The Midlife Crisis of an Extra-planar Being
What is an extra-planar being, you might ask? Well, up until recently I would have told you that it was someone who is visiting a plane that he or she is not native to. Traveling between planes is not unheard of. With the use of powerful spells it is quite simple to open doors to these places. It is important to note that almost all physical planes are connected to the four elemental planes of Earth, Water, Fire, and Air. Why am I going into all of this? Well, my name is Zircom. I am a Silver Dragon from Faerun, and a resident of Waterdeep, and I am an extra-planar being.
It was winter in Waterdeep, quite possibly the only dragon-friendly city as long as you stay shape shifted. Being a huge dragon in a city for smaller races can be quite troublesome. I’m actually a bit small for a dragon of my age. I stand at a stout fourteen feet with a body length of just over fifty three feet long. I’m also a bit thin, not scrawny by any sense, eight feet wide to be precise. I make up for being lean with a magnificent wing span of seventy five glorious feet. Add some brilliant silver scales all over, two smooth swept back horns on my head, and a solid single scale plate on my face. I would dare to say I am quite the handsome beast.
Anyway, I was growing tired of the monotony of my world. Constant reports of wars, plagues, rogue wizards, lost treasures, and the end of the world can become quite tiring. I wanted excitement in my own life; true, genuine excitement. I had heard bard’s tales of great adventurers charging into the Underdark to quell Drow attacks, brave souls who entered Stone Tooth Mountain in hopes of reclaiming the lost treasures of the once great Dwarven stronghold.
In my time I have had chances to meet some of these incredible individuals. One in particular was a green Half Dragon named Jorven. I remember his stories of how he and his group went into the Drow city of Merimidria, killed the White Banshee, and then defeated Kurgoth Bloodscream and the balor Badrazel. I wanted nothing more than to embark on a great adventure of my own. I have been alive for one hundred and seven years and what have I done? Sure I trained in the art of healing magic, and became quite good at it. And yes, I often spend a good deal of time at the local church offering my healing services to any who require it. I was proficient enough to learn spells from the sixth tier, making me a highly sought after individual. While most would be put off by the idea of a ten ton dragon being your healer, you would be surprised how little people care of what you look like when you are saving their life.
It was Jorven who gave me a bit of inspiration. He suggested many things; recover lost artifacts, defeat members of the Nine Hells, become a champion of Bahamut, or even travel the elemental planes. It was the last one that grabbed my interest. Perhaps I could travel the planes to discover a new world. Such things were only the products of great wizards. They usually involve crossing the elemental planes, or sometimes the more dangerous ones. There are, theoretically, limitless other worlds connected to each of the elemental planes. The thought that I could discover a new world made me feel… excited. I thanked Jorven for his advice and set out for another friend of mine who could make this wild fantasy into reality.
The man I had in mind was an Ultimate Magus at the University of Candle Keep, his name was Professor Rubric. If there was a stereotype for old wizards, then he was it. He was an elderly human who wore beautiful elven silk robes and the trademark pointy hat. Dear Bahamut, that hat. It was a truly magnificent hat. It was the hat of a man who could look at you and make your wildest wish possible, or he could teleport your liver to the ethereal plane and then incinerates you with a snap of his fingers. It all depends on whether or not he had his morning tea.
Luckily for me, he had.
I landed in the university courtyard with all the grace of a ten ton dragon. The magicians who were intently reading their tomes did not appreciate the wind storm I kicked up with my wings. Deciding to limit their disdain for me, I quickly assumed the shape of a middle aged human and quickly walked inside the great hall. Inside were young magicians focusing on their studies, blissfully ignorant to the magical being that just stepped into their school. Now, if I were a red dragon I would have set this whole damn place on fire in the blink of an eye.
While I was lost in that little train of thought, I barely noticed the young magister walk up and address me.
“Um, excuse me sir. Is there something I can help you with?”
I directed my attention toward the owner of the voice. A particularly scrawny elf was looking at me with a look of ‘Please spare my life’.
“Why yes, you can. Please tell your Professor Rubric that the scaly silver bastard is here to see him.” I said as calmly as possible.
