In the starlight shone a light bright enough to illuminate the dark room, if even dully, for an entire eight hours. This light, so brilliant and full, shone through the window of a young boy, about 17 years old. It caused his eyes to twinge as he slowly found himself awakening at the sound of creaking wood coming from behind his bedroom door.
This light is called the moon.
Come on, time to wake up. His mind forcibly pushed him up and away from the plush pillow and into an upright position. With a prompt rubbing of the eyes and a stretch upwards, the boy swung his legs off the side of the bed and let his feet rest on the cold wood floor. As he yawned and attempted to adjust his eyes to the dull light of the moon, he turned his head and looked directly at the poster on his wall. Squinting didn't help its visibility, so he reached over to his nightstand and flicked on the lamp that stood proudly on its hem. The room flashed into visibility, but only for a split second before the boy squeezed his eyes and recoiled at the luminosity of the lamp. Cautiously letting his eyes open back up again, he allowed his pupils to dilate to the correct size before opening them to their furthest extent.
He looked at the poster again. Ah, yes! The poster he had hung there the day before. He read of the contents of the list. It was a list of all the qualities and traits he possessed.
"Looks like I am self-deprecating, awkward, socially inept, a nerd, witty when I want to be, passionate, and a total badass if I so feel to be one at any specific moment."
There were many more things on the list, but he decided to skip those things because he liked having very few, incomprehensible dimensions. As he skimmed through the list he reached a section named "Development" which only had the word "none" written on it.
"Huh, go figure," he said. "Oh."
The boys attention was drawn to the far corner of the poster, where large, bold letters that said "Name: Coolio Sundae"
Pulling back from the poster, the boy gave an approving nod. "I do enjoy the name Coolio Sundae, I wonder if my parents were on drugs when they named me."
He quickly wondered why he had to read his own name off the poster, but he shrugged that off.
Satisfied with what he had just haphazardly learned about himself, he flung himself off of the bed and began to walk toward the desk not too far off from his bed. He opened his laptop and waited for it to load.
"Stupid lag," he said aloud, even though he was alone in his bedroom.
When windows finally loaded, he instantly clicked on the Google Chrome icon which brought him to his homepage www.internetxplorersucksmajoreggs.com. From his homepage he navigated to www.supercoolpokemanforums.com where he looked to discuss his newest and upcoming team in the world of Pokemon and decide what his fellow fanatics opinions were on his decisions for a starter and special sweeper.
Unluckily, nobody was on the forums at the time. He quickly checked the time on his computer. It was four in the morning.
"Oh well, time for ponies," he said aloud once again, still alone in his bedroom.
He grabbed some cheetos from the top shelf of his desk and poured them all over his face instead of eating them in some sort of weird ritual.
From underneath the desk he groped around for a bottle of Sierra Fog to drink. It seemed, however, that he was out of seven liter bottles so he would have to settle for a two liter one.
"Note to self," he said,"Buy more soda."
On his internet browser he pulled up YouPipe and looked if any of his subscriptions had submitted any new videos. None of them had. He checked his favorite pony forum, EquestriaMonthly.
Rage mode.
Coolio Sundae ripped off his shirt, or at least tried to before simply struggling to pull it off his head, and ran out of his room flailing his arms and screaming.
"I am so bored," he yelled, waking his parents and sister. His sister stormed out of her room, her eyes squinted and her hair disheveled.
"Coolio what are you doing I am trying to sleep."
"They're making Twilight an acorn!" he yelled.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," screamed his sister. She proceeded to rip off her sleeping robe, revealing a t-shirt that she was wearing underneath that said "Pokemon and Ponies Rhyme"
The two of them proceeded to sprint downstairs chanting "HASBRO SUCKS!" in the loudest possible voices and flailing their arms. When they got to the kitchen Coolio went straight to the cabinet and found all the bags of cereal. He took each one and ripped it open, pouring the cereal all over the ground. His sister, whose name was Girl, ran over to the fridge and took out all the fruit. She then proceeded to smash each individual fruit with a hammer, claiming that "Hasbro is literally Hitler".
