"Ma'am, are you sure that I can't interest you in..."
"This is the third time you've asked me!" the irritated pegasus mare snapped back at James. "For the last time, I don't want any of your freaky gadgets."
Watching his most recent victim trot away, May sighed and turned back to his fellow hosts with a dismayed expression.
"Something tells me we're going to be here for a while," Hammond muttered to Clarkson, who was still irate over the loss of his wikipedia articles.
"No kidding," the taller man grumbled back. "And if I have to wait in this freaky town for much longer I'll eventually snap, and we'll all be charged with murder."
"Oh, hello!" Hammond exclaimed in surprise as one of the film crew stepped out of the F250. Approaching the three costars without speaking, the man held out another small envelope, which Clarkson snatched eagerly. Like a child on Christmas morning, he ripped the envelope open with ruthless abandon and began to read the letter.
"Now that you have earned enough to get by in the magical land of Equestria, your next challenge is to transport yourselves and your cars to the nearby city of Cloudsdale, which is located a mere 15 miles North-West."
"Well that sounds easy enough." Hammond said brightly.
"Unfortunately, three of these are vertical miles, which means that your cars will need to be outfitted with the latest in unicorn magic."
"Three vertical miles?" James asked, bewildered. "But the only mountain close enough to fit the bill is North-East, not North-West."
"To reach Cloudsdale,"Jeremy continued "Your cars will need to be enchanted with a cloud-walking spell."
"Blimey," James said softly.
"Fortunately, there is one local Ponyville resident with the magical abilities required to cast such a spell..." Clarkson trailed off, his face reddening.
"Well go on then," Hammond pressed. "Who is it?"
"This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain purple librarian, would it?" James asked with a grin, figuring it out.
"Shut it." Clarkson grumbled, as the three men started back towards the huge oak tree.
---
"Keep calm Twilight," she muttered to herself as she watched the three humans approach the tree through her binoculars. "I'm sure they're just here to talk."
The unicorn had put a lot of thought into her, admittedly rather rude, deception since the tall human had left the library with barely enough money to buy a sandwich. Perhaps angering a member of an unknown species, a species with the capacity for extreme violence hadn't been the best of ideas. That being said, this 'Clarkson' had seemed morally inept enough that she didn't feel guilty in the slightest. Fear at the possibility of revenge though, she was more than capable of.
But Twilight Sparkle stood tall, ready to face her fate, whatever it may be. Spike, at least, had returned to bed, and would hopefully not incur the wrath of the humans. Squaring her jaw, she watched and waited as the unintelligible murmurings of soft conversations from the other side of the door became louder and louder.
---
"And what kind of people build a city out of clouds anyway?" Hammond complained as they closed in on the library.
"I don't care," Clarkson growled. "But I'm sure as hell going to take this opportunity to give a certain unicorn a piece of my mind." Stepping up to the entrance of the library, Jeremy swung the door open wide.
"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!" The purple unicorn screamed, tears spilling from her eyes as she fled upstairs, scattering books everywhere as she went.
"Boy, that escalated quickly." May muttered in the awkward silence that followed.
"Maybe it would be best if you stayed outside Jeremy." Hammond suggested, earning himself a glare from his cohost.
"Fine," Jeremy replied. "I don't think I can put up with much more of this nonsense." Stomping outside, he slammed the door shut behind him. Little did the other two know though, Jeremy had a plan.
"Bloody cock-faced unicorn thinks it can outsmart me," he grumbled as he made the trek back to the three cars. "I'll show her."
Stomping over to his Aston, Clarkson reached through the window to the passenger side foot-well, grinning as he retrieved the deceptively innocent looking can. "Now I'm glad I thought to bring this along," he chuckled evilly, before turning back around and making his way back to the library.
---
"Look, you're not in any trouble, we're really just after a... ugh... a spell," Hammond barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he felt asking a purple unicorn to cast a spell.
"Yes, and we were told that you'd be the one to come to." May continued, unabashed. "Clarkson went back outside, and it's not like he'd hurt you anyway."
A moment of silence reigned before Twilight's voice emerged, muffled slightly by the closet door. "Are... are you sure?"
"Yeah," Hammond replied. "Wouldn't make for very good television after all."
The closet door creaked open, the handle surrounded by an ethereal purple light. "I'll just pretend that I understood that, and take your word for it," Twilight said, her eyes casting about for signs of an ambush. "So what kind of spell is it you need anyway?"
"A cloud walking spell," James said. "We need it placed on the cars so that we can get them to Cloudsdale."
Twilight smiled a little, having seen no sign of imminent danger. "Okay, that should be easy enough. I'll do it for free, seeing as how I ripped your friend off. Sometimes I just don't think about what I'm doing where books and texts are involved." The unicorn blushed sheepishly, the guilt she felt evident in her expression.
"Sounds good," Hammond said, tilting his head towards the top of the stairs. "Shall we then?"
---
Downstairs, Jeremy waited until the fading voices of his two friends and the purple menace faded completely. His face still lit up by an evil grin, the tall man set off in a search of the small library. Something told him that messing with this mare's books wasn't the brightest of ideas, so he ignored the wall-to-wall bookshelves and ascended the stairs. Reaching the top, he found himself in a cozy living area, decorated generously with picture frames and other personal affects. At last though, his eyes lit upon something suitable.
