//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: And Then There Was Pie // Story: Seriously? // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// "Oh dear Celestia, that is disgusting!" the cyan pegasus shrieked, wiping the last amounts of vomit from her muzzle with her arm while backing away from the blood red pond. "How did this even happen?" It was at this moment I popped my head out of the surface of the water, a little bit of a fish's intestines stuck to my snout. "Yo, what's up?" The rainbow maned pegasus screamed so loudly I thought for sure my newly super induced ear drums would burst. "Whoa, whoa, lower the volume a bit!" I yelled at her, waving my bottom jaw in greeting to get her attention. "What are you?" she asked, her hooves still covering her mouth in case any more vomit might fly out. "Damn, you horses sure do ask the same question a bunch of times. I'm a human turned Helicoprion, an extinct species of shark," I calmly explained to her, already in a better mood after my little feeding frenzy. "And the name's Mike in case you wanted to know." "Why is the pond full of blood and fish guts?" she said, avoiding eye contact with myself and the pond of gore. "Because I was hungry, I noticed a fish... and one thing led to another," I said, a little embarrassed about it. Usually I had some semblance of table manners and control, but my new shark body seemed to run on predator instincts instead of my normal human ones. This could prove a problem in the future. "Dude, that's gross! Those were all Fluttershy's fish you ate!" "Oh yeah, Fluttershy," I said, remembering the yellow pegasus who had just ran off. The cyan pegasus immediately stopped her shocked hysterics and shot a glare at me, moving forward a few steps. "You better not have done anything to her, buster." "What? Fuck no!" I replied hastily. "When I inexplicably ended up here, she was the first one of you horses that I spoke to. Went running off too, instead of helping me..." "Well, of course she ran off! You're a bucking shark for pete's sake!" she yelled at me, clearly aggravated that she was scared of me earlier by the looks of things. She even took a couple of steps closer to the edge of the pond. "Well sorry, you gay pride parade, horse mascot! I didn't choose to be a fucking shark!" I yelled back at her, flipping my jaw out so it splashed some bloody water near her. "Well, no one would obviously choose to be this ugly," she replied, moving to the side so the splash of water missed her. "Oh, nice, witty comeback," I said with sarcasm dripping from my every word. "You must be a real fucking genius to think up something like that." Before either of us could argue any longer, a pink blob appeared over the hill exactly one hundred and sixteen feet away from us, bouncing up and down to our direction. "Who the hell is that?" I asked, my vision finally focusing on the form of a pink, tiny horse. Surprisingly, this one didn't have wings like the other two I've met before. "Oh no," the pegasus moaned, facepalming, or should I say facehoofing, when she spotted the quickly approaching pink horse. "It's Pinkie Pie." "Holy shit, what the hell is what with your names? Let me guess, you're called Rainbow Mane, huh?" "Rainbow Dash!" she retorted angrily. "Fast flier in all of Equestria!" she added in, a hint of pride and smugness in her voice. "First off, I don't give two fucks if you're the fastest of anything," I said, attempting to lick the intestines off my face with my jaw. "And dear god, please don't tell me this place is really called Equestria?" "No silly, the country is called Equestria. This place is the town called Ponyville," spoke a high pitched voice approximately one foot away from me. I rolled over and came face to face with the infamous horse known as Pinkie Pie. These guys looked oddly the same with the only difference being color changes, hairdos, wings or not, and those weird marks on their asses. "How the hell did you sneak up on me?" I asked her, curious to why me new found senses didn't pick her. I could hear the frickin' flies buzzing around my head for fish guts, but not a small sized, bouncing horse? Made no fucking sense. "Because I did, silly head," she said, booping me on the snout. I kid you not, she actually stuck her hand-er, I mean hoof, on the blood coated snout of a shark with a chainsaw lower jaw... the hell is the matter with her? Rainbow Dash seemed to agree with me, because she tackled Pinkie Pie out of my reach, shouting, "Pinkie, are you crazy? He's a shark! He could've bitten your hoof off!" "And he could've heard that comment and be offended by it!" I yelled at the pair, but they ignored me. Rainbow Dash was atop