“You know, Lucian,” said the old figure driving the car, “I think you’re the best thing that ever indirectly spawned from my seed.”
Lucian, sitting shotgun, looked over to the man. His eye flicked over the man’s salt-and-pepper goatee, to the man’s sunglasses, to his black fedora. “What do you mean, Grandpa?”
His grandfather chuckled as the car switched gears, the wind sweeping in because of the lowered roof. “Well, my wife was a terrible, terrible mother who raised a boring, boring son. That boring, droll son went on to marry a girl who was an utter control freak, and I’m convinced she chopped off his manly bits after you were born, I am. But you?” He shook his head, smiling as he changed lanes. “Well, your father came from me, so therefore you’re a quarter me. So this means that a quarter of my badassery made it to you, and by Jove, am I proud to call you my grandson. Especially since your father’s a pansy.”
Glancing up at the tall buildings on the near edge of the horizon, Lucian asked, “Do you mean that?”
“Damn straight I do, boy.”
Lucian furrowed his brow. “Where are we going?”
“Oh, where are we going?” Grandpa chuckled. “Why, in celebration of you getting kicked out of the house by that harpy mother of yours, I’m going to use my extreme powers to show you a good time.”
“Um...”
“You know, sex, drugs, rock ’n’ roll, chips, dips, chains, whips. Standard afternoon for me, really.” He pushed his shades up against his nose.
“Oh, God,” Lucian whispered in horror.
“Trust me, I’m the definition of OG. Worst comes worst, I’ve got more guns in the trunk than are legal in this country.”
***
“Ugh, seven kinds of hell...” Lucian groaned, laying on his bac. His eyelids flickered open.
For a solid minute, he just stared up at the stone ceiling, his vision glazing over as he mind ran over its most recent memories. Then he blinked, tearing up his dry eyes. “Ah, shit,” Lucian groaned, rubbing the tears away.
Sitting up, he partially dug his fingers into his temples, messaging them in an attempt to overwhelm the dull hum of pain throbbing in his skull. As he did so, his eyes surveyed his environment. “Okay... I’m on a tiny bed, in a dimly-lit stone room. Oh, hey, look — a barred window. That’s a surefire sign of two things: either I’m in the projects or—” he sighed heavily “—I’m in prison.”
His back touched something, the stone wall. “Yep. Jail.” He glanced down to his waist. “Uh-huh. Just typical. They took my Pokemon.” With a sudden slump forwards, he buried his face in his hands. “Shiiiit. I’m too young for jail. I don’t even know where to get a spoon to dig out. And there’s not nearly enough Morgan Freeman voice overs to give me the energy to even do that. Where am I even gonna get a poster of a lady to hide my tunnel?”
“Ah. You’re awake,” said a male voice.
Looking up, Lucian saw a pony standing on the other side of the room, and who was before the bars that marked the cell proper. The pony eyed Lucian, and Lucian returned the favor, noting the pony’s white lab coat.
“I’ve been wondering when you’d wake up; actually had a pot going on to see how long your species would be affected by that spell,” he continued. “Because of you, I lost twenty bits.”
“Gee, I’m so damn sorry,” Lucian spat. “If you let me out of here, I’m sure I could turn to a life of crime, in order to repay this grand sum you’ve lost on my behalf.”
He chuckled, adjusting his glasses. “So, that’s true; you have a rather dry sense of humor.” After shaking his head, he offered, “My name is Doctor G, but my friends just call me G, and my wife calls me Gigi.” G shook his head. “Anyways, I’m head Royal Equestrian Institute for the Sciences, and a leading board members for the Cerchens.”
Lucian held his tongue, glaring at the Doctor.
“Huh. Silent treatment, eh?” G shrugged. “Rest assured, it won’t do you any good.”
“What do you want? A medal.”
“By the time we’re all done, I’ll probably have a few, yes.”
Lucian put his hands behind his head and leaned against the wall. “So, what’s up your sleeve? Torture? Prison showers? Ya plannin’ on cutting me open without anesthetics, just to see what makes me tick?”
G didn’t reply, and Lucian smirked.
“This is the part where you try to intimidate me, right? You think I’m some sort of hostile aliens come to invade your virgin world, huh? Well, lemme tell you something, Doc G: You can go merrily screw yourself. I’m none of these things that threaten you. So why don’t you just let me go so I can find my way back home.”
