//------------------------------// // Keep My Secrets // Story: My Little Heartbreak: Meanwhile, Back at the Farm // by Jet_Black1980 //------------------------------// Chapter 45 Keep My Secrets “Well now,” Applejack says as she finally returns. “There’s somethin’ ah thought I wouldn’t hear.” I turn to say something, but see that there are two pretzels floating next to her in a purple haze. Which means that- “Good morning, H.B.” Yup, Twilight. The happy thought I was just having? They are now scampering about and trying to find cover. “I’m glad to see that you’re in a good mood this morning,” She says. Twilight seems...happy to see me. Alright, give her some credit. She has had a few days to actually cool down, get a level head and think about things. So don’t screw that good mood of hers up, H.B. “I’m doing a lot better...I think.” “That’s good to hear!” she says while smiling. Fuck, why is it scaring me that she’s so damn...chipper? “Hey, Crab Apple!” Dib pushes his glasses up. “I’m going by, ‘Dib,’ now, Twilight. But hey, come to see me off?” She nods. “Applejack invited me, plus I need to talk to H.B. about a few things.” Fuuuuck...I wonder what I have done now. Did Applejack tell her about everything that happened or just what went down last night?! Suddenly I feel something glomping my side. It’s Dib. “And it seems like somepony has made a friend!” she says happily. I blink and look at the pony currently hugging me. It’s an uncomfortable, awkward hug, but it’s a hug. I put an arm around him and pat him on the shoulder. I’m not sure if I am doing this because I want to or because it’s expected of me. Either way it illicites smiles from A.J. and Twilight. At that moment the train finally arrives. Dib lets me go and picks up his bags. “So, I’ll write to you later,” he says while hugging Applejack. “You still have our address right, A.J.?” “As sure as sugar ah do there,” she pauses, “Dib.” Dib’s face bursts into a huge grin before he walks onto the train. I lift a hoof. I think...I just might...But I only knew him for a few days...Fuck, didn’t Applejack say that I need to be honest with myself at least? “I think I am going to miss him.” I see him sit down at one of the windows. He waves at me, while the conductor shouts out his last calls. “Allllll aboard!” I wave back at him in slight reluctance as the train starts to roll down the line. Looking down I sigh. Applejack and Twilight are looking at me with sympathetic grins. I feel some snot dripping in my nose and something warm on my cheek. Damn waterworks. I rub my face and sniff hard. When I look back up, they are still looking at me. “What?” “Oh, nothing,” Twilight says pulling out a scroll from her saddlebags. “It’s just that I think right now would be the perfect time for you to write that letter to Celestia.” I give her a deadpan look. “Seriously Twilight? What makes you say that? Cause really, not to quote Applejack here, the letter I would write at this moment would be, ‘Dear Princess Celestia, Ah didn’t learn nothin’! Signed, a Pony named Heartbreak.’ And the response would be, ‘Dear Heartbreak, there goes your f-f-f-fillyhood, signed Tia.’” Twilight gives me an annoyed look and opens her mouth to say something when Applejack puts a hoof on my shoulder and smiles at me. “Ah think she’s right there, sugarcube.” “Applejack...I don’t think I learned anything about honesty or anything really profound from all this. I spent the whole time I was here lying to your whole family, moping around your farm and being a lazy...” I start to choke a bit on my words. “Good for nothing mopy rump.” Applejack gives me a stern but sympathetic look. “Now stop that. Ah think that ya did learn a whole lot about honesty. After all, ah did hammer in that point about havin’ ta be honest with yerself above all things. Then there’s what ya did with ma cousin there.” In the back of my mind I want to make some crude joke to kill all this touchy-feely crap. I guess that’s the part of me that is still human...”Which was?” “When he asked ya somethin’, ah’m not sure what, an ah’m not gonna pry,” she started. “Ya said that ya didn’t know. An’ that’s the most honest thing that anypony, particularly a pony that seems ta know everythin’, can admit to.” I blink. She’s right about that. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing things. Or even admitting to not knowing. It sure beats making up stories. Twilight puts a hoof on my other shoulder. “Not only that, but Applejack told me about how you handled whatever happened last night. You kept a cool head in the face of irrationality and were able to make it through to him. What’s more, you did it without destroying his dream.” I try to speak but the words are not coming. I’m not sure how to feel about this. Or even what I am feeling at the moment. Guilt, anger, pain? They have fled the scene for a moment, and there is a dull calm feeling in the back of my mind. Hope? “Eyup! An’ that’s sure ta say somethin’ ta the Princess!” Applejack says as the both of them hug me. I sigh and just go with the flow of the moment. I’ll accept this hug, but I won’t accept my fate. Applejack dislodges from the hug and Twilight looks at me. “So, how about that letter?” She asks, waving the scroll at me. “Fffffffine...” I roll my eyes and sit down at the train station bench. I take out my journal and my mechanical pencil. Slipping it in and pressing the button, I feel the soft whirring of the barrel expanding to fit my hoof-hole. As I select the pencil button, the scroll unfurls itself on my journal and I take a deep breath and try to think of the words that I need for this letter. Part of me wants to suddenly cut loose and tell Celestia off. To tell her that these, ‘lessons,’ are harder than just, ‘learn something and write a letter, and if I like them, I’ll let you keep your memories.’ I bite my lip hard. Is it going to be like this every fucking time I have to write a letter? The anticipation building up and causing me to nearly boil over? Twilight looks at me and smiles. “Just take your time, H.B., and everything will be alright.” I blink, and look back at the paper. Something about those words triggers some strange buried emotions. Like someone else has said them to me before. “Is she writing her letter?” I look up from my moments of frustration and see Spike standing next to Twilight. Didn’t he say something like that? One step at a time or something like that? The feelings of frustration and anger subside and the pencil meets the paper. “Dear Princess Celestia, This month I spent some time with Applejack learning about the element of Honesty. This was a difficult element for an individual like me to learn, due to the fact that I feel like I need to hide things about myself from everypony. Where I am from, who I am and what will happen to me if I don’t do the things I need to do. So, what did I learn about honesty? As Applejack put it, to be honest with others I need to first be honest with myself. Even if I can’t tell them the truth about what has happened to me, I need to be, above all... ponies, honest with myself and my feelings. Otherwise I will end up bottling things up, and that’s just unhealthy for everypony. The profound things I learned about myself were that, just because I know a great deal about Equestria, those who live here and everything else, doesn’t mean I can or should use that against others. I learned that I don’t know everything. And that is a perfectly honest answer to many questions. Finally I learned that if I am to get through all this, I need to keep a cool, calm, rational head about myself. While I have indeed broken many hearts in my time, I don’t want to shatter anypony’s dreams. Neither part of that last one is going to be easy, but I will try my hardest. Like Spike said: I have to take everything one step at a time. Sincerely signed, A pony named Heartbreak. ============================================================== “All done,” Heartbreak says, removing her pencil from her hoof. Twilight took out the hourglass and set it on the bench next to Heartbreak. “Do you want me to look it over?” She asked. “No, it’s as ready as it ever will be,” Heartbreak replied. Spike looked at Twilight while taking the letter. She nodded while he rolled it up and set it aflame. Heartbreak bit her lower lip as her eyes followed the trail of green fire. Everything she had learned, along with all her hopes and dreams, seemed to rest on these scraps of paper. There was a moment of silence among the group. Then the tinkling magical sound of the hourglass’s iris opening caught everypony’s attention. A single red marble fell from its holding place and blazed into a pure white before joining its sibling in the bottom. A cheerful, relieved sigh rumbled through the group. They all turned and smiled at Heartbreak. “You did it, H.B.!” Spike cheered as he jumped up onto the bench and hugged the pony. She smiled a sad smile. “If you say so, Spike.” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I just wrote down what Twilight and Applejack told me...” Applejack put a hoof on Heartbreak’s shoulder. “Now sugarcube, didn’t we just go over this? Ya gotta stop beating yerself up.” Twilight nodded. “And give yourself some credit. After all, we only pointed out what we saw. You’re the one that did-” “But it took me this long to get all of that, Twilight!” Heartbreak glared at the ground. “Applejack is going on about how I should, ‘be more honest with myself.’” She took a deep breath. “So here it goes...” She looked up at the three. “I’ve already said that I could have learned more if I had just stop being lazy and sulking around, I mean that lesson sounded so obvious! Just be honest with yourself! But I didn’t get it, it had to be hammered into my skull!” Applejack opened her mouth to say something but Heartbreak stopped her. “I’m not done yet, A.J.,” She chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully. “When I was writing this letter...I was feeling so many things. I wanted to write a great deal more than what was there. Just really let all the emotions I have been having out and unload them on the Princess right there and then in one shot. All my bile, all my snark, everything I have been sorta bottling up about this situation.” She rolled her eyes and looked at Twilight. “And I do realize that I haven’t been here for a long time, but for fet’s sake, being through what I have been through,” she looked back down, “Anyp-p-pony would be feeling the same or similar. I know I can’t bottle up all this, but I don’t feel ready to share any of it with any of