Chapter Nine: Return of the Master
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"YOU AGAIN!!!"
"Uh. We're clearly missing something." Rainbow Dash said, in a rare moment of clarity.
"Yes, do explain how you know the progenitor of the Diamond Dog race." Luna concurred.
"This is The Master. He was the leader of a massive army of super mutants that went around killing or kidnapping ino- well mostly innocent, wastelanders and either eating them or turning them into more super mutants."
"I-is this true?" Sharqua asked.
"Yes. But I have changed my ways and only wish help purge the world of all evil." The Master told her.
"Or maybe it had something to do with me shooting you six dozen times with a YK-42B Pulse Rifle in the head."
"That had a small part in my decision and next time, try using something that wasn't designed to destroy robots in one shot against an organic target."
"And hos was I supposed to think clearly at the time? I recall you dropping a building on me."
"Oh right, that. Let's just call a truce and discuss what I had you brought here for."
"Go for it." Bassicus said, whilst Luna, Rainbow Dash, and Sharqua watched from the side lines.
"As you know, Princess Celestia is a ruthless tyrant. She attempted to imprison me when I arrived here eight hundred years ago, and use my knowledge to enslave the planet. After an intense mental battle, I retreated deep under ground. Where I have been bidding my time and guiding a race into glory. But now that the Champion of Change is here, I can finally put my plan into action. You have the full cooperation of the Gemlord Empire, Bassicus."
"How am I a champion of Change?" Bassicus questioned, honestly confused by how a sub-hero could be anymore than a companion.
"Whenever there has been major change, you've been there. Whenever there's been a settlement or fledgeling country in need, you've been there to help and guide them to a better future. You are, for all intents and purposes, a Champion of Change."
"That sorta makes sense, but you're forgetting the part where someone dropped the better part of a mountain on me, which resulted in me thinking I was a raider for ten years."
"That happened after you defeated me."
"Yes, like right after I defeated you."
"I see, but regardless of atrocities commited whilst not in the right state of mind-"
"They called me the Faceless Terror."
"-I shall give you a full engineering corps to help you with your endeavours, as well as a full battalion of soldiers to provide security for your place of residence."
"Sweet. Anything else?"
"Yes, just the one. Are you hungry?"
"Funny thing, I don't REALLY need to eat, unless I'm outta stimpacks or healing powder."
"Ah, the powers of a Champion of Change."
"No. The aliens that abducted me did some weird shit and now manyu things that are vital for survival are optional for me. Fucking annoying if you ask me."
"I see. Your friends must be hungry, am I right?"
"Starving." Rainbow Dash egoed.
"I'm feeling a bit peckish." Luna agreed.
"Then I shall have Sharqua here escort you to the finest resturant in the city. You can go along too Bassicus, or you can accompany Sharqua's daughters on a shopping... trip... He can move really fast when he wants to." The Master said, completely amazed at how Bassicus broke the land speed record to not have to go shopping with some women. And he couldn't agree more with his reasoning. What ever it was.
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"Wow, if Rarity could see this." Rainbow Dash said, taking in the site of the city around them.
"I don't really think the Diamond Dogs would stand a chance against her tidal wave of fashion designs." Luna shuddered, thinking of what unholy abmoinations Rarity would blind with her dresses should she ever come here.
"Who's this Rarity you're talking about?" Sharqua asked.
"She's just a fashion designer that lives in Ponyville." Rainbow Dash told her, completely missing the fact that all the Diamond Dogs wore clothes.
"I see. I'd very much like to see her designs." Sharqua said, completely catching Luna and Rainbow off guard.
"Okay?"
"What? I'm into fashion." Sharqua defended.
"So, moving on. What's on the menu?" Luna asked, changing the topic to the best of her abilities.
"There's both vegetable and meat based dishes, I'll just get you a menu with solely vegetable dishes on it." Sharqua said, leaving the duo to idly chat with each other.
"So... How's life as a princess?" Rainbow Dash asked, trying to breakthe awkward silence.