The Doctor adjusted his glasses. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“You’re in there on royal orders.”
“Royal orders?” Lucian scoffed. “Who’s your king?”
“Celestia. And she’s a Princess, mind you.”
The trainer facepalmed. “Great. Just. Great. I’ve ended up in some kind of fairytale girly land, where Princesses actually wield power and have a purpose other than ‘be kidnapped’ and ‘be the hero’s love interest’. Son of a whore.”
“Right. So, what are you called?”
“You’re worst nightmare,” Lucian growled.
“We had her happen a few years ago, actually. From what I hear, she’s actually a very productive member of society nowadays.”
“Say what?”
“I repeat: what are you called?”
“The King of Poland, Archduke of Lithuania, and part-time manager of your local Burger King.”
The Doctor sighed. “Look, just give me your name; you have me at a disadvantage, otherwise.”
The trainer hesitated “My name is Lucian.”
With a faint glow from his horn, the Doctor pulled out a pen and clipboard. He opened his mouth, but the trainer interjected. “L-u-c-i-a-n. Lucian.”
G nodded. “Thanks. That’ll help.”
“Tell me, with I get a nice grave, or be buried in an unmarked grave in the ass-end of nowhere.”
“Not up to me, I’m afraid,” G said with a smirk. “But may I ask you another question?”
“Go to hell. And to answer what you were probably going to ask: I’m human, a species highly evolved to specialize in extreme intelligence, superb dexterity, and an absurdly unending level of endurance. Oh, and I eat meat. And fruit. And chemicals, judging by what they put in food nowadays.”
As G finished writing on his clipboard, he looked up again. “I get the feeling that you’ve been in this situation before.”
“No. I’ve just seen this so many times on TV and shit that my responses are basically just rote.”
“TV?”
Lucian groaned. “Picture your mother, okay?”
G nodded.
“Now, try to pretend that she’s not a filthy whore, and get over your mommies issues. I’m tired of you taking it out on me.”
The pony shot him a puzzled look. “I’m not taking anything out on you.”
“And I mean, are you seriously all your government can afford to interrogate me?”
“No, actually that interrogation hasn’t begun yet. I’m just here to do some basic assessments, find out your name and the like.”
The trainer blinked. “Say what?”
“Yeah, Princess Luna wanted to personally handle this little... endeavor of hers.”
“Wait. What happened to Princess Celestia?”
“Oh, no, we have two. Celestia is the sun, and Luna is the moon.”
“Either your metaphors are really stupid, or you mean to tell me that they are gods.”
“Goddesses, if you want to be dramatic.” He smirked, his glasses gleaming as they caught a stray beam of light. “I don’t recommend pissing her off; I hear that Luna has... something of a tempor.”
“Gee. My day keeps gettin’ better and better. Wonder how many dissections I’ll’ve undergone by tomorrow?”
G shrugged.
Lucian leaned forwards, using his weight to push himself to his feet, head scraping against the ceiling. “What am I accused of? I was attacked; it was self defense.”
“Yeah; I'll admit, any lawyer is going to have one hay of a time trying to count nearly a hundred cases of ‘self defense’ against Royal Guards, huh?”
“This is a witch hunt, you know. Torture me to death all you want, I’m not guilty of anything.”
“A... witch hunt?”
“Yeah. Like Salem. I’ll be John Proctor the farmer, and you can be Senator Joseph McCarthy.”
G shook his head. “Perhaps you should lay back down and rest.”
“Wait — wha’ ’bout food? Can I get any?”
“No, sorry. Explicit orders; we’re not to feed you until after the interrogation.”
Lucian sank back down onto the small bed. “By Babylon’s buxom broads, bad business be boomin’.”
“Can... alliterate,” G muttered, writing down as he spoke.
“Is dat all, Masta? Oh, shucks, Masta. I do be hopin’ de white man ain’t gon’ be gettin’ no issues,” Lucian croaked. “Oh, Lawd a’mussy, I tells you, I ain’t looked at no white woman.”
“Not sure what any of that was, but yes, my work here is done. But worry not; you and I shall be seeing each other real soon. Real soon, indeed.”
Lucian mocked G’s last sentence as the pony crept out of sight. “It’s times like this when I wish that I took Grandpa’s advice, and stored a knife in my ass, in case of situations just like these.”