Pinkie, holding her hooves down with her own. "But Dashie, he's so cool! His jaw is a saw!" Pinkie logically explained. Yep, my hypothesis was correct. Crazy. "Pinkie, he ate all of Fluttershy's fish! This guy is evil!" Rainbow Dash shot back. "Really? That's a very mean thing to do to those fishies, mister," Pinkie sternly said, escaping Dash's grip and pointing her hoof at me. I briefly toyed with the idea of whipping my jaw out and yanking her into the water and ripping her to shreds. But I quickly through that plan out. For one thing, she had too much hair, and by the smell of the extremely high amounts of sugary sweets around her, I was pretty sure I'd get diabetes if I took one bite of her. And I guess there's the 'don't eat sentient life thing', but I wasn't all that sure the pink horse thing belonged in that category. "Like I said to your gay lover over there, I don't give not one, not three, but exactly two fucks about what you guys think," I said, my gills flaring up in anger. "All I want to do is go home and you guys never have to deal with me again. Now, get busy on a way to do that!" "Not if you're going to be a big meanie head," Pinkie pouted, crossing her forearms and turning her head away from me. "... meanie head? God fucking damnit, did I seriously end up in a cartoon show or something?" I bemoaned, wishing I had hands and hair to run them through. Pinkie just continued to give off a frown with her arms crossed, while Rainbow Dash stood awkwardly, occasionally shooting me a hateful glare. After a stupendous amount of silence, I yelled, "Fine, I'll be a nice guy if it'll make my trip back home quicker!" "That's what I like to hear," Pinkie shouted, instantly returning into her previous bubbliness. I preferred the other one more. "Now, how do we get him back home?" she questioned, rubbing a hoof on her chin in deep thought. Hell, she even did it while in the Thinker pose. "I say we get him to Twilight," Dash voiced her opinion. "She can probably make a teleportation spell to send him back, lickity split." "Ooh, nice idea, Dashie!" Pinkie agreed, hugging her friend with what should have broken the other's back. "We get Twilight. She'll know what to do!" "Whoa, who the hell is this Twilight, anyway? And if this have anything to do with vampires, I'm out." "Twilight is a librarian in Ponyville," Pinkie answered me, bringing her snout closer to my own. "She's really good in magic, since she was a student of Princess Celestia herself. I'm sure there's a spell that can send you home!" "Thank fucking god," I sighed in relief. "I need to meet her right away." Rainbow Dash scoffed. "That might be a problem, since you can't exactly get up on land, huh?" "Shut it, homo hair. I'll just travel down the river. It'll eventually go near your town," I replied, turning around and edging near the end of the pond where the river started picking up again. "Been seeing ya!" "Wait, you can't just end up in Ponyville like that! You'll scare away everypony!" Dash yelled in protest. "Too bad. I want to go home. Only one who can fix this is Twilight. So hopefully this'll get her attention!" I shouted, before splashing into the new current of the river, one heading right into town. "Come on Pinkie, we have to stop him!" Dash called out to her friend, taking to the air right above the swimming form of myself. Or at least I was attempting to swim. I was mostly just swinging my body to the left and right in an attempt to move forward. I was just glad the river was powerful enough to propel myself forward slightly. "Yay! We're going to have a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party at Twilight's house!" Pinkie shouted happily, bouncing along with us. Great, I have a gay pride hair horse and a horse so hyped up on sugar she might explode hot on my trail. What a wonderful way to start off the day. "Oi, Mikey, where the fuck are ya, mate?" Dave yelled, his echoes being heard throughout the museum. "Fucking damnit, man, ya promised to stay here." He approached a few fossil and bone exhibits, searching past and through them in case Mike might be hiding somewhere. But today he wasn't. And that was bad news. Mike never took time off or ditched a day of work. This was definitely unlike him. Digging into his pocket and retrieving his cellphone, he quickly dialed up Mike's number, only to go to message from the answering machine. "Damnit dude, where the hell are ya? Went on smoke break and ya just up a left! Yeah, real fuckin' ma-" But Dave didn't finish his sentence when something shiny caught his attention in the corner of his eye near an exhibit. The phone dropped from his hand as Dave whispered, "Why the hell are there rainbows here?"