//------------------------------// // Chapter 10: Ace of Spades // Story: Ponies on Red Dwarf // by Sound Shard //------------------------------// "What?" screamed Lister, disraught. "Ace Rimmer, you are Ace Rimmer?" "nO, I'm MaRiLyN vOs SaVaNt! YeS, aFtEr HoW yOu LeFt Me!" he yelled. Kryten looked confused. "Something go wrong on your journey, sir?" asked Kryten. Ace shook his head in frustration. "YoU fOoLs! UnLeSs, ThAt HaSn'T hApPeNeD..." he pondered. "tHaT wOuLd Be A MiNoR sMeG iN mY pLaNs, WoUlDn'T iT?" "What hasn't happened?" asked Pinkie. "oH, tHiS iS tOo RiCh! I dIe, EvErY sO mAnY gEnErAtIoNs Of AcEs, AnD a NeW oNe TaKeS mY pLaCe! ThE lEfToVeR hOlOgRaPhIc ProJeCtOr Is SeNt To A PlAnEt WhOsE rInGs ArE... wElL, tHeSe PrOjEcToRs. SoMeBoDy NeGlEcTeD tO tElL mE tHaT i WaSn'T dIeIng! So, SoMe GeEzEr FiNdS Me A-fLoAtIn' ArOuNd, AnD tRiEs To TuRn Me InTo A wAlKiNg CoMpUtEr PrOgRaM! iNsTeAd, He MaDe A cOmPuTeR vIrUs," complained Ace. Discord staggered into the room. " .I .t .' .s .n .o .t .n .i .c .e .t .o .b .l .o .w .p .o .n .i .e .s .u .p!!!!!" Discord grumbled and rubbed his back. "CuT tHe AcT, dIsCoRd!" Ace warned. Discord rolled his eyes. " .Fine! .I .just .like .to .keep .that .voice .on .standby," he said and made a face. "So Be It, JuSt DoN't UsE iT! DiDn'T yOu HaVe A mAgIcAl ThInGaMaBoBbEr?" asked Ace. Discord nodded. "So why are you guys all--" began Pinkie, but she was cut off by Discord shooting her in the mouth with goop. " .Shut .it, .pony," Discord demanded. Pinkie pulled at the gunk. "Nnnf!" she yelled. Discord knocked her back. Pinkie struggled with the goop, but was turning pale. "Nn... Uhhnnn..." she groaned. "What are you doing to her?" yelled Ivory 2.0. Discord smirked. " .Since .when .do .you .care .about .the .lives .of .others?" he asked. "Since always!" she argued. "Well, no, um... I've always cared about the wellbeing of others. Torture is wrong, killing in mass is something else!" "ThAt'S mY iVoRy!" exclaimed Ace. Twilight shook her head. "Stop. Just, stop. You came back to Ponyville, remember?" said Twilight. "You have to be lying." "Fu... What? When did I come back to Ponyville?" he asked sincerely, as he fiddled with the device on his back. "Ah, much better." "Just a year before we left. You were around occasionally," Twilight challenged "I can say he wasn't..." Ivory 2.0 spoke up. "He's been with us the entire time!" "THaT's TrUe..." mumbled Ace. "We'Ve HaD hIm..." A loud gagging sound was heard, and everybody turned to see Pinkie Pie dying, hair going completely flat. "Pinkie Pie!" yelled Twilight and jumped for her. Pinkie pushed her away and used a nearby sharp piece of metal to rip off the goop. Discord screamed in agony. She threw the piece of metal at Ivory 2.0. She ducked and it impaled the pillar behind her. "Look, chum pile, I don't know your problem, but you have not been nice..." Pinkie garbled and cracked her jaw. "And we all know what happens when somepony isn't nice. If I could kill you, I would, but I can't. Even better..." "Snap out of it, Pinkie!" yelled Lister. A flash of a normal Pinkie fluttered across her face. "Don't bring her into this, skidmark," warned Pinkie. "She has Multiple Personality Disorder!" yelled Kryten. "The only way to snap her out of it, it seems, is to get her to need you!" "Pinkie! C'mon, stop it. If you go crazy on us now, Ace will win!" Spike convinced. Pinkie grabbed the teleporter from Kryten's hands. She returned with Ivory. "Use her, let me deal with the living pile of sh-" "Guys? What am I diing diwn here?" asked Ivory. "Help us destroy these guys!" yelled Spike. She flew over to her other self and bucked her in the face. "That's fir trying ti kill me!" "Heh," the other chuckled and realigned her neck. "Yer funny." Ivory let out a loud gulp as Ivory 2.0 pounced. But she pounced right over her head and landed in Ace's field. A man with a blue jacket and a poofy haircut appeared in his place. He was holding a pistol. Ivory 2.0 chuckled a bit more. "Luckily for you, I've bigger fish to fry. Besides, wouldn't killing you be like suicide?" she pointed out. Ivory shrugged. "Look, guys, I'm sure you're having fun, but a psychotic pony with a major grudge-holding factor is approaching me with a particularly sharp piece of debris from my blowing-up back there..." warned Discord. Indeed, Pinkie was armed with a sharp fragment of