He continued muttering to himself as he laid back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
***
“So, you’re the little runt who’s been causing us so much trouble, hmm?” a male voice said.
Lucian opened his eyes, seeing only darkness. “Wha’?”
“If you’re willing to play along, perhaps we can all profit,” a lady’s voice replied.
“No, no, no — that lines comes later.”
“Oh, it does?” she chuckled. “Sorry.”
Lucian glanced around, blinking his eyes. When he tried to move his arms, he found them strapped down, and his legs were no better. Trying to move his chest only revealed the straps that held his back up against something. “Oh, shit, think — I’m tied to a wooden chair, I think, in a very dark room. Wait. Where the hell did they get people chairs from? I didn’t see any of these before.”
A single ray palored moonlight fluttered in from above, right onto the head of another pony standing in the shadows. Lucian couldn’t see her eyes; her whole face was just a silhouette to him, but he felt that this was the lady who had spoken mere seconds ago.
“Hello,” she said in a dark tone of voice. “Who am I is unimportant—”
“Princess Luna,” Lucian said, and the mare blinked.
“M-maybe.”
He squinted his eyes, glaring at the silhouette. “Holy shit, you’re that bitch that knocked me out, aren’t you?”
The shadow stiffened, then sighed. “Yes, I am she.”
He gritted his teeth. “I went through a lotta work trying to earn a name for myself out there as the best. Then this little floozy comes along and cheats her way to victory. Can’t even fight me like you’re pretending you were a man.”
She didn’t reply.
Lucian took a deep breath through his nose. then smiled his widest, bearing all his teeth. “So, what can I do ya for today?”
“Perhaps you should what your tongue around our lady,” the male voice said as a large eagle-like talon crept from out of the corner of Lucian’s vision. He watched it move, without a body attached to it, and how the talon poked at his tied-down hand.”
“Neato.,” Lucian dismissed. “So, who’s the dude, Miss Bitch?” he asked, and he could have sworn that the silhouette’s eye twitched.
“Oh, I’m nopony, really,” the male said from behind him. “Just your friendly neighborhood spirit of chaos, a discordant melody breaking the flow of nature.”
“And I’m Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!”
“Your name is Lucian,” Luna said.
“The correct answer was the biggest Polish city of the 19th century: Chicago! Coincidentally, the ‘Chicago Way’ refers to waging a brutal, brutal citywide guerrilla war. I learned that from one of my escapades into tabletop RPGs. We’re talking, like, mutilating bodies of the enemy army and turning their corpses into little shrines of gore.” He shook his head, sighing. “Yeah, I don’t think I was a very healthy child, mentally speaking.”
“You really oughtn’t go off on a tangent like that,” the male said.
“And you should give me a real name, guy who is either invisible or behind me.”
“I am called Discord.”
Lucian chuckled. “Aww, I was hoping you’d be Khorne, the Chaos God of Blood, War, and Murder.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not that kind of spirit.”
“And I’m not that kind of thief,” the trainer groaned.
“Excuse me?” Luna asked.
“So, Discord, you’re basically a god, right?” Lucian asked, ignoring Luna.
“Well, on a dramatic day, I suppose. I mean, it’s a bit more dramatic than I’d like, and rather inaccurate, but I am the physical embodiment of chaos.”
Lucian nodded, noticing that his neck has some limited mobility. “Well, I don’t believe in you.”
“So?”
“So, if you’re a god, I don’t believe in you. Thus, you should dissapear in a puff and logic, and die.”
Discord chuckled. “That’s not how this works—”
“So, Luna, why’ve you been sitting there silent for so long? It’s not like there’s anyone else for me to talk to in here,” Lucian said.
“Hey! I’m still here,” Discord hissed.
The silhouette glanced around. “Tell us, what do you want from us?”
“Well, I usually go to place for only two reason: to kick ass and chew bubblegum. If you’ve got bubblegum, I won’t kick anyone’s ass. Sound fair?”
The moonbeam got strong, revealing more of Luna’s body. “Try again.”
“If you get me a large plasma TV, netflix on it, and all the things to make these things works, I promise you I’ll tell you everything I know. I mean, that amounts to nothing, but at least I can watch Mystery Science Theater 3000.” The straps holding him down tightened. “Oi, what gives?”
