Teardrops

by P3RROHAMBRE

Tear Drops

Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me!

These were the words I screamed, the words that I begged, but you couldn’t hear them.

Please! This isn’t fair!

But it wasn’t your choice for all this to be fair. Life is not meant to be fair. What happened to you wasn’t fair.

Don’t worry Twilight. There’s nothing to be scared of.

But I was. I was scared of losing you, scared to be alone, but it didn’t matter what I feared. Death came for you and took you without prejudice. It didn’t ask if you were ready and it didn’t care if your loved ones were ready.

It didn’t care if your own sister was ready.

And I wasn’t. I could never be ready. How could one ever be ready to lose their own brother? Did they read it in books or take classes to prepare themselves? Was death really something one could plan out and be ready for?

I have pondered this question ever since you passed away big brother. I know that one day all ponies must die, as this was the nature of things. We are born from the love of a stallion and mare and given to the Earth to enjoy and relish. We are born happy and with a mind that only wishes to learn everything that this world offers, though we later realize that we will never learn everything and we must take what we can get and be happy with it.

So what about you big brother?

When I watched you slip away from this life, when I watched you slip away from me, were you happy with your life despite it being cut so short? You were Captain of Celestia’s Royal Guard, a husband to a beautiful princess, and the best brother one could ask for; titles that were respected and what many would consider being happy with.

So why didn’t you look happy? Why was it when I looked into your eyes and watched the vibrant life out of them fade, you looked sad? Was there something missing, something that death may have robbed you of?

Just a few more minutes Shining. Stay with me a bit longer.

Time.

Just like me, you wanted more time. How do I know this? The way you held my hoof and how tightly you gripped it. I could feel how much you didn’t want to go and when you looked up at me, I could see you silently asking for forgiveness as if you did something wrong.

 I guess even to the end, you still held your title of brother to heart. You didn’t want to leave me; not again.

Do you remember that day big brother? Do you remember that promise you made when we had to leave and pursue our own hopes and dreams?

It was a bittersweet moment for both of us. We both had dreams and we were given the opportunity to make them into realities, which we did, but you and I both know it was also a reluctant decision. Pursuing our dreams also meant a sacrifice, a sacrifice that kept the both of us separated.

Did you hear me cry that night, the night before we began our lives? Did you know the pain that gripped my heart when I realized that I wouldn’t see my BBBFF everyday?

Did you share that pain?

Our parents viewed that day as a celebration and why wouldn’t they? Their children were going off to do something great in their lives but even they didn’t understand how we felt inside. They didn’t understand how close our bond was but we knew, and you made me a promise that set my young heart at ease.

Don’t worry Twily. Just because we may not see each other as much doesn't mean I’ll be gone. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.

You were my keeper, my shield, my rock to lean on, and my comfort. You held all this to heart and played your role well. When I needed help, you were there. When I needed protection from the evils of the world, big or small, you were there. When my heart was darkened by sadness, you were there to comfort me and take my tears.

So where are you now? What happened to that promise?

I cry for you and even beg Luna’s stars to somehow bring you back to me. Sadness and grief surround me but no matter how much I search, I already know that the small light amidst the darkness had been taken from me.

Why did you go big brother? Did you not hear me beg? Did you not hear me scream your name?

Where are you?

Why don’t I feel like you’re with me?

Twilight...

I hear your cries. I know the pain that surrounds your heart and mind and I’m sorry. This wasn’t something that I wanted, you know that right?

It saddens me to know that you're alone and but what saddens me even more is you, little sister.

You lock yourself away from ones who love you and more importantly, you lock yourself away from me. How can I let you know that I’m with you when you bury me under feelings of regret and guilt?

My death wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. It was something that we couldn’t control but don’t think for a minute that I wanted to leave. You have to believe me when I say that I tried, I tried my very hardest. I didn’t want to leave my wife, my friends, and more importantly, you. Why would I?

You were my sister, a sister that I adored more than you could even know.

But you are right about one thing. I was sad and it was because I didn’t want to leave you. I heard you cry and scream, begging me to stay with you and all I felt was sadness and guilt. I remember the promise I made you when we were smaller and I felt like I was breaking it, just like how I was breaking your heart as I slipped away.

Just a few more minutes Shining. Stay with me a bit longer.

And I did.

I can still feel your hoof gripping onto mine. I wanted to hold it longer but I knew that no matter what, I was always going to want a bit more time. I wanted minutes, hours, days, weeks, years.

But you and I both knew that wasn’t going to happen and when I looked into your eyes that were red with tears, all I could was ask inside if you could forgive me.

Forgive me for breaking my promise. Forgive me for not being stronger. Forgive me for leaving you.

There were so many things I wanted to do, so many things I wanted to see, but I wanted nothing more than to see you grow. I wanted to see you grow up and become that special mare that everypony would talk about. I wanted to be that best colt for when you found that special somepony. I wanted to see the good you would do this world and the many changes you would bring to it.