metal in her mouth. Lister shot in the direction of Pinkie, but only managed in blowing up what was left of the computer panel next to Ace, sending him flying. "Wait, sir!" cried Kryten. "The emohawk!" "What about it?" asked Spike. "It drains one's primary emotion!" said Lister, catching on. "You aren't suggesting..." Twilight realized nervously their plan. Lister nodded. Spike pondered this. "But if it drains somepony's primary emotion, wouldn't Pinkie be stuck like that? She's more often than not annoyingly cheerful," he asked. "Not as of right now. It's a chance we'll have to take," ventured Lister. Spike gulped. "Pinkie!" yelled Twilight and sucked the EHSP out of the console's remains with magic.. "Catch!" Pinkie glanced back to see a blob hit her in the face. She slowly began to switch thru extreme emotions, such as anger, for three seconds, an uncomfortable jealousy phase, a, very awkward for Lister, five second love stage, and, finally, her normal happy self. The EHSP slinked off. "Ooh! Quick thinking, guys!" she complimented and hugged her friends. She turned to Discord. "I'm still angry at you, you know!" He gulped very loudly. "StOp ThAt!" Ace yelled. Everybody turned to see him yelling at Ivory 2.0, who was headed towards a lever. "DoN't YoU dArE!" "Oh, I dare," she said and laid a hoof on the lever. She turned to the group opposite of her. "This section of Red Dwarf has the self-destruct button in it. If you leave now, in Starbug 1, you can live." She smiled smugly as possible with her distorted face. Discord joined. "Ace? By the way, that 'old geezer' that finds you floating in space later?" he said. "That's me!" "oH, yOu ShUt It!" Ace warned. He grabbed Ivory classic and held the pistol to her head. "Or I BlOw HeR bRaInS oUt!" "Ace?" Ivory intervened "WhAt?" he scowled. "Haven't you ever wondered why I have a hole in my head?" she asked and turned back to the others. "You guys beam out now. I give me 2 minutes to live, and an additional 3 minutes 'till boom-boom time! Oh, and Rarity's parents can be found in the Wayward Warhawk. Head over there." Kryten pushed a button, and they were gone. "Oh, pooh. I forgot to mention the fact that we might end up at a very, very wrong point in time. Well, um, this looks like a week ago, last Wednesday. About an hour before you arrived here, Twilight. Come, we must inform your brother of our findings," said the Kryten with a teleporter in his hands. The lavender pony then spoke. "You may want to head down to the docking bay with Starbug soon!" she informed. The pink one waved vigorously. "HI PAST DAVID! HIYA PAST RIMMER-- er, SMEGHEAD! HI PAST KRYTEN! CAT, YOUR SUIT IS LOVELY!" she yelled. The Cat looked down at his suit and smiled. "Why, thank you!" "Eh," Lister 2 spoke. He pulled a cigarette from his ear. He lit it and took a drag. "Let’s get this show on the road. We still Gotta contain the EHSP before it..." "Now don't reveal too much, Mr. Lister. We wouldn't want to create more of a paradox." said Kryten 2. He pushed a few buttons, and they telepored out. "Mister Shining Armor! Mis'ess Cadence! Thank goodness we've found you!" Kryten called out. "We've disturbing news..." "What is it?" asked Sweetie Belle. "Where's Ivory?" questioned Rarity. "This place is going to blow in five minutes!" yelled Pinkie. A collective gasp came from the group. Rarity grunted. "Where's Ivory?" she snarled. Twilight sympathetically shook her head. One could almost hear Rarity's heart breaking. Her best friend... "No... She can't be dead!" "C'mon, we need to go! Now!" yelled Rimmer. "No time for all the emotion!" "You're a smeghead, Rimmer!" yelled Lister as he dragged the whimpering Rarity to Starbug. "The good news is, your parents are alive..." comforted Pinkie, but Rarity wasn't listening. She wouldn't be for quite some time. - STARBUG - "The Wayward Warhawk has supplies, shelter, and Rarity's parents. We should be fine there," Twilight decided. Sweetie Belle was in the corner, comforting her sister, who was losing it. Rainbow Dash was flying in circles, and the rest of the Mane 6 were seated elsewhere. "Holly's still on Red Dwarf," Lister mumbled. Cat nodded. "Shame," he agreed sadly. "I'll miss her." For a moment, they sat in a circle of recondite silence. A final goodbye to the ship that was included in the giant explosion that ripped the silence into a mosaic.