“You know, it wasn’t easily trying to invent a new style of chair to suit your kind, xenomorph,” Luna offered, rubbing a hoof over her breast as if shining it. Holding the hoof out and looking over it, the Princess continued: “So, we had to make little... improvisions to hold you.”
“Yeah; this chair does suck,” Lucian replied, wiggling. “Why couldn’t you have spruced for something nicer; you are royalty, after all. Unless, I mean, you were trying to go for the whole Tower of London approach. In that case, I sure as hell ain’t Mary, Queen of Scots. And you’re certainly no virgin queen to be.”
“Please, you should behave yourself in a lady’s presence, welp,” Discord’s voice cooed into Lucian’s ear. “After all, if nothing else, I am the lord of your wooden throne with lace of rope.” The restraints tugged, but did not tighten.
“Video et taceo. Semper eadem,” the trainer spat. “I see, and say nothing. Ever constant.”
Luna sighed. “This is not getting very far. Discord, can you tell me what you’ve figured about his magical aura?”
Silence, interrupted only by Lucian grunts against his restraints.
“Discord, say something,” she said.
“I... I can’t,” Discord stumbled.
“What mean you?”
“He... does not have a magical signature. At all.”
Luna blinked. “But that’s impossible! You know what that one did! Tell you me that he’s not magical?”
“His aura, if you can call it that, does not extend to magic. Not of the unicorn, pegasus, or earth pony type. It’s actually rather amazing. It’s like... a chaotic mess of nothingness, just waiting to be tapped into, to let the nought seep out.”
She didn’t reply, just shifted her weight.
“There might be one explanation, Princess.”
“But could he really be that powerful,” Luna replied, gritting her teeth.
Lucian tilted his head an inch to the side. “Um, mind letting me in what it exactly that explanation is? Or, for that matter, where this Discord guy is?”
The Princess just eyed Lucian, as if staring at him would somehow bring her the key to some ancient riddle.
“Hello? Lady? Disembodied voice? Anyone?”
“I thought you said you didn’t believe in me,” Discord offered.
“Oh, no, you misunderstand. I don’t recognize your divinity,” the trainer replied. “I acknowledge that you are and were a real historical figure, but I refuse to recognize you as being a god. I’m like a Unitarian, but for gods of chaos. Un-Unitarian? Disunitarian? Yeah, I like that one better.”
“Lucian,” Luna commanded, “where from where do you come?”
Her eyes twitched. “I asked first, Lucian.”
“If you knew my name the whole while, why the hell did you start off my asking it? Oh, wait, I know — because you’re bad at your job,” the trainer snided. “Seriously, where do you come from?”
“A place where ponies don’t end their sentences with prepositions.”
“Ah, allow me to fix that. Where ya from, bitch?”
She gritted her teeth. “Look, Lucian, work with us. Because if you don’t, bad things are going to happen. To you, in fact. And because of my associate’s impatience. I don’t want that to happen, so why don’t—”
“No, no, no!” Lucian snapped. “You can’t fall back to that. The interrogation has already failed; you can’t play good cop, invisible cop with me anymore. So, your choices are to attach jumper cables to my nipples and fry me to kingdom come, or give up. That’s what it’s come to.”
“How about candy?” Discord offered.
Luna ran a hoof through her flowing mane. “No, thank you. This really isn’t the time for sweets.”
“Not for you, for him.”
She squinted. “Why?”
“So he’ll cooperate,” Discord said. “How about that: we give you candy, and you cooperate with that.”
The Princess scoffed. “Oh, please. If it were that simple, we would have—”
“I like candy,” Lucian chirped, and Luna did a double take. “What kinda can we talkin’ ’bout here?”
“The good kind,” he purred.
Cocking a brow, the trainer said, “Color me intrigued.”
Luna just stood here, jaw ajar.
“Well, what kind would you like? My chaotic powers give me the ability to create all sorts of candy for you.”
“Do you have an unmarked white van?” the trainer asked.
“I don’t know what that is, so no.”
“Good. Because the image of a disembodied voice with magical candy powers driving around an unmarked van labeled ‘free candy’ was not a nice image. Oh, and can you also destroy this candy after making it?”
“I suppose so. Why?”
