IV.
Something is horribly wrong, and I do not care at all.
I’m back in the habitation ring, where it’s bright and there’s moderate gravity. It’s really amazing how nice this part of the ship is, considering that it’s part of an experimental vessel. But I guess it’s all a part of the experiment. Can a year of loneliness be helped along by nice living quarters?
It helps, even if I still feel a bit lonely.
The bed is nice. I’m lying in it, on top of the covers, staring up at the ceiling. There’s a poster of Sweetie Belle up there, one she and Apple Bloom put up as a joke. It’s got a little autograph in the corner. With the success she’s had, I could probably sell it for a lot... but I won’t. It’s a good poster. It’s... gosh, I think this one is her first album, when I still lived in Ponyville. She’s leaning on the rail of our old tree house, smiling. The title, Crusader, is emblazoned across the top in black. It’s a beautiful picture of a beautiful filly.
Her hair was so long then... I liked it that way, a wild and curly mess. It was pretty. Did I ever tell her so? I must have. It covers one eye, on the poster, and it’s...
I sit up, and decide to not think about it anymore.
The terrible feeling is still there, but so is most of my calm. It’s like... this thing that’s pulling at me is a storm way off in the distance. It’s like I can hear thunder, maybe even feel the electricity in my mane and on the back of my neck. But it’s still too far away to really worry about, yet.
I climb out of the bed, grateful for the light gravity as I touch my hooves down on the floor.
The room is sparse, but nice enough. There’s a picture of my Rumble on the dresser, and another of three Crusaders beside that. There’s one of Rainbow Dash and me too, but it’s face down.
Going out the door, I enter what I call the lobby. It’s actually the living area, but I kept forgetting the words for it and always called it a lobby on accident. Names stick.
I could have called it the Crusader room and been more accurate. Apple Bloom begged Princess Luna to let her provide me with furnishings. Her sister being the Element of Honesty probably helped that go through all the red tape. Though, Luna always seemed nice to me. I mean, when I had the chance to interact with her, which was seldom. She's a quiet one, our princess.
The lobby has a little couch with a window to the outside behind it and a large computer terminal with cabinets around it. They’re filled to bursting with movies, music, and books, most of them Sweetie Belle’s selections. Flanking the terminal on either side are two paintings that Applebloom did for me while I was in training. Their frames are bolted into the wall.
On a whim, I find that first album of Sweetie’s and pop it into the computer.
The ship plays it over the hidden speakers almost immediately, and Sweetie Belle is singing one of her silly love songs. I used to call them that, didn’t I? She remembered that I did too, apparently, from the way she spoke in her care package tapes.
I don’t want to think about those.
I sigh, and look out the window. I was greet by sheer, unbroken black. Huh. I was sure that we were in a nebula. With colors.
Sweetie’s old music is soothing, even if it does remind me again of the poster. I sigh. Just a silly love song, something about flying... Oh, dammit, Sweetie. Now I feel stupid.
I don’t turn it off, though. The beat’s good, and the melody is nice. I imagine it’s some other filly with wings on her mind. Still looks like me, just... not. I guess.
I keep walking however, knowing it’ll follow me everywhere I go in the habitation ring. The door at the opposite side of the room leads me down a long hallway with a bathroom and a closet.
It’s so weird, walking. I’m not used to it.
I just haven’t been in the ring for a while, not for long periods. Ever since the whole... Ghost thing, I’ve been a bit distraught. Not to mention that the nebula has kept the long-range scanning worthless. I’ve spent most of my time either in the Heart or in Navigation, when I haven’t been on the run. I imagine I can almost feel it turning under me, generating this light gravity, but I know I can’t really. At least I hope not, because that would mean something was wrong.
I walk down the dim hall and come out into my kitchen, facing the next door, which leads into the exercise room. It’s important to get actual work in with weights and stuff, and keep my muscles from... atrophy... Oh.
Luna, my boss and the Princess of the Night, is sitting at my little bolted-down table.
She smiles at me, and gestures to the other chair. Her magical aura surrounds it, and as I sit obediently, I begin to realize how silly it is that there are two.
“We gather that you know what is occurring here.”
“I’m dreaming,” I reply flatly, meeting her eyes. I could always do that better than most of the others at the Academy. I mean, yeah, she’s not the most friendly, but...
