//------------------------------// // Error 404: Home.exe not found. Error 405: Unable to connect to Wi-Fi. // Story: SMP-5N // by Okhlahoma Beat-Down //------------------------------// Darkness. That was all I awoke to. Well, not really. More of a beaming noise, followed by-wait a minute...Creaking? My bed wasn't that badly made; even for one I made 5 years ago. Whirring. Whirring? What could possibly be whirring at, like, 5 in the morning? My Watch? If it is, I'd better get it o- REBOOTING. FILES REINSTALLING. ARMOUR INTEGRITY CHECK ENGAGED. CHECKING WEAPONS. OPTICAL SENSORS ENGAGING. VOCABULATOR ENGAGING. ATTEMPTING TO RECONNECT WITH HYPERION NETWORK. Woah. Who the hell said that? Hyperion network? I'm dreaming. P.W.R LOADER UNIT SMP-5N ONLINE. UNABLE TO DETERMINE LOCATION. UNABLE TO CONNECT TO HYPERION NETWORK. PLEASE ATTEMPT RECONNECTION AT A LATER DATE. Yep, I'm dreaming. Why would I be a PWR Loader? Those things are beast, and I'm no beast. OPTICAL SENSORS FULLY ENGAGED. ACTIVATING. A light slowly dwindled into being. Small at first, before gradually expanding from the tiny speck into a point where things were visible. More specifically, clouds. Pretty clouds. I tried to move after a few minutes of watching pretty clouds drift lazily by, yet no feedback. Barely visible, red text began to scroll in from the side of my vision, just above what seemed to be a minimap. Oh cool, a map. No wait... It's blank. Fuck. AUDIO SENSORS ENGAGING. EXTERNAL MICROPHONES ACTIVE. Bloody hell, that was quick to activate. Who's shouting...? And how did I hear them before the mic turned on? Suddenly, a noise. -Woof.- Awesome, a dog. Dogs are awesome. And if I'm a PWR loader, he shall be my fearsome minion! I shall lead him to Sanctuary! The dog came into view. It wasn't a dog. It looked like a dog; it was small, and fluffy. Except it was grey and had sharp teeth. Ooh, a wolf...so awesome... ENGAGING MOTORS. ENGAGING HYDRAULICS. ENGAGING GYRO SYSTEMS. Ha ha, I shall soon be standing. And then I can wake up. A loud hiss and clanking resonated below my vision as I felt myself lift up. I didn't lift up too fast, but still fast enough for what I was dreaming I was. Trees began to appear at the bottom of my sight, before arriving at a normal position; stood straight and tall. CHECKING WEAPON SYSTEM: EMP. ACTIVATED. SUPPORT TOOLS: TITANIUM-A ROTORS. ACTIVATED. Awesome, now I can kill and or maim bitches. Who challenges me first? A fearsome Vault Hunter? Agressive but deadly Threshers? I hope this dream never ends. Suddenly, a loud whupping sound caught my attention. I moved my beady optical sensor to look down, and it did so quite quickly. My hands, if you could call them that, were exceedingly long blades of 'Titanium-A', like my new friend 'Mr System Check' told me. They were spinning rapidly round, much like the loader would do in Borderlands to kill-oh, not the dog. What appeared to be strands of flesh were hanging from my claws/clamps, flailing around as the blades slowed. I looked down further. The fluffy, and innocent, animal was now shorn neatly in half, what appeared to have plastered on its dead face a look of-what? Fear? Shock? Sadness? I don't know. Suddenly, I spoke in a voice that was CLEARLY too badass to handle. "Target eliminated." I proclaimed proudly. "Engaging scan for other life." A small wavelength symbol appeared beside my minimap, the word 'SCAN' marked below. As that did its thing, I decided to look around. I seemed to be in a valley of some sort, darkness from the night shrouding many details. But, being a machine, I could see a lot. I was stood in some bushes, the blood from my recent motor spasm painting a bloody picture as it strung around the place. The plantlife, meanwhile, had fared no better; many branches from the nearby tree lay on the floor in sawdust as leaves were hammered by blades. I decide to get a better look. Stepping out of the bushes, I could see clearly where I had just been standing. Massive footprints were imprinted in the mud, and bushes were parted. "Scan complete." the voice said again. "No life detected." However, I knew there probably was: I'd heard talking, I was in charge of this dream. I looked around closely, tiny eye rolling in its socket as I tried to pick out movement. After several minutes of mindlessly patrolling the area with rigid movements, I mentally slapped myself to wake myself up. When I didn't, I sighed, and considered the biggest cliché ever: what now? --------------------------------------------------------- Joints creaking and groaning in protest, I hefted the final tree I had uprooted and placed it in the right place. Now, after a good ten minutes, I had finished my bridge using my new found knowledge of construction work and architecture. The bridge was very well made, better than any I could have made as a human. Using the spinny hands, I had carved the trees in half to form a flat surface, before beginning to hammer them into each other to create support beams. The canyon not only seemed crossable, but now crossable with style. I had even taken the liberty of carefully engraving my new name, 'SMP-5N' onto a plaque at the