With his instructions given, the little mage ducked away and hurried toward a stairwell. I couldn't help but wonder why he seemed so afraid of me.
“Did he see me land as a dragon? Does he know who or what I am? I wonder if I can get some dinner in the cafeteria tonight…”
“Well, if it isn't the scaly silver bastard himself!”
That was all it took to break my thought train. I knew that voice, it was the voice of a great wizard who commanded respect from all and would tolerate nothing less.
“Nine hells! You look like a balor used your face for a loin cloth!” I shouted with a look of shock.
At that point I could tell all eyes in the room were on me. With a stern look on his face he slowly walked up to me until he was not but a foot away. His eyes meeting mine in an intense stare. I was unsure of what to do. On one hand, I knew I hadn’t offended him, seeing as we have called each other much worse names. On the other, I had just said that in front of most of the college. I saw only one way to find out.
“If you’re going to kiss me I would ask that you not use any tongue.” I said with a matched stone-faced expression.
That was all it took. He broke down and started laughing uncontrollably before pulling me into a hug, which I happily returned.
“Zircom my friend, to what do I owe the honor of having you visit my school?” he said after finally breaking the embrace.
“Well, I was hoping you could help me with something. I seem to be having what you humans could call a midlife crisis.”
Rubric looked at me with a keen eye. Trying to determine what I was going to say before I said it.
“Could we talk about this in your office? I don’t think everyone here needs to hear me complain about my life.” Rubric only nodded and led me toward his office.
Our journey to his office took us up three flights of stairs, across two towers, under the courtyard, and then back up one more tower. It seemed quite unnecessary for it to be that complicated.
“Rubic… there has got to be an easier way to get around the school.” I complained.
“Ah, but there is. We simply teleport around so we can avoid the confusing maze of corridors and stairs.” He said with a grin as he sat down on his office chair.
“I get that, but why not just make the building layout less confusing so you don’t have to teleport everywhere?” I responded, slightly exasperated.
He shrugged, “We’re magicians, not architects. Deal with it.”
“Stupid smart ass wizards.” I swore at him in draconic.
“I understood that.”
“Fuck…”
With that out of the way I took a seat across from him at his desk.
“So,” he began “what brings you to Candle Keep? It’s not every day that a dragon drops in and then asks for me by name to help him with his midlife crisis.”
I had to stifle a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, well… here I am… Look Rubric, I really need your help on this one and I would rather come to you than go to her…” Rubric raised an eyebrow as I visibly shuddered
.
“Who are you talking abo…” his eyes suddenly went wide with understanding. “Oh, you mean…HER… don’t you?” I could only nod in silent confirmation.
“Well what is it you need first off?” I instantly perked up from the feeling of dread.
“I was hoping you could lend me a few scrolls.”
“Oh? And just what kind of scrolls were you hoping for?” Rubric said as he reclined in his chair while conjuring a cup of hot tea.
“Oh nothing too special… just four scrolls of Planar Shift…” at that last part he shot straight up and nearly choked on his tea.
“Nine hells man! Why does this midlife crisis involve four Planar Shift scrolls?” he nearly shouted between coughing fits.
I needed a believable explanation quickly. “I was planning on taking a vacation to the elemental plane of air. You know endless sky, perfect thermal gusts, nice flat clouds, the perfect flying conditions!” He wasn’t buying it… at all.
“Uh huh…” I wasn’t getting out of this one.
“Okay, okay… yes I want to go to the plane of air, but I want to discover a new world attached to it. I want something more in my life than just sitting in Waterdeep and listening to bard’s songs. I want one of those songs to be about me and how I managed to find some new and exciting world!” I was sitting on the edge of my chair and gripping the edge of the desk with nervousness. Then a thought crept into my mind.
“I could always ask Rose for help.” I said with a sly grin.
I had never seen such an old man move so quickly as he lunged across the desk and grabbed my shirt collar. “Shhhhhh! Don’t say her name so loud!” He finally released my shirt and sat back down with a slight glare.
“Fine… you win.” He said as he threw his arms in the air. I began cheering mentally, of which I’m certain Rubric picked up on somehow.
“But I am not going to give you the scrolls.”
“Wait what…”
“Wait what?! I thought you said you would help me!” I pleaded with him.