This gave Coolio an idea, so he rushed into the living room and grabbed the family TV, the pony giving machine. He smashed it, yelling "Take that Hitbro!"
Him and his sister proceed to jump up and down over the broken bits of TV chanting an ancient Greek hymn and letting their eyes roll back into their head.
Suddenly, their parents trudged into the room. The two siblings stopped their shenanigans and looked shamefacedly at their parents.
"What the fuck are you two adopted retards doing," said their dad.
"You don't accept us for who we are!" yelled Girl.
"You hate us for being different!" yelled Coolio, "But we're not different, we just like things, why can't we like things?"
"Whoa there, calm down. I just asked what was going on, why is the TV broken?" asked their dad.
"Hitbro is ruining EVERYTHING," yelled Coolio, "And you don't even care!"
Their dad took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm getting your mother."
He walked back upstairs and in a minute or two their mother descended.
"What is it this time?" she asked, her slippers on and a her robe tied around her waist.
"They're making Twilight into an acorn and there is nobody on the pokemon forum so we broke the TV," said Coolio.
Girl nodded in agreement. Their mother gave them a disappointed look. "You broke our TV over that?"
"OH MY GOSH," yelled Girl, "YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND!"
Coolio Sundae and Girl yelled out of the house screaming something about ponies and pokemon and Hitbro and acorns, not sure where they were going. All at once, Coolio Sundae stopped running and turned to face Girl.
"You know what," he said, "Why don't we go to Equestria?"
Girl looked at him. "How are we going to do that?" she asked.
"Math!" he yelled. Coolio furrowed his brow and concentrated ridiculously hard on math, numbers running through his mind. His face was flushed red and his arms began to shake. Holographic numbers started to pour out of his nose and ears and he began to ascend into the air.
"I like math," said Girl.
The boy continued to do math as he rose into the air, his eyes becoming nothing but white and his body spinning. As he spun his arms helicoptored around and his back began to arch backwards. His mouth unhinged and a small glowing orb formed in the center. Girl watched in disbelief at what was happening. All of a sudden, the white orb burst from the boys mouth as math reached its maximum capacity. The blast gave off an engulfing glow that swallowed the two siblings.
Everything flashed before them before disappearing into the blackness of his own consciousness. The last thing Coolio remembered was that the log of ten is one and math times math equals more math.
And then everything vanished.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ugghhhh."
Coolio rubbed his back, attempting to ease the pain. He felt as though he had hit the ground at a high speed, his back ached and he could barely push himself off of the ground. His hands...
His hands weren't hands. They were legs. He blinked and checked to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. He wasn't, they were indeed legs with hooves. He looked up at his unfamiliar surrounding. Something was off, everything was a little taller than it usually was.
He wasn't used to standing on all fours but he didn't question it. Weird things could happen when one mathed.
That's when he realized what had happened. He had mathed so hard that he had been transported across universes. The only problem was he didn't know what universe he was in.
He looked around at his surroundings. "Equestria."
No question about it, he could tell with ease. After years of studying he had remembered all the canon parts of the land and even started studying the fanon parts such as Las Pegasus. But if he was in Equestria that must have meant that he was a pony!
He used math to create a mirror simulator in front of him. His heart dropped, he wasn't a pony at all! He was a Pokemon, what the fuck was up with that? He instantly recognized that he was a Ponyta.
"WHAT IS THIS SHIT!" he yelled. Being a ponyta practically meant nothing now.
But if he was in Equestria, than surely his sister must have come along for the ride. He surveyed his immediate surrounding, and sure enough another pokemon laid not too far off, also in obvious pain. It was obviously his sister Girl, who had come with him.
She picked her dazed head off of the ground and rubbed it with a paw, releasing a long groan.
"Where are we?" she asked.
"Equestria," responded Coolio Sundae.
"How did we get here?" she asked.
