MLP chapter 3
Day 3:
Another day alone. It's hard to imagine I've only been here three days, it feels like weeks. I'm still keeping healthy though, Fluttershy seems to feed me well, although the continuous drugging may cause side effects upon rescue.
Day 4:
The meal was drugged again. At breakfast I told her I will refuse the meal. At this Fluttershy promised me that she wouldn't drug it so long as I ate. This backs up my previous theory that she doesn't mean to hurt me, she just wants to keep me, almost like a pet. The endless tedium of not having anything to do but read is beginning to wear on my mind. Fortunately Fluttershy brought more books, novels this time. I hope the variation helps, but I think it's just prolonging the inevitable.
Day 5:
I should have seen that one coming. Fluttershy insisted I took the drug. By that I mean I had no choice. It was either I took it or she injected it. She wasn't violent, I think that's why she relies so heavily on drugs to hold me in the first place. It was like a sick parody of getting a child to eat vegetables, first she asked, ('I would really like it if you did') then pleaded, ('come on Twilight, it's for the best in the long run') then threatened ('if you don't I'll have to do it myself, and you know what that means'). She said it in a way that made me half expect her to say 'don't make me count to three'. What could I have done? I reluctantly took the pills, but made it perfectly clear I didn't want to. I told her I would never be hers. Then Fluttershy did something I never saw her do before, she scowled at me. A deep, hurtful scowl with fire in her eyes. I was quite taken aback by this, but soon I was taken over by the drug again.
Day 6:
The constant semi dark of the basement is breaking me. I can't tell what time of day it is. My body clock is broken. I'm not sure if I should be eating, sleeping or reading. It's the lack of sunlight. Without the rise and fall of the sun each day I can't make sense out of anything. Oh what I'd give to see the sun again. I miss the smell of the outdoors as well. In the basement it's just the same, all day, every day, every time of day. It's disorienting. I'm starting to feel dizzy from it. Is this cabin fever? I don't even know anymore.
Day 7:
A week has gone by. Celestia must be looking for me by now. There's no way a future princess goes missing and no one looks for her. I'm still confident the search party is out there. They will find me eventually. I will be rescued. I will. I know things take time but a week here feels like a month. I'm just desperately hoping they will come soon. My patience is wearing thin. I just need somewhere outside of these four walls. But I know they will find me, so it will be all ok. It will.
Day 8:
The cabin fever is slowly progressing. There's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm trying to do other things besides reading, like arranging the shelves, or trying to dust. Just anything to occupy my mind. It did little to help. I just hope something happens soon.
Day 9:
What is taking Celestia so long? Surely they will be searching here soon? I am having to remind myself it's only been 9 days. How long does it take to solve a case like this? Several weeks? I'm scared to think what might happen to me in those weeks. I'm loosing my grip on things.
Day 10:
Nothing to do. But I've already said that. Many many times before. I need something to do. The waiting would be fine, if I had something to do. I've got nothing to do, so I just sit here reading. All day. At first it was ok, then it was boring, now its frustrating. It's turning me inside out.
I need a clock as well. Just something to tell me what I should be doing. It's like I'm on a roundabout, I can't tell where I am, where I'm going and what is next. Only with time. If I had a clock, something to set my body clock by, I think I would be better.
Day 11:
Today I got fed up with not knowing what time of day it was. There is a small, grimy cellar window, the kind that is on the floor at ground level, but above the ceiling in a recess on the wall here, barred by iron strips and well beyond my reach. It was so grimy I couldn't see anything, barely light at all. So I waited, watching to see a change in the light. I don't know how many hours I was there waiting, but I saw nothing. I just sat there, hoping to see something, a sign sign maybe, not quite sure what I was going to see. But I saw nothing. I haven't eaten all day. I've just been staring at the window. Fluttershy will come and make me eat, and then drug me again. There's no escaping it. It's the same old same old. Day after day, always the same. I can't stand it.
Day 12:
It's not cabin fever. Im going stir crazy. Noting to do, nothing to do, nothing to do. I found myself pacing around the room, chasing my tail, simply just for something to do. I flung myself at the shelf and threw everything around, breaking half of it, just so I had something to tidy up. The glass bottles I threw cut my skin, but at least that gave me something to think about besides nothing. I've been having mood swings, like one moment I could be reading and the next I'm smashing glass again. Then I'd go and sit by the window and aimlessly stare again. I'm going insane and I know it. I can't help it.
