//------------------------------// // Troy Ahoy! // Story: Stick to the Script! // by Sam Cole //------------------------------// Chapter two: Troy Ahoy! Co Author for the Chapter is Clonetrooperkev. Hit them up and enjoy the ride. Twilight and Rainbow solemnly walked to the city, ready to head out on their journey to bring whoever was Helen back to Spurta. “So am I invencible?” Rainbow inquired. “How should I know? Do you really want to test the theory?” After serious thought, Rainbow decided she didn’t want to run that risk, and instead set about her next important item on her list. “I don’t want to go to Troy.” “We have to do it,” Twilight groaned. “I don’t want to.” “We have no choice.” “But-” “It just is, Rainbow. Alright?!” Twilight barked. “But I get really seasick,” Rainbow groaned. “I can’t even set hoof on a boat without getting queasy.” “Me too, Rainbow. Me too.” The pair walked onto the pier, and were greeted by the army of troops amassed, ready to give their lives for this most noble of causes. Except there was one problem. The numbers. “Twilight, we’re going to die, aren’t we?” Rainbow asked as she examined her troop of 10 ponies. “We don’t even have enough to run the ship,” Twilight groaned. “I’m going to have to do it with magic I guess.” “That’s the spirit!” A familiar voice sang out to them. “Oh hello Mayor,” Twilight smiled. “It makes sense that you would be the queen of Spurta.” “Why of course it does. It takes leadership to maintain this great community we all have!” She smiled. “A community on the threat of collapse without our Princess Fluttershy. Achilles Dash, you are our greatest hero. Will you take war to the gates of Troy, for our beloved Princess?” “Heck, I’d do anything for Shy,” Rainbow scoffed. “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going to let anypony hurt her.” “Hmm, I’m glad to hear it. Take our entire army,” The mayor said, motioning to the collective. “I’d call this a squad, not an army...” Twilight said. “They were the only ones who knew how to put the armor on, alright?” “Sorry,” Twilight blushed. “I’ll get the ship ready. Rainbow, you-” “Patroclus Sparkle! You are a lesser warrior to Achilles Dash! You take orders from her!” The mare mayor screamed. “Wha- Okay forget it. Fine, Rainbow, what should I do?” “Um, what you just said...” Rainbow shrugged. “Good. Now, kill those Troy bastards and bring back our Princess,” The mayor smiled. “And gold. Lots of gold.” “Sister, it seems Spurta is on the path of war,” A lunar goddess dismissed, giving a slight chuckle. “I remember this war. Have we transcended time now?” “No my sister,” Celestia smiled. “This is something else. But am I correct in spying my faithful student on the Spurta warship?” “Indeed you are,” Luna smiled. “Well, this shall be most enjoyable. She is rather brilliant.” “Yes. I’ll get the popcorn ready,” Celestia smiled, and cantered off. Luna smiled and looked back to the sea, to watch this war- “AAAHHHH!!!!!” “Sister!?” Luna cried, rushing to the scream. “Where is it?!” Celestia demanded, looking around the room frantically. “Where?” “Where is what Tia?” “The damned microwave!” Celestia shouted, throwing open a low drawer to look inside. “The microwave?” “It’s gone,” Celestia panicked. “The coffee pot! Find it!” “Celestia, I do believe you are overreacting...” “I’m not over anything!” Celestia cried. “I just want my damned popcorn and coffee!” “Tia, it is alright,” Luna smiled. “There is no technology in this castle now. How are we supposed to enjoy our coffee? Or our popcorn? How am I to take a bath without my tunes?” “Tia, this is- Wait, no technology?” Luna stalled. “NOOO! My Computer!” “Alright you fillies! Line up!” Rainbow commanded of her troop, as the ship rocked and bobbed to Troy. “It’s time to learn how to fight!” “Do you even know how to fight?” Twilight asked her. “Details,” Rainbow dismissed. “Now, I saw this once in a ninja movie! You all need to become invisible...” “We’re doomed, aren’t we?” One of the troop asked hesitantly. “Eeyup.” “Fluttershy,” Rarity coaxed her friend, “Wake up my dear. We’re here now.” Sluggishly the yellow mare got out of her bed and allowed herself to be dressed up and brought onto the bow to see the great walled city of Troy looming before her. It was a magical sight, and readily took her breath away. “Oh my. What a lovely city,” Fluttershy smiled. “I know. Oh I can’t wait to see the inside,” Rarity sighed dreamily. “I bet it’s just loaded with crystals and gems and pearls.” Forty