A Golden Afternoon

by Gallifrey

A Touch of Vorpal

Twilight and Applejack bade farewell to the Princesses and Big Macintosh late that morning, and were now enjoying lunch under a great lumbering tree that stood alone on top of a hill. Its trunk was enormous and distinctly out of proportion with its small branches and leaves. Twilight was strongly reminded of the unusual baobab trees she had seen on a field trip to the Zebrahara when she was a young teenager, so alien, yet familiar all at once. She picked up her sword again and fiddled with it in her hooves, lying on her back and closing her eyes.
What was it about her life in particular that landed her in these situations? Why was she the Element of Magic? Was it simply because she was talented at it? No, that seemed far too trivial, and arrogant to boot. Was it because she was the star student of Princess Celestia? Possibly... but still... maybe it was something like destiny.
The studious and bookish unicorn tended not to believe in notions as ambiguous as destiny but she couldn't shake off a niggling feeling, not unlike the feeling she got whenever Pinkie Pie demonstrated her Pinkie Sense.
Thinking of Pinkie Pie, Twilight returned to the subverted 'reality' she had to live in, and noticed that the sky was now yellow...

Never did like yellow, sorry Fluttershy, she thought.

"C'mon AJ, we best get moving if we're gonna find the others before the day is out: Discord's probably already looking for us." She dreaded what would happen if he found them, so she cast the thought aside from her mind.

"No complaints from me, Twi, this tree's starting ta creep me out, what'd ya call it again? A Tumtum tree?"

"Er... a baobab," said Twilight absently, then bolted her head round to look squarely at her earth pony friend. "Did you say Tumtum?"

"Yeah, so? Not all of us have a university education ya know," said Applejack defensively.

"No no, I mean that's exactly what the Cheshire Cat said would happen!
"So rested she, by the Tumtum tree, and lay a while in thought. I-I wonder how the story ends..."

"You okay sugarcube?" asked Applejack, seeing Twilight's fretful face and putting a comforting hoof on her shoulder.

"I'll be fine," returned the unicorn, sniffing and looking in a vaguely promising direction. "Let's try over there."

"Just half a cup," said Rainbow Dash, as Pinkie took out a knife and sliced the teacup in two.

"Here you are," chirped Pinkie, handing it to her friend. She was back to her old self, despite being threatened with losing her head but a day ago. "Sugar?"

"Minus one please, I'm on a diet," returned the pegasus.

Pinkie nodded and placed a spoon into the tea, to withdraw it laden with sugar. Kicking her legs back with her own tea she began to muse.

"Tell me, what's the difference between a cupcake, teacake, a cup of tea or a cup of cake?"

"You can only drink the tea?" offered the pegasus. Pinkie looked thoughtful.

"But what if I were to freeze the tea?" she asked. "Then you could eat it."

Rainbow scratched her head, then decided, "Perhaps it's that a cup of tea is the only one that isn't made of cake." She looked smugly triumphant.

"But what if the teacup were made of cake?"

"Then it'd be a cup of cake, or even a cup of teacake."

Twilight Sparkle and Applejack heard the entirety of the riveting discussion as they approached the two mares.

"No room, no room!" they chanted upon sight of the ponies approaching their table.

"Please, enough nonsense," said Twilight in a bored voice, "I need your help."

The two mares immediately shut up and put their heads together. A few seconds later, Rainbow raised her head. "Why?"

"Given from what I've seen, why do you two need a reason at all?" countered Twilight.

"Touché," admitted Rainbow.

"Hold on! What's that?" asked Pinkie excitedly, pointing at the shiny something that was conveniently poking out of the saddle bag Applejack was carrying.

"Oh, it's nothing, really. Like, really," said Twilight in an enticing voice.

Pinkie bounced up from her seat and hopped over to Applejack. She examined the shiny something closely then placed a curious hoof upon the handle, just as Twilight had planned.

"What does it dooooo..." Pinkie began before her legs buckled and she fell face first into the thick blue grass.

"What happened?" asked Rainbow, approaching her now unusually docile friend. "Is she okay?" The pegasus poked at Pinkie's rump through the tailcoats a few times, then glanced first to Twilight, then to the table, then to Applejack. "Tea..." she muttered, "Tea... tea usually fixes things."