“Yes. We always thought you were quick when you needed to be. We wonder... do you remember when We first met you?” She smiles at me. It’s not a wide smile, only a thin one. I don’t remember Luna ever showing much teeth when she smiled.
I tap my chin and think. “Yeah. My nightmare, with the... gosh, what was it? Headless horse or something? Years ago. I was just a filly.”
“Yes...” Luna leans in. On reflex, I lean back a little so to avoid her intense gaze. I look down and am shocked to find that my suit is gone. That would explain why my bed was as comfortable as it was.
“Scootaloo, We do wonder if you know how you appear to us here.” She rests her head on her hooves, and tilts it slightly.
“Appear? What do you mean?”
She just points at me. I look over my shoulder, confused, and then I see it. Rather, I don’t see it. Or them.
My wings are gone.
The lack of surprise I feel has nothing to do with the weird calm from earlier. I look back at Luna and shrug. “Actually, that happens a lot. In dreams, I mean. I’m either flying like Rainbow or I don’t have them at all.”
She tilts her head again, to the other side this time. “Curious.”
I break eye contact. It’s weird, having someone try to psychoanalyze my dreams while I’m in them.
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I might as well be an earth pony,” I all but spit out. The Princess is literally the last pony I want to talk to about this. Seriously, I’d even talk to the Ghost about this before the Princess.
Princess Luna just studies me.
So of course, I start filling the silence. I always do that, don’t I? Just talk and talk and talk.
“I can’t fly. Okay, I can a little. But not really fly fly. I didn’t even try to learn how to use these stupid wings to fly in zero-g in training. It just... wasn’t worth looking like an idiot. How are you even here, anyway? Does this not have some sort of... range? Can you just pop into dreams no matter what?”
She leans back a bit. “We are unsure. We only know that We made sure to keep a connection to you through our... AfterPony. She cried out, but not for herself. She said you needed help, and this troubled us. You shouldn’t. Not in the way she seemed to mean.”
“Not in the way...? What in Equestria are you talking about, Princess? I don’t understand what’s going on here. Am I going crazy?”
“Tho—You are not mad, no. You are... unwell, but not mad. Madness is far from you.” She pauses, and hums softly. "In danger, perhaps. But that was not foreseen."
“‘Unwell?’ What does that even mean?” I know she’s the Princess, but this is my dream, dammit!
“You are plagued by doubt. We confess, We did see it even when you were younger. Do you know why We picked you, Scootaloo?”
“I’m awesome?” That sounds too familiar. Too much like a certain somepony. I wince before continuing. “I’m sorry. I hope because I deserved it, your Majesty. I’m a good pilot.”
“Indeed, a wonderful pilot. Perhaps, you are more a pegasus at heart than you let on! But no, it was not the heart of your case. It was because you doubt.”
I have no real response to this. I’ve wondered if it was because of Dash’s recommendation or Twilight’s... but this? Because I doubt? Doubt what? That I’m a pegasus? I’m pretty sure I have wings. Dreams don’t mean that much.
Then what do I doubt? I see Sweetie’s poster again in my mind, and Rumble’s picture. He’s smiling back in my room, beside my bed.
“Doubt?” I ask, shaking my head. It’s gotta be something beside that. I’ve just got Sweetie on the mind because of that poster.
“Star Mother, too, doubts. You do not know the truth yet. That must seem strange to you, that your doubts might not be similar to hers. To you, she is still only a voice.”
“She’s... I mean, she’s my... she’s not just a voice, nah.”
“It might behoove you to think of her as your friend. Or at least, as a pony.”
“She’s my friend,” I say, maybe a little too defensively, and it feels strange. Can you be friends with a computer voice? But I do feel like that’s a true statement somehow.
She pauses, just staring at me for a moment. And then, out of the blue, she smiles. It’s a bigger smile than the one before. “We are glad to hear that. She needs your help.”
“Yeah, and I need hers, but she keeps buggin’ out on me. Princess, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna need answers fast. What’s wrong with her? She made it sound like something’s after her. Do you know what this Ghost is and where it’s from?”
“Nothing is wrong with her, aside from what is naturally wrong. Naturally wrong, of course, in that the only problems are ones that I expected. It is hers to tell, even my part of it. As for the Ghost... it was unforeseen, and We are deeply sorry. We are unsure, but We suspect that it comes from the Heart, where the AfterPony pods are. Star Mother will know by now, We are sure.”
“Is there any way out of this?”