minutes later, the ship was docking, and a certain pony was making his presence on the beach well known. He waved politely to Rarity and smiled a very dashing smile for Fluttershy, making the shy mare blush. Fancypants was a good friend of Rarity’s, but she had never seen the old colt looking this... regal. This... Correct. “Hello my dears!” Fancypants called up to them. “How was your journey?” “Quite well old friend,” Rarity laughed as she trotted down the gangplank to the pony. “I thank you for getting her here safely Commander Raritus,” Fancypants bowed, and confused Rarity. “Commander? You mean I’m not royalty?” Rarity slowly asked. “My dear, you are my most trusted military leader. Your place is one of great honor at my right hoof,” Fancypants calmly replied. “But if you will excuse me, I need to show my love around her home.” “Your love?” Fluttershy asked. “That's you, Princess Fluttershy.” “Me?” Fluttershy squeaked, hearing that she was not just a princess now, but somepony’s love as well. “Yes, come my darling!” Fancypants smiled, “I want to show you to your new kingdom.” “Oh, my goodness,” Fluttershy gasped as she and Fancypants stood upon the balcony overlooking Troy. “It’s- I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my whole life.” “Yes, this city was quite marvelous,” Fancypants nodded. “Was?” “Well the city was sacked 1500 years ago my dear,” Fancypants chuckled. “I do not know how I’ve come to be here, or why, but I know this city is among the most beautiful of things I have ever seen.” “Yes... Yes it is,” Fluttershy nodded, looking back to the walled city with a feeling of dread. “Why was it sacked?” “Because we stole you,” Fancypants solemnly informed. “But after seeing your beauty, I do not care. I am proud to fight for a mare such as you, so kind and so gentle.” If Fluttershy had thought she was blushing before, she was unable to define this new level that stole her words away. She was never treated like this, at least not so willingly or boldly. Most colts in Ponyville knew to talk to her, they had to get through Rainbow Dash, and that was a mighty feat. “T-th-thank you...” She finally managed. “No my dear, thank you. You have saved this poor colt of Troy from a life of sorrow and loneliness.” “You’re welcome,” Fluttershy whispered. “My dear, I would love if you-” “Prince Fancypants!” Rarity cried, bursting into the room. “Ships! On the horizon! Spurta has begun their attack!” “Oh my. My dear, I do believe we will have to talk later, that I might get to know you better. But for now, our city needs guidance.” “Yes, of course. Oh I hope we can end this peacefully...” As the Spurtan ship drew nearer the city of Troy, a second ship came into view, and was within hailing distance, otherwise known as close enough for the pegasi on board to meet in the middle. “Sup Thunderlane,” Rainbow greeted. “You commanding your ship too?” “Naw. We Athenians listen to Commander Trixie,” Thunderlane rolled his eyes. “Really?!” “It was the only way to shut her up...” “I heard that!” A certain silver maned unicorn cried at them. “Shut up Trixie!” Twilight screamed back at her. “Hey!” Rainbow cried. “We’re here to fight Troy, not each other!” “She’s right, for now,” Trixie spat back. “But when we have taken over Troy, all shall know it was thanks solely to the Great and Powerful Trixie!” “Whatever, fine,” Twilight waved off. “I have a war to fight, I’m sure you understand.” “Oh Greeks,” The singsong voice of Rarity greeted them over the water, amplified by some magic or device. “I have a friend that would just love to meet you.” “Oh?” All the ponies asked together. “Oh my yes. So without further adu, Here Comes Tom!” Rarity cried as she kicked the release on the trebuchet, letting the weight drop and fling the huge bolder out to sea to greet them all. “For At-” Trixie began till she had her own face to face time with the incoming Tom, and was then simply not standing there anymore. “Okay,” Thunderlane nodded. “Now I’m commanding. For Athens!” “For Spurta!” Rainbow cried, and began the charge on the city, the arrows flying, the horns sounding. This was sure to be a great war. The ships dropped anchor, and the ponies hopped down into the water and began running ladders up the beach to the city, trying to penetrate the walls. The wise would have asked the pegasi to fly them over, but somehow that never occurred to both history or this fight. “Big Mac, Kick the wall!” Twilight ordered. “Caramel, give him cover!” “Miss Twilight, why