There I was, lying in a hospital bed while the fearsome Princess of the Night smiling a very false smile at me. So what is the first thought that crosses my mind in this situation? How I'm still not wearing underwear! I've been visited by TWO members of royalty and I'm naked as the day I popped into the world. Once I'd put that idiotic thought to bed, I notice the local field dip slightly as the door quietly closes behind her. She comes up to the side of my bed.
"Hello Princess Luna." That fake smile just got bigger, what the hell?
"How are you feeling?"
"All things considered, pretty good." I laugh nervously and she seems relieved? Her smile seems to become marginally more genuine.
"Well that's good. I was worried you would be angered because of my memory removal spell, since Equestria is a peaceful nation and we have to consider our subjects safety along with..."
Oh so that's what Celestia meant by other plans! She's guilty over messing with my brain! Well, at the time I was just so happy that I still had my life to live and my arm fixed that I just couldn't drum up any sort of rage. Spells could be remade, I mused, but being alive was everything. I tune back into her finishing up on her monolog.
"....And I'm so sorry for any pain I caused you, Shade." And would you look at that, she's looking at the floor, her last words sound sad.
"Princess Luna?"
She's still having a staring contest with the floor, so I reach out with my hand and gently lift her head. Her expression is remorseful, her eyes moist with unhappy tears. Although I suppose if you're looking for absolution for attempted murder, trying the old puppy dog eyes is worth a shot because it certainly worked on me! Cursing my feeble human heart, I whispered to her.
"It's alright. I forgive you."
For a moment, she simply looks amazed at her easily accepted apology. Then she rushes forward, her hooves grabbing me under my arms and holds my body. Naturally, my first reaction is to panic, that is until she starts making a pleased 'squee'ing noise in her throat. She's hugging me! Thank you Gods for that!
"Thank you Shade!" I return her hug, letting her head rest on my shoulder, circling my right arm just behind her head and stroke her long regal neck gently with my left.
"Yea, well I'd be more annoyed with you if I hadn't shot that firestorm spell off near you." Her grip seems to get tighter, but its not uncomfortable. "Actually, I'm surprised you aren't angry with me for doing that."
I notice she's started to gently rub her snout against my neck, her fur is soft and warm. Wow these pony hugs are awesome! Naturally, I don't have a snout to return the gesture, so I simply use my nose to mimic it, rubbing gently against her cheek. She sighs happily. Well! Now all I've got to do is apologise to those Lunar Guards, maybe I'll even give them a tip or two about combat operations... Hahaha, yea right, like I'd dare tell professional soldiers how to do their jobs.
My revelry is broken when I hear something incredibly disturbing, even the tiny part of my brain that enjoys making fun of my stupidity has gone deathly silent at the noise being emanated very close to me. What sound would that be? A soft, pleasure filled moan. I must have magic massage hands, well, ponies have hooves so I guess they haven't felt anything like this touching them, right? Not thinking about the alternative. Not thinking about it.
I stopped what I was doing, gently moving my head away, removing my arms and then give her the lightest pat on the neck. She pulls her head back, her expression dreamy from my completely platonic hug and she smiles at me softly. I return it with a completely poker-faced smile, fake as all fuck it was.
I notice she hasn't actually released her grip on me as she moves her head closer to me, her eyes locked onto my own. She whispers in what could only be described as the most sultry and disturbing tone I've ever heard in all my life.
"No stallion has touched me in a thousand years." Out of the motherfucking frying pan and right into the goddamn fire!
"That's. Not. Good." Oh gods, she's getting closer! Hmm, her breath smells like blueberries... FOCUS DAMNIT! TASK AT HAND!
"When we were in bed, when you touched me so softly and held me so lovingly. And the kiss.." Her breath hitches and my smile disappears. "And then, even after I hurt you badly and took away some of your magic, you forgave me. You even nuzzled me." What the fuck is nuzzling?! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
"Err, you're welcome?" I squeek out, her lips less than an inch away even as I try to push the back of my head through the mattress, but her death grip is preventing any sort of escape.
"You're very sweet, Shade. I think you deserve a reward.." Her eyes close, her head tilts slightly as she comes in for a kiss that I do not want, nor can avoid. If there is a higher power out there, please come to me in my time of need! I'll give you anything! My loyalty! My soul! Even my left testicle!
