//------------------------------//
// Howlin' at the Moon 
// Story: Reformed Romanticism 
// by ice_dancer_92 
//------------------------------//

Reformed Romanticism

Chapter One: Howlin' at the Moon

I slowly made my way around the all-too-familiar castle, re-learning every inch of stone and tile and glass. Things had changed so much since that throne was mine, and yet things had stayed so much the same. Tch, isn't that just like a creature of Order to... no. I mustn't think like that anymore. I'm not that creature anymore. I can't be. My... friends would be upset. I can't disappoint them now. 

I shook myself out of my thoughts and kept floating around, noting with a pang of regret how the royal guards stationed around the castle kept their wary and somewhat suspicious eyes on me as I passed by them. They stared at me as I flew through the castle, as if waiting for me to screw something up so they have a valid excuse to openly hate and revile me. Their stares burned. It felt like a thousand white-hot needles in my heart. I averted my gaze from them, but I could still feel their cold eyes on me.  It felt horrible. I hadn't felt like this since.... Stop that train of thought right now, you. Don't go back there. It won't end well. 

I chastised the voice in my head and told it to shut up. Why? Why should we stop? You want to remember? Go ahead and remember! 

And suddenly all those memories came flooding back to me, memories I thought I had gotten rid of long ago. The suddenness of them was so paralyzing that I fell to the cobblestone floor of the castle, my wings wrapped tightly to my sides, unable to open and take flight. 

'I... I've been watching you for a while, and I--'

'You've been WHAT?'

'I-I-I'm sorry! I just think that you're so, so beautiful, and--'

'Get away from me, you horrible creature! I'll have nothing to do with a stalker, let alone a lumbering mix-and-match monster like you! I'm a Princess, not a common whore!'

My legs turned to jelly beneath me, and I stumbled backwards against something hard and low to the ground, tripping me up and sending my limbs flailing for grip onto nothingness. My head impacted solid stone, and then the world went black. 

I awoke to the throbbing, stinging sensation in my skull, and the odd soothing feeling of the wound being dressed by gentle means. I blinked and groaned until my vision came into focus. 

“Wha...What?” I muttered. “What happened?” 

“A few of the guards found you collapsed against the base of my throne, bleeding from the head. You were unconscious. Are you alright, Discord?” 

Her voice was like fresh fallen snow in winter, scented with the sweet lavender-berries of the summer harvest. It sent a chill down my serpentine spine. 

“I'm... fine.” I answered thickly. It felt like my mouth and throat were filled with cotton. “Never better.” 

“Discord, you and I both know you're a terrible liar.” 

“I'm also terrible at a few other things, too. Why should this be any different?” I answered darkly, managing somehow to force my upper body back upright. But as soon as I did, a wave of lightheadedness and nausea overcame me, and I collapsed back down into a crumpled heap on the bed. 

“No, no, no, Discord. Don't try to get up now. You took a nasty blow to the head earlier. I don't want you to do permanent damage to yourself on my account.” 

“You used to want that, once.” I blurted, almost stupidly. 

“W-What?” 

“You don't remember? Surprising. I remember it clearly. You throwing my bouquet to the ground, kicking me down alongside it, and telling me that I was nothing more than a monster to you. You had such malice in your voice back then. I wonder... where did all that hate go?” I said sarcastically, glaring daggers at the princess who had spurned me so long ago. 

Celestia blinked at me, surprised at my outburst. “That was a long time ago, Discord, and I don't feel the same way I did back then--” 

“--It doesn't seem that long to me--” I interrupted.

“--It was thousands of years ago, I've grown since then--”

“--Well, maybe I haven't.” I growled cryptically, before managing to force the lightheaded feeling and the nausea back by sheer force of will as I got up and wobbled away, nursing my injured cranium with my paw. 

“...Discord...” I faintly heard her whisper as I left. I flicked the bedroom door shut with my tail, slamming it and shutting the dejected Princess inside. 

'Leave me alone! I thought I made it clear I did not wish to associate with such a beast as you.'

'Please, let me explain myself, I just--'

'Leave, now! Or I call the guards! I don't know how to make it any clearer than that! I. Do. Not. Like. You!'

'But why? Why am I so detestable?'

'You're nothing but a monster. You're below me in every way.'

Almost immediately, I fell to my knees with my paw over my mouth, trying desperately not to vomit. It felt as if all my innards were trying to escape through my mouth. My vision went blurry, and I managed to drag myself to a restroom through sheer muscle memory. 