do you want Mac to kick the wall?” Caramel asked. “Because he should either break through it or knock off the archers. Either way is good right now,” Twilight explained. She was in no mood to fight a long battle, hoping she was close to Rarity, and a chance to explain herself. “Can you do that Mac?” “Eeyup.” “Go to town then!” With a mighty kick, the walls of Troy shook, and several archers lost their balance. Another kick saw ten years of warfare in the future though, as Mac’s hooves shot straight through the wall, leaving him stuck. Twilight sighed, and decided to cut the story short by just teleporting into the city. She looked around, and was quickly treated to a sight for sore eyes. Rarity. “Twilight,” Rarity gasped as the lavender mare appeared. “Rarity,” Twilight gently replied, her vision filling with hearts. “Twilight.” Rarity growled. “Rarity?” “Twilight Sparkle! How Dare You!?” Rarity screamed as she threw herself at Twilight, magic flairing. “I can explain!” Twilight offered as she ran backwards from the white mare. “Please, I love you! I don’t want to fight you!” “Who gave you permission to love me?!” Rarity cried back. “I’m not into mares, damn it!” “Yeah, I know that! That’s wh-” Twilight was cut off by Rarity’s expert use of pillow warfare. “I’m coming Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash cried as she neared the tower of the Trojan castle. “My dear, I am afraid that pegasi is something we cannot defend ourselves from,” Fancypants kindly told Fluttershy as he hugged the shy mare. Fluttershy had never felt like this. It was wonderful, it was new. It was... right. “No! I will not be taken away by some jealous mare!” Fluttershy said, putting her hoof down. “Fancypants, follow my lead.” “Of course.” Fluttershy stepped over to the window, and had Fancypants get her a megaphone. She turned around and hiked her skirt up her flank a touch, and then unleashed her greatest weapon against Rainbow Dash. “Oh, it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all...” The words hit Dash, and all she could see from there on out was Fluttershy in her lion outfit. The words bounced around, and Dash fell victim to them. Nothing at all... Nothing at all... Nothing at all... “Stupid Sexy Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash cried as she lost control and crashed into a fruit stand in the streets. “So...” Twilight asked Rainbow as they sat outside the city now, covered in fruit pulp and feathers. “Not going into it Twilight.” “Fair enough.” “Achilles Dash, what should we do now?” Thunderlane asked, looking defeated. “Twilight, how did the story end?” “The Iliad or the war?” Twilight asked. “What’s the difference?” Rainbow scoffed. “We die in the Iliad,” Twilight spat a feather out. “... Okay then, the war...” “The Greeks faked surrender, gave the Trojans a giant fake wooden statue filled with warriors that at night slipped out, killed the guards, and opened the gates.” “I like that. Lets do that instead of the whole dying thing,” Rainbow nodded. “What? No. Rarity is on their side. We can’t kill Rarity!” Twilight protested. “It’s her or us Twilight. I know you dig her, but we gotta do this.” “Wait, why don’t we ask to meet with them politely? This is Fluttershy we’re talking about.” “That- That might work too... Thunderlane, you get started on the statue. Twilight and I will meet with the Trojans, try to work this out peacefully.” “This is not part of the story,” Rarity hissed to Fancypants as the guards showed in Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “They have learned to not trifle with Troy. If they wish to now talk peace, I shall hear them out.” “Yay,” Fluttershy squealed, happily sitting next to Fancypants. “Fluttershy? The hay is going on?” Rainbow asked, looking to her old friend. “I’m happy here Rainbow. Please.” “Rarity,” Twilight mewed again, much to the white mare’s rage. “Stop that. I’m still angry with you Twilight.” “Why? Because I had a crush I never acted on? That I never tried to present to you? I was happy to let Spike be in love with you. I just wanted you happy and I knew that would not be with me!” Twilight barked back. “Twilight, doing more damage than good here...” Rainbow interjected. “Well of course you would say that! But you still betrayed my trust Twilight” “How?!” “Why couldn’t you just step up and tell me this, so I could put your mind at ease by letting you down softly?!” “Like you did Spike?!” “That’s different, he’s just a child,” Rarity said, looking to