Day 13:
Fluttershy noticed the mess I had made. Overnight she emptied the room of anything that I could hurt myself with, or break, or throw, besides books. I feel powerless. I can't do anything, not even hurt myself. I am completely at the mercy of whatever Fluttershy chooses for me, and yet she chooses nothing. I wish she would do something, or at least give me something to do. There's no break from the routine. Every day it's just meals and drugs. That's it. I, physically, cannot do anything else. I'm trapped. I can't cope. I'm loosing it. I've had everything taken away from me, everything. My entire life. And it's been replaced by nothing, and endless, empty stretch of nothing. Did I die at the cart incident? Am I in hell? What do I have as my existence? Four walls, a covered window, exactly 14 stairs, a sofa, an empty shelf and books. That's it. There's no escape. No escape.
Day 14:
2 weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. 20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds. I know this because I worked it out. At least 50 times. No rescue. No hope. Celestia must still be out there looking for me. But there's no way she could take so long to do this, not with all the royal guard. I don't understand. She can't have abandoned me, could she? Could she? I'm still holding to the hope that she is looking for me. She would be. She cares about me. I was going to be a princess. She wouldn't leave me. She wouldn't. She wouldn't. I will hold on to that hope. It's the only thing I have left. I only she knew how much I need her right now.
Day 15:
Like a candle that is running out, my faith in Celestia is dwindling. My hope is draining away like my ability to think. I still hope she will come, but it's now not as sure in my mind. I'm running out of things to write here. I don't have anything to write about, because I don't have anything to do. Still. Just nothing. I'm not thinking right. I know I'm unwell. I've been sat here staring at the wall for the whole day now. The only thoughts in my mind were 'no escape' 'nothing to do' 'no hope' over and over. I must hold on hope. I will be rescued. Without that hope I am nothing.
Day 16:
I know I said that without hope I am nothing. But now I feel as if I've been reduced to exactly that. Celestia isn't coming. I am mostly certain of that now. This is it. I've been resigned to spend the rest of my life here, imprisoned, slowly going insane. For as long as I live. I've been crying all day. There just is no way out. I've given up all hope of ever making it out. How many futile hours have I spent at the door, pounding and working magic to no avail? The drugs saw fit to that. How many times have I tried working the iron loose around the recess in the ceiling where the window is? It's no use. I've given up. But I can't even do that. I can't just walk out on life. You know what I mean by that. There nothing I can do. I must stay here and suffer. But why? Why is this happening to me? I caught myself calling out to no one in particular, calling for help. But no one is coming, no one will help. I'm on my own.
Day 17:
I didn't realise just how much I appreciated my friends until I lost them. Or rather they lost me. I want them back more than anyone can imagine. I would die a thousand deaths just to have one conversation with them all again. After all I've been through in my mind, Pinkie Pie's hyperactivity, Rainbow Dash's over confidence, Rarity's prissiness and Applejack's stubbornness all seem like a welcome break. I haven't left my sofa all day. Mostly I've been asleep, dreaming away my life until it ends. I dreamt of Celestia, what life would have been like. I dreamt of escape, but whenever I awoke I realised it would never work. I dreamt of everything me and my friends ever did together, all we accomplished. I'm happier in my dreams. I never want to wake up to this hell again.
Day 18:
Dreams. They're only dreams. I might be happy in them, but whenever I wake up I'm reminded of what I have as my life now. Nothing. I can't sleep. I'm not tired. Yet I want to sleep. I don't want to be awake in this purgatory. I discovered an alarming fact today. Every night I'm waiting for Fluttershy to come. I'm waiting for the drugs. I need them. I want them. With them I can be away from this dungeon. With them I can escape. I'm not scared to admit it anymore. I hope they kill me. Just let it end already. Please, I don't want to be here. Someone help me, please. I can't take it anymore. Please help. Please. Just end my life here.
Day 19:
I'm not thinking right. Something has broken in my mind. The same thoughts seem to be playing in loop in my head. I can't help it. It taken over my mind so much I can't concentrate on doing anything else. Not that there is anything else to concentrate on
Day 20:
...No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape...
Day 21:
Why am I keeping this journal? I hope you've seen enough, Fluttershy. I hope once you've looked through this, I know you will, you'll see how much you've hurt me. I'll never be yours. Why would you do this to your friend? Today Fluttershy came to see me. After 3 weeks. She tried to talk to me. I... I don't know what to think. Every part of me wants to hate her, but the company was, well, needed. It's difficult to explain. I hate her. I hate her a lot. But after isolation, I need her. Why is she doing this to me? I can't help it, she has messed my mind up so badly. I need those drugs, to get it all out of my head. I'm craving them. Without them I don't know if I could cope.
