//------------------------------// // 6. Between Happiness and Sadness // Story: Dysphoria, Arc 2: Ponyville // by thedarkprep //------------------------------// 6. Between Happiness and Sadness Octavia and Vinyl shared a hug at the train station. Octavia had arrived thirty minutes early for her train back to Canterlot and had already checked her luggage in. However, she had opted to wait the extra time on the platform rather than in the warmth of her compartment in order to postpone farewells to the last possible moment. “You have got to come to Canterlot sometime, Vinyl. It’ll be months before I can come back to Ponyville but that does not mean that’s the next time we have to see each other,” said Octavia. “Yeah, I know. I’ll try. If anything I’ll go just to yell at your boss for keeping you in Canterlot from the Summer Sun Celebration till now.” The two mares let the hug go, having had finished their goodbyes, and Octavia turned to look at Rose, who had been awkwardly standing to their right. Rose looked at Octavia as if asking for an indication of what to do since she was still unsure of where they stood in their friendship. She did know that they were friends; the few days Octavia had spent in Ponyville had seen to that. At least once a day during her stay, the two mares had sat and talked for hours. Rose had told her the entire story from their last conversation in Canterlot to Octavia’s arrival in Ponyville while Octavia went more in detail about what had occurred in Rose’s absence. The two then reminisced on their school days. Slowly but surely the flame of their friendship rekindled and flared. However, there were a lot of problems that could not be fixed in a single weekend. Octavia carried months of resentment, which would take time and energy to work through. Also, while she acknowledged and accepted Evening Rose, she could not help but grieve the loss of Script, the stallion with whom she had fought the world and would see no more. She knew that Script was not completely gone, that not everything had changed, but it would take some effort to come to grips with that. Effort she was willing to give. As it stood, Rose and Octavia were friends, but only time would tell how close their friendship would be. Octavia took note of the insecurity and raised a hoof, beckoning for Rose to come closer. Rose complied and smiled as she was pulled into a hug. “It was really good to see you Rose,” said Octavia. “I know you won’t want to come and visit, but I expect to see a few letters from the ‘new friend I made in Ponyville’, you hear? No more dropping off the map for months. I know where you live.” “Ok ok, Tavi,” said Rose. “I’m glad I got to see you. I’ll write to you soon.” Octavia broke away from the hug, waving goodbye one more time before heading into the train. Vinyl and Rose stayed at the platform in a silent vigil until the train left. Soon, when they were the only two ponies still at the station, they took their leave. Rose could not help but notice how downcast Vinyl looked as they walked back towards the market. The usual feistiness of the blue-maned dj was gone, and she looked more tired than Rose had ever seen her. “Miss her already, huh?” asked Rose. Vinyl turned her head to face her as they walked. “You have no idea.” “I wouldn’t know about that, but anyway; why don’t you move to Canterlot with her?” “Canterlot society and I don’t really quite mix,” said Vinyl, “I go there to perform quite a bit, but every time I do I find myself rushing to get back. I’m trying to convince her to move to Ponyville with me though, since it’s where she was born and she likes the area, but there’s not really a hall for her to perform in, so it probably wouldn’t work.” The two walked in silence for a bit but Rose was not sure what type of silence it was, so she broke it. “She does like you,” said Rose. Vinyl looked at her, shocked. “What! She does!” continued Rose. “I know how nervous you are around her, trying to win her affection. I’m just letting you know, you have it.” “And how would you know?” asked Vinyl, showing a little more interest than she meant to. “Because she used to look at me the way she looks at you. Because I had years of experience in your position. Because I’m not blind.” These were all things that crossed Rose’s mind but she did not say. She stayed in silence looking for a more tactful answer. “She has certain tells. The quick nuzzle when you two hugged, for example; she’s too proper to do that, no matter how close friends you are, unless she likes you. Or the fact that she decided to stay at your place while she was here.” “It was cheaper for her to stay at a friend’s than to rent a hotel room,” responded Vinyl. Rose stared back at her with an amused look on her face. “Does Octavia strike you as a mare who would give up the comfort of having her own space to save money?” “Um… no…” responded Vinyl. Rose smiled. “She told me once that she hated few things more than staying at somepony’s