Chapter 7: Manifestation
“One time, I had this dream where I was totally making out with a smokin' mermaid; and she was like, ‘I want you to fertilize my eggs!’' and I was all, ‘No way, Bitch!’ then I punched her tits off.” -Dan
I remember the first time I went camping for a weekend with my friends.
We set up our tents, organized our supplies, built a fire, then proceeded to drink and smoke our faces off for the next two days and nights. It was glorious. It was also the first time I really hung out with Dan, long before we became roommates and friends. After three days of consecutive substance abuse, we all had to go home, with varying degrees of hangover (varying from “Oh God, I want to kill myself,” to, “Oh God, I want to kill everything that has ever existed.") Good times.
The night after I got back, I woke up in the pitch blackness of night, and my alcohol soaked brain thought I was still out camping in my tent. Confused, I called out for my friends, but no one answered back. There was a terrifying moment of disorientation and loneliness before I realized I was at home, in my own bed, and everything was fine.
I was experiencing a similar feeling now, as I shot up in my bed and was greeted by a dark room, unsure of my surroundings. The only source of light came from the pale moonbeans filtering in through a small window. The only sound was my own heavy breathing. And crickets.
I did know where I was. And I knew I was alone.
With a sigh, I rubbed my sleepy red eyes with my red hooves. I was still in Ponyville; the same place I had been every time I awoke with a start for the last three nights in a row.
I was in Ponyville... and I was trapped here.
I ran a hoof through my unkempt mane and rolled onto my side. I probably wasn’t going to be getting any sleep tonight, and it was only a matter of time before the 'Unwelcome Thought Train' pulled into the station. Just as it had for three nights in a row.
I wonder if I’m dead at home?
Choo, choo, all aboard motherfuckers.
I attempted to derail the thought before it could pick up steam by flipping onto my stomach and placing a pillow over my head. I knew where this thought train would take me; and if the empty bottles on the floor around me were unable to stop it, I doubted a pillow would be any more successful.
Using my meditation tricks, I managed to push those thoughts away, only for them to be replaced by another memory I'd been reliving in my head; the aftermath of the attack on Ponyville, and the choice words Twilight Sparkle had for me.
Choo, chooooooo.
Guess I wasn’t getting any sleep tonight.
___________________________________________________________
“Well?!” Twilight demanded again, tapping a hoof expectantly.
I sat with her and her friends in the field I had entered their world in, trying to avoid eye contact with the angry unicorn. Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were helping each other up in the aftermath of our fight with the dickheaded tar-pony, Unit Zero-One, and were making their way over to see why Twilight was yelling at me.
“Oh- I... I... ummm,” I stammered stupidly. What else could I say? Certainly not the truth. I guess that makes this the part of the story where all your lies come crumbling to pieces, my brain informed me. Fuck, I really hate that part.
Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple with a hoof, the spread her arms and gestured around us, “Look. Just look what’s going on here!” She stomped hard on the ground, “I know you have something to do with it, just tell me what’s going on!”
“Woah there, let’s all simmer down now,” Applejack stepped in, trying to quell her friends rising anger, “No need ta get all riled up-”
It didn’t work.
Twilight rounded on the cowpony, “NO!” She shouted, staring down the orange mare, “I knew there was something strange about him, I knew it from the moment I met him! But, against my better judgement, I was still willing to trust him. Only now I find out he’s been lying to us all this whole time!”
Applejack gasped and looked at me. I couldn't bear seeing the hurt in her eyes, so I looked at the ground. Oh, hello grass, how are you doing?
"Is it true Cap? Have ya been lying ta us?” Applejack made the word sound like acid that burned her tongue as she said it, and I just couldn’t face her. One does not simply lie to the Element of Honesty.
“Come on Twilight, this is Cap we're talking about! He wouldn’t lie to us!” Pinkie chimed in. Oh, please don’t try to stand up for me. “Isn’t that right Cap?” Boy, this grass sure is interesting, I wondered what it tasted like. Probably like grass.
“He has been lying to us, and I can prove it to you,” Twilight said, a hint of sadness in her words. There was no pleasure in what she said, no smugness at all. She was doing what she had to to protect her friends. Her real ones. “Those creatures that attacked Ponyville? They have the same atypical magical aura as HE does!” She snapped, pointing an accusatory hoof at me.
There was a gasp from all the ponies present, followed by a heavy silence. I was still staring at the ground, but I could feel all four sets of eyes burning into me.
Wow, okay. Good luck with this, I’m just... gonna step out for a few. Okay? Bye.
Gee, thanks for the help brain. I continued to stare at the ground.
“Wait, does that mean he’s one of them?” Rainbow Dash asked, moving between me and her friends.
“I’m not sure. What does it mean, Night Cap?” Twilight demanded, letting the implication hang in the air for a moment.
“I’m... I...”