you. I don’t want you feeling hurt or angry or disappointed with me because of something I might think or feel. And I know that’s something I can’t control but-” Twilight put a hoof up on Heartbreak’s mouth. “H.B.,” she started, “We all know you are going through quite a lot, and it seems like you have a lot to say. But if you’re afraid of outright telling others what you feel, then might I make a suggestion?” Heartbreak nodded. “Yes please,” she said in an almost inaudible voice. “If you feel the need to tell anypony something, anypony that will listen and not judge, and that will keep all your secrets,” Twilight tapped the cover of the diary that lay on Heartbreak’s lap, “Might I suggest using this diary for something other than a hard flat surface?” Heartbreak glared at the book. “I...would but...” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Ghost Writer might be a bit of a creep sometimes, H.B. But I told you exactly why he gave it to you. So that you can write in it as much as you like. After all, ‘There is a universe inside your mind, and it wants out.’” She said, quoting him. “Plus, if you’re worried about others looking inside, it has a special magical lock.” Heartbreak rolled her eyes. “That’s not really points in its favor, Twilight.” “Ah, come on H.B., would it hurt ta give it a try?” Applejack asked. Heartbreak rolled her eyes again. “Right, fine, how’s it work, Twilight?” “Just open it up and start writing. Once you are done writing, end it all with a question. Any question will do. Close the book and it’s locked,” Twilight explained smiling. Heartbreak ran her hoof over the cover of the book and finally spoke. “Alright, but on two conditions, Twilight.” Twilight and Applejack looked at each other. “Conditions?” “Yes,” She replied. “No offense H.B.,” Spike started. “But I don’t think that’s how diaries work.” “I have my reasons for having conditions, Spike. I want to cover all my bases here,” Heartbreak replied. “And they are?” Twilight finally asked. “First,” she looked at Twilight with a serious gaze. “If any part of me gets erased-” Spike put a hand on her shoulder. “H.B. That won’t happen, I’m sure-” “Please let me finish, Spike,” She said, tears forming at the edge of her eyes. “If any part of me is lost or erased, promise me that this book will never fall into the wrong h-h-hooooves.” Twilight nodded. “I promise that it will never fall into the wrong hooves if that happens.” “Pinkie Promise,” Heartbreak choked out. Twilight blinked. “I’m serious here, Twilight. Pinkie Promise me.” Twilight looked at her friends. They gave her the, ‘It will make her feel better if you do this, Twilight,’ look and then she nodded. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye, I promise that this...journal will never fall into the wrong hooves if ever any part of you is erased,” She said, her words growing quiet as she neared the end of her sentence. “T-t-thank you, Twilight,” Heartbreak said. “And my second condition is much simpler.” She looked up at Twilight, she wasn’t fighting the tears anymore. “I know the week isn’t up, but c-c-can I please come back to the library?! Applejack’s farm is nice a-a-and all, but I am totally useless, the animals constantly avoid me and I feel like a total leech for eating her food and not contributing anything!” Twilight looked at the face before her with sympathy. “Of course you can, H.B.” “Right after we all head back ta the farm an we all celebrate this here event with that there chocolate surprise that Pinkie dropped off yesterday!” Applejack said smiling. Heartbreak put her pencil back in her saddle bag. “I think I would like that very much, A.J.” She blinked and stood up. “But I have to know...what the fet is the surprise?” Pinkie Pie jumped out from behind the bench throwing confetti and blowing a party horn. “We can’t tell you that, otherwise it wouldn’t be a surprise!” She shouted, as Heartbreak nearly jumped five feet back. “AH! Ha! Pinkie!” Heartbreak shouted covering her heart. “Yes, H.B.?” Pinkie asked with a goofy grin. Heartbreak smirked and shook her head. “Nothing. Let’s go celebrate. After all, that’s what normal p-p-ponies do, right?” “That’s Right!” Pinkie said, ponging ahead. ============================================================== Dib waved at his new friend, his new pen pal as the train started to roll out of the station. He was going to miss her. “Maybe I can get dad to let me visit Ponyville sometime this summer, or maybe in the fall. And who knows? They might have another HLC meeting in the not too distant future,” he said out loud. He looked at the window. They were getting farther from the train station now. He felt the need to say at least one last goodbye to the strange pony that he had just met. After quickly sliding his window open, he stuck his head out. He was about to shout at the three ponies at the train station when he saw something...strange happen. H.B. took something out of her saddle bag. There was a book placed on her lap. She then held up her right hoof, the hoof with the hole in it, and pushed something through her hoof. “Is that...” Dib quickly grabbed his binoculars from his saddlebag. “It is! That’s a pencil! And she’s...writing...like she would if-” His mouth hung open as he took in this new information. The