"I'm not... interrupting anything, am I?" OH THANK YOU SWEET CELESTIA! Her sister immediately scrambles backward and tries to look nonchalant.
"NO. NOTHING. NOTHING IS HAPPENING." I practically scream at that lovely white saviour of mine. Luna is blushing and if the furnace heat on my face was any indication, so was I. "I WAS JUST TELLING LUNA ABOUT MY MAGICAL PROBLEM." The white pony looks completely unconvinced.
"Looked to me like you two were getting comfor.."
"NO. YOU ARE MISTAKEN." I should really stop yelling and interrupting the leader of this nation. Atleast she looks bemused by all this. I probably look horrified, I couldn't tell from the unbelievable amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins.
"Anyway. The doctor informs me you're free to go, with one of my own caveats: You need to continue to wear the amulet while you're here in Canterlot. I can't really have you bursting into flame when someone uses magic near you." I am so pleased to have something to think about other than being the subject of an enforced make-out session! Fortunately my brain comes up with some rational questions about my new jewelry.
"Sounds fair. How do I take it off or turn it off though? I might need to use magic at some point in the future and I'd rather not get caught without it." She seems to consider this for a moment.
"The jewel at the center controls the magical shield, simply rotate it with your claws and it will stop generating the shield. It with reactivate if it senses it's been off for too long. As for taking it off..." She looks at me with an amused expression. "You just take it off." She giggles when I slap my head in a full on 'duh' moment. Why hadn't I thought of that originally? Oh right, I was fearing for my life.
"May I?" I gesture at it and she nods.
This thing is an absolutely amazing piece of magical work. Turning the stone, I feel the energy flooding back through into me like a warm river of pure joy. Flexing my magical muscles, I reach out with my sense and peer through the ether at those two ponyforms. What I see is very intimidating, they glow in power. Here I am, a newbie wizard, being attended by what could only be described as walking talking demigods. One of whom wants to make out with me! Pushing that horror aside, I focusing inward and check myself out.
Oh dear. I look like shit, every energy pathway looks damaged and all of my offensive spells are simply gone. Actually, it would appear nearly all of them are gone! Damn that Loony Luna! Shield remains along with Torch and one I call Click. But what does Click do? I hear you cry. Well, its a spell designed by a highly bored wizard for annoying the birds that kept crapping on his car. I fire it off, it flies through the air and impacts with a loud *Click* sound. Those bloody birds never stood a chance! Ah! Lets see if they weren't lying about this amulet thing being off. A quick sample taster of the local field and....
*CLICK*
Celestia and Luna both turn their heads towards the noise I made appear on the other side of the room. Good, so I can still cast stuff.
"Very amusing, Shade." Celestia smiles warmly. Aw, they knew it was me, suppose that was pretty obvious anyway. I turn the amulet back on, just in case.
"What happens now? I'm really grateful that you took me in, didn't murder me when I Firestorm'd and healed me. But I'm kinda lost and without a home for the foreseeable future." Luna gasps excitedly, a little too loudly and I'm fairly certain I can ballpark guess what the moony lunatic has in mind for me.
"HE MUST STAY AT THE CASTLE!" OH GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN MY EARDRUMS!
"Luna, please, you're hurting our guest." Celestia softly smiles at her now bashful looking sister. "Of course. Shade you are more than welcome to stay here, until we can get that magic problem under control. I'll let Luna show you to the guest room." Really? Celestia, I hate you so much.
They looked rather amused when I kindly asked for some privacy to get changed, but in hindsight I guess they're always naked so its not a big deal for 'em. One of them must have apparently seen fit to launder my clothes. A freshly pressed cream-colored t-shirt, a pair of carefully folded jeans and a small box of my unmentionables including my shoes. After I'm fashionably dressed, I mentally prepare myself for another round of insanity and step outside.
There is Luna again, looking way too excited. Was this really the creature who mindfucked me not half a day ago? Before she was a high and mighty Princess, now she's more lusty teenager with personal space issues. Taking off in what was presumably the direction of the guest room, she walks ahead of me, swishing her tail and rear in what is presumably an attractive display. Not to me though. Not in the least.