house because she always felt like she was violating their space. Even if she was welcome, she was a guest and a visitor, and that irked her. The only way she would willingly stay at somepony’s house,” Rose paused for effect, “was if it felt like home.” Vinyl blushed. “I wish I had known you two had known each other since you were fillies, I would’ve asked you for all sorts of advice,” said Vinyl. Rose smiled again. “You seem to be doing ok on your own.” The rest of their trip back to the market square and to their own homes was done in comfortable silence, and Rose could not help but notice the cheerful pep behind every one of Vinyl Scratch’s steps. Once inside her home, Rose started boiling water for enough vegetable soup for two ponies. Once the water was boiled she added the ingredients and lowered the heat to allow the soup to simmer. Afterwards she went upstairs to her work desk, pulling out some parchment and one of her quills. She began to write. To: Octavia Told you I’d write! I hope your trip was pleasant. Also, you should consider moving in with Vinyl. (Just a random thought and not at all because I enjoy when Vinyl is looking nervous) Write back, -Evening Rose Rose stared at the parchment, focusing on how funny it would be when Octavia got home to find the message there rather than focusing on how awkward it was that she was talking to Octavia about her possible future marefriend. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Rose headed downstairs and outside, depositing the letter for Derpy to pick up during her coming shift. Then she headed inside and sat on a chair, having done all she needed to do, alone with her thoughts. It all started well enough, with her thoughts centering on the past weekend. It was good to see Octavia again, and despite everything that happened, it really did look like they would be the friends they used to be. It was also good to see that she had finally managed to move on. This relieved a huge weight of guilt that Rose had not even realized she had been carrying. Octavia deserved somepony that could make her happy. Rose’s thoughts eventually settled on Octavia’s departure. “I know you won’t want to come and visit, but I expect to see a few letters from the ‘new friend I made in Ponyville’, you hear?” “No, I guess I won’t…” thought Rose. She looked out the window, seeing the same grey clouds from earlier. Rose had never really thought of returning to Canterlot; she could not after what happened, but it always seemed like it was something out of her control. That’s not what Octavia said, though. She did not say ‘I guess you can’t come visit’ or ‘I guess you won’t come visit’, she had said ‘you won’t want to’ instead. Was she right? Rose thought back to the conversation she had with her on Octavia’s first day back. It had ended in a weird sort of way. “I pity you for what you’ve lost, and what you’ve left behind. You’ve picked a hard life for yourself.” Had she really picked it? She knew she had not picked being trans. She would not be if she had any choice in the matter. But had hiding in Ponyville been a choice? After she recovered she could have gone back, told the police, done something. But she did not. Had she chosen exile? “What did Octavia call it?” thought Rose, trying to remember. “A sacrifice?” “I hope all the sacrifice was worth it.” What had she sacrificed? Her old home of course, but… that had been taken away. Her friendship? Rose had not even thought of Octavia since she arrived at Ponyville. All of Canterlot seemed so shut off from her, and yet, had that been because she chose to shut it off? Octavia was right: she could have easily written to her, explained the situation, asked for information, but she had not. She had forgotten Canterlot, imagining what was going on in the city without ever attempting to check, forgetting about the one friendship that had any worth to her in her past. Had she chosen isolation? “If so, to what end?” Rose asked herself. Why would she choose to sacrifice as much as she had? Was it to leave the past behind her? To forget? To try to live her new life as a transpony… “No!” she shouted out loud. That was not the end of the thought, but she had been shaken by her own choice of words. “Not my life as a transpony,” thought Rose. “My life as a mare. I am a mare.” “Am I really?” Doubt crept in with the old question that resurfaced from time to time. “With my body?” she thought. “Can I really be a mare? Not even my friends see me as such.” She stopped for a second, caught unaware by her own thought. She had never had that thought before, and she was not quite sure from where within her mind it had come, but it was not wrong. “Every friend I have knows I’m trans,” she thought. “And as loving, and accepting, and supportive as they are, they don’t see me as a mare, they know what I am.” She thought back to the application she had filled out and cast a glance at the mirror by the stairs. “Cursed to live between the