"It's okay, would be better if celestia wasn't constantly draining my magical energy to help fuel her own."
"I see. But can''t you just, I don't know, tell her to buck off and go to the birthplace of ponies?" Rainbow asked, posing a valid point.
"... Why didn't I think of that?" Luna asked, a slightly saddened look on her face.
"Oh cheer up! I'm sure you would've thought of it, I mean it's not like she was repressing your re will or anything." Rainbow Guffawed.
"Actually she was. Bassicus' presense must've blocked her mind control magic long enough for me to make a get away and exit it's effective range."
"Uh... In Equestrian?" Rainbow asked.
"He allowed me to escape from celestias torture and become a free mare again."
"I see... Uh, um." Rainbow Dash struggled for another topic of conversation that is, until Luna leaned across the table and kissed her. "WHOA! I don't go that way princess, sorry." Rainbow dash exclaimed whilst pulling away from the princesses lips, a slight blush on her cheeks.
"Oh, I just thought, that you were into mares with the way you act." Luna said, slightly dissapointed.
"And that's my cue to make myself known." Bassicus said as he walked up to the duo. "How's everything been?" He asked in a cheerful and knowing mood.
"How long have you been standing there?" Luna asked, blushing.
"Long enough to know you have the hots for Rainbow." He said with a sly grin.
"If you tell anypony, I'll gut you like a fish." Luna threatened him.
"Remember like five hours ago? Remember how I got us out of that Ursa Major?" Bassicus reminded her.
"Touche. But in another six months, I'll be able to rip you limb from limb."
"Uh no, no you won't. I shold know, the Great Khans tried it once. My joints are still popping even to this day." Luna looked disgusted at the mention of popping joints, whereas Rainbow Dash looked on with a glint in her eye and a look on her face.
"You should totally tell me about some of your awesome adventures, Bassicus." Rainbow Dash suggested trying, and succeeding, to hide her true intentions.
"Sure. How's about when we stop in at a hotel for the night?" He asked.
"Sweet!" Rainbow cheered, at that moment Sharqua returned.
"I've missed some important context, haven't I?" She asked, taking in the scence of a blushing alicorn and an on-the-verge-of-squeeing pegasus.
"I'll let Luna fill you in later." Bassicus dismissed.
"Okay, well I've got the menus." She said as she handed Luna and Rainbow each a green menu. "And I guess you can order from mine if you want." She told Bassicus.
"I'll take a Manticore steak, some chips, not hay, and whatever cola like soft drinks this place offers."
"This is a five star resturant, I doubt they'd have soft drinks."
"Oi, waiter! This place serve soft drinks?" He called to a waiter at the next table.
"Yes, we serve soft drinks. But only because rumor has it that you knew the Alpha before he came to our lands."
"You were saying, Sharqua?" He said, with a look of victory on his face.
"It's only because you have history with the Alpha." She growled, before placing her order with the waiter, Luna and Raibow following suit.
"I'll have a salad and a vegetable lasange." Luna placed her order.
"And I'll have a... I'll jus, uh. I'll just have some hay fries." Rainbow Dash sheepishly said, mainly due to having never ordered anything more than fast food.
"Certainly." The waiter said.
"So." Bassicus said.
"Wanna talk about your past?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Since we have nothing better to do. Sure why not." Bassicus said. "It all begins one summer back in 2049, a young couple-"
"I think she meant your adventures, not your entire life story. Which I'm still not sure how you could remember that far back to."
"Oh, okay. It all started back in 2074, I was minding my own business, reading my old comics. When I was surrounded by a beam of light, next thing I knew, I was on an operating table surrounded by little green things. After that, everything until 2087 became a blur. But in 2087-"
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"... Die you alien bastards!" Bassicus shouted, gunning down every alien he saw with his stolen Blaster Rifle.
"Hurry up Bassicus! We're dying to get some revenge on these alien commies!" An american military police member yelled from his cell.
