It began when I was very young – this dream of a steep cliff atop a peak most high with a glimmering, comforting, and shining sun hanging effortlessly above. It started out simple enough with me standing on the edge of that cliff looking out to that beautiful sun. I would stay there for the longest time, breathe in the atmosphere, and imagine a better life awaiting my return to the waking world. Believe me when I say that the sun seemed to offer every ounce of warmth and comfort I could ever need. Inevitably, I would decide to look down the cliff's steep edge. Why? Because I wanted the waters below to carry me away from a life filled with regret, despair, and wanton of love. When I did look down, I would get the urge to jump. It was subtle at first but grew as my desire for happiness was not provided in the waking world. This desire to jump wasn’t made out of sadness, anger, or regret. It was an idealist pursuit of happiness. I had ideas of ‘what if.’ What if I did it? What if I ended this? What would it be like? Would it hurt? Would I be missed? Nobody knew me anyways and nobody cared. So, why not? These thoughts consumed me for what seemed many slumberous hours. Then I would wake up to reality…my reality.
My life is nothing special. In fact, I’m nothing special. I never got a cutie mark. I just never had that special 'something' that every other pony had. Just too average I guess. It is like paying for failure even when one never actually failed at something. A simple case of the 'haves' and the 'have-nots.' Everything about me is ordinary and plain. The colors of my coat, mane, and eyes all match. What color was it? Does it matter? I don’t think it does. It doesn’t even matter if you knew what my gender is. By the time you’re done reading this, it won’t matter. You’ll forget all about me in due time and, the less you know, the better. For the more you know about me, the attachment will continue to keep me tied to the waking world.
I never knew my parents. They might have died or left me when I was young. I'll never know though. As time goes on, my mind refuses to remember whether or not I had parents. If I were see them now, would it be worth it? A simple apology wouldn't correct that pain nor would make anything better. The best course of action - as with most other events in my life - are best forgotten.
Well, without parents, I was raised in an orphanage. Being raised in an orphanage, I got as much love as a thirsty fox gets from a cactus. Sure, I had friends there but it came and went as time passed on in its unending march. Even when I had friendship, it was with those only willing to take what they can from others in order to justify their loneliness and solitude in a life most unforgiving. Nothing but painful upbringing could be had from that establishment. The only glimmer of hope is adulthood and escape. But is it worth it? Do things get easier as one gets older? The more things change, the more they stay the same. Yet, things only seem to worsen as time marches on. That was my young life. Could have been worse but not too great.
When I got older, I ventured out into the world with a new found freedom. It was this freedom where I could do what I always wanted...to a financial limit. But did I really have something I wanted to do? I couldn’t do anything special even if given the chance. So, does this freedom really matter to an average pony like me? It doesn’t. I made the most of it in working what jobs I could find. The jobs were nothing spectacular but they got me by. As soon as I got the chance with what little money I had, I decided to travel the world to see what the rest of Equestria was like but, when the inevitable seclusion happened, I simply moved to a new location hoping for something different. Let me clear something up. I'm not only the most average pony one would ever meet...I am also the most invisible. Nopony ever tried to know me, get close, or even go beyond a simple greeting. The strangest part is that nopony ever asked my name. I simply became an overly average pony nameless in the world's population.
The best experience I had in my travels around the world is when I visited Canterlot. Not because I met any ponies I could call a friend, but because I attended the Summer Sun Celebration. Queen Celestia has a knack for showing such amazing graceful flair that one could only open their mouths in awe. In raising the sun, she synchronously raised both wings and floated a few inches from the ground. This simple act showcased so much power and command of a celestial body, I simply watched and took in every detail of the splendid event. There came a moment when the sun was directly behind her that her mane had shone so brilliantly yellow as if she had momentarily changed hair color. Of course, I could only see her outline at this point, but the angelic and warm feel of this sight made the vivid imagery of my dreams more realized than ever before. It was so comforting! It is the happiest (well first of two) moments of my life.
You know how you come back from a long vacation with a sudden dread of an everyday routine? That is exactly how it felt as soon as I left Canterlot. The realization of my life came into full view at that very moment. Why am I alive? What was the point in me ever being born? I never accomplished much and had little use in improving this world. In fact, I never had friends that stuck with me longer than half a year. I could continue to travel but why? Why search for something never found when I had happiness in a single recurring dream?
It came to the point where I would talk to myself. It was the only pony that would listen anyways. But how can one have great and meaningful discussions with another who only knew and understood the same ideas? There's no growth in that. I continued to travel this way from place to place looking for something. What was I looking for? Was it another pony to talk to? I’ve met plenty of ponies so that was not a problem. I just felt like emptiness was calling me. Like the emptiness was a destination without a finish line. Any time I was alone, the emptiness of solitude would be my only friend. It is a friendship of nothing with nothing in everlasting nothing.
I liked my dreams better than my waking reality. The majestic view from on top that cliff was breathtaking and liberating. It felt like this is where I belonged. I could see our princess's outline in the shine of the sun with much comfort and warmth in her grace. It is like this was where I could find what I was seeking - happiness in liberation of waking reality's servitude. All I needed to do was take one or two steps forward and then…I would still wake up.
Travelling became less appealing to me after a while doing it. New 'sights' became common to a point where intrigue desires settlement instead of a roaming attitude. I found a nice calm village to stay for the time being. Of course, the feeling of seclusion came like times before but that was to be expected. Again, nopony took interest in me. None learned my name. None cared to share their secluded lives with mine. When it felt bad enough, I would venture outside the village to the edge of a nearby forest to my special tree.
There wasn't really anything special about the tree in particular. But that characteristic of ordinary I suppose is what made it special to me. Besides, when I talked, it would listen. Maybe that is all I needed. More and more I sat next to it and wasted the days away. Sometimes, I would talk to myself to strike up a conversation with the only pony I knew would listen. Sometimes, I decided to talk a few times to the tree to have a laugh at myself in hoping for a fruitful conversation. Then, one day, it spoke back.