"Maths."
"What the," said Girl. She looked at her paws. "What the hell is going on?"
"We're Pokemon!"
"How did we become Pokemon and why are we here?"
"We're massive Pokemon fans so that's kinda how it works, and we're also bronies so being in Equestria is pretty self-explanatory. I think I forgot to carry the two when I did math and that's how this happened."
"That makes sense," said Girl. "Which Pokemon am I?"
Coolio Sundae looked at her and used his knowledge vault to identify what she was.
"You're a Leafeon," he said.
"I'm a grass Pokemon?!" she yelled, "Grass Pokemon are fucking pussies."
"Hehe, make sure you don't get near me or you'll catch on fire."
"Wow you're a Ponyta, that's actually the first thing that makes sense right now."
"I know who would have thought that I'd be the one thing that's a pony and a Pokemon."
They slowly turned to face the audience.
"Welp, what are we going to do?" asked Girl, snapping back into the regular confinements of story-telling.
"We have to stop Twilight from becoming an acorn!"
"Great, let's go find her."
The two of them took off towards the tree library.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I really thought that the tree bark wouldn't be so flammable."
"And the books?"
"I didn't know books were made out of paper, do I look like I read?"
Coolio Mcsundae drew his hoof through the ground, drawing lines in the dirt while the police ponies wrote down his words.
"Yes, and why exactly were you at Miss Sparkle's house?" said one of them.
"I was just looking for her."
"Yes, right. Well, we're going to have to take you to prison until further notice, for now we'll classify it as arson."
"Oh my god, I swear I just lit the door on fire to get in because it was locked and that's IT. Everything else was an accident!"
"Right, tell it to the judge."
"Girl, help me out here!"
Girl's head popped out of the pile of ashes she was rolling around in. She shook off what stuck to her and hopped through the ash over to the police officers. They eyed her tentatively.
"You know this fool?"
"Yes, he's my brother."
"Right, now before we go any further what the hell are you two."
"I'm a type of animal that you've never seen before and so is he," said Girl, "We're from out of town."
"Out of town you say? Which town you from?"
"Shut the fuck up town," said Coolio Sundae, spraying fire from his mouth. The police officers' uniforms caught fire and they galloped away, screaming in agony, looking for water before they died of the burns.
"Coolio!" yelled Girl.
"YES! Burned those idiots, now their attacks are halved."
"You can't just light ponies on fire Coolio."
"I'll do what I like," said Coolio Sundae. "Look at them run around, I must of gotten a critical hit, looks like they're about to faint and it wasn't even super effective! At least, I think it wasn't super effective. What type are ponies?"
"Coolio, you lit them on fire, they're going to die now what the hell."
"Whatever, let's go find Twilight and save her from becoming an acorn."
"What about those police officers?"
"I'm sure there's a Pokemon center nearby where they can heal. Now come on let's go to Canterlot I bet we'll find Twilight there."
Girl hesitated, watching the two police officers run around, still on fire, and jump into a lake. Then she ran after Coolio, not wanting to see those officers ever again. They ran relatively fast towards Canterlot, leaving Ponyville behind them. As they tried to get used to moving on four legs they fell and stumbled often. Every time Coolio stumbled he lit another building on fire. By the time they were out of Ponyville the entire village was up in flames, the ponies standing outside trying to put it out, looking for the fiend who did the deed.
As they approached the "You Are Now Leaving Ponyville" sign, Girl looked back at the burning town.
"Coolio, you can't just light a town on fire and leave it like that."
"UGHHH, fine, I'll fix it." Coolio Sundae trotted back into the burning town and took a deep breath. He then began to spin around, the fire that made his mane and tail growing. As he spun, he opened his mouth and released a huge snake of fire that formed a tornado around him. With one final heave, he shifted the momentum of his spin into the release of his fire tornado and launched it toward the town. The massive pillar of spiraling fire ravaged the buildings that still stood. Everything was instantly burnt to a crisp, burned down in effigy and reduced to ash and dust.