I was at a loss. Absolutely no idea what to say. There was no saving my bacon this time. Luckily, Rainbow dashed in to help me out.
"What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” She pushed her face into my personal space, “Well?! Spit it out already?”
“You’re not one of those gross, gooey guys!... Are you?” Pinkie asked. AJ was just quiet, adopting the same 'taking care of business' look Twilight was wearing.
“N-no, I’m... not one of them. I... I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.” I said quietly.
“And you expect us to believe that?” asked Rainbow, taking to the air above me. She had my number. There was no way out of this, and I should have told them everything, right then and there. And maybe I would have, if my brain hadn’t excused itself earlier. Why do I have so many of teh stupids?
Instead of doing the right thing, I said meekly, “Th- they were trying to kill me!” Yeah, that oughta clear things right up.
“Oh yeah? And why is that?” Rainbow swooped in again, “Not doing a good enough job spying on us?”
They all stood there, waiting for my answer. I scanned the damning looks I was getting from the ponies I thought I'd made friends with. They weren’t really my friends though, they were friends with the lie I had created. The facade of Night Cap from Manehattan.
I may not have know what the tar things were or where they came from, but I did know why they wanted me dead, and I knew they were right. I could at least give them that. “It’s because I don’t belong here.” I admitted to myself. It didn’t matter what I said now. They would be back for me sooner or later, and they would finish the job next time. I probably wouldn’t even try to stop them. Let me tell you, desolation is a shitty feeling.
The was another pregnant pause that felt like it lasted an eternity. Twilight eventually broke it, saying, “I’m sending a letter to Princess Celestia tonight. She’ll deal with... whatever you are when she gets here. Until then, I would make myself scarce in town, and stay where we know we can find you.”
This was not a suggestion. I was no longer trusted by the Elements of Harmony and that meant I was no longer trusted by anypony.
I looked around the field I had taken my first unsteady steps in Equestria in. It was so bright a vibrant then, with birds singing and a bubbling brook nearby. Serene. I remembered how excited I was with my new body. How I had finally reached the goal I was aiming for; lucid dreaming.
The field I was in now was dark and cold. An early autumn wind was blowing through the bird-less trees, rattling their branches and causing their trunks to creak loudly. Twilight kept her hard gaze upon me. Rainbow looked like she’d attack me if I made any sudden movement. Pinkie was fighting back tears. And Applejack, my old favourite, was staring daggers at me. Sharp ones.
I looked down at my hooves and tried to tell myself things would work out okay. I knew they wouldn’t, though.
“Okay, Twilight.”
________________________________________________________
I rolled onto my back again, thinking heavily on the memory I had finished replaying for the 20th time. Why couldn’t I tell them then? Why have I still not told them? If I just came clean, maybe they could help me?
I threw off my blanket with a groan and sat up in the bed. The answer was crushingly obvious.
Because you don’t deserve their help.
Oh hey brain, glad to have you back. Asshole.
As much as I wanted to slam my head against the wall to silence it, my brain was right. I had lied to everypony I had met, and my continued presence here alone put them in danger. AND, I had the audacity to consider them my friends. I had no right to do that.
Rolling out of bed, I quietly began gathering my few possessions. I was leaving Ponyville. Tonight. I had made my proverbial bed, and now it was time to sleep in it. No point risking the lives of others. If and when the gooey Gak ponies came back for me, I would be as far as possible from anyone else they can harm.
“...Cap?” A small voice whispered from the doorway.
Pina. Great.
“What are you doing?” She asked, eyeing my half-packed packed bags in confusion.
I sighed. I wasn’t about to keep lying, which unfortunately meant I had to tell her the truth. “I’m leaving.”
Pina was quiet for a moment. I continued packing, stuffing apples into my saddle bags. “For how long?”
I didn’t answer, which served to answer her question anyways.
“Please, please don’t go.” she whispered. I kept packing my things, trying to ignore the sounds of tears hitting the carpeted floor. “Wh-whose gonna teach me to dream if you’re gone?”
I stopped, then put down my bags and faced her. The crying pink filly almost made my heart to explode in my chest, but I forced myself to talk. She needed to hear what I was about to say.
“Pina. I want you to stop writing your dream journal and forget everything I ever said about dreams.” I was dead serious, which must have frightened her, because she flinched backwards a step.
“What? Why?” the filly asked. I sighed again, something I’d been doing with increasing regularity.
How come kids always have to know ‘why’?
“Because,” I began, letting my experience speak for me, “you should focus on living. As fun as dreams are, they are not life, just a reflection of it. If you try to live through your dreams, you’ll forget to live while you’re awake. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
Pina looked away and fell quiet. I went back into the room, put on my bags, and walked past her on my way out.
“I think you're wrong Cap.” She said. I stopped and looked back at the small pink figure.