“Because after I eat it, I want you destroy it so that I don’t get fat. My society puts a ton of pressure on me to remain skinny, and getting fat is pretty much up there with my biggest fears. Or is it? I don’t know; it’s a cultural thing. So if you could let me have my cake, eat it too, but not have me gain any calories and shit, I’d be most appreciative.”
“Well, it’s a bit odd, but we have a deal,” Discord chirped.
“Killer, mate. So, what do you want to know? No, wait — some candy first, to prove that you’re not bullshiting me. I want one of those giant Hershey’s bars. No, a large Snickers; not as large as the Hershey’s, but a bunch of them to make up for it. Snickers are bitchin’.”
Luna shook her head, using a hoof to manually set her jaw back into place.
“What are those?” Discord asked.
Lucian’s eyes went hollowed, his pupils shrinking to mere dots barely visible against the white of his eyes. “Oh my God, I’m in hell,” he whispered.
The Princess jolted upwards, straightening her back, both of her ears flickering upwards, her wings spreading wide. “Do you feel that? Discord, I think we angered him!”
The chair disintegrated into nothingness, dropping Lucian onto the stone ground. His right cheekbone wrung out in pain from the impact, the cold ground sucking the warmth from his body. Yet he remained still, making no sound, his mind eruption into a hurricane about just how horrible hell was. Out of the corner of his eyes, where the chair had been, there was only something hovering above ground, its scaly red tail dragging on the ground.
“No, Princess,” Discord’s voice said, now coming from above the scaly tail. “Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but I think it’s the same monster from earlier.”
“What‽”
“Who else would blow a hole in the hole? And it’s not even Sunday yet.”
“What hole‽ There’s no—”
A dark wall erupted into a storm of dust and scattered stones, accompanied by the sound of screeching steel.
“That hole, M’lady.”
As the first particles of debris began to settle, rays of light rained into the room, blinding Lucian. But as his vision adjusted slowly, he couldn’t help but look towards the broken wall, to see the human-like figure standing admits the ruins, its flesh a swirling of particles not unlike the dust it had kicked. And it was glaring at Lucian, making eye contact.
Lucian groaned. “You know, when you break through the wall, you gotta say ‘OH YEAH!’, or else you’re doing it wrong.”
The figure disappeared, as if it had never been there. As it did so, a distance whooshing noise clawed at the air beyond the trainer. Swiveling his eyes to the sound, he saw the thing standing above him, its grey trenchcoat shimmering in an invisible breeze.
“Oh, fancy you to come join us,” Discord said as the red tail slammed into the creature, dispersing it into a cloud made of an incalculable number of grey particles.
Following the tail up, Lucian came face-to-face with an elongated, serpentine body composed of a mismatching amalgam of various beasts, with a claw, a paw, and a pair of wings from two different animals. At the top of the amalgamation was a head, like that of a pony but longer and sleeker, with a single fang poking from one corner of the mouth.
“Well, you’re discordant, alright,” Lucian muttered, feeling as though he should probably be feeling fear, but didn’t.
The swarm of particles took form again, standing on the trainer’s other side. Its right arm forming a long, jagged blade.
“Well, this about ruins my day,” he grumbled as the arm thrust forwards towards Lucian. He didn’t blink, just stared as the weapon sailed through the arm.
With an explosion of light, the entity was hurl backwards, retaining its shape as it landed on the ground and rolled. There, standing before Lucian and likely taller than he was, was a giant and slender pony. Looking at her, he got flashbacks to that one Ponyta he caught and evolved into a Rapidash. And at first glance, this new pony looked like his Rapidash, only taller, whiter, had luxuriously long wings, and wasn’t on fire.
“Sorry for not warning you, sister,” the slender mare before Lucian said, unfurling a wing, as if to shield him from the entity’s sight. “I trust it hasn’t caused you too much trouble.”
Princess Luna gingerly stepped into Lucian’s field of view, taking position next to her sister and staring down the entity, watching it amble to a stand. “Depends on what you by by ‘it’. If the monster, then none. If our guest of honor, then all the world’s trouble has he caused me.”
Discord whistled from above. “I helped, too.” As his talon touched the ceiling, the bricks forming it and the nearby wall hurriedly flew out of place and cobbled together into a huge hand.
