Up Da Riva Wifout a Zoggin’ Paddle
“Wot da zog ‘appened?” ‘Eadsmasha groaned and pulled himself to his feet, his shoota falling off his back and landing on the ground with a clatter. Around him, other orks pushed weapons and branches off of themselves, with some having to pull themselves out of a nearby river. ‘Eadsmasha looked around and made a quick count: Twenty boyz still living, and a couple dozen corpses from other mobs that weren’t so lucky.
“Dem weirdboyz musta hit each other’n we’z da ones who got krumped.” Gearbrainz said, the mek fetching his mega-blasta from a nearby tree.
“If we’z get back ta da WAAAGH!, I’m findin’ dat weirdboy and feedin’ ‘im ‘is own lungs.” ‘Eadsmasha looked around and saw his mangled power klaw. Two of the blades had been snapped off, and the last one was now incredibly dull. “Oi, Gearbrainz! Once we findz some loot yer fixin’ me power klaw!”
“Roight, Boss.” ‘Eadsmasha tossed his power klaw in the general direction of the mek and began searching the corpses for a new weapon. He found the remains of a nob, the ork’s head smeared over a large rock and a large chainaxe in his hand. ‘Eadsmasha grabbed his new choppa and turned to the boyz.
“‘Kay boyz, here’s da plan; we’z not at da WAAAGH!, so we’z gonna walk dat way,” he pointed away from the river. “Until we’z find da WAAAGH!”
“Uh, Boss.” Redwheelz said, raising his hand. “Da place with da Chaos boyz didn’t ‘ave any of dese ‘ere trees.” ‘Eadsmasha thought for a moment.
“Got me anuvva idea. Dem ‘umies is everywhere, roight?”
“Yeah.”
“Den dere must be some ‘umies here, and dey’z probably got all kind’za fancy loot fer us ta take. We’z loot ‘em, den we’z build us a nice big krooza and goes and finds da WAAAGH!”
“Great!” Gorechoppa shouted, raising his choppa into the air.
“But,” Gearbraiz said. “Wot if dere ain’t no ‘umies?” the other orks in the group looked at the mek.
“Den we’z wait until we’z got a lot of boyz, build our own krooza, and we’z got our own WAAAGH!.” ‘Eadsmasha looked away from his boyz. “Do I hafta do all da plannin’ round ‘ere?”
“Dat’s why yer da Boss.” Redwheelz chuckled. ‘Eadsmasha picked up his shoota and fished another rokkit from a pack slung across his back, attaching it to the gun.
“Roight den. Let’z find some ‘umies ta stomp!” the orks roared in agreement and marched after their Boss, using their choppas to hack away at brush and trees.
.................
Princess Celestia stood on her personal balcony, looking out over Equestria. Beside her rested Twilight’s message concerning some disturbances with her internal magic and clouds over the Everfree Forest. Celestia knew that Twilight was in no danger from her magic overloading, and the clouds had disappeared as soon as they had arrived.
It was what fell out of the clouds that had her worried.
“Sister, you requested my presence?” Celestia turned her head and saw Luna land behind her, the dark alicorn suppressing a yawn before walking forward.
“Yes, Luna. I trust you have felt the disturbance earlier today?”
“If you mean ‘woken up by firing a lightning bolt through my wall’, then yes. Is everything alright?”
“Well, I can safely say that the fabric of reality is not collapsing in on us.” Celestia looked towards the Everfree Forest. “But I fear that something else may be coming.”
“What?”
“Remember when we were younger, and Father allowed us a peek at the multiverse?”
“Yes.” Luna shuddered. “Loyalty’s Bearer is terrifying as a fashionista.”
“That is not our problem. You remember the darkest of the universes, where all that lived inside its borders were consumed by hatred and violence.”
“I slept through that one, I think.”
“Well, some of its residents have come here.” Luna’s eyes went wide, her wings spreading and going rigid.
“You told me about demons in that world. Please tell me there are no demons!”