"Tea?" questioned Applejack.

"Don't even ask," sighed Twilight, "I think I've had enough tea for a lifetime."

"Here, have this," said Rainbow, offering Pinkie some very strong earl grey by pouring it into her open mouth.

The pink pony's tongue licked her lips at the taste and her eyes shot open. "Huh? Where am I?" She pulled herself up and took a sweeping glance around. With a puzzled expression she removed her top hat and her eyes lit up when she saw the '10/6.' "Oh boy! I'm in a crossover; I love crossovers!"

Applejack and Twilight's eyes met, and mutually decided to let it slide.

"What have you done to her?" asked Rainbow worriedly.

"What are you talking about, Rainbow?" bubbled Pinkie, "Isn't this exciting?! We can go and meet the Queen of Hearts and make her mad and–"

"It's the King, Pinkie, and he's Discord. We're also past what could be described as 'mad,' more... murderous, I suppose."

"Well that doesn't sound fun at all," said Pinkie, literally deflating as well as figuratively.

"Turn her back. Please, I'm scared," said Rainbow, the teapot in her hooves trembling slightly.

With thoughtful intent, Applejack strode over to the pegasus. "Now look here sugarcube, all ya gotta do is touch that there sword and–"

"Nononono!" shouted Rainbow, backing away rapidly. "It's a trap!"

"Ah promise it's perfectly fine!" called Applejack, taking the sword and following the blue mare.

"So, which character are you, Twilight?" asked Pinkie conversationally, while Applejack chased a panicking blue pony, brandishing the sword.

"I don't understand the question," said Twilight, wanting nothing more than for this to be over and to have a nice, peaceful night's sleep. It was quite a contrast to the reality, as a shrieking blur whisked past her, with a snorting earth pony galavanting in tow.

"Well, have you been sitting on a mushroom or smoking anything recently?"

"I don't think so, but all things considered, I actually hope I've been smoking something so this might all be a hallucination–"

There was a loud crashing sound of broken china as Rainbow attempted to vault the table, and failed.

"So you're not the Caterpillar. Um... how about rabbit holes, fell down any of them recently?"

"Y-yes actually."

"Ahhh," said Pinkie, realisation spreading over her face like butter over bread.

"STOP CHASING ME YOU MANIAC! DON'T MAKE ME USE THE TEA!"

Something in Twilight's brain snapped. Whirling around, she took control of the situation before her. With her magic, she halted Rainbow Dash in her tracks. It was no mean feat, and with hooves flailing, the blue pony struggled valiantly against the magical grip, but Twilight won out, and Applejack poked her with the blunt side of the sword.
Rainbow went limp instantly and actually fell asleep as the sword flared brightly.

"Uh, Twi? She's gone and fell asleep."

"Well of course she has, she's Rainbow," said Twilight, chuckling.

Taking a sprig of grass from the ground, Applejack tickled Rainbow's nose, causing the blue mare to giggle.

"Hahaha! AJ! Stop it!" she laughed. "Where am I?"

"You are... somewhere– possibly Whitetail Wood," said Twilight, looking at the scenery.

"More importantly: what the hell is this?" she exclaimed, pulling at the scruffy rabbit costume she was wearing.

"You can ask Discord that the next time we see him."

"Discord?!" She leapt up into the air, tearing off her costume. "What's he doing this time?"

"It's too long to explain, but you'll see soon enough."

Rainbow looked over to the table under the tree. "Uh, what's with all the teapots and stuff on the table?"

"Like I said, too much to explain," replied Twilight, preparing to leave again. "But you spent a long long time sitting at it."

"But I don't even like tea," Rainbow murmured as Twilight gave her a nudge in the direction of the Caterpillar.

Rarity was lounging around on her mushroom as the world slipped by, not much caring for her existence, just as she liked it. She took a draw of smoke and blew some pretty rings in the air, whilst thinking of nothing more than how she was a little peckish.
She heard a far away rustling sound in the distance as she slunk off her enormous fungi, and fancied hearing a few irritable voices on the air; but then again she fancied many things, chief among which were some flowers that were growing nearby. Picking up the hookah awkwardly with her magic, the fabulous mare stumbled through the undergrowth to her destination.

"So, what were we taking about?" asked Scootaloo.

