Chapter 2
Not in Kansas Anymore
“What are you doing!?” Stern Breeze grew more and more frantic as the safety of Canterlot's docks shrank further and further away. “The rest of my crew is still in Canterlot on shore leave! We can't leave without them!”
“You'll be having no further need of a crew, lassie.” Barely visible behind the pony's bushy blue beard, a manic smile grew.
Breeze was beginning to feel dizzy from the shock now. “Who are you ponies?”
“I be Bluebeard, renowned scourge of the seven skies!” The pony's pride manifested itself as loudness, apparently. “And this be me new first mate, Silver Lance!” He pointed roughly at the old, lime-green earth pony next to him.
“As a desert flower welcomes the rain, so I, too, welcome the opportunity to be of service to our magnificent captain.” The ancient pony made a deep bow, despite his trembling legs.
“And I,” Another pony cut in before Bluebeard could continue. “I am Golden Word.” He shook his yellow mane and spread his white wings out on full display. “I am come, sent from the father above so that thou might know the light and be saved!” He bowed his head. “Come, let us pray.”
Before he could do so though, the white pegasus was shoved aside by yet another pony, a unicorn with a purple coat and dark grey hair. “And you can call me 'Slick',” she said. “Everypony does. It isn't my real name, but that's classified, so it'll do. I'm the one who broke us out, so I'll be the one in charge. Is that clear?”
Stern Breeze just sat, dumbfounded. Her meticulous and orderly world had just been turned upside-down. Here she was, still drifting away from Canterlot, her crew, and everything familiar, while these four strange ponies continued to make her life far more interesting than she generally liked. Still, at least it couldn't get–
“Aha! And Slick, me fair mysterious wench!” Stern Breeze's thoughts were shattered by another outburst from the bearded pony. “How about ye come see me in the captain's quarters and ye can be me second mate? If ye catch me drift...”
Breeze silently promised to herself never to think 'It couldn't get worse' again.
“With you?” The unicorn replied.
“Aye.”
“With a foul-mouthed, foul-minded, foul-bearded...”
“Aye, that be me!”
“Pink stallion? ... I think not!”
With that, Bluebeard let out a roar that sent Stern Breeze cowering behind the bridge railing. “Ye be having a problem with a stallion being pink do ye?”
The unicorn didn't seem fazed by this at all. “Just that in my experience, pink stallions have been, hm... too interested in their own kind to be bothered with mares...”
Bluebeard now looked like hew was in grave danger of spontaneously exploding on the spot. “Are ye calling me a colt cuddler, wench?! I'll have ye know pink be the most masculine color of all!”
“I'm just saying–”
Slick didn't get to finish, as Bluebeard did explode. “Aargh! Have at ye, wench!” He began chasing the unicorn around the deck. “I'll tear out ye black heart and feed it to me dogs! I'll pickle ye liver! I'll chop ye tail clean off an' wear it for a hat!”
Stern Breeze was hardly a courageous pony, but there were some lines she just would not allow to be crossed. “Stop right there, mister,” she said, stepping in front of Bluebeard and blocking his path. “I will not allow violence to take place on my ship.”
The big pink pegasus loomed over her, his beard bristling, but she did not back down. She stared him (and his beard) down, and it even seemed to be working... for a moment, anyway.
“Your ship, be it?” He laughed, shaking his beard. “Not anymore! This be my ship now, lassie!”
“But... but...” Stern Breeze's momentary control over the situation seemed to be slipping badly. “You can't just take–”
“I can and I did.”
Stern Breeze's prized canary chose an inopportune moment to fly up from below decks. Unbelievably, it flitted right onto Bluebeard's back.
“And I be taking yer parrot, too!” He flashed what must have been his idea of a winsome smile. “Parrots like me.”
“But you can't!” Breeze felt desperation begin to claw at her; this couldn't be happening! “You can't do that!”
“I be a pirate. Didn't I mention that?” He leaned in close. “That be what pirates do.”
“But... but...”
“Have ye any further objections, or can we move along now?” Bluebeard seemed to be losing patience... which probably wasn't good.
“But...” Breeze couldn't just let him do this! But what could she do? What would she say? “But that isn't even a parrot! That's my canary!” She winced a little... she had been meaning to say something a little more definitive.
“It be close enough.” He stood up straight and began shouting. “Silver Lance! Ye go man the jib! Golden Word, ye be on lookout duty!” He turned, pointing a hoof directly at Slick. “Wench! Take the former captain to the brig!”
Slick just stood there, pointedly ignoring him.
“But this ship doesn't even have a brig!” Stern Breeze objected.
“Then take her to the laundry room, which from now on will be referred to as 'the brig'!”
Still, Slick made no move to obey, even though the other two ponies had already gone off to their own assignments.
Bluebeard didn't seem to notice. He strutted up to the helm and began steering the airship.
He stood up straight and he bellowed from his new position of power, “Lance, Wench, rig for descent: we have a supply run to make!”
“Right away, sir!” Silver Lance called out. Slick still did nothing but glower at Bluebeard.
As the ship began to settle into her new course, Bluebeard pulled an eye patch out from behind the helm and put it on, despite seeming to have two perfectly good eyes.
“What?” Breeze couldn't handle much more strangeness today. “Where did that come from?”
“There be eye patches stashed all over Equestria.” Bluebeard didn't seem to notice or care that she wasn't in the 'brig' yet. “In case of eye patch emergency, though I know not how or why.”
That explanation hardly satisfied Breeze's now deeply injured sense of normalcy, but she didn't get a chance to object: Bluebeard started speaking again, almost immediately.
His voice wasn't quieter – Stern Breeze had never heard this pony use any voice that could be described as 'quiet' – but it wasn't the bellow he had be using to issue commands. With a twinge of absolute horror, she realized that he was going to attempt an inspirational speech!
“As we make our way to gather our most essential supplies, I be wanting to say a few humble words.” The canary hopped from his back to the top of his head; he didn't seem to mind. “We be embarking upon that most noble of pursuits: piracy across the seven skies! No storm will be able to stop us, no plunder will escape our grasp, no royal guards can catch us, and no law can touch us! We – we esteemed ponies – we be the very heart an' soul of what it is to be free! Who of ye be with me?”
All of the ponies, Stern Breeze included, now stared at Bluebeard in awe. The old lime-green earth pony behind her was the first to respond.
“I shall lend you my strength, my liege!” The old pony's legs shook merely from the effort of standing on the gently swaying deck. “As a knight of this realm, it is my solemn duty to win the unwinnable fights, to right the unrightable wrong, to help the unhelpable ponies! He pointed to his cutie mark: a pair of pears. “This lance and shield represents my dedication to this noble cause! I shall never relinquish it!”
Stern Breeze was sure of it now: her ship had been overrun with raving lunatics.
The yellow and white pegasus spoke up next. Breeze wondered what kind of psychosis he would add into the mix.
“Rejoice, my brethren ponies! The time of prophesy is upon us! Soon, by our very efforts, the world of the heathen will fall, and the true light shall be known to everypony! For I am The Word. Golden Word. And The Word was with The Light, and The Word was The Light! You see, verily, I walk among you, in the world yet not of the world, so that everypony might see The True Light in all His majesty. Rejoice! For it will be in our days that the heretic sisters shall fall! Rejoice! For purity comes once more at last!”
* * *