Retching up everything I'd eaten in the last thousand years, I clamped my mismatched palms to my skull and tried to get the horrific burning in my skull to subside. A thousand burning nails in my skull... I was definitely concussed, and apparently badly. 

Through the haze of suffering, I could barely make out the faint clip-clop of golden hooves on the cobblestones, and the last thing I saw before passing out again was the shimmering pastel shades of sunshine hovering over my eyes as Celestia bent her head to mine. 

Awaking once more in the bedroom I had left earlier in a huff, I sighed in defeat. “Are you going to listen and stay put this time, Discord?” 

“Fine, Celestia, you royal brat. You win. I'm too exhausted to argue. Are you happy? You've pinned me into a corner again. Aren't you pleased with yourself?” I spat, wisps of smoke beginning to waft from my nostrils. 

“I take no pleasure in seeing my friends in pain.” Celestia answered simply. “That doesn't even make sense, Discord.”
“What's the fun in making sense?” I snapped spitefully. “And since when have I ever been your friend? From my recollection, you've never seen me as anything less than a nuisance. Nothing more than a villain.” 

“What is wrong with you, Discord? This isn't the Discord I remember. I remember a soul full of mischief and half-baked schemes of merriment in chaos. What's happened to you to make you so dour?” Celestia asked me, silky concern in her voice. 

I relented inwardly that she was right. This wasn't me. This was the Discord still reeling from having his heart shattered into pieces, all those eons ago. Where did all this sorrow come from? 

I sighed and tried to think of something happier, something less traumatic. 

Fluttershy. Fluttershy befriended me when no one else ever had. She took me into her home and showed me that I am worth something more than chaos and disharmony. I could be something more. She gave me the faith and the hope I needed to reform myself and give myself a higher purpose in life. She was dearer to me than anyone, and maybe that thought terrified me a little. Me, Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, was absolutely petrified by the thought that I had let someone so close to me, and that someone had wormed their way into my chaotic, stony, ancient heart and tugged at the strings until I bent to their will like a dog broken by my master. 

I think what was more terrifying, however, was the fact that I did not object to being under Fluttershy's thumb. I wanted to make her proud of me. I wanted to be owned. I wanted to be taken and controlled. I had never wanted anything like that before. That was the most frightening aspect of it all, and part of me wondered if Fluttershy knew that, or if she at all understood why I felt the way I did. I hoped she knew, because I certainly couldn't figure it out.

“...Fluttershy...” I accidentally mumbled out loud. Celestia's attention was caught and she turned her sparkling eye towards me. 

“What was that?” She asked. “Did you say something, Discord?” 

“....I want to see Fluttershy.” I stated, a hot flush filling my cheeks as I deliberately avoided Celestia's gaze. Just hearing myself say Fluttershy's name sent a strange heat coursing into the pit of my stomach. 

“Fluttershy? Where did this come from, Discord?” Celestia asked. 

“It... It's nothing, I just want to talk to my friend, is that so strange? You're the one that's always preaching about the magic of friendship. Well, I want to practice that magic. I'm going to go see Fluttershy.” I tried to get up from the bed, but was gently coaxed back down by Celestia's golden-clad hoof. 

“You're not going anywhere until you recover from your concussion, Discord. You nearly bashed your own brains out. I'll ask Twilight Sparkle to send Fluttershy here.” Celestia compromised, as she magically levitated a quill and a scroll of parchment towards her. 

My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle

Things are going a bit rocky with Discord. He's been suffering recently from frequent bouts of dizziness and one of these dizzy spells sent him careening into the base of my throne and caused a nasty concussion. I have him strictly on bed rest until he recovers, but he's requested a visit from your friend Fluttershy. He's actually being fairly defensive about the matter, but he's too injured to be any sort of danger, so I've decided to grant his request and ask you to send Fluttershy along to say hello and maybe try to help nurse him back to health. Granted, Discord isn't exactly a small forest creature, but Fluttershy should still be able to at least lift Discord's recent dour mood. If she's available, please send her along. 

Sincerely, Princess Celestia

PS) See if Fluttershy can get any information out of him about his recent dizzy spells.  I can't seem to pinpoint where they're coming from, but I believe they're psychological somehow. 

Celestia sent the letter off and waited for a response. A letter born in green flame burst out of the air about half an hour later. Half an hour of awkward, uncomfortable silence I'll be happy to never get back. 

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fluttershy's excited at the prospect of coming to Canterlot to see Discord. She'll be along in an hour or so, once she's done with feeding her chickens and I'm able to teleport her to the gate. It's faster than the train. I've asked her about getting the info out of Discord, and she says she'll do what she can but there are no guarantees. As much as I don't like him, I hope Discord will be okay. That sounded like a nasty injury you were talking about, and even a being of chaos and disharmony isn't immune to a blow to the head. 