“I think,” she thought for a moment. “well, I think there’s more to dreams than what most ponies think.”
Ain’t that the truth. I thought
“I got my cutie mark a few months ago,” Pina continued, examining her flank and the tropical island and palm tree on it, “it was right after we started learning geography in school. I’ve never left Ponyville before, but hearing about all these far away places was so cool! I wanted to learn more, so I got some map books and stayed up all night reading them. I read about the Griffon Kingdom, and the Zebra lands, it was all so amazing! When Berry woke me up for school the next day, I had my cutie mark.”
She looked back at me, smiling a sad smile, “I was so excited! I just knew it was my destiny to see the whole world!” Her smile faded a little as she continued. “...But... well, Berry says we can’t really afford to go anywhere that far away, so I still haven’t even begun yet. It’s silly, but I was hoping I could... travel in my dreams instead.”
I was too exhausted to be shocked by her eloquence. What she said made a lot of sense, and was not far from what I had been attempting to do with my own dreams. That’s why I was worried; she was making my mistakes, and I was the one who told her how.
“Look Pina. If you keep doing that, one day you won’t be able to tell the difference between the dreams and reality.” I said sternly. “Please, don’t let that happen.”
I turned and left, not expecting to ever see her again. I didn’t hear any tears this time.
_______________________________________________________________
It was fittingly cold outside. I closed the front door to Berry’s small home and dug into my bags for the scarf Rarity had given me when we were still friends. Well, when she still believed we were friends. It was gray and red and apparently “went so well with my coat that she wouldn’t dream of charging me for it.” I wonder how she took the news of my betrayal?
I heard a small creak from behind me and turned to see the door was ajar, and a purple face was staring at me from the darkness. “You know, there’s not much point of sneaking out when everypony knows you’re doing it.” Berry said with a smile, stepping onto her porch.
Berry Punch. The first pony I’d met. The first pony I’d lied to.
“I’m leaving, Berry.” I said, wrapping the scarf around my elongated neck.
"No shit.” She said back. Despite all that was going through my mind, I started giggling. She joined in and soon we were both laughing like mad-ponies in the dead of night. It was a nice laugh though, the kind you have with old friends.
We finished laughing and our eyes met briefly. Then she looked away and said, “I’m... sorry. About flipping out on you earlier. You were just trying to help me and... I overreacted.”
"You don’t have to apologize,” I said, placing a hoof on her shoulder, “I’m the one who’s been lying to you. But I want to come clean. In fact, you should know that I’m not really fro-” I was cut off by a hoof over my muzzle.
"Hey, if I’m not gonna tell you my secrets Cap, you certainly don’t have to tell me yours.” She said, removing her hoof and placing it quietly on the ground.
I set mine down as well. “Well, okay then.” We stood in silence for a moment as the stiff breeze blew through the town.
“Are you sure? Cause it’s a pretty big and, frankly, crazy secret that would change everything you think you know about me.” I said, spoiling the quiet moment. I had been thinking about telling someone for so long that I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to now. If anyone should know the truth, it was her.
Berry rolled her eyes with a giggle, “That’s why I don’t want you to tell me.” She whispered as she leaned in close. Really close. What was she...! She was rubbing her muzzle against mine! I’ve praised my red coat and its awkward-blush hiding abilities before, but I knew this time it didn’t even matter. My face felt like it was glowing with infrared light.
She’s... she’s nuzzling me! That’s WEIRD! Is it weird? It’s kinda like an eskimo kiss if you think about it, that’s all. It’s not like she sucked my d-
“Okay! I should... go. Now.” I said abruptly, breaking off the embrace. As shocked and confused as I was, I’m pretty sure I was grinning like an idiot.
Berry gave a laugh, then sighed heavily and gave me a hug. “Goodbye Night Cap. Thank you for rescuing me and my little sis. And for being a good friend.”
Her words, though she meant them, stung me. I had probably been the one who alerted the Jackalope on the day we met. Pina was captured because the Gak ponies thought she was me. And I was definitely not a good friend. Friends don’t lie to each other.
In the end, she'd only reminded me why I was leaving.
“Goodbye, Berry Punch.” I said, walking away from the house and down the vacant street. I turned back after a few steps and said, “Though you should know, I’m actually a terrible friend. It’s kind of why I have to go.”
“No,” She said back, “You’re leaving because you feel you have to. You’re not a terrible friend Cap, you just have really bad judgement.”
Ain’t that the truth. I thought.
Then I walked away.
_______________________________________________________
I wandered through the dark, empty streets of Ponyville, taking in the town for the last time. The show really doesn’t do it justice, even at night the town had a beautiful air to it. It felt familiar, like an old medieval town from a movie but with cartoony curves and shapes. I sure was going to miss it.