"There, now it's all ash," he said, turning to face Girl. However, she had taken cover behind a nearby boulder. Assured that it was over, she jumped out from her hiding place.
"What about the ponies!"
"Don't worry they evacuated the town a long time ago."
"Okay then!"
The two of them pranced on their merry way towards Canterlot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Being a grass type is stupid."
"Haha, all your attacks are stupid and involve plants."
"Shut up."
The two siblings trekked through the final part of their journey, ascending a mountain that led into the regal city of Canterlot. The royal castle erected out of the far side of the city, overlooking the smaller buildings. It was a site to behold, and among it all the preparations for some sort of celebration were already showing themselves. Streamers and banners seemed to speckle the buildings.
"Come on, we have to hurry," said Coolio.
"I'm coming," said Girl, taking brisker steps. They quickly entered Canterlot, navigating their way through the stone buildings that Coolio couldn't burn down. Girl took extra precaution to keep him away from the curious bystanders, who were unsure of what exactly the two of them were. They made their way through the plazas and backstreets with relatively no problem, all the royal guards too busy at the big event going on at the castle.
A couple ponies approached them, inquisitive of what they were and from whence they came. Any time that happened Coolio Sundae simply burned off their mane and they generally left them alone.
"I'm so socially awkward, lol," said Coolio Sundae.
Finally, after trudging through the the commons of the city, the two Pokemon came across the more lavish areas, signaling that they were closing in on the castle.
More guards were present, however, making it more difficult to remain undetected.
"Screw stealth," said Coolio, sprinting out of the alleyway and into broad daylight. Reluctantly, Girl followed him out into the plaza directly outside the castle's entryway. They immediately took Coolio's mane and tail to be a threat and raised their spears.
"Coolio, what are you doing, you're going to get us both killed!" yelled Girl.
"Calm your shit I got this," he said. He cleared his throat and approached the guards confidently.
"We are here to see Twilight Sparkle, do you two know where she is."
"Nopony is allowed in without authorization, and neither of you freaks are on the list," said the guard.
Coolio Sundae nodded his head, pursing his lips while making a contemplative frown. "Alright."
He burst into rage, yelling something about acorns, and shot flames out of his mouth. Girl realized she had no choice but to help. She sprinted towards one of the guards and leaped into the air with a defined swing of her head. A leaf whipped off of her head, which seemed to materialize out of math, and spun towards the guard. It hit his chest and folded in, like all normal leaves would have.
Because this is the real world.
Girl realized that leaves were totally useless, so she started to do a little dance which required prancing around while hopping between sets of legs. Eventually, the sun shone a bit brighter. "All these moves are useless!" she yelled.
"Told ya," said Coolio, burning off the mane of one of the guards, "Grass Pokemon suck nuts."
"You suck nuts!" yelled Girl.
Cool breathed fire into the face of the remaining guard, melting his armor and burning his skin badly enough to have him curl up on the ground whimpering.
"We'll call that a faint," said Coolio Sundae. "Ouch."
"What?" asked Girl.
"Something's wrong, I feel weird."
"Oh shit, you must be evolving."
"What?"
"You gained enough experience to evolve into a Rapidash oh my god."
"WHAT!? But my EVs are all wrong, I didn't even have a macho brace on what the fuck. I don't wanna evolve, start mashing the B button."
"There is no B button!"
"Oh shit here it comes!" Coolio doubled over in pain as he felt his innards twist and grumble. It felt as though his entire body was shaking and convulsing. All at once, the pain was released. The immense relief that followed warranted a face that simulated an orgasm.
"Am I a Rapidash?" asked Coolio.
"No, you just took a really huge shit."
"Damn."
The two of them trotted into the castle.
There were no guards in the lobby, but they could here noise from a nearby room.
"That must be where it is happening," said Coolio Sundae. The two Pokemon slowly moved toward the massive doorway that led into what they could only assume was where the wedding was held. The loud voice of a pony came from inside.