“We are unsure, again. Scootaloo, We only ask you to be brave.”
“I’m trying... but... you don’t understand. It’s Dash. That is who the Ghost is: Rainbow. At first, she was all sad, and she kept looking for me... and then she’d corner me and just poof. Into dust, like when I touched her and...” I feel like something’s lodged in my throat. I hate getting choked up.
“Like... You don’t understand, Princess. She keeps dying, and it’s all my fault. And Sweetie... I mean, I’m sorry, Rainbow... Aw hell, there’s nothing you can do?”
“Nothing. You must face this alone.”
“Can you tell me anything? Anything at all? I’m sorry for cursing at you, please, just anything.I don’t know anything. I’m so lost. I mean, I can’t tell you anything about… anything. I mean, I couldn’t even tell you what the ship’s name means, at this point.”
“We can tell you that, if you’d like.”
“Wait, what?”
“The name. Absolution refers to our atonement.”
“What?”
“Our atonement, Scootaloo. Can there be forgiveness long after wrong?”
“I... don’t know?”
“Or can there be, perhaps, some right that can be done? Can a pony crawl back into its mother’s womb?”
“What does this have to do with deep space exploration?”
“No, not exploration.” She stands up and walks a bit away, and for the first time, I notice that there’s a window here that’s bigger than it should be. A quick glance around shows that the ponyhole entrance in the center of the floor is gone, and everything’s a little... too big.
“No,” she begins again, looking out at the darkness that suddenly changes. The nebula is back, a sea of changing, unnatural color. I look away from it, feeling a little sick. I hate this thing, hated it the moment I saw it. It’s so... I don’t know. I can almost see Sweetie Belle wrinkling her nose and pronouncing it “garish!” or something like that. After the sameness of deep space, it just seems... out of place, to me, I guess.
“We have been here before, Scootaloo. Don’t worry, not many know that once We walked the stars. Your ignorance is quite understandable.”
“But... how? Without a suit or a ship?” I'm trying to picture it. It's a beautiful picture, but an impossible one.
“We—all alicorns, in reality—are different than other ponies. Celestia and We once danced on the solar winds, did you know? If I have the time...” She pauses and looks back behind her. Her brow furrows, and I follow her gaze.
The ponyhole is back, and someone is unscrewing the door.
Finally, after all of this, I begin to feel nervous. I fidget.
“Princess—”
“Luna—you may call us by our name. You are perhaps about to earn it,” she says quickly, without breaking eye contact with our unexpected guest.
“I’ve felt really weirdly calm. Was that you?”
“Yes. We thought it would help, but We see that We are beginning to lose some of our hold. Come away from the entrance, Scootaloo.”
I do so, scrambling away from the little door as it begins to open. A blue hoof pushes emerges ,and and my heart skips a beat. Is it Rainbow?
But it’s not. The blue is too dark, and as the rest of the pony emerges, I find that I don’t recognize the newcomer at all. I’ve never seen her before. Heck, I haven’t seen a pegasus as tall as her ever.
She stands beside the floor entrance and shakes out her wings before looking up with a smile.
“Hello, Scootaloo. I found you!”
I know that voice. It’s so familiar, but it still takes me a few seconds.
“Star... Mother? Is that you? How...?”
She frowns at me. “I’m not just a machine, Scootaloo. Despite what you might think, I’m a hybrid of old magic and new technology. I inherited some of my ‘mother’s’ abilities. Like dream walking. I’ve just not tried it before now.”
“Oh.”
I look her over. She’s almost as tall as Luna, with dark-blue mane and coat. There are small splotches of white here and there on her flank, around her crescent moon cutie mark. After a beat, I realize that they’re like a little sky of stars, and I can’t help but smile. Her hair is long, and her wings are gorgeous. So are those purple eyes. Did I just say that about an AI? I shake my head. This is probably the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.
“So this is what you look like,” I say, trying to cover up my embarrassment for having looked her over.
“Yes,” she says, and twirls as if to show off all of her strange new body. “Do you like it? I do! I have not had a chance to use it. I looked at a great many pictures. I also sampled a few voices to model my own after. I can even sing!”
Mostly, from that description, I’m just impressed it doesn’t look cobbled together. But it looks great. And singing, huh? I wonder who she sampled.
Luna speaks, finally. Her voice bothers me. It’s somewhere between warm and cold. It’s not how I’d expect her to greet the entity she called “child.”