the floor. “Maybe I could have said something to you, but I didn’t want to run the risk of losing a friend,” Twilight said. “Oh that’s a lie and you know it,” Rarity spat at Twilight. “How many times have you asked me to do a fitting for you? How many times have you asked me to do a girls night out, just us?! I can see you clearly now Twilight, now that you have shown your true colors. You’re just as infatuated as Spike, but at least he was brave enough to tell somepony. ” “Alright, so I’m not perfect, but I’ve been trying!” “Girls,” Fancypants interjected, worry in his voice. “What!?” They both asked, rounding on the colt. “Please, put down the furniture...” Both mares looked up to see they had been magically pulling all the furniture in the room together, pushing it back and forth. They set everything back down, both blushing and muttering apologies to the rest. “Um, I would like to speak now, if that’s alright with you all...” Fluttershy offered, blushing as well. “I like it here. Please, let me stay.” “Okay,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “What?!” Twilight barked, rounding on her friend. “That’s not the plan!” “Trust me,” Rainbow winked. “Alright troops, let’s- What the hay is that?” Rainbow began as she marched out of Troy, and laid eyes on what her army had built that night. “Do you like it? I call it Honest Abe!” One mare sang, bouncing up and down. “Lyra, right?” Twilight inquired. “Yep, that’s me,” Lyra smiled. “Is that... one of those human things you believe in?” Twilight asked. “Yep. This one was a really really cool one. He freed the slaves and fought vampires, I think,” Lyra nodded. “Why is it wearing a stovepipe hat?” Rainbow asked. “What other kind of hat goes with a beard that epic?” “Why is it sitting down?” Twilight asked. “To make room for us to ride in it!” Lyra snapped, getting hostile. “Why the hay would the-” “If you don’t like it, build your own damned statue!” Lyra screamed. “Twilight?” Rainbow asked. “I like it.” “It beats dying,” Twilight nodded as they readied for the morning sun. “Do they really expect for us to fall for this clear ruse?” Rarity asked the next morning as they looked at the statue. “I mean, really? It’s attorcious.” When she heard no sounds from inside, the white mare stepped back, honestly surprised. “Maybe it is what it seems after all...” Inside the honest Abe, two ponies held hooves tightly over Lyra’s mouth to keep her quiet, while the large structure was wheeled inside the city. The hard part was over, and now, to wait for night. As night fell, the trap door in the Honest Abe slid soundlessly open, as the first pony slipped out into Troy, and right into a trap. “Hello darling,” Rarity smiled. “It’s Caramel, no?” “Yes ma’am...” “Darling, this was a very nice try, but I too have read this story, and I knew Twilight would plan this. She is probably preparing a counter attack right now, which is why my army lies all over the city, waiting to greet her as she teleports in with all those ruffians.” “Wow...” Caramel said. “I know, but I have known Twilight for years now. This was too easy.” “And that’s why Rainbow Dash made the plan tonight,” Caramel nodded as the statue fell apart, revealing the entire force ready inside. “Oh horseshoes,” Rarity muttered. “Charge!” Rainbow called out, pointing to the castle. They all began to charge, as a confused home team had to reroute, and try to head them off. Hooves flew in the ensuing chaos. Manes were pulled, tails jerked, and snouts hits. All in all, it was no more bloody than the market on a Saturday morning. “Com’on!” Twilight rallied. “We’re almost there!” “Not so fast!” Rarity screamed, picking up a bow in her magic. She notched an arrow, and took aim at Twilight. “No hard feelings darling.” “If that’s what it takes...” Twilight smiled, trying to think of an escape. The arrow flew, and in a flash, Twilight saw her life go by. Huh, guess Rarity had a point about the dress fittings... In a blur, a certain mare threw herself in front of the arrow. “Not today!” Rainbow screamed as the arrow bounced off. “Huh. Hey Twilight, I am invincible!” Rainbow Dash turned to see the arrow that had bounced off of her was sticking out of Twilight’s flank, much to the anger of the lavender mare. “Really? You don’t say?” “Sorry...” “Just help me and pu-llll, whaa...?” Twilight began, then slurred as if drunk. “Twilight?” Rarity and Rainbow asked, stepping up to the mare, the war forgotten for now. “I’m so sorry Twilight,” Rarity began to stammer. “I