Your loyal subject, Twilight 

“Fluttershy's very timid.” I noted. “There's no way she'll get past the guards at the gate. All they have to do is look at her sideways and she'll take off running.” 

“I know. I'll see her in myself. You are to stay put, Discord. Don't go wandering away. You're injured and you need your rest. Do you understand me?” Celestia commanded. 

I huffed, but her logic was infallible. “Fine. I'll be here.” 

“Good. I'll see you in a bit.” Celestia stood up and walked out the door. 

Almost immediately, my vision blurred and another nasty little flashback forced its poison thorns into my skull. 

'You've committed unspeakable crimes, Discord, and for that you must be punished.'

'You nasty little whelp! You were just waiting for an excuse to use your shiny little Elements on me, weren't you?'

'In the name of noble Equestria, we call upon thee, the Elements of Harmony!' 

'No! No! My chaos! MY BEAUTIFUL CHAOS! Stop! Aaaaaahhhhhh...!!!!!!'

I thrashed and screamed in the bed, my tail lashing out wildly around me. In the throes of my nightmare, I didn't hear the door to my resting place open once more. 

However, I felt my powerful, sharp-scale-coated tail strike a soft object, and I heard the scream that ensued. 

“Discord! Stop! Discord, calm down! Fluttershy! Fluttershy, are you alright?” I vaguely heard Celestia shout, though it sounded as though her voice was through water. 

Slowly my vision and my senses returned and my tail stopped moving. I looked to the side, and there was my Fluttershy, shivering and crying on her knees, bleeding on the tile floor. 

“Oh... Oh, my.... I-I-I....” I couldn't even speak. The heat in my stomach froze into ice in my veins. “I'm so sorry.” I managed to choke out. “Fluttershy, I-I-I never meant to bring harm to you--” 

Fluttershy lifted her graceful head. She was still sniffling and tears were still flowing down her face, and one of her soft, pale cheeks was marred with a nasty gash that was oozing blood down her neck. “It... It's okay, Discord.... I know you... sniff.... I know you didn't mean it....” she squeaked, though she didn't sound very convincing. 

“I... I honestly... I don't know what just happened.... I can't control myself anymore!” I was almost crying myself at the sight of my dear Fluttershy curled in a ball and injured from what I had done. “Celestia, help me!” 

Celestia was stunned into silence. I had asked for help. Begged her for help. “I... I don't know what I can do.” She finally half-rasped. 

“Celestia, the flashbacks are doing this! I'm not just getting dizzy and falling down! I'm paralyzed by the visions in my head! Visions of what I've done in the past! They're blinding me! I can't control my body! Help me!” I pleaded, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. When Celestia did nothing but stammer for a moment, I cried out in frustration and dragged myself to the floor, slithering towards my dear Fluttershy. 

She squealed in fear of my touch. It very nearly broke my heart. “Shh... Shh, Fluttershy, I won't hurt you again. I swear to you, I won't hurt you again. Please, let me help you. Let me... Let me help you.” I sniffled, and she looked into my eyes. Hers were shimmering with fresh tears, but I knew she saw the sincerity in mine. She crawled towards me and nestled herself in the crook of my lion's arm. I held her there, consoling her, and wrapped my serpentine body around her in a ring of anguish. The ice in my veins burned once more and shot towards my stomach. 

It was sickening, but in a way, wonderful. I couldn't tell if I wanted to throw up or not. I ran my claw gently over each of Fluttershy's wounds, and my innate chaotic magic bent to my will. Each gash and bruise closed before my eyes, healing her by reversing time's clock onto those particular areas. I can do that, you know. I can manipulate the fabric of time. It's an agent of Chaos' duty. 

“Shh, shh, it's okay, Fluttershy. It's alright. I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry.” I kept chanting, as Fluttershy's whimpers of pain reached my powerful ancient ears. 

Celestia stood in stunned silence, observing. I couldn't hear her thoughts, but I'm sure she was wondering what in the name of Chaos brought all this caring, kindness, and regret to my voice as I tended to my only true friend, to whom I had unwittingly and selfishly given her wounds. 

Fluttershy looked at herself, and then looked at me. “Thank you, Discord...” she whispered in her sweet half-voice. 

“No. No, don't thank me.... I was the one who hurt you...” I protested.