"I just need to figure out these controls. It's not like I can read alien!" He called back, before taking a look at the consoles, which had suddenly translated themselves to english. "Uh, disregard that last part! I guess I can read alien after all!" He called back, pushing all the nessecary buttons to release all the prisoners.
"Now I say, those aliens really have done a number on you if you can understand their language." A businesman with a posh british accent told him.
"I know, and for some reason I feel... well superior." Bassicus told them.
"Well be glad they stopped before you turned into one of those abominations." The british guy said.
"Yeah, that would not be the life for me. Here's some weapons for you." Bassicus said, handing the two people in front of him some pistols he just looted from the aliens he killed.
"How am I supposed to know how to work this?" The military police member said.
"Like a normal handgun, Pete?" The businesman said, holding his like a normal pistol before firing it at an aliens corpse.
"What about reloading? Yeah, didn't think that out did ya, Dave." Pete triumphantly proclaimed.
"Just drop it and pick up another one when you run out?" Bassicus suggested.
"There's a reason Vault-Tec hired you, isn't there?" Dave said, causing the trio to break out in roarcasious laughter.
"Ah, if you can't have a bit of a laugh whilst in captivity on an alien ship, then you're clearly broken." Pete said, clapping Dave and Bassicus on the back.
"Let's go find some armor. It's getting pretty chilly in here." Bassicus told the others.
"Well that's just because the aliens must've really liked you." Pete said, nudging dave in the side as Bassicus crossed his arms and walked over to a locked chest.
"This should be fairly easy to pick." Bassicus said aloud.
"But none of us even know how to pick a lock, much less an alien one."
"Who said anything about picking? I'm just gonna shoot the lock off." BAssicus told them as he took aim and shot at the lock, causing it to shatter.
"That's a pretty useful skill you have there." Dave stated.
"Well I wasn't a lead designer of the Pip-boy for nothing was I?" Bassicus said whilst looking through the chest. "SWEET! My Pip-boy." Bassicus exclaimed.
"Anything else?" Pete asked.
"Just some combat armor, and... an LMG? Where'd they get this?" Bassicus said, holding up an M240.
"I don't know, but I baggs it!" Pete said, running over and slide tackling the LMG out of Bassicus' hands.
"Sure, it's not like I've figured out how to reload this rifle or anything." Bassicus said. Tossing the combat armor to Dave and Pete, he began to put it on and continued to look through the chest. "Sweet, a Browning M2, an UMP, and a .44 revolver." Bassicus said, pulling the items in question out of the chest, as well as a small paramilitary organization worth of ammo for them, and placing them on the floor.
"Well who's gonna carry the browning?" Dave asked, fiddling with the UMP.
"I guess we leave it." Bassicus told the two, checking over the revolver before putting it in a holster on his combat armor.
"I don't know. For some reasonn, leaving behind a weapons suddenly seems, wrong." Pete said, both Bassicus and Dave nodded in agreement.
"I don't know why either, but we certainly can't carry it." Bassicus said, touching the Browning M2, which suddenly dissapeared.
"... I didn't know you were a wizard, Bassicus." Dave said.
"I didn't know either." Bassicus told him.
"Well, at least we have some heavy weaponry should we need it." Pete said, breaking out of his shock.
"True, but how am I supposed to get it? I mean it's not like my Pip-boy will have a menu saying... It has a menu saying which items I currently have on me." Bassicus sighed.
"What's the matter?" Dave asked.
"I completely forgot what I put in this thing."
"Well, at least you get to rediscover them, right?" Pete said, clapping him on the shoulder.
"I suppose you're right. But for now, we've got us some aliens to kill." Bassicus informed them, picking up his Alien Rifle and striking a pose.
"Here's your food." The waiter said, laying out four trays.
"Ah, thank you. Now as I was saying-"
After wandering aimlessly through the corridors of the ship, the trio finally came across the cyro storage chamber. Row after row of cryogenically frozen humans and other creatures filled the room.
"Should we release these poor buggers?" Dave asked, eyeing a strange bipedal crab thingie.
"Sure, more allies to help us kill some commie aliens." Pete laughed.