"I swear it was around here somewhere," said Twilight apologetically, cantering through the thick vegetation, looking for her goal.

"I'm bored," complained Pinkie.

"And ah'm hungry," said Applejack, eyeing up a nearby apple tree like the connoisseur she was and bucking it hard, causing the leaves to all rustle as one and several apples fell gracefully to the ground– and onto Rainbow's head.

"Ow! AJ, that hurt!" said the pegasus irritably.

"It's not like I planned it ta fall on yer head, Rainbow!" countered Applejack.

"Shhh!" said Twilight, so forcefully it shut them up. "I can't concentrate with you two bickering."

In the silence that fell, Twilight could hear a voice to her left.

"So, what were we talking about?"

Rarity licked her lips at the sight of such delectable looking flowers. The fact that they were talking meant little to her in the face of such tastiness.

"Oh hey!" called Applebloom, "What's your name?"

"I?" said Rarity, "I am the Caterpillar."

At the word 'caterpillar,' the three girls shivered and looked at each other fearfully, backing away as much as a rooted thing can.

Sweetie Belle took the initiative to shout "Help!" and it turned out to be a life-saving decision, because four mares crashed through the branches to arrive at the scene.

"Rarity, no!" yelled Applejack, looking up at the flowers. "One of 'em's my sister!"

"Well, I can hardly help that now, can I?" said Rarity distantly as she gazed longingly at the flowers.

"But one's your sister too!" the earth pony bellowed, losing her head.

"I– my sister..." said a puzzled Rarity, still eyeing the flowers longingly.

"Urgh, forget this fancy-schmancy talking: that's more your thing Twi. I'm a mare of action."

Rainbow, catching the drift of where Applejack was going, gave a devilish grin and tossed Applejack the vorpal sword. Rarity shrieked at the sight of the lethal blade, and ran.

"Gosh-darnit, not this again," sighed the cowpony.

Pinkie Pie whipped out a bag of popcorn from the aether and began munching on it as she cheered on Applejack.

"Come on AJ! Get her, get her!"

Holding onto the sword with her tail, the earth pony launched herself less than gracefully into the air, and landed on top of her unicorn friend. There was a tangled mess of orange and white as the two tumbled across the ground, sword swinging ominously. When they eventually came to a halt, it became clear that Applejack had won out, bearing over her struggling unicorn friend with a triumphant expression; taking the sword, she shoved it roughly into Rarity's hoof. As expected, Rarity calmed down as her eyes glazed over, though whether this was due to the magic the sword possessed, or more simply the alluring glowing shininess of the weapon was unclear. What was clear, however, was that the fashionista was most likely enraptured with both.

"Hello girls," she said slightly blearily, tearing her eyes off the sword. "Wh-wh–"

"Where are ya?" Applejack offered helpfully.

"No no; what's this terrible taste in my mouth?" she asked, nose wrinkled and tongue stuck out in mild disgust.

"Probably this do-hicky," said Rainbow Dash, prodding the fallen hookah, which had been lying, forlorn and forgotten on the ground, and was now glad that someone was paying it some attention again.

"I've been smoking that?!" exclaimed the white unicorn, "Goodness, what in Celestia's good name possessed me to take up smoking of all things?"

"Because that's what the writer of the first story told the writer of this story to do," explained Pinkie, in the manner a mare tells a foal that one plus one equals two.

"I uh..." began Rarity, but was distracted by her delayed recognition of the hardy perennials that were her sister and her two friends. "Sweetie Belle... f-flower... I don't even..." and then she fainted.

"We're not that ugly are we?" asked Applebloom, disheartened at Rarity's reaction to them.

"No, it's just not every day you see your sister as a flower," interjected Twilight, bringing forth logic into the conversation.

"Anyway, how are we gonna wake her up?" asked Rainbow, looking at the inanimate mare lying in front of them.

"We're not," said Applejack shortly, grabbing her friend's fabulous tail in her mouth and dragging her across the ground.

"Is that the best idea?" asked Twilight concernedly, "You know how Rarity gets if she gets mud on her."

"That's none of mah concern when the world is bein' threatened by chaos!" snorted Applejack through a mouthful of tail.

Twilight conceded it was a very good point and so guided the party onwards, back to Discord's castle.