“Luna, I am certain that you and I can handle a demonic invasion. This new threat I fear is of a more... brutish nature.” Luna’s wings relaxed slightly, but still remained spread.
“I shall go to the guards and have them burn the forest to the ground if necessary.”
“That will not be needed, Luna.” Celestia sighed. “This calls for level headed action, not wanton violence. Besides, they’d probably love it. I will go to Ponyville and meet this threat head on.”
“But at least take some guards with you.”
“Again, I do not want to start a war.”
“Please, Tia.” Luna approached, nuzzling Celestia’s neck. “I just want you to be careful and not get hurt.” Celestia looked down at her younger sister and smiled.
“And I’m usually the one that worries. If it makes you happy, I’ll bring some guards with me.”
“Thank you Tia.” Celestia nodded and walked back towards her room while Luna remained on the balcony. “Tia?”
“Yes?”
“If you do manage to stop this threat, what will you do with them?” Celestia thought for a moment.
“Either send them back or start a fungus farm.”
...................
‘Eadsmasha and his boyz had been walking for close to an hour, and so far they had found only some ruins. The orks had gleefully ransacked the place, but all they could find were a few small shards of metal that couldn’t even be used for stabbing things. Their hopes for loot crushed, the orks continued on, stomping through the underbrush and searching for any signs of civilisation.
“Oi Boss, can we’z find somefing ta kill already?” one of the boyz in the back shouted.
“Why’dya think we’z walkin’ ‘round here, ta smell da fungus? Shaddup and keep movin’; we’ll find some ‘umies ta krump soon enuff.” ‘Eadsmasha was certain that that was the end of that conversation until Gearbrainz tapped him on the shoulder.
“We’z gonna need somefing ta eat soon, Boss; all da squigs ‘n grots got left back at the WAAAGH!.”
“Ya shoulda thought a dat when we’z had all dem ded boyz lying ‘round.” ‘Eadsmasha sighed and looked back at the orks. “Any of youz dat wants ta find somefing ta eat can go ahead. We’z stoppin’ ‘ere and waitin’ fer ya.” the two orks in the back grinned and charged off into the brush, sluggas and choppas drawn. ‘Eadsmasha swung his choppa around and buried it into the trunk of a tree, the chainaxe ripping through the wood and making him a nice improvised throne once the tree had fallen. “I swear, ya all’r goin’ soft.”
“We ain’t soft!” Gorechoppa shouted. “We’z da orks, not some pansy space elfs.”
“If I wantz ya ta speak, I’da askz ya!” ‘Eadsmasha barked, pointing his axe at Gorechoppa. “But y’are goin’ soft; complainin’ ‘bout eatin’ and stuff. We’z gonna find somefing ta stomp; we’z always does.”
“Maybe you’z just ain’t a propa boss if you’z can’t find da WAAAGH!” ‘Eadsmasha’s glare deepened, no small feat for an ork.
“You’z think you’z can be a better boss?” he said, rising up from the tree stump and advancing on Gorechoppa.
“Yeah, I’z can probably find da WAAAGH! better’n you.” “Eadsmasha growled and prepared to take Gorechoppa’s head off, but the sound of a slugga being fired caught his attention. The slugga fired again, and this was followed by a deafening roar from some large beast punctuated by more shooting.
“Looks like dem boyz did find somefing ta stomp after all.” Redwheelz muttered.
“See? We’z found somefing ta kill, and now we’z all happy.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned and lowered his choppa as the two boyz came rushing out of the brush. “Well? Where iz it?”
“Wot?”
“Da fing ya just shot.”
“Oh yeah, dat fing. Uh...” the boy massaged his temple with the barrel of his slugga. “Well, we’z found dis big ol’ blue squiggoth fing, and we’z decided ta shoot it. When we’z did, it got all mad an’ ran off inta da trees.”
“Why didn’tcha go after it?”