"Pete, these are aliens, they can't be communists." Bassicus scolded the propaganda smitten man.
"Oh, right. Because they're aliens, and the concept of communisim probably hasn't even been considered by them." Pete said, a rather dissapointed look on his face.
"Oh, come now. We can still kill them all the same, they are xenos scum after all." Dave informed pete.
"Warhammer 40k fan?" Bassicus asked, idly fiddling with a random bobblehead he found lying around.
"How'd you know?" Dave asked, nudging an alien corpse with his boot.
"Lucky guess." Bassicus told him, walking off in a random direction.
"Where we going?" Pete asked, scanning the area for hostiles.
"Dunno." Bassicus replied, stopping suddenly.
"What is it now?" Dave asked, shouldering his SMG.
"I need to sneeze." Bassicus informed them, earning him a groan. "Also there's a shit ton of hostileso n the other side of this door." Bassicus continued, the Browning M2 materializing in his hands.
"What'rre you planning?" Dave asked, nervously.
"I open the door lay down supressive fire and then you guys come in on either side and flank 'em." Bassicus stratagized.
"I knew you could have your moments." Pete chuckled.
"You only met him yesterday." Dave interjected.
"I don't need your fancy logic." Pete snarkily replied.
"Whatever, we have better thigns to do, like clearing a room of raiders- I mean aliens so we can loot their corpses." Dave said, taking position behind Bassicus.
"Whatever." Pete said, following Dave's lead.
With a quick nod to the pair, Bassicus opened the door and immediately closed it. "Those aren't aliens." He told them, backing away slowly and flipping tables and other large objects to make a temporary barricade, which he hopped behind and mounted the MG on. "I'd suggest you get behind here, coz I'm gonna open that door again soon then jump back behind and shoot whatever leaves that room." Bassicus warned, causing Dave and Pete to either filp over the barricade or barrel roll underneath it.
"Okay, on three I run over, open the, and run back whilst you guys shot anything leaving the room." Bassicus confirmed. "THREE!" He suddenly called out, sprinting towards the door and opening it, before running back and diving over the barricade and taking ahold of the MG.
"Where does that door behind us lead?" Dave asked.
"... Cryo storage, I think." Bassicus guessed.
"Yeah, it's not Cryo Storage." Pete told them, walking over with a box of sugar applebombs. "It's a storage room for various foodstuffs they've taken from earth." He explained, munching on the now open packet of sugar applebombs.
"I see, anything else?"
"Just an open doorway to that room over there." He informed them, pointing to the room that they were facing.
"Well... fuck." Bassicus said,dismounted the MG and turning around to face a horde of abominations. "Did you REALLY need to leave the door open?" Bassicus asked, cocking the loading mechanisim on the MG.
"Console broke." Pete said, taking aim as well, right before three grenades landed in the midst of the abominations and somehow freezing them instantly.
"Hey guys! I saw you needed some help so I threw some cryo grenades, might want to smash 'em before they thaw." A friendly sounding canadian accent called out.
"Good idea." Bassicus thought aloud, walking up and swinging the barrel of his M2 at the frozen abominations.
"So, who are you?" Dave asked.
"I'm Sir Reginald Lurdicrest, and yes, my parents did hate children."Sir Reginald bowed.
"Another knight?A pleasure to meet you, I am Sir David Davidson the Eightysecond." Dave bowed, extending his hand.
"I see, family not particularly creative with names?" Reginald asked, shaking Dave's hand.
"Actually a great ancestor lost a bet and from then onwards all first born sons must be called David, the mere fact that the families last name was Davidson was unknown as both people involved in the bet were the first people to discover drugs." Dave explained.
"I see."
"Yes, my family runs the majority of the worlds drug trade." Dave said, casually.
"Wait, you're telling me you're an international drug lord?" Bassicus asked.
"Yes."
"Awesome!" Bassicus cheered.
"Why?"
"Coz now I know a second international criminal." Bassicus told him.
"Who's the first?"
"The god of Pimps."