boxes.” A knock at the door distracted her from her thoughts. She walked to the door and opened it, immediately brightening as she saw her guest. Airheart and Rose laughed, having finished their dinner. The empty bowls sat stacked at the edge of a table, with the soup’s serving dish near empty, as was the salad’s serving dish that Airheart had brought with her. “And then she said, ‘I just don’t know what went wrong’, as if she hadn’t done it on purpose!” Airheart said, starting another bout of laughter. Rose struggled to regain her breath enough to speak. “I bet… I bet Rainbow Dash learnt something… about taking muffins that don’t belong to her!” Rose finally finished. “She would’ve had she known what she was getting punished for. Or that she was being punished and this wasn’t Derpy being herself,” responded Airheart. They each took in a deep breath. “Well, I guess I should be going,” Airheart said, grabbing the rest of her salad. “I have work tomorrow morning and so I should go get some sleep.” “Of course; knowing Rainbow you’ll need all the energy you can get,” said Rose while walking her out. Once they arrived at the doorway Airheart gave Rose a quick hug before saying her goodbye. “I had a lot of fun, Rose. Thank you for having me.” “It’s no problem at all! We need to do this more often, though,” replied Rose. “Indeed we do,” said Airheart. “Also, I want to apologize for how I treated you on your first day on the job.” Rose looked at her inquiringly. “There’s no need.” “No, there is,” replied Airheart. “Look, I treated you badly because I wasn’t ok with who you were. In fact, the only reason I went up to you on your second day was because I felt like I had to after we got that talk about your situation and about not discriminating against you and being considerate. But…Once I got to know you, I realized that I was being stupid for judging you just because you’re trans. You’re an awesome pony and I’m really sorry I judged you for however briefly I did.” Rose was near speechless but managed to say a few words. “That’s ok, Airheart… I forgive you.” Airheart gave Rose a quick smile before heading off. “See you on your work day!” “… Yeah, see you.” Rose went back inside and closed the door, letting the implication of what she had just heard wash over her. “She knows,” thought Rose. “They all know…” Tears began to form in Rose’s eyes. “Perfect…” The night sky glistened with starlight as Rose walked down the backstreets of Ponyville, her hoofsteps disturbing the otherwise serene quiet. There was no moon tonight and the wind was cold and bitter, rustling against Rose’s jacket, her scarf flowing in the draft. She was feeling the cold soak through her clothing, the icy wind slicing at any exposed bit of flesh, but she still considered the harsh conditions perfect for two reasons. The first was that it would keep other ponies in their homes and far away from her. The second was that it complimented her mood. Rose had spent about thirty minutes in her home reflecting on what Airheart had revealed. “What do you know?” she asked herself. “All of my friends know I’m trans. I was excited because I made one friend that didn’t. Turns out she did. Turns out the entire weather team knows. There was a meeting of some sort telling them about me and to be nice to me. That means that every single one present at that meeting knows. Based on how Airheart acted, they weren’t told the meeting was a secret, or that me being trans was a secret. That means that they could’ve told anypony they know in town about it.” She paused to think before realizing the last thing she knew. “Anypony could know.” Rose had struggled to make herself more visible recently, talking to strangers and being friendly. They had been friendly back; there were no weird stares, no confusion, just the conversations between the pony she was talking to and a mare. She had taken it as a sign that she was passing, that things were fine, that they thought her a normal mare. She was living her life as a mare. And yet, the meeting had been about a month ago, meaning that every pony she had talked to since then knew or could know. She snarled at herself. She knew it was dumb to think this way, making a difference between those who genuinely believed her to be a mare and those who were accepting, supportive, and indulging. But it mattered to her. It made all the difference in the world. She wanted to not be stuck between the boxes; she wanted to be a mare, and now she would be cemented as an “other” in the minds of those in Ponyville. She would not be Evening Rose the mare; she would be the transpony named Evening Rose. She felt the walls closing in as she glanced into the mirror. “I need to leave,” she said. “I need to leave before I do something I regret.” And so she had left her home to try clear her mind, but she could not escape her thoughts. All through Ponyville she found ponies walking around, all of them waved. Rose had made it a point to talk to the