"You ready?" said Coolio Sundae.
Girl was dead.
"Let's do it."
Coolio Sundae kicked open the door with his hind hooves, the wood splintered and cracked as it swung open. The entire room was filled with ponies, all of them staring at him. He walked into the room, all eyes on him, and looked whoever was in the front directly in the eyes. It was a black and red alicorn with a stupid mane style. His hoof was above Twilight Sparkle's head, which was adorned with a crown. In the center of the crown was a gem that looked like an acorn. The entire room was filled with dead silence, a silence so thick that it permeated the room and diffused into the outside air, making everything quieter.
The black and red alicorn broke the silence.
"Who are you?"
Coolio looked him dead in the eye. "I should ask you the same question."
Out of nowhere, a cutie mark for badassery appeared on Coolio's flank, even though he was a Pokemon. Sweet.
The alicorn looked at Coolio Sundae with pure hatred. "I think you know who I am."
Coolio's eyes widened, and his mouth opened to gasp but nothing happened.
"You're Hitbro..."
"What is your name, fool?"
"My name is Coolio Sundae, and I'm here to save Twilight."
"Save Twilight from what?" asked Hitbro.
"From your evil marketing clutches!" yelled Coolio Sundae. He sprinted forth, his mane in tail in full flame, his eyes burning with impassioned fury. In his heart beat the soul of a true fan.
Hitbro braced himself for impact, stamping his hooves on the ground and snorting. He galloped forth, lowering his head to let his horn stick out like a lance.
Coolio let out a stream of fire that engulfed the runway, but Hitbro used magic to form a shield that deflected the fire. Things weren't looking good.
At the last second, Coolio jumped over the head of Hitbro and did a double backflip in the air before landing a couple meters behind Hitbro. The alicorn skidded to a stop and turned, but it was already too late. Coolio was up next to Twilight. A flash of light engulfed Coolio Sundae, and all at once he evolved into a Rapidash.
"Sweet!" he yelled, marveling at his new form.
Hitbro galloped as fast as he could. Coolio looked around for anything that could help him. Then he saw Twilight.
"Hey Hitbro, you know what my favorite part about unicorns is?"
"What?" asked Hitbro, still galloping.
"The STAB."
Coolio Sundae jumped behind Twilight and thrust her forward with his front hooves. Hitbro looked confused, but it was too late for him to react. Twilight slammed horn first into Hitbro, impaling him in the heart. She was just short enough to avoid being impaled herself. Disgusted and fearful, Twilight pulled herself out of the bleeding Hitbro and galloped out of the room.
"I'm free!" she screamed. A tear rolled down Coolio Sundae's cheek. He had saved Twilight from becoming an acorn.
Hitbro coughed blood onto the regal carpet, trying to croak out words.
"How is that possible?" he coughed.
Coolio smirked and looked down at the dying alicorn.
"I'm a unicorn, too," he said.
Hitbro's eyes widened.
"And now," said Coolio, "Twilight isn't going to become an acorn."
"But, but the toys..." Hitbro struggled to talk.
"It's all over, no more acorns," said Coolio.
The realization hit Hitbro like a ton of bricks and he died right there on the floor. The ponies in the room all fearfully watched from the pews. Coolio Sundae stood triumphantly over the body of Hitbro, a tear running down his cheek.
"Gotta catch em all."
He galloped out of the room, leaving a trail of fire behind him. His eyes were watering, tears dripping off his face faster and faster.
"Gotta catch em all," he repeated.
He quickly exited the castle, galloping faster and faster, his mind racing. He didn't know where he was going but he couldn't stop. Everything was spinning and blurry. Coolio could barely keep consciousness, but his hooves kept on moving. His eyes started to close, his vision becoming blurrier and blurrier. All at once, he collapsed on the ground. It was too late.
There were no Pokemon centers around. He didn't understand, he hadn't lost a single bit of health. Why was this happening?
That's when he realized.
He had been poisoned the entire time.