didn’t want to shoot you, but I just couldn’t stop myself.” “It story write,” Twilight slurred incoherently. “What?” Rainbow Dash asked, confused. “It’s the story. I had to kill her by arrow...” Rarity remembered. “You lament her death, and then charge into your own final battle.” “But Twilight’s not dying. Is she?” Rainbow asked. “I be okey dokey loki,” Twilight smiled. “Twilight?” The two others asked. “Hello floor!” Twilight smiled, and fell face forward. “I’ll... avenge you, Twilight?” Rainbow asked to Twilight’s heavy snores. “Seriously, is she drunk?” “Magic cannot kill, but it can incapacitate,” Rarity smiled as she magically picked up a sword. “Now I have the odd desire to kill you too. Do know it’s nothing personal.” “What?” Rainbow laughed. “I'm impervious! Bring it dress maker!” She cried raising her hooves in defiance. But as luck would have it, she opened herself up to a stray arrow flying out and striking her in the left hoof. “Oh of bucking course...” The Spurtans rallied behind this, the loss of their two greatest heroes. Their war cries filled the now hollow feeling walls of Troy, as the city fell that night to the 17 ponies of Greece. Tory was again sacked and pillaged, as those 17 ponies let it burn to the ground. It was a war for the ages, but two ponies never saw it through. Two more, Fluttershy and Fancypants, refused to be torn apart, having just found love in each others embrace, so they made sure they would never be disturbed, as only a gentlecolt of Canterlot would. “What does a sock on the doorknob mean?” Carmel asked as they stood around in the tower. “I haven’t the slightest,” Rarity shrugged, making her last stand here and now. “Please do be quiet,” Fancypants shouted through the door. “My love Fluttershy is trying to sleep!” No pony spoke, as they all slowly backed away, leaving those two to the rest and privacy they all felt they deserved now. Slowly, the 17 marched out, their prisoner Rarity in tow, and the once glorious city of Troy destroyed. As the boats were prepared for the return voyage home, a crack of thunder sounded out, and the light of the sun came down to the beach, sliding away to reveal the two goddesses Celestia and Luna, and both looked none too happy. “I want my damned coffee and popcorn, right the buck now,” Celestia hissed to the group. “Wha-” Thunderlane began, but was cut off by Luna. “Hurry you foal! If we have missed our clan battle in TF2, there will be a thousand years of darkness!” “What?” Thunderlane stammered, fearing for his life now. “What coffee? What the hay is Tea Eph two? Why are you both yelling at me?” “Immortals have a hard time adjusting to loss,” One pony nodded, speaking for literally the first time since the invasion began. “They spend so much time getting used to a changing world, that they forget how to deal with the absence of said technology, and begin to panic over it.” “Aren't you the actor that plays Doctor Whooves?” Big Mac asked the pony in question, one Time Turner. “Yes, that’s me, hello.” Time smiled to the collective. “You had better knock that damned smile off your face, or I will,” Celestia growled. “It’ll be alright now your highness, all you have to do is send us home. Surely an Alicorn’s magic can free us from this story,” Rarity offered with a smile. “Yes! That’s it! Thank you Miss Rarity, when we get our computer back, we shall make a status update praising you greatly!” Luna smiled. “You will like my status, no?” “Your wh-” Rarity began. “Of course she will,” Time cut in, sliding in front of Rarity. “Just smile and nod.” “Here we go then!” Celestia smiled, practically able to smell her starbucks coffee as she summoned all of her strength to send everypony home. “Come along Miss Hooves,” The Doctor, or rather Time Turner, smiled as he ran down the street. “But Doctor, where are we?!” His lovely companion, Miss Derpy Hooves complained. “I haven’t the slightest,” The Doctor called back, “And that is why we shall find somepony with answers.” But as they rounded the corner, the feeling of hope that the Doctor naturally carried faded. “Doctor, is that-” Derpy began from his side. “Miss Twilight Sparkle as Shetland Holmes. Yes indeed it is Miss Hooves.” “Twilight,” Pinkie asked her friend. “What’s going on? Last I remember, I was partying with Spike and AJ?” “We are stuck again my dear Watson,” Twilight smiled. “Isn’t this wonderful? We get to live out a Shetland Holmes novel!” No Literature is Safe! Who's Next on the Chopping Block? You Decide!