“Hello, Star Mother. Is that still your name?”
Star Mother looks over at her, her eyes widening. She opens her mouth and closes it, almost as if she’s already forgotten how to use it. “Of... course? It has always been my name, Luna.”
Luna nods, as if confirming something. Her voice is flat, without any of the earlier expression in it. “Ah.”
The smile on my face fades away; I can feel it. I look back at Luna, a little confused, but before I can ask what it is she finds not to her liking, Star Mother is talking. It really does sound like her, same pony with a different voice. I’m even thinking of her as a pony now, just like Luna said.
“But anyhow, Scootaloo. I’m so glad I found you. You ran off, and it’s been a bit tricky finding you. I think I’ve got this whole Shadow thing sorted out, and now it’s time to deal with your Ghost.”
“It’s really great to hear that, Star Mother—and really, really great to hear your voice again. Will you please tell me what’s going on here?” I don’t know why I was bothered earlier.
“Of course. It’s the nebula, Scootaloo. You’ll need to jettison all of the samples, first off. This was all an accident, and—”
“Have you joined, then?” Luna was talking. There’s something in her voice that I don’t understand, and it scares me. I draw back a little.
“I’m sorry, Luna, I don’t understand. Join?” The way she’s talking…
It clicks.
“You call her mother,” I say, my voice flat. “I remember that now. You always call her mother.”
Nopony speaks for a moment.
“That she does,” Star Mother says, and then she looks at me.
Before my eyes, she changes. Her eyes go from that deep purple to a dark red. Her face becomes more square, more colt-like. Her long mane shrinks, her body begins to swell with muscle. She—no, it now—grins at me and I can see that this intruder has a mouth full of knife teeth.
I back up, falling over and scooting back on my hooves. I look behind me, but the door is gone. I look for Princess Luna, but she hasn’t moved. My heart’s racing.
“Princess! Please!”
The Ghost’s voice is deep, and in a moment of horror, I realize it sounds a lot like Rumble’s voice. It isn’t just like it—it is his voice, stolen from me. It’s been in my head! Dammit, nopony gets to do that to me! Nopony steals from me like that!
“That’s not your voice!”
But she ignores me. Luna is talking now.
“I shall ask you one more time, Shadow. Are you joined? Are you the Nightmare yet? Is it time for me to cull the daughter of my mind?” Her voice is booming, filling my head and almost eradicating thought. The world around us shudders at the force of it.
“No,” it answers, laughing. “Not yet. But we both know how that goes, don’t we, little Luna? For I pick up pieces of myself in you. Perhaps if you stay just a bit longer, two copies of—”
“You give it back! Right now, damn you! Stop it!”
Luna’s horn glows, but I can’t tell what she’s doing. “Shadow, leave this place. You are not welcome in my domain.”
But it just continues to laugh. Finally, it looks back at me.
“I found you,” it sings. "One out of two! Halfway."
Outside, the nebula is swallowed up in red light which pours in from the window and bathes the whole room in a bloody glow. Luna roars something which I don’t catch and then... somepony has me in her forelegs, pulling me back from behind. Star Mother’s voice is in my ear.
“It’s not me! It’s not me! Mother, please, I’m still here. Please don’t, not yet. I haven’t failed you!” Her forelegs tighten around me frantically. "I don't want to die!"
The Ghost spreads his wings, and then everything is chaos. Luna is running at him, and he’s barreling towards me. Star Mother is trying to pull me back into another compartment. But he’s so close. He’s too close, right up in my face and I can see his teeth. They take up my whole vision, just his teeth and his eyes. I try to bring a foreleg up to shield my face.
And then I know I’m awake because everything around him just breaks like paint chipping off a wall. But it’s Rainbow again, roaring in my face as she pins me to the ground in this room I’ve fallen asleep in. The mist has cleared; the lights are on.
There’s no time to think about it. I kick her in the stomach as hard as I can, and the roaring is cut off suddenly. She falls to the side but grabs at me with her hooves. They’re like ice, or frozen steel, and I can’t break free. She’s making a strange high, triumphant noise. I kick at her again and again, but she doesn’t let go until my legs are burning from her touch.
But her grip breaks. She screams my name behind me, and I can hear her trying to get up, but I’m out the door.
“Star Mother! Lock it! Please, gods, be there!”
I hear the door snap shut behind me.