Day 22:
Fluttershy. I know you will read this. I hate you. I hate you with my entire being. My burning hate will always be there, even once I'm dead and gone this diary will carry my utter disgust. I hate you. I HATE YOU. How much I want to hurt you, you will never know. How badly this fire inside me longs to tear you apart. How much I would give to make you suffer. You could never understand.
Today she came to speak to me again. Of course she would. That's what she always wanted. Because I'm 'hers'. No I'm not. And I never will be. I realise what she is doing now. She is making me dependent on her, so I will have to come to her for help. Just as I fell into insanity she comes and 'saves' me. But I'm not falling for it. I can't wait until this day is over and I can escape.
Day 23:
I don't think she understands. I hate her. Yet she seems so happy when I talk to her, even when I make it perfectly clear I don't want to. She must be as insane as I am. First I tried ignoring her. She kept on talking. Then I tried ending the conversation. She changed the subject. Then I asked when she would let me go, and she just laughed and said 'never, your mine, Twilight'. I'm so sick of her saying that. Nothing I said made any difference. I'm not giving up, though, I have one more plan. Tomorrow I will make it perfectly clear I'm not drawn in by her tricks.
Day 24:
Well I didn't expect that. But then again I'm not quite sure what I expected. She came to see me again, as has been routine these past few days. She began talking but this time I spoke out and told her I would never be hers and that no matter what she did I would never like her. It was very satisfying. After a minute long shouting fit I expected her to drug me or go away, but she didn't. She actually laughed. I had shouted, screamed and wailed at her and all she did was laugh. What can I do? I can't hurt her, she's invincible. I'm powerless. I can't even get her to stop talking at me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure if I should just give in and be hers. Would that get me anywhere? I'm not sure if I care anymore.
Day 25:
I'm not giving in. I've decided that much. I'm not playing her games. I'm not hers. Again she came today, but now I've started fighting back, at everything she says I'm cutting in and shouting back with hurtful remarks. It feels good to see her hurt. It's the one last thing of mine she can't control, my speech. It's a triumph of mine, a victory. Even if she is determined to keep me as a pet, I'll make it so that she could never like me. It's my rebellion, my act of defiance. There wasn't much she could do. Every conversation we had ended up as an argument. She wasn't expecting it obviously. She was visible shaken by it. I'm glad of that fact. This is the way forward for me.
Day 26:
For the last few days a shocking fact has been haunting me. It's always been there at the back of my mind for the past week now, but recently it has been made clearer. I'm craving drugs. The sleeping pills I'm taking. Last night Fluttershy was late coming, probably due to our skirmish earlier. But I'm craving them, I need them to sleep, I don't feel right without them. It didn't feel right not having them this late. It's a startling truth, one I'm not willingly accepting as such. But at the end of the day it is. I'm not feeling angry as such, just nervous. What will this mean? I suspect these feelings will pass again and the all to familiar rage against HER will return. But even now I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. I'm addicted to drugs. What has become of me? I'm sat here in a gibbering heap of insane pony, waiting for death to come. I'm saying to myself 'Oh Celestia help me' but I know not even she can save me. I'm not sure which I prefer, complete insanity, or knowing what I have come to know. I wish Fluttershy hadn't tried talking to me now, and taken me out of my trance of insanity. I was better off running into walls than thinking.
Day 27:
It was too much to ask wasn't it? That my little rebellion would work? Today, she came again. As I had done yesterday and the day before I fought back. Since she had been shaken at first and then annoyed yesterday I expected something today. At least something. Nothing. Well, that's not true. She laughed it off again. She actually said 'Its so cute when you do that'. She actually said THAT. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, just when I'm making progress, she turns around and crushes it. I can't win. There is no future where I come out on top. The best I can do is try, but I will always fail. I'm not giving in, but I'm never going to win. This worthless price of futility is all I have.
Day 28:
Back into a routine. Back into insanity. A routine of nothing. An endless stretch of empty nothing. Fluttershy's appearances to 'talk' have simply been added to the routine. Before long I will fall back into the depths of hell I came from. But what was I thinking? I've already been through this, many times before. There is no way out. No escape. This is my life. Here we go again. The same old things. I can almost feel myself sliding back.
Twilight didn't know, she couldn't have known, but it was true. Fluttershy's actions over the past few days weren't just the beginnings of a new part of a routine, they were the beginnings of something much bigger. They were the beginning of the end.