thoughts of what she had told him before he left back for Hoofthorn echoed through his head. “Of course, if they are just really good at hiding, you might have already met one and not even have known it. For all you know, they could be standing right next to you. Hiding in plain sight.” Dib felt floored. He pulled his head back into the train cart. Was she...? If she was, why was she trying to hide the fact that she was? Was there something more going on than he thought? Just then the luggage cart flung open and something fell from it. “Ah!” Dib shouted. He calmed himself quickly and looked at the thing that had invaded his thoughts. It looked like a toy of some kind, a robotic thing with glowing blue eyes, an antenna sticking out of the top its head and a clock in it’s belly. “Oh Hi!” It shouted. Dib looked confused at it. “Uhm Hi.” The robotic thing stood up on two legs and looked around almost frightened like. “Ooooh, I fell down and almost went Boom! That would have been real bad cause then that mean conductor would have found me!” Dib just looked at the robotic toy confused. “And if he finds me...” The toy raced over to Dib and looked him dead in the eyes. “Game over! Game over!” Dib tried to think of something to say, but the only thought came to mind was “Uhm, please calm down.” “But if he finds me, then they’ll take me apart and erase me!” The little robot-clock-toy thing started sniffling. “And I don’t want to be erased...I like me! If they erased me, then I’d miss me!” It held it’s little claw like hands up in the air. “AH’D MISS ME SO MUCH!” It quickly turned and looked at Dib. “Please don’t let them find me! I’ll be your friend if you keep me a secret! Can you keep secrets!?” Dib blinked and eyed the window thoughtfully. “Yes,” He replied after a short while. “Yes I can.” “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” The little clockwork toy squeaked. Just then heavy hoof steps approached the train cabin. “Darn it! Where did that annoying little clock-thing go?!” The train conductor shouted. “I thought I heard him over here!” The clockwork-robot dove under Dib’s seat. “Ah! Here he comes!” He whimpered. “Remember....seeeeecret.” The conductor’s head peered into the cabin. He looked around and frowned. “Excuse me young colt...” Dib pretended to look innocent. “Hmmm?” “Have you seen an annoying blue clock thing? It’s been living on the train for the past month driving the passengers crazy!” He said. Dib smiled. “Nope, sorry.” “Oh, well if you do see anything, please let me know.” The conductor replied before leaving. After the conductor left, Dib closed the door. “Yaaaaay! You’re my new friend!” The clock said. “I get the feeling that life is going to be very interesting from now on,” Dib mused to himself. “I’m Dib, what’s your name?” He asked. ============================================================== Alright. I will admit that Pinkie Pie does throw a great party. I wouldn’t say that I was the most lively at this, ‘party,’ but at least the, ‘chocolate surprise,’ was great. The surprise being that it was a fudge cake with chocolate icing and chocolate ice cream on the side. There was some nice music and the girls chatted for a while. Over all, even from an outsider perspective, it was nice. Otherwise? I just wanted to sit in a corner and reflect quietly on the past few days. After that, we gathered my things and made our way back to the library. I told Twilight that I just wanted to go up to the bedroom, lay down and do as Twilight suggested without being disturbed. Which is what I am doing now. Sighing, I stick my pencil in my hoof and tighten it appropriately. I push on the cover and then, using the pencil, open it up. There, staring back at me, is a nice clean blank page. “I wonder what I should write first?” I think to myself. The answer comes rather quickly. “Everything.” And that’s what I do. I start writing everything. Everything about my life, who I am, who I was, as much of my memories of my life I can think of, what I like, what I dislike, what’s happened to me, what’s happening to me, and what will happen to me if I don’t do what I need to. I write and write until my hoof is sore and my ankle stiff. Taking my hoof away from the page, I smile. Everything but my real name and a question are here. What question should I end this all with? Just then a song passes through my head. A song that with reflection of what has happened seems appropriate. I start to write the lyrics down: “I did my best to notice, when the call came down the line. Up to the platform of surrender I was brought, but I was kind. And sometimes I get nervous, when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart...Cut the cord. Are we p-pony or are we dancer? My sign is vital, my h-hooves are cold. And I'm on my knees looking for the answer. Are we p-pony or are we dancer?” I close the book, lie back on the bed and hug my journal-my record...my j/r? My Junior, tightly in my hooves. Yes, the lyrics were butchered a little by whatever is affecting my language. But, laying here on this comfortable bed back in the library? I feel...good. I feel as if a terrible weight has been lifted off me. Though that question still remains in my mind, where at least I can think it properly. “Are we human or are we dancer?” THE END