The hand balled into a fist, spreading dust and loose pebbles showering down as it tore through the air. Shattering itself into a thousand pieces and knocking the thing back onto the ground, the mass of stone collided with the entity, kicking up yet more dust. But the rocks all began to vibrate as they moved as if by magic towards the entity, forming into a blanket keeping the thing pinned to the ground.
“Well, it looks like the traps has been sprung well, don’t you think?” Discord said, baring his teeth into a cheshire grin.
“Were it so easy,” Luna replied, pointing to the the blanket of stones as a fleet of swarming particles formed into a new body next to them, evaporation the old one.
Lucian pushed his arms at the ground, bringing a knee up to his chest and putting the leg’s foot on the ground. In a single motion, he stood us. Rubbing the back of his neck, he turned towards the hole in the wall, his legs lurching him forwards.
The entity dematerialized into its swarm, hurtling towards Lucian. In an instant it made itself whole again, standing before Lucian, raising and a hand curled into a strangling gesture.
“I am in no goddamn mood!” Lucian bellowed, kicking a foot out, only to jerk it sideways and sweep through the entity’s legs.
A second passed.
“Oh, shit. Only attack I know is kicking you kneecaps, and you ain’t got no legs,” he muttered. “Oh, shit! You don’t got no legs, and you’re gonna kill me!”
As the thing’s hand jerked forwards, as Lucian felt the electric tingle of its fingers beginning to tighten around his neck, it all ended. In the blink of an eye, he was standing on a grassy knoll, blue skies rolling above him, and with a white castle perched precariously upon a nearby mountain.
His legs collapsed, sending him to the ground. For an instant he considered getting back up, but that moment was just that: all thoughts of movement died, instead replaying of loop of memories, memories of what has just happened. All accompanied by chants of just how screwed he was.
“What did Discord do‽” Luna barked.
“He teleported us away, it seems,” Celestia said, her voice utterly calm.
“I could maybe understand for our guest, but for us?”
“Grassy knoll,” Lucian chuckled through a mumbled tone. “My God, it was I, I who killed Kennedy. It all makes sense now.”
Celestia glanced at the human, who was rolling around in the grassy, his arms held over his chest and with hands clutching his shoulders. “It appears our guest has broken down.”
“Um, what’s that?” Luna asked, pointing to a grossly massive butterfly flying towards them, holding a scroll its rolled-up proboscis. As it neared the Princesses, it dropped the scroll and exploded into confetti. Touching the scroll with her magic, the scroll erupted into a puff of black smoke, replaced by a transparent miniature of Discord engaged in some sort of hula dance.
The mares exchanged glances. Celestia moved her mouth to speak, but was cut by my Discord’s voice coming from the miniature.
“Is it on? I said, is it on? Oh, it’s been on.” He cleared his throat. “If you have received this message, then one of two things have happened: either I’ve been affected by a hitherto unknown evil which has corrupted me and I have gone completely off the deep-end evil, or one or both of you Princesses really need to give me some personal space. In any case, you’ve been teleported to some random hills far away from Canterlot, but still in view.
“If it’s because I’ve gone evil, it’s because I may have already accidentally discovered a method to pretty much destroy the whole city and enslave it in a matter of seconds, and moving you here ensures that you’re okay, and proves that this wasn’t because I wanted to go evil. In the later case, Mr. Wiggles the Butterfly of Butter should be along any moment now with two all-expenses paid vacations to some exotic tropical resort. You two need a vacation, and I’ve cobbled this together for you on my meagre salary, so take it.
“Don’t try going back to Canterlot, either; I’ve put a spell on you to keep you out, which can only be dispelled if you attain the extreme levels of relaxation and comfort afforded only by fancy tropical resorts; by a specific counterspell that my giant guinea pig, Manfred, is currently delivering to Twilight, which he’ll only do if I go evil; or by me dispelling it for utterly arbitrary reasons. Toodles!
“Oh, and please don’t try to eat Mr. Wiggles the Butterly of Butter. I know he goes great with toast, but apparently I accidentally gave him feelings and now, well, just don’t try it.
“Ciao!”
***
“Ah, now that that’s taken care of, let us duel like gentlefolk,” Discord said, floating in the air and adjusting his monocle, a dapper top hat perched on his head. “I’ve seen enough of what you can do to gain an insight into just how you work, to know that Celestia and Luna need to be as far away from you as possible,” he continued between sips of tea.
