2.
Backstory Derp
Somewhere over the Rainbow, between Sesame Street and Carmen Sandiego’s hideout, stood the magical land of Equestria, a peaceful realm ruled by princess Celestia, whose divine powers could bring the sun to rise every morning and the moon to shine at least once a month. It was also a remarkable tourist spot: the Laws of Nature always used to take a vacation there.
As far-fetched as it might sound, every natural events in that mystic princessdom were caused by the ponies’ doing. Flying ponies known as Pegasi roamed the blue skies, rounding up clouds to make it rain, unicorns used their magic talents to instil the seasonal change, and plain old earth ponies were left with manual labours such as cleaning up the snowy remains of winter for the Season of Love to arise (usually all the while singing about it for no apparent reason).
One of the most ungratefully, un-epical, boring jobs an earth pony could possibly not wish for, was rock farming. Why would anyone try to harvest minerals is a riddle whose solution has eluded the most brilliant minds in all of Equestria (specifically That Pony With The Magic Horn and some random goat by the name of Bill who just happened to pass by), but none of them could ever figure out the answer to such an arcane tradition of probable pointlessness. That is, until the day the fatal question was finally asked to the right person.
“Ehi, Pinkie Pie?”
“Oh hya, Twilight!”
“Hi… Uhm, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for sometime now.”
“She’s hiding in my closet.”
“Oh she’s hi-- wait, what?”
“Carmes Sandiego! She’s been hiding inside my closet this whole time! That’s why nobody could ever find her! It’s a funny story, really… you see, there was this tremendous party once and she was there with Waldo and everyone got drunk and everything…”
“No, stop it. Just stop… that’s not what I wanted to ask you.”
“OH! I’m sorry, I don’t know where Sesame Street is. You should ask that Big Bird guy about it!”
“I… I just wanted to know why did your family use to farm rocks?”
“Why, how else are you gonna make stones out of ‘em, silly?!”
There was no follow-up to that answer. On the other hand, there were several follow-up questions about Sesame Street.
Before turning into That Pony Who Never Stops Being Pinkie Pie, our little party-lover was The Pony Formerly Known As Pinkamena, a country-side filly from a rock farming community (as unlikely as it might sound). Her entire childhood revolved on joyless work, boring rock gatherings and early morning wakes. Her mane was flat and her eyes were drenched in perpetual sadness.
Then, it happened. A miracle occurred. An event of such unpredictable force and beauty that many ponies considered it to be a make-believe fairy tale (and coming from a world made of talking equines and various magical McGuffins, that really said something). A rainbow-coloured explosion filled the sky, waving its way through all of Equestria. It was a Sonic Rainboom, a mythical occurrence said to be ignited by a Pegasus who managed to break the Speed of Sound during a flight; that’s what the legends say, at least.
As Pinkamena’s gaze froze itself over the magnificence of such miraculous rainbow goodness, her previously flat mane inflated itself like a balloon and her sad expression turned into one of pure, unaltered glee. That Sonic Rainboom gave her happiness and she would have dedicated her life to make other ponies feel that very same way. Thus, from that day onward, she became Pinkie Pie, the (quote-unquote) super duper extra super bestest party thrower in all of Equestria.
Incidentally, a few years later she would move into the fair town of Ponyville, where she would meet up with a certain Pegasus girl… but that’s another story.
Tuesday morning.
Pinkie Pie was awake for just a few hours. The morning star was already up in the sky, yet her bedroom was still engulfed in semi-darkness. She was staring herself at the mirror, with the small light from a bulb to make her features recognizable. Her mane was flat once again and her eyes seemed to portray a heavy tiredness that was burdening her very soul. She stood there, watching her less cheerful self for sometime. Then she took a long breath and exhaled into her hooves, thus successfully inflating her mane once more. She smiled at herself quite cheerfully, trying so hard to be the Pinkie Pie everyone knew and loved, including herself. Strangely, though, her reflection did not smile back, in fact, it tried to grab her neck and choke her to death while yelling “I’m am you!” or “Not even Rainbow Dash can save you, this time!” and other such one-liners.
Unfortunately for the dramatic development, this day-mare was abruptly interrupted by a certain loud noise from outside. After the scarified, tear-jerking pony girl managed somehow to remember how to inhale air into her lungs, she tremblingly headed towards her window and opened it. She closed it. She opened it again. She closed it once more. She rubbed her eyes, pinched herself with Gummy’s toothless mouth, realized the lack of practicality of the gesture, had breakfast, brushed her teeth, suddenly remembered about what was going on outside and then, re-opened the window one final time.
Horribly cute giant kitten heads of Doom were attacking the village with eye lasers and adorable meows. On an unrelated note, it was a sunny morning.
“I knew this would happen… my twitching combos are never wrong!” She said to herself, right before falling asleep once again for feeble comedic purposes.
Her baby alligator was still trying to chew her tail off, to no avail.