"Oh yes," he sniggered.
---
"There we are!" Twilight exclaimed brightly. "All three of your vehicles will no longer fall through the clouds."
"Brilliant," May said. "Now I don't know about Richard, but I don't particularly feel like falling three miles myself, do you think you could cast the same spell on us, Twilight?"
"Of course!" Twilight said brightly, her horn lighting up again. "There, that should... do it?"
"I like how confident you sounded when you said that." Richard remarked.
"It's strange," Twilight commented. "I think there's something about you two that's blocking my spell. I just can't seem to target either of you." She closed her eyes in concentration, her brow furrowing. "It's like you don't exist, magically speaking."
"So what you're saying is..."
"That I can't do it." Twilight slumped in defeat. "Whatever it is, it's not letting me hone in on your signatures. As far as my magic is concerned, I'm casting at thin air."
"Gee, thanks." Hammond snapped. "So the cars will float on the clouds, but we'll fall right through?"
"Well, thinking back, the letter didn't mention us getting ourselves enchanted" James supplied helpfully. "Just the cars. I suppose that now isn't a good time to mention that I'm scared of heights."
James was prevented from complaining further however by the sudden arrival of Jeremy, who, to everyone's surprise, completely ignored the purple unicorn, instead only looking inquisitively at his fellow presenters.
"What's going on then chaps?" he asked pleasantly.
"Well, we've got the cars enchanted," James began. "But we've hit a slight snag."
"And what's that then?"
"If you try to get out of your car you will fall through the clouds and die, because the spell won't work on us."
"Stay in the car, got it. Anything else?"
Richard and James glanced at each other. Jeremy was suspiciously calm and collected, and the two men knew that something was up. Twilight however, broke the silence first.
"Um, yes actually..." her voice trailed off in embarrassment, and she shuffled her hooves slightly as her horn lit up. A large coin purse materialised with a small pop, and floated over to Jeremy. "I'm sorry I cheated you, I don't know what came over me. There's around a thousand hundred bits in here, it's all I have around the library for emergencies, and it's still probably not enough for the information you gave me. I just hope that you'll forgive me." Her voice trailed off, and she developed a sudden interest in the dirt between her hooves.
Jeremy grinned and accepted the coin pouch eagerly, stuffing it immediately into his jacket pocket. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me," he said casually, opening the drivers side door of his Aston and sliding in with all the grace of a sack of potatoes being tossed down stairs.
"What do you mean by tha-" Twilight began to ask curiously. Hammond, sensing that it was time to move on, cut her off.
"Now which way did you say it was to Cloudsdale again?" he asked, praying that his sudden change of topic would be successful.
Fortunately, Twilight paid Clarkson no more mind as she answered. "If you were going up by yourselves, the quickest way would be hot-air balloon, but because you're taking carriages-"
"Cars," all three humans interrupted simultaneously.
"Cars then..." Twilight rolled her eyes. "You'll need to find some pegasi to take you up."
"Okay, by 'take us up' you mean what exactly?" Jeremy asked, popping his head out of the window, confused.
"Oh, they'll pull your wagons..." Twilight was amused to see all three men flinch at the term "to Cloudsdale themselves."
"You can't be serious." James said, unconvinced. "That Jeep weighs two tons, how the hell are some winged ponies going to carry it three miles into the air? It makes no sense whatsoever."
"Pegasi can pull just about anything with a cloud-walking spell on it." Twilight explained, enjoying the flabbergasted look on May's face as he struggled to understand the physics behind such a thing. "It stems from their natural ability to manipulate the clouds themselves."
"Magnets, gotcha." Richard said, smiling.
"It's not magnets!" Twilight snorted. "It's a highly complex series of biological and thaumatic processes which..."
"Anyway," Jeremy cut in. "Where exactly can we find pegasi who would be willing to carry us up to Cloudsdale?"
"Well, the post office will do it for a small fee," Twilight replied. "They're in the West side of town, on the main road. Just... go easy on her, okay?"
"Who?" Hammond asked.
"The mailmare can be a little... scatterbrained," Twilight explained. "But she really is a nice mare, so don't you go picking on her!"
"Yeah, whatever," Jeremy said, plainly keen to leave. "Thanks for the help, and good luck with the nuclear fission." He turned his head towards his companions, who were also climbing into their cars. "Gentlemen, shall we?"
Bidding one last farewell to Twilight, the three humans started up their engines and pulled away, leaving a trail of dust in their wake. Twilight shrugged and trotted back to the library.
On opening the door though, she was met with a highly unusual sight.
"Twilight?" Spike asked, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing at all" Twilight stammered, staring at her assistant, her attempt at a poker face failing miserably. Spike raised his eyebrows, but let it drop as it became apparent that she wasn't going to say anything.
"Whatever," the young dragon said, yawning. "I'm gonna go wash up." Humming merrily himself, the dragon padded his way over to the bathroom. Twilight waited. One second. Two seconds.
"OH SWEET CELESTIA TWILIGHT, WHY AM I PINK!?"