Now it was his turn to laugh. “Indeed I did, but just handing you four scrolls would be too easy. I want you to do something for me. It’s simple really.” He said as he pulled a small box from his desk. “This ring has the Planar Shift spell enchanted into it six times. I want you to test it for me.”
“Okay… what else do you want?” He looked almost hurt by the statement. Almost.
“Why would you think I would want something more from you?”
I glared at him.
“Oh all right… Should you succeed in your endeavor I simply ask that you bring me anything that you find of interest.” He was almost pouting by this point.
“So I need to test your untested magical dimension hopping ring and, if it doesn’t kill me, bring back a souvenir. Anything else?”
He thought on it for a moment. “No, that will do.” He stood up from his seat and handed me the ring box. I stood up as well and accepted the small jewelry box, peeking inside at the gold and ruby ring within. It was shinny and, being a dragon, I really like shinny stuff.
As I began to walk for the door I remembered one last very important question to ask him.
“Hey Rubric,” he looked up at me from his desk “Can I get something from the cafeteria before I go?” He gave me a look of ‘Do I look like I give a damn?’ and that was it.
Five dead ends, three mages asked for directions, nine staircases, and thirty minutes later I managed to find the cafeteria. Getting the meal was much easier than getting to the meal. With a nice dinner of roasted veal, dwarven stout ale, and elven cherry pie I was ready for my midlife crisis adventure to begin.
I went back out to the courtyard and took out the ring box and opened the lid. The ring gave off a lovely golden glow in the magical light that illuminated the courtyard. I slid the ring onto my right hand and put the box away. I took one last glance at my surrounding before focusing on the ring. With a single thought a door to the plane of air opened just in front of me. Deciding I was ready I threw myself into the door, moving off of the physical world of Faerun and into the plane of air.
One thing to note about the plane of air; it is made only of air, there is no ground. So if you do not have a way of flying you will die of starvation as you fall for eternity. This also made me remember something equally important; humans don’t have natural flight capabilities. Dropping my disguise, I returned to my true form and spread my wings in a free fall. I was enjoying my dive, it was exhilarating being able to fall and not worry about hitting the ground. It was no wonder that this plane was a favorite of magical flying creatures. Not thinking to pull up first, I decided to open a dimension door to a random plane. As long as it wasn’t some horrible plane of undead or jesters I would begin my adventure. There was a flash as the door formed just in front of my nose.
Now it is important to also note one last thing: while the plane of air is just one big open sky, orientation does matter. In my case, going straight down and opening a portal to another world was a dumb idea; a really dumb one. I came out the other side at terminal velocity only about two hundred feet above the surface of a small lake. Realizing my horrible error, I tried to air brake and loose some of my momentum.
It didn't work.
I slammed into the water hard enough to produce a splash that was more of a tsunami than anything. The impact with the water had seriously dazed me. I found myself resting on the bottom of the lake in a very comfy crater of mud. I could look up and see the surface of the water had dropped a good four feet since my impact. I’m certain someone noticed my stupid ass hitting the lake. Deciding to take a look around I kicked off the lake bed and poked my head and neck above the water’s surface.
Around me were trees. Lots of trees. Apple trees to be exact. The ones closest to the epicenter of my arrival had all their leaves blown off as well as all their fruit. A few were even at odd angles from the massive amount of water that impacted them. The ones further back were more fortunate. Most had kept their foliage and fruit and were instead dripping wet.
It was odd. These trees were organized in such a way that it could have been an orchard. If I was in an orchard, then it meant this world had intelligent life.
“Huh… an apple orchard.” I mused to myself looking around at each tree. “Well, I should be long gone before the orchard owner finds this little mess…” That would have been a best case scenario. Sadly this was not going to be a best case scenario.
“What the hay happened to mah apple trees?!” shouted a strangely feminine voice. Stranger still, how was she speaking perfect common?
I was considering moving my wings and flying away, but the orange hat wearing pony glaring at me from the bank of the lake made an unnoticed escape quite impossible. However, I was able to deadpan a single semi-intelligent statement.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”
I had found a new world. And I had also pissed it off in less than twelve minutes. This adventure is off to a great start.