//------------------------------//
// CHAPTER XXXII: Flagging Commitment 
// Story: Special Illumination 
// by ponichaeism 
//------------------------------//

	As the dusk settled over the sleepy town of Hollowed Ground and the doors of the houses were shut against the oncoming night, a drunken and joyous chorus emerged from the half-door of the Cider Horse tavern and drifted across the grass, which was slowly rippled by the rising wind.


We swore we'd die before we let fly
A flag of blue with a purple crown
These walls may shake, but they cannot break
Into our hearts by breaking our bones
So stand up tall and out loud call:
This drink's for you, our beloved home!
So stand up tall and out loud call:
This drink's for you, the ponies of Roan!


Although Starswirl was no closer to the Harmony than he had been since the apparition of Mareco Polo had appeared to him, as he stood at the bar in the tavern with one foreleg slung around Carmine and the other around Jack Apple, he felt a bit of that sense of kinship and closeness again.
No wonder the Harmony expresses itself through music, he thought with rambling awe. Music is the perfect fusion of mathematical perfection and raw emotional power.
As the three of them and Clover swayed back and forth, they bellowed:


So come what may, but never let sway
What that red flag inspires in you
Bathed in blood and dragged through mud
Her radiance will always shine through
So stand up tall and out loud call:
This drink's for you, our beloved home!
So stand up tall and out loud call:
This drink's for you, the ponies of Roan!


Carmine turned, picked up Clover very suddenly, and dropped her on the counter. Trying to stand still, he leaned towards her and pointed. "Do you remember the words now?" he asked.
She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, papa."
"Good," he said. "You need to remember them, because the defense of the city rests on you--" He suddenly burst into tears and his jolly mood disappeared instantly.
"What's wrong, papa?" she asked, stunned.
Starswirl eased Carmine away from his filly.
"It's alright," the wizard said. "It's alright. Let's step outside and get some fresh air, why don't we?"
"Papa," Clover said, "wh-what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Starswirl said. "He's just had too much to drink."
As the two unicorns stepped out into the cool dusk, the refreshing air cascaded over them. Starswirl took his hat off and let the soothing breeze run all across his scalp. He eased Carmine down onto the ground and sat beside him. After a moment of nothing but the wind and the muffled sound of ponies in their homes, Starswirl spoke.
"Why did you come to this town, Carmine?"
Carmine wiped the tears away from his eyes. "I-it just seemed like the right place to settle down."
"A town where everypony hates you?"
Harshly, Carmine asked, "How's that any different from back home, huh?"
"Why not another unicorn city, like Varnice?"
For the longest time, Carmine said nothing. He and Starswirl just stared at the sunset over the golden fields to the west and the lanterns alighting in the windows as the ponies tried to keep the descending darkness at bay.
"Nothing lasts forever," Carmine said finally as he rubbed his skull. "I learned that ten years ago. Nothing except....hate. I couldn't go through all that again."
"So you moved to a place where the only guarantee is that you would be hated?"
"Least that way, I know where I stand. There's an-an honesty to hatred, Starswirl. Love, it never does nothing but makes us lie to those we love and keep secrets from them."
"Secrets such as....?"
Carmine broke out into a cracked, pained smile and laughed harshly as he said, "'Hey, darling, have you seen the neighbor's wife? Isn't she fine looking?'"
Starswirl smiled. "Yes, I see your point."
"I couldn't let Clover go through that, Starswirl. I had to make her tough, you see? I had to take her to a place where she wouldn't...."
"Get her hopes up?" the wizard said softly.
Carmine's head bobbled wildly as he struggled to lift it up and down repeatedly.
"I don't think that's whole reason you came here," Starswirl said.
Carmine's brow furrowed. "Y-yeah, what was all that you said, about wh-what I was searching for?"
Starswirl locked his eyes on the Roanan's and said, "I think you came here searching for somepony."
Carmine laughed, although it was a nervous, exaggerated laugh that could conceal something else, something deeper. "And who," he asked, standing up and throwing his forelegs around wildly, "would I be searching for in this forsaken place?" 
"You tell me," the wizard said.
Suddenly Carmine grabbed his head, surely hit with a sudden dizzy spell. Starswirl grabbed him to try and steady him, but the Roanan shrugged him off.
"I'm sorry, Carmine. It was....a joke."
Carmine's bloodshot eyes scoured the wizard's face. "Well, it ain't a very funny one."
Starswirl shrugged and played up his drunkenness. "I've had quite a bit to drink. I'm afraid they can't all be winners."
"Fine," Carmine said sharply. "I just need t-to lie down a bit, then I'll be fine."
"Alright, you do that. You've had much more than me. You go home and rest. I'll look after Clover."
Carmine started to stagger towards the darkened mill lit by the dying light. After five paces he turned back. 
"You look after Clover now. Sh-she gets herself into a lot of trouble."
The wizard grinned. "Yes. I know."
"She's my-my little filly."
"I know."
Carmine swayed on his hooves like he wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything. Reluctantly, almost forlornly, he turned and walked towards his home with his snout nearly brushing against the grass. Starswirl watched him go. Halfway home, the wind carried to the wizard the sad strains of the Roanan singing his song to himself.
Starswirl sighed, and his ears fell. 
That could have gone better, he thought. I'll have to tell him soon.
He sat in the grass and watched the light fade from the world for a few minutes, pondering how to broach the subject of the sorcerer to Carmine without the Roanan shutting him out. He came up with nothing, so he got up and headed back into the tavern.
"Where's papa?" Clover asked, her eyes trembling.
"Carmine has had quite a bit to drink, Clover."
"He doesn't drink like that much," she said.
Starswirl shook his head. "No, I should think not, and I know why: cider has a way of....tearing down the defenses we build in our minds. Old memories and emotions that we'd prefer not to remember easily and freely come flooding back to us."
"Is he going to be alright?" Brandy asked.
"I'm sure he'll be fine once he sleeps it off."
"How about you, then? Another one?"
Starswirl raised his hoof. "None for me, I'm afraid. Thank you for the generosity, but I've had my limit."
And of course I don't want to make it too hard to run away from my problems.
The wizard groaned inwardly at his deeper mind slipping that hurtful remark in.
"Where's Jack?" he asked.
Brandy nodded at the back. "He slipped out the back to go forage. That crazy pony swears milk thistle is some kind a'miracle cure, so's he planted some in the orchard."
"He should sell some in here," Starswirl muttered. "He would make a fortune."
Brandy chuckled. 
"Starswirl, do you know any other songs?" Clover asked.
The wizard nodded. "Yes, I know quite a few."
"Sing one?" she pleaded, widening her eyes.
"Ah, this is one my mother used to sing to me when I was just a colt."
Starswirl cleared his throat as the words formed themselves in his mind. With a light tone and a fleet voice, he sang:


There once was a pony who ran from death
Who ran and ran till he ran out of breath
And as he looked behind himself he saw
He had neglected one enormous flaw
So much of life he spent running away
Forgetting to live each one and every day
Clearly he saw as death fell like a knife
That death was just another name for life


As the last syllable fell from his lips, he suddenly realized what he'd been singing. He'd known the lyrics for so long, he scarcely thought much about what they actually meant. Hearing them fully like that cut into him like a knife, just as in the song.
"Mighty cheery," Brandy said.
"Yes," Starswirl said, "perhaps that wasn't the best song for the occasion."
"Oh, I think it was a mighty fine thing to sing," said Ettin Arcadia from behind them.
Starswirl and Clover turned to see the brawny stallion and three others standing just inside the door.
"Because you're dead," the earth pony said.