//------------------------------//
// Mysterious energy signal! 
// Story: Obama Goes to Equestria 
// by a human 
//------------------------------//

It was a bright and sunny day. The sunlight poured down in torrents, pausing only when the gods of the land got into petty arguments about who got more attention (for it is in Equestria that our scene lies) and it got blotted out of the sky. It got better.

On this day, everybody was playing around, frolicking, having fun and having various lesbian relationships, possibly incestuous, when something mysterious happened. No, it's not the lack of "everypony." For us normal folk, dignity is not mysterious. It was a needlessly vague energy source forming in the Everfree forest! It crackled and sent out sparks everywhere, until suddenly there was a flash of white light and in the center laid a man, dignified yet hilariously out of place.

A couple of miles away, in a treehouse that, despite the lack of any patronage whatsoever, was apparently a library, an energy detector beeped.

"Twilight, it's another one!" Spike yelled from upstairs. Twilight raced down the stairs as quickly as she could. Then back up. Then back down. Then back up. Twilight was a bit wound up.

"You've got to be kidding me," she said with much panting and irritation. "Where is it this time?"

"Here," Spike said, pointing at some random spot on a radar like display. Twilight walked over to a desk, quickly did some calculus on an abacus, and pulled down a map of Equestria covered with thumbtacks and strings. She took off all the strings, because they were kind of useless, and tacked on another thumbtack, writing down a date and time next to it.

"Dammit…" she grunted, ruffling her hair. "As I feared, they have nothing in common…"

She turned around and noticed Spike was staring at her. "What?"

"Twilight! Language!" he said as if we hadn't read that joke a million times before.

Twilight stared back, annoyed. "Fine, darn it. Why do you care? That word hardly even existed before all this started!" She started teleport spamming. "Besides, do you know how stressful this is?" Poof. "How creepy it is?" Poof. "To have a creature come out of nowhere with an encyclopedic knowledge of you?"

"I get it! I get it!" Spike said, starting to back away. He decided against it, though. Twilight was popping around everywhere, and he didn't want her teleporting inside of him or anything. From what he heard, the results were painful even if your head was still attached afterwards. "I'm sorry. But you know the drill. We have to get the other five."

Twilight stopped. "Oh yeah, I forgot," she said. "I have a duty to spread misery." She walked out the door angrily, except she was on the second floor, which had no door, so she made a door with magic and then jumped out of it angrily. Twilight didn't like stairs.

– – – –

Twilight knocked on the door of Mr. and Mrs. Cake's bakery begrudgingly. She might as well take care of… that one first. The door opened with as much gut wrenching positive energy as possible. Pinkie Pie stared her down the nose.

"Who is it?" Pinkie Pie asked in her usual sickeningly happy demeanor.

"Pinkie! You know it's me!" Twilight yelled back. She was not in the mood for this.

"But you could be some other pony disguised as Twilight!"

"No, I couldn't."

"Prove it."

"You're the only one in town with costumes of us. Like that Fluttershy suit. You know, what's up with that? Why do you have those?"

"Rarity made them. She said she used them in the bedroom."

Twilight vomited a little inside her mouth. She magically teleported some of it to Fluttershy's house. "Oh, really?" she stammered, putting on a disconcertingly fake smile. "That's… nice."

Pinkie Pie clapped. With her hooves. I would say clopped, but, well, y'know. "And now I know it's the real you!" she said.

"What?"

"You always get so uncomfortable when I talk about Rarity's sleeping habits!" Pinkie Pie said, with naivety more forced than this story. "So? What did you want?"

Pinkie's antics had made Twilight completely forget, but this time she was prepared. She unstuck a post it from Spike's forehead, tearing off a couple scales in the process, and read it. "There's another one," she said, remembering what she was talking about. "Oh yeah, another one of those things appeared."

"Awesomelicious!" Pinkie Pie said, her head spinning around like some Lovecraftian abomination. "They always have the best cupcake recipes!"

"Oh, you mean the ones where they're always like ‘no matter what you do, never do this' before it?" Twilight said. "Look, let me just tell you this again. If someone dies during baking, they die in real life."

"It's the thought that counts," Pinkie Pie replied. 

Twilight worried about Pinkie.