"Ah, how's he been?" Dave asked as they looted the cleared rooms.
"Dead, Interpool tracked him down whilst he was crashing at my place. Would've been arrested too, if it weren't for the fact that I work for Vault-Tec and my army of robots."
"Where's you get an army of robots?"
"Interning as Mr. House's protegee has it's advantages, mainly knowledge of robot engineering only rivalled by Mr. House's." Bassicus responded.
"How did you get all these amazing opourtunities?" Dave and Pete asked at the same time.
"Gradutating university at ten with highest honours?"
"That would probably do it." Reginald said, taken aback at the sheer intellect the man before him had.
"Probably, now let's get back to killing aliens and looting!" Bassicus called out, marching off in another random direction with his gun totting posse behind him.
Several hours later the group found itself in the bridge of the Theta, much loot weighing down the many rugsacks and duffel bags they had come across. Standing before them was an empty control room and a window seat view of another mothership approaching them.
"So... Should we man the stations or something?" Pete asked, slowly eding towards what he assumed were the firing controls.
"I guess so." Bassicus told him, sitting down in the surprisingly comfy captains chair. "When we get out of this, I'm keeping his chair." Bassicus said.
"I think we're locked on, should I open fire?" Pete asked from where he was randomly pressing buttons that looked like they were designed for a two year old.
"I'm thinking, yes." Bassicus said, sitting in such a way that he looked like an actual starship captain.
"Aye aye, sir!" Pete mock saluted, pressing the button with a picture of a firing laser. Watching in awe, the group watched a green laser shoot out from their ship and impact the aliens, causing its shields to flare and die out.
"Fire again." Bassicus commanded, too which Pete responded by pressing the button again,but nothing happened. Spotting a button with a picture of a vent and wavy lines above it, he pressed it and then the laser button. After a few seconds the ships laser fired again, ripping apart the alien ship and causing its reactors to overload and explode.
"Well, what now?" Dave asked, looking bored.
"We pilot this thing to a remote stretch of land and then go on with out lives, eventually returning with a fuck load of people to dismantle and reverse engineer this thing so we have have, like, an impregnable fortress of ultra tech." Pete imagined.
"I like your thinking patterns." Bassicus said in a cheery tone. "Now then, how the fuck do we fly this thing?" He said aloud, causing everyone to scratch their heads.
"And that's how I escaped an alien spaceship." Bassicus told his rapt audience.
"How'd you get off the ship?" Rainbow asked.
"And for that matter, when did you spark the Great War?" Luna also asked.
"It took us three days to locate an instruction manual with information on how to fly it. And to answer your question Luna, we were delving through a large maintenance area when I pressed a remote launch control for an ICBM."
"I see, and when did this Great War start?" She continued.
"2077, why?"
"And when did you escape the aliens?"
"2087. I don't see what you're getting at." Bassicus asked.
"How could you start a war that happened ten years earlier?" Luna summarized, leaving Bassicus to stare blankly into nothingness for a few minutes. After poking Bassicus for a few mionutes, Luna jumped back when he suddenly slammed his head into the table with enough force to shatter it after muttering the word fuck. "Are you alright?" She asked.
"Just peachy." Bassicus told her, giving her a thumbs up as he righted himself.
"That must've hurt." Rainbow cringed.
"Quite a bit, but enough about me, tell me about your childhoods." Bassicus switched topics.
"Well, I was imprisoned for a thousand years on the moon when I was fourteen by my power hungry sister, and then escaped, only to have my powers stripped away and be placed under a mind control spell." Luna told them, giving an incredibly shortened versioon of her life story.
"I'm not gonna listen to yours, Rainbow. Those under the age of fourteen should not be having intercourse." Bassicus told Rainbow, who merely shrugged and began drumming her hooves on her chair.
"Well, let's head to bed, we've got an early start tomorrow. And I appear to have developed a massive headache." Bassicus told them, causing the mares to giggle as he dizzily stood up.
"Follow me." Sharqua told them, leading them to their hotel rooms.