I knew from the maps I'd borrowed from Twilight that the closest town to Ponyville was far off to the South, and Canterlot was even further to the North East, so I took the West road out of town. This was, ironically, the very road I had entered town from the first time.
Walking past the picturesque homes and a newly repaired Town Hall, I pulled the loose knot of my scarf tighter with my mouth. I walked along the dirt road as the buildings gave way to the looming, dark trees of Sweet Apple Acres. I pulled out one of the apples I had in my back, suddenly longing to taste the delicious apple goodness. I munched quietly as I walked and soon Fluttershy’s home appeared in the distance, though all the lights were off.
I had expected her to visit me while I was under house arrest, but after 3 days I hadn’t heard a peep. I suspected the others were keeping her away. As they had every right to do. It really only made things easier for me, though I felt awful for putting the kindly pegasus through such an ordeal.
I finished the apple and walked away from the cottage, leaving the town behind for good.
_______________________________________________________________
Navigating by starlight proved to be a real pain in the ass. Especially since any sort of cloud cover reduces the already dim light to total blackness. I lost the path very quickly and gave up trying to find it again.
After few minutes of walking in the dark woods, bumping into a couple trees, and several failed attempts to figure out which way West even was, I emerged into an open space. I stood in the dark void, wondering where the hell I was when the clouds finally broke and gave me some light. I looked around and realized I was in a very familiar clearing.
What is it about this place? I thought, taking in the field once again. It seemed like just a regular old patch of grass, but for some reason, a being from another dimension had spawned here less than two weeks ago. Then a bunch of robots with tar bodies showed up here as well. Maybe there was more to this place than nice scenery?
"What the hell, may as well look around.” I said out loud, falling back into my old habits.
I spent a few minutes lying on the ground in one place, then moving to another, trying to find the exact spot I had awoken in this world. Soon enough, I was sure I had it. I laid still for a long while, picturing my brown sheets and the sounds of highway traffic. Maybe there was some sort of portal that would zip me home with the magically unexplained powers of deus ex machina or some other bullshit.
Nothing happened for a few minutes, then, after a few more, it continued not to.
“I don’t know what I expected...” I said with a shiver. “Man, fuck this.” I pulled out a spare blanket I had 'borrowed' from Berry’s guest room. I hoped she would understand. I wrapped it around myself and closed my eyes. The sun would be up in a few hours and I could continue my self imposed exodus tomorrow, when I could see better and use the sun for direction.
Or the Gaks could come back and kill you in your sleep. My brain pointed out for me.
Meh. That would save me some walking. Optimism!
Unfortunately, the Unwelcome Thought Train was rolling already. I tried desperately to derail it by thinking of something other than being murdered in my sleep.
How about you think about how Dan’s going to get evicted ‘cause he can’t pay the rent ‘cause you’re dead? My brain suggested.
Yeah, much better, stupid asshole brain.
I pulled out the half bottle of whiskey I had in my bag. I'd like to say I wasn’t planning on drinking it the on my first night out, but that would not really be true, and I’m done lying. I took several big sips and was able to redirect my thoughts back to the first time I went camping with my friends.
We drank way too much that weekend, Dan and I especially. The booze was always warm too, because we couldn’t fit it all in the tiny cooler we brought and we drank it faster than it could chill. At least I didn’t barf in our tent. Well, I don’t think I did anyway, my memories from that weekend are a tad fuzzy.
I finished the bottle of whiskey and drifted off to sleep, wishing for a campfire and someone to share it with.
______________________________________________________
“What the fuck? What is this shit?” I heard Dan say.
Dan!
My eyes flicked open, hoping to see his face and (most likely) a room in a hospital. A human hospital! With ugly nurses and shitty food and...
That’s not where I was. I was still lying in the field, buried under my blanket. I was still a pony and I was still trapped and alone and etc, etc. I was getting sick of having this realization every time I woke up. The sun was up now, but I didn’t feel like moving just yet, so I resettled under the warm blanket.
I was so sure I'd heard his voice, though. Maybe it was just a dream? A normal one?
“Funny, I don’t remember the last time I had one of those...” I mumbled to myself.
“Woah! Who said that?” Dan’s voice said again.
I shot instantly awake, getting tangled up in my blanket, “Dan? Dan!”
“Jon? Is that... you?” Another voice asked. This one was female.
“SANDRA?!” I called, tearing the blanket from over my face. My jaw dropped.
Lying before me and struggling to stand were two ponies I had never seen before. A buff, dark blue pegasus and a seafoam green unicorn with a beautiful blond mane. They looked at each other, then back at me.
“Jon?... What’s going on? Where am I and... why are you a pony?” The green unicorn asked.
I was speechless. How could this be? Could they actually be here? AND WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FIELD?!
“God dammit Jon. What kind of gay pony shit have you gotten me into?” The pegasus said.
I had never been so happy to hear someone say “gay pony shit.”