With the obligatory Cupcakes reference out of the way, they headed towards Rarity's house. In the background, Derpy made a cameo.

– – – –

Twilight knocked on Rarity's door by smashing Spike against it repeatedly. It had no knocker. It was the only option.

"Come in!" Rarity's muffled voice said through the door.

Twilight put her head up to the door. "What's all that noise in there?" she asked no one in particular, and without any desire to actually know the answer.

Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie obliged. "Oh, Rarity's just having another bachelor party," she said, with a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. "I helped her set up and Fluttershy guilt tripped all these guys into coming!"

"I don't think that's what a bachelor party is," Twilight said.

"Well, they aren't going to be bachelors after the party, silly!" Pinkie Pie replied.

Fluttershy got some more vomit teleported onto her lawn.

"L–Let's just get in there," Twilight said. "Spike, you just stay out here and fantasize about that." He obliged.

Twilight opened the door only to find every room filled to the brim with stallions. She had to wade through them like the house was a giant ball pit. No pun intended. Eventually, she found Rarity sandwiched in between Big Mac and Doctor Hooves. Derpy (or was it Ditzy?) tried to reclaim her lover, but she kept crashing into the window.

"Rarity! Dammit, girl, we need you!" Twilight yelled over the commotion.

"Why?" Rarity whined, as usual. "I'm having a good enough time here, as you can see."

Twilight leaned in closer to Rarity. "Another one of them has appeared," she whispered.

"So?" Rarity said. "Handle it yourselves."

"But Princess Celestia said!" Twilight said. "We all have to welcome them. We're familiar to them. We're the most popular. Doesn't that just stroke your massive, huge ego?"

"No."

"You wouldn't even be getting all this action if it wasn't for that one's idea."

"No means no."

Twilight rolled her eyes and caved. "If you go I'll introduce you to some rich bimbo from Canterlot."

Rarity beamed. "When can we leave?"

Pinkie Pie made out with some random dude.

– – – –

Next was Rainbow Dash, because her house was closer. I think. I don't really know how the town is laid out.

"Hey! Rainbow Dash!" Twilight screamed up to the cloud structure.

"Hey guys! What's up?" Rainbow Dash said as she shoved Scootaloo out of a window.

"Oh my god, what are you doing!?" Rarity yelled, staring at the plummeting pegasus.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Teaching her how to fly," she replied.

"It's basically how I was taught magic," Twilight said, also shrugging.

"Oh, okay then," Rarity said. Scootaloo hit the ground with a loud crunch right next to her.

"So, what do you guys want?" Rainbow Dash said.

"What makes you think we want anything?" Twilight said, offended. "We could just to be here to say hello."

"You haven't done that since you became antisocial again," Rainbow Dash said, not realizing the nerve she struck. Luckily, or unfortunately, Pinkie Pie stepped in.

"Another creature thingy has shown up!" she yelled with her limited vocabulary. "It's going to be so cool! And fun! And cool!"

Rainbow Dash shot up. "You mean a monster!?" she said.

Rarity scoffed. "No, she just means another one of those," she said, being intentionally vague to irritate the readers. "It's just business as usual."

Rainbow Dash shot up again, but this time did a loop–de–loop, so we knew that she was happy. "Cool!" she said. "I can show someone else how awesome I am! Let's go!"

Scootaloo attempted to breathe, but to no avail.

– – – –

"Applejack!" Twilight screamed as loud as she could over all the noise. "Applejack! Hey!"

"Hey, Twilight!" Applejack said as she popped a wheelie on her bright pink monster truck, sending dust flying everywhere. A cardboard cutout of Twilight fell onto the ground and broke into pieces.

"Whoa! That. Is. So. Awesome!" Rainbow Dash said, clearly envious. "How did you get that!?"

"Rarity gave it to me," Applejack said as she hopped onto the ground. "Apparently she used it in the bedroom."

Twilight started to feel nauseous, but then realized what she just heard and just got really confused. She decided to ask the safest question first. "What's with the cardboard cutout of me?" she said, poking the remains of the broken one.