end. Though slim, the bridge was crafted of Boxwood (my new onboard Wikipedia told me), the sturdiest type of wood, and could support my steel/titanium/technology body with great ease. Looking over my, erm, spinny-bladeywork, I began to tromp across it. In less than a few seconds I had made it over, my map marking everywhere I decided to trundle as I went. I'd set the valley bottom as 'Valley Bottom Point A X:0 Y:0'. Well I didn't. The computer in my head did. Making a quick note to uninstall that, I used a short jet-propelled leap onto a small platform above some rocks. It was quite simply some smooth rock that cracked when I smashed down on it, but no matter. I was in unidentified territory now; it was time to scan the landscape. Literally, scan. CIVILIZATION DETECTED. SETTING WAYPOINT. Nice. A small blip appeared in the corner of the map, telling me where to go. However, where I needed to go would be worthless if I never got there. Jumping down from the rock I'd perched on, my huge feet smacked down onto the mud and dry rock below. Taking a moment to acknowledge I wouldn't stumble at any point after landing, I began to tromp off into the woods. My goal was set: I was probably not dreaming, so I'd need somewhere to lie low and try to find a way back home. I was probably going to get picked apart for so much as entering a civilized area, and that meant keeping to the shadows. So that meant following the path of nearly every single Fanfic ever written, and I began to stomp towards only a single place. It was a large bulk of what seemed to be medieval buildings, imbedded into the mountains by some feat that disabled my logic drive momentarily. The largest of these buildings, however, looked to be some kind of palace, grand and tall. I assumed this was where the leaders of this country met and held conference. Spinning my blades quickly as I stomped through the foliage, I began to consider if anybody else had arrived here as a loader? No. They can't have. Knowing me, I died in my sleep and this is 'paradise'. What? Trudging for hours as a two tonne robot that has spinning hand rotors and an awesome voice? That's my paradise? Awesome. --------------------------------------------------------- I stomped up the mountain road, the night providing a rather limited cover for the 2 tonne machine with a red eye. However, if I played my cards right I could persuade the residents that I was non-hostile. Plus, my physical appearance would provide a challenge. Not letting such thoughts discourage me, I continued my trek. I noticed that my natural stance seemed to be holding my right arm at a rough 40.84° angle, and that with each step I took when not running was slow and rather gigantic. Suddenly, a notification appeared in the corner of my vision. INCOMING ECHO. ANSWERING. What?! People can ECHO me?! Who the hell can ECHO me when I'm in wherever-the-hell-this-is?! My answer came in the form of a picture. Handsome Jack was ECHO'ing me! "Finally," he groaned, the image displayed clearly betraying his emotions, "You're back on the system, Loader." "Why am I of importance?" I asked in my voice. I didn't stop walking/stomping up the mountain road. "Well!" he laughed. "Looks like you kept your frickin' personality, huh? You were chosen for this project because your parents are, well, dead." "My parents are dead?!" I replied, my voice not even changing tone. "Hahahaaaa, yeah. We killed them so there's no inquest into where you went. Right now, you're in uncharted territory. Your job is to keep the locals, if there are any, in check. So far we've found these tiny colourful horses. Like that diamond pony I want to buy. No locals, keep them in check. You catch my drift?" "Yes," I replied, "But why am I PWR Loader Designate SMP-5N? I was a human first." "Yep. Thought you'd ask that. Well, the funny thing is we figured out how to put human minds into a machine's, and YOU, my dear friend, are the test subject. When that test succeeded, we put you in the AI core conveyor in the ship, so you got put into a random body. You think being a Power Loader is bad? You should have a coffee morning with those poor bastards who ended up being EXP Loaders. Well, a dangerous coffee morning. With frickin' explosions. Well, have fun. I don't pay you by the hour." I remained silent. "Ha, I'm kidding, I don't pay you at all. Kay, bye!" Kccch. Seriously? I'm working for Handsome Jack? He's fictional, for crying out loud! Just then, I realised where I was going. I had to ECHO Jack. "What?" he asked, sounding slightly annoyed. "Well, I just realised I'm heading to some castle built into the mountains. Do I kill everybody that oppose Hyperion's settlement?" "Ha ha, that's the spirit, Kiddo!" he laughed. "Yeah, do that: if it's more of those horses, kick 'em. It'll be frickin' funny to watch them go WHEEEEEE over the room. Make sure that you get to converse with their leader though. If the horse is their leader, don't kick it." "Slice it to shreds?" "Yeah, that's good. Tell you what, I might send MORE Loaders with Human minds if this place is non-hostile. So then, ciao." I already liked Handsome Jack. Now? I wish he was my dad.