The monster struggled as a huge fist of stone held it tight.
“Fight all you like, you’re not getting out of there. I know how you twist dimensions, how to make the impossible a reality, how you’re fitting all that power into such a tiny form.” He snapped his talons, and the entity was transported into a large bird cage of gold. “Hmm... What’s a better way to phrase what you do? Phase? Do you phase through dimensions? But with that almost electric surge of feeling about you, it’s more like a… a glitch.”
Stirring sugar into his tea, he nodded. “Yes. A glitch. Like a mechanical error. I like that.” He snapped the feathers at the edge of his tail like they were fingers. The gilded cage vanished, and the entity found itself encased a solid block of banana-and-waffle-cone ice cream.
“You seem almost... imperfect, a flaw given shape and cause,” he went on, casually biting a chunk out of his porcelain teacup. “But you’re all wrong. You’re chaos made whole, in a sense. But—” he chuckled “—and here’s the good part, chaos is my business. Ordo ab Chao? Ha. So long as I live, chaos reigns, and I am a jealous lord.”
The block of ice cream vanished, replaced by a large teddy bear costume, with the entity’s head sticking out. It glared at Discord, its eyes practically alight.
“Every time you try to mount an attack against me, I’ll just swap your prison. So, why don’t you just give up already, hmm?” he said, bashing the monster’s skull with his tail, sending it sprawling onto its back. It tried to get up, only for a potted plant to fall from heaven and onto its face, knocking it back down. “Be reasonable and accept defeat. You can’t beat me, you must realize.”
He glanced around the dome-like room he was is in. “See? I’m both stronger than you and have a better taste in fashion? These walls made out of candies, and this ceiling of grass. Hold on. No. Grass is too mainstream.” He snapped his talons, prompting row after of row of giant blue roses to sprout from the ceiling, the biggest of which had it’s center replaced by the entity’s face.
“I told you,” Discord chuckled, his voice echoing off itself, “you’re in my realm, my domain, my kingdom. For when the sisters are away, I shall play. And you, dear friend, shall pay this day, and I care not if they say whether or not I may.”
Turning into a mass of particles, the entity flew to the ground, reforming into its hominid form just as it slammed into the marble floor.
“Oh, what’s this? You’ve stopped trying to break out pf this little pocket dimension? My, this sure is innovation on your part.”
Its mouth moved, but no sound came out. The entity stopped, made motion as jerking motion, then opened its maw again. “I do not forgive the sins of the father passed to his sons.”
“Oh, look at this. You can speak, with with such a lovely voice, like the disharmonious screams of a thousand lost souls all communicating through you at once, in once clear voice. Spooky.”
The monster spread its arms, saying in a totally different voice, “In the name of God, impure souls—” the voice hiccuped “—shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen.”
“Ah. So you’re stealing the words of others, not making your own, huh? I’ve got to hand it to you, that’s pretty unique.”
With a hiss of static, the entity’s arms exploded outwards, filling the room with its particles, not unlike a fire hydrant and water. As the particles filled up the room’s floor, the thing turned its arm cannons towards Discord. “I can’t help you. I belong to a world where all is death. Your world of choices was not meant for me to interfere with,” it said in the same voice as last time. “I’ve been hungry for so very long, but you’re going to help me change that.”
Raising a pink parasol in his defense, the buzzing particles streamed off, flooding down onto the floor. Then the stream fell silent. When Discord put the parasol away, he grumbled, “Great, and now the dog think’s he’s got spunk. He could at least steal another pony’s words, not just keep quoting the same one.”
The walls began to shake, chippings of paint and candy breaking off and plummeting to the floor. The cage, bear costume, flowers, and all else of Discord’s little creations began to vibrate and morph into cubes of particles.
“If I’m a dog,” the thing said, “then you’re dog food.”
With an explosion of light, the walls shattered, the candy vaporising and the grass ceiling rotting away into oblivion. As the debris rained down, the entity turned itself into a swarm of particles, charging out a broken wall and back into Canterlot proper.
Discord chuckled, smiling to himself. “Oh, I haven’t had this much fun in eons.” He snapped his talons, the dome-like room vanished, replaced by the ruins of the interrogation room. “Run, run, run, as fast as you can. But I’ll catch you. And you will know my name as thy lord when I smite my vengeance upon thee.”