I wanted so much...

Do you remember that day big brother?

How could I forget Twilight? That day was the best and at the same time, worse thing that happened to me.

To both of us.

I heard you cry in your room. Hay, it’s what woke me up in the middle of the night, but know that I heard it all. I heard you whimper and I heard the words that you said in your solace.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with Shining.

Those words;I can’t describe the rush of emotions that ran through me. They were too intense for me to describe and all I did was go back into my room and fell to my knees. I cried and you know I wasn’t a stallion who liked to show tears but I couldn’t control it.

I also didn’t want to leave you but as you know, we had our dreams ,but I question now, after looking over the entirety of my short life, were they worth it?

Were they worth the sacrifice? Leaving you? Being separated?

It’s a question I still ask myself little sister but don’t think for a minute that because of my guilt, I made that promise.

No, I made that promise because I meant it. If you needed me, I would be there. If you called for me, I would answer. If you cried to me, I would wipe away your tears.

So here I am now Twilight.

Can you hear me?

Maybe you are with me.

Maybe you can hear all this.

So why can’t I hear you?

 I want to hear your voice again. I want to hear you say ‘Twily’ again. I want to know that my brother isn’t gone forever and I’m left alone with my broken heart. You are my BBBFF and that means forever big brother.

But how can it be forever when you’re not here beside me? How can I believe when Celestia, Luna, and my friends tell me that you will be with me when I can’t see you or touch you?

Oh how I long to have that hug from my big brother again. Have I ever told you how much I loved your hugs? I always felt safe when you held me and that the evils of this world couldn’t get to me as long as you were there.

But now I feel terrible. You were my shield but I failed to realize that the shield protects its wielder and takes the hits for them. How many times have you put yourself in danger for me? How many times did you take the ridicule that was meant for me?

How much did I put you through big brother?

Is this my punishment? My punishment for not being the sister that I should’ve been to you? You did so much for me but what did I do for you except bring my problems and tribulations?

Is this my fault?

Did death claim you to somehow teach me or show me how good of a brother I had? Did death make you suffer for my sins? To show me how terrible of a sister I was, being only concerned with myself and what I had to lose?

Are my tears payment for this?  

Can my teardrops somehow bring you back to me big brother? If I cry enough, will you come back?

Will you wipe these tears away and tell me their enough?

Is this what your grief has done to you little sister?  Has it consumed your heart and mind and trick you into believing all this?

Twilight, you were, you are, my sister. What I did for you was not because I had to but because I wanted to. I wanted to protect you from ones who only desired to hurt you and I was willing to take their hate instead of you being left alone to deal with it, just as I had to.

But why sell yourself so short?

You talk about being a terrible sister and that all you did was bring problems to me? Twilight, you brought more to me than just problems. You brought me a happiness in having a sister, in a mare that I could confide in and trust, without worry of judgement. You were far from a terrible sister and it hurts me to hear you say that.

I always felt safe when you held me and that the evils of this world couldn’t get to me as long as you were there.

It’s funny that you say this little sister. You view me as your protector and shield, which actually brings comfort to me, but what you don’t understand is that the reason I would hug you. Of course I would embrace you when you were having a bad day or when you just needed that love from a brother, but I also hugged you because when I held you, I felt safe.

Is this my punishment? My punishment for not being the sister that I should’ve been to you?

You mean the sister that came to my wedding, stopped a changeling invasion, and stopped me from marrying Chyrsaylis? You mean the sister that saved Equestria multiple times along with her friends? You mean the sister that helped my wife protect her kingdom against King Sombra?

How many brothers could say that their sisters did all that and more? Don’t view my death as a punishment Twilight. My death was going to come sooner or later and unfortunately, it came much sooner than we all wanted.

Than any of us wanted.

But don’t cry Twily. No amount of tears is bringing me back and I can’t bear to watch you spill them for me. Tears that I wished I had never caused.

Your teardrops; I can hear every one of them crash to the floor.

Please stop crying Twilight.

I miss you Shining Armor.

I miss my brother.

But I guess forever is not what it seems. I tried but I can’t feel you with me. I feel so alone and it kills me to know that the world keeps moving and life continues. It goes on day by day, acting as if nothing ever happened, acting as a life that was dearly loved was never lost.

Nothing will be the same for me brother.

Forgive me for acting this way as I know this would not be acceptable to you but I have nothing else I can do.

I’ll count my tears and see how many I get to before I fall asleep. Hopefully my dreams can bring me comfort and maybe I can see you again in my own fantasies.

But what will happen when I wake up?

I’m not sure if I want to anymore.

Good night dear brother.

When you fall asleep Twilight, I’ll count the tears that leave you when you slumber. Maybe your teardrops will hear me and tell you what I have said and then maybe we can finally talk one more time.

But until we do...

Good night Twily.