"Oh, that? That's a crash test dummy," Applejack said, laughing nervously. "I'm trying to practice to have passengers, but so far it's not going so good." She opened up the barn to reveal row upon row of broken, charred Twilight cutouts. Twilight looked at them in horror. Pinkie Pie nodded in approval. In the back, Apple Bloom stuffed some into an incinerator.

Closing the barn door as quickly as possible, Twilight moved on to her next question. "And why do you have a monster truck?" she asked, clearly dreading the answer.

"I need to get good at flair apple delivery," Applejack explained.

Twilight stared. "Is that even a thing?"

"It's the newest, biggest thing in that apple business. You know what they say, nothing makes apples taste better than adrenaline!"

"I've never heard tha—"

"Anyways, what are you here for, Twilight?"

Twilight began to get offended again, so Rarity handled it. "Oh, we just need to welcome our latest stupid Equestrian immigrant person," she said eloquently.

"Well, why didn't you just say so! Anything for Celestia!" Applejack replied. "Let's get going! All that's left is to get Flutterbutter, right?"

"Fluttershy," Twilight said. "You know how she gets when you screw up her name."

"Yeah," Spike said, so he wouldn't feel left out.

– – – –

The five ponies stood nervously in front of Fluttershy's treehouse thing. They gulped.

"So?" Twilight said. "Who wants to ask her?"

"Oh no, not me, I'm no good with animals," Rarity said, pulling off a quite effective burn.

"Same here," Applejack said, the joke having outlived its usefulness.

Twilight whipped her head around. "Wait, what? It's your job!"

"Yeah, herding apples. The rest of the animals are just there to get tax breaks," Applejack said.

"I can't do it," Rainbow Dash said. "She's been all prickly since we broke up."

Everyone looked at Rainbow Dash.

"Wait, what?" Applejack said. "When was this?"

"Yesterday," Rainbow Dash said as she drew a calendar on her wrist.

Rarity scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be so surprised, guys. I think we all knew that Rainbow Dash wa—"

"She told me I was the only one!" Applejack cried. All eyes went to Applejack.

Twilight started backing away. "Wait, you and—"

"She told me I was her best friend, too!" Pinkie Pie yelled.

"Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash said as she started to eat Applejack's hat. "The adults are talking!"

"But I was serious," Pinkie Pie said, her head hung low in shame, as it should be.

"That settles it!" Applejack said. "Let's ask the mare herself!"

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack marched up to Fluttershy's door. Twilight, Rarity, and Spike, likely the only heterosexuals for at least a couple miles, watched in fear and amazement. 

Spike wasn't so sure. He turned to Rarity. "You are straight, right?" 

"Are you kidding me!?" Twilight snapped back at him. "I had to shove my way through at least 50 stallions to even get to her and you're asking if she's straight!?"

"Around here that's totally meaningless and you know it," Spike said.

Fluttershy answered the door.

"You'd better have a darn good explanation for this!" Applejack said to her.

"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie added.

Fluttershy provided an adequate explanation.

"Oh, okay," Rainbow Dash said. "That makes sense."

"Yeah, I didn't think there could possibly be a good explanation for this," Applejack said. "But that was!"

"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie added so she didn't feel left out, even though she totally was.

"Anyways, Twilight needs you to come with us to greet the latest person that popped up in Equestria," Applejack said.

Fluttershy said yes.

"Oh, and sorry about that vomit I teleported into your yard," Twilight said sheepishly.

Fluttershy said she fed it to the animals in a way that wasn't creepy. 

"Oh, okay," Twilight replied. "That's cool."

– – – –

Now that the gang was all assembled, they headed into the Everfree forest.

"Why can't they ever show up in a nice, clean place?" Rarity said, pushing various vines, trees, and Fluttershy out of the way.

"What? Like your bedroom?" Twilight said.

"Yeah!" Rarity said, then paused. "…I see what you did there."

Fluttershy made a yo mama joke.

"Hey! Hey guys! I think I found it!" Rainbow Dash said from above. They all ran towards her voice and reached a clearing in the trees. That was when they saw him. Before them sat a man in a suit, a man with tan skin, short hair and easily caricatured ears. He raised his hand towards them.

"Hello," he said. "My name is Barack Obama. What political party are you?"

Twilight scrunched her face up. "Uh… Celestia's?"