residents of Ponyville, trying desperately to finally join the community as one of its own. Every pony she saw waving was one she had talked to in the past month, after the meeting. “How many of them know? Do all of them? Do none of them? Do they see me as a mare? Or are they just ‘understanding’ and nice?” These were the thoughts she thought to herself as she walked. After a few minutes of it, she had gone home. Now it was different; she could walk in solitude without any reminders of what she faced, just the dark bitter cold. She could handle that. She walked around aimlessly for hours in the night, stopping occasionally to look at the stars, or cry, or sit depending on what she felt like doing at that minute. Eventually though, she began to calm down. “Rose, you’re being stupid,” she said, exhausted both physically and mentally. “Yeah, things aren’t how you want them to be, but you can’t freak out again. Things are ok for you here, even if everypony knows.” With her rage gone, she finally began to feel the full force of the wind, chilling her bones. She took a backstreet, and headed home. Or at least she would have had her path not been blocked. “What do we have here?” said a grey stallion was standing in front of her. He seemed to be an earth pony but Rose could not be sure. Due to the darkness she could not see his back to check for wings, nor see any identifying cutie marks. “It’s a little late to be walking around don’t you think?” He got closer. Rose tensed up, readying to flee. That was when she noticed a pegasus landing behind her. “Don’t try to run now, I really don’t want to hurt a filly,” he said. The earth pony laughed. “Filly? Oh, you haven’t heard about this one then?” Rose turned to stare at the earth pony; there was a grin on his face. “This one is not a mare at all, are you, freak?” Rose tried to place the face; if he knew about her she might have met him, but the darkness made it hard to see and she did not have much time. “Oh, well, then I have no problem hurting you,” said the pegasus. Rose steadied herself. The earth pony charged but she easily avoided him by flying above him. The pegasus, however, flew on top of her, kicking her to the ground. Rose hit the ground hard, quickly recovering and turning around. The pegasus was nearby and Rose charged at him, turning at the last second and delivering a well-placed kick to the pegasus’ face. The earth pony charged again, hitting Rose in her middle. She landed on her back and saw the pony about to stomp on her chest. She was faster, though, and turned out of the stomp, hitting him in the stomach in the process. However, the pegasus had recovered, tackling her from behind and pinning her to the ground. The earth pony came to stand next to her, spitting at her face. “You know, we just wanted to take whatever bits you happened to have on you, but now we find we’re going to need to teach you some respect,” he stomped down hard on the ground right in front of Rose’s face. Rose struggled but was unable to move. “We are not the type to let some drag queen transvestite thing take a shot at us without learning a lesson,” he continued. “Less so, some girly little fairy like you…” There was steel in his voice as he finished his sentence, raising his hoof above Rose’s head and preparing to strike down. Rose looked up at him; he was bleeding. “At least I did some damage,” she thought as she readied for the strike. Then she heard a sound. Looking up she saw the earth pony lying on floor struggling to get up. In his place was a muscular beige earth pony with a brown mane. The new pony charged at the pegasus, throwing him off Rose and onto the ground. Rose got up, ready to fight, but new stallion moved in front of her. “You two! You are to pick your sorry flanks up, leave, and pray we never cross paths again,” he said. The two assailants looked confused, angry, and… scared. Yes, Rose recognized fear in their eyes. She studied the stallion in front of her. She had at first noticed that he was muscular, but there was something else about him, something about the way he stood or the way he had charged two stallions like it was nothing. This stallion knew combat. “You’re seriously going to defend that gelding behind you?” “I’m going to defend her from the likes of you.” The two assailants looked at each other, then ran away. The stallion took a deep breath and relaxed, turning to look at Rose. “Are you ok, miss?” “Yes, yes I am,” said Rose. “Thank you for your help.” “Don’t mention it. You were doing ok by yourself,” he said. “If it’d only been one of them you wouldn’t have needed somepony else.” “What’s your name?” asked Rose. “Oh, I’m Granite Boulder,” he responded. “Well, I’m Evening Rose. I cannot thank you enough, whether you want the thanks or not,” she said. “Again, don’t mention it.” “Well, I should be getting home. Have a fine evening.” Rose began moving home when she was called back. “Wait!” Granite said. “Yes?” “Would you go on a date with me?”