“Well, den dis big ugly one came along and when we’z tried ta shoot dat it tried stompin’ us.” to emphasize the boy’s point, the ground shook as something big marched towards the orks. They raised their sluggas, shootas and choppas and prepared, waiting for whatever it was to show itself.
The thing was massive, about the size of a small gargant, and it seemed to be made of pure energy. It was flecked with small pinpricks of light similar to stars, and it glared at the orks with massive yellow eyes. ‘Eadsmasha lowered his choppa and stared up at the thing in awe, unsure of how exactly to proceed.
“... Big, ain’t it?”
“Yup.” Gearbrainz said. “Wot we do now, Boss?”
“Well, it’s obvious, ain’t it?” ‘Eadsmasha raised his shoota and choppa, glaring at the beast for a moment, before turning around and rushing into the woods as fast as his legs could carry him. “LEG IT!!!!!!!!” The other orks would have called ‘Eadsmasha out on his cowardice, but they preferred to do so when they weren’t being eaten alive by a massive beast and raced off after him. The Ursa Major roared and chased after them, it’s massive size allowing it to crash through the trees and gain on the fleeing orks.
The sound of trees being crushed beneath massive paws was the only thing that ‘Eadsmasha could hear. He looked back occasionally to see if the monster was still chasing him, but doing so slowed him down and caused the ork to trip over fallen trees and bushes. Around him other boyz hollered as they raced away, their cries drowned out by the bellowing of the creature.
After what seemed like an eternity, the sound of crashing trees dissipated and the Ursa stopped its chase. ‘Eadsmasha slowed and stopped near an odd clearing, and soon the other orks had joined him.
“If we’z gets our ‘ands on a stompa, we’z comin’ back and krumpin’ dat fing.” He growled, unslinging his shoota and checking it for damage.
“‘Ey Boss,” Gearbrainz said. “If dere is ‘umies ‘round, den dey’s gotta be pretty ‘ard ta deal wif fings like dat.”
“Yeah.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned “Should make fer a good scrap, won’t it?”
“Yeah Boss.” the boyz replied.
“Den wot’s we doin’ ‘ere talkin’? We’z got ‘umies ta stomp!” the orks roared in anticipation, waving their choppas around and firing their sluggas into the air. “Roight, we’ll just go dat way and we’ll-” ‘Eadsmasha turned around and froze.
Standing behind him were three little... things. They came in more colors than a standard mob of humans, and they were riding around in a small wagon similar to a skorcha wagon. The things stared at the orks in shock, and the orks merely stared back in confusion.
“Wot da zog are doze fings?” Gorechoppa asked.
“How da zog should I know?” ‘Eadsmasha looked back to his boyz. “Maybe dere some squig-fingies dat ‘umies have around and dey got lost or somefing.”
“Doze fings ride in wagons?”
“Uh... guess so.” ‘Eadsmasha raised his choppa. “‘Least we’z gets ta eat!” As soon as he finished saying this, the three little things screamed. It was an earsplitting sound, and not in a good way like thousands of shootas being fired. The orks in the group reeled back, and ‘Eadsmasha was tempted to attack the things in order to get them to shut up. The things turned their wagon around and raced off, a small cloud of dust enveloping the mob.
“Get ‘em, boyz!”
..................
Deep in the Equestrian badlands lay a cave. Inside the cave lay a massive complex of crystalline structures, with thousands of inhabitants tending to everything. Further down the complex, the ruler of the community had been presented a deal.
“I still don’t see what in it for me.” said Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.
“What more do you want?” her guest asked. “I will give you full access to both Equestria and the Crystal Empire. Think, you and your swarm can feed for centuries.”
“Yes, I get that part of the plan, but how do I know that you will follow through with your end of the bargain.”
“I am a stallion of my word. Once I have removed my enemies, I will reward you as you deserve.” Chrysalis regarded her guest for a moment; his offer was tempting, but after her failed invasion of Canterlot she was not ready to give her trust to just anypony.
“Give me a few days to scout out the opposition, then I will decide.”
“As you wish.”