“But you did the right thing and made it right again. I knew I could trust you, Discord. You're such a good friend.” She nuzzled her uninjured cheek into my furry side. I couldn't heal the gash on the other cheek, as my time-reversal powers would have done catastrophic things to the skull under the skin. On the flesh of her body, my powers were muffled by her muscular structure, and so I didn't accidentally turn back time on her limbs and turn her legs into a foal's tottering limbs by accident. But on her skull, where the muscles are much smaller and the bone is so much closer to the surface, I would have ended up erasing parts of her brain. As funny as it would have been to me in the past, the thought of doing such a terrible thing to Fluttershy made me feel sick. Instead, I stroked her mane softly, and I smiled into her hair. 

“A good friend.” I laughed softly. “I wish I could call myself that, my dear.”

“Oh, but you are.” She stressed. “A good friend always helps others heal. A good friend soothes the pain of a friend in need. You acted out of a friend's instinct, not out of selfishness. That's what a good friend does. But do you know what a best friend does?” She asked me.

“Well, no. I don't. What does a best friend do, Fluttershy?” I responded, and she smiled her winning little smile at me.

“A best friend gets himself back into bed so Nurse Fluttershy can take a look at that bump on his noggin.” Fluttershy said, with a giggle in her tone. 

Fluttershy had called me her best friend. I never had a best friend before. And like I mentioned, I loved the feeling. I lusted for the sensation of having Fluttershy own me and my emotions like I was a pet. I couldn't explain the feeling. I still can't. A being of Chaos is simply not meant to be in a cage. It didn't make any sense.

Then again, what's the fun in making sense?

I did as Fluttershy asked and crawled back into bed, and Fluttershy opened her creamy wings and floated up to sit beside me. I scuffled over to make room.

Celestia's serene smile told me that she finally trusted me enough to get back to her royal duties. I nodded curtly at her, and she returned the nod before walking out of the room. 

I felt my vision blur again, and a headache begin to form, but unlike all the other times Celestia had been out of eyeshot, the flashbacks stayed thankfully at bay. Maybe it was the sound of Fluttershy softly humming a sweet lullaby as she undressed my head wound. 

“Oh, goodness, Discord. You really did give yourself quite the nasty bump. Are you sure you shouldn't see a doctor for that?”

I sighed. “Pony doctors can heal pony injuries. I doubt any regular doctor would be able to do much for a lumbering mismatched monster like me.” 

“You're not a monster.” Fluttershy said confusedly. “Why would you call yourself that? I don't think you're a monster at all.” 

“Well, you'd be the first.” I shot back, a bit more harshly than I intended to. Fluttershy flinched a little, and I immediately felt the sharp pang of regret hit me right in the heart. 

“Maybe I am the first... but that's okay. All you need is one best friend that thinks you're wonderful. I'm lucky enough to have lots of friends, and I'm happy as can be. But I'm willing to be your best friend, if you'll let me. I mean, if that's okay...” Fluttershy trailed off.

“Okay? Dear, it's more than okay. I've never had a best friend. If I could get out of bed, I'd leap for joy at the chance.” I responded. 

“Speaking of getting out of bed, let me take a look at that bump again. I brought along a few herbal remedies that I think will help it heal up wonderfully.” Fluttershy floated down to her bag and came back up with a jar of something slimy and green held in her mouth. It looked like lime-flavored gelatin that had been sitting out in the sun. 

Fluttershy opened the jar and applied some of the slimy green goop to the throbbing hole in the back of my head, and almost at once I felt a wash of relief as the cooling liquid seeped into my flesh and eased my headache. 

“There. Let me wrap you back up again. That's a remedy designed to heal things like that in a day or so, but I've only ever used it on small forest creatures. It might take longer on you. I hope that's okay.” 

“It's perfect, dear. Gives me more time to talk to you without my head feeling like, well, like I've whacked it on a solid object.” I laughed a little and squirmed as the jelly felt squishy and odd underneath the bandage. Fluttershy giggled along with me, and the sound of her laughter sent the flame settling in my gut to roar into new life, setting all my nerve endings alight with some sort of joyful tingling sensation I hadn't felt in eons. I'd forgotten emotions could be this... intoxicating.  

Suddenly, as if my limbs acted on their own, I grabbed Fluttershy from mid-air and held her close to me. The force of my grab had her squealing in shock until she was pressed against my breast, where she relaxed into my embrace. She mumbled something I couldn't quite make out into my skin, which kind of sounded like “Mess sends an undertaker”, but that didn't make any sense to me.

Then again, as I've said before... What's the fun in making sense?