So we're walking through Canterlot castle. By the way, its amazing! It's really hard to describe without using big words, but the best description I could come up with is: Expensive without being gaudy, like someone has gone through the entire place and carefully considered everything. I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd individually checked each fiber in the carpets, that's how intense it is. The other thing about ye olde C-Castle is the fact that, outside of the rooms, everywhere is amazingly cold! Vast, kilometer long stretches of completely unheated corridors!
Naturally, my guest room is at the furthest point of that damn place. Ponies have their coats of fur, so they don't feel how cold it is, but my t-shirt covered body certainly does. After a minute or two of walking, my teeth start to quietly chatter, I involuntarily shiver and that was possibly the worst thing I could have done. Luna slows down enough so we're walking together, then suddenly I feel something on my shoulder that pulls me towards her so we're touching side to side. Glancing at what pulled me, I find a large blue wing touching and covering most of my back. I'm moderately surprised at the sudden feeling of warmth from that feathered appendage when she turns her head and smiles at me.
"Better?" She asks coyly.
"Err. Yes. Thank you." What? I'd rather not die of hypothermia! Yes, I'm technically encouraging her, but fuck it, I'm freezing!
After another couple of minutes walking together in silence, for which I am eternally thankful for, we arrive at the door to the guest room. Luna opens the door, we go inside to reveal an absolutely massive room! There's a four poster bed, a wardrobe the size of a small tank and several massive windows. Seriously, I've been to some posh hotels and this place makes them look like 2 star Bed and Breakfast. My shock was obviously written all over my face as I hear the door shut, followed by a gentle giggle.
"So I take it you like it?" There's even a chandelier in the ceiling!
"...."
"Equestria to Shade, hellooo?"
"If this is where the guests sleep, I can't imagine what your room must look like." Luna blushes and I feel a tremble in my gut. It was just an idle comment! It means nothing! Fuck. I need to nip this in the bud before I get roped into a serious bondage... NO, bad imagination! Facing her, I put on my most sincere voice.
"Listen, Luna, I like you b..." Before I can finish, she slams me forcefully to the ground and jumps ontop of me. Jesus christ! She's grinning like a madman. Woman. Mare. Whatever! It looks crazy!
"I like you too, Shade!" Her face is a mere inch from my own.
"That's great, b..."
I'm quite a young man, but before I got magic I strived to experience new things as much as I could. I've been diving, flown single engine planes, fired assault weapons and pretty much tried every food on the planet. My catchphrase was 'I'll try anything once'. Well, that day I had to modify it slightly to 'I'll try almost anything once.' Why? Because that batty horse kissed me and then suddenly... MOUTHFUL OF PONY TONGUE!
Incidentally, if you're wondering what a mouthful of pony tongue is like, go to your nearest shop and get three or four packets of ham (Thin slice for four, thick slice for three) and a single blueberry. Open the packets, stack all the ham together and cut the sides off so its long and roughly tongue width. Smoosh that blueberry on the top for flavor and then try and shove the whole thing into your mouth. Congratulations, you are now an idiot. Also, you've experienced MoPT! You're welcome. Sort of.
Back to the moment, I use the term 'kiss' in the loosest possible way. Actually, forget that, it was more like a dental examination with the dentist using her tongue instead of proper instruments. Slavering over my wisdom teeth, she seemed to be having the time of her life as I reached up and pushed her off me. Pulling back, her eyes filled with a look of schoolgirl-like glee.
"Oh Shade, you naughty human." She apparently didn't understand the look of sheer disgust on my face. "I didn't know you liked it rough." You've got to be kidding me.
"I don't." I splutter out while debating the idea of simply punching out a demi-goddess and legging it.
"Uh huh." She smiles coyly. "Oh is that the time? I have duties to attend to, I'll come back later so we can have dinner together, we can 'talk' more then!"
There is a blinding flash of light and suddenly Luna has vanished into thin air. Huh. Teleportation spells? Well that's... NO! FOCUS DAMNIT! CRAZY DEMI-GODDESS DITCHING FIRST! CURIOUSITIES LATER! I pull myself off the floor, wiping some pony drool off my face. Right, time to escape before I become some sort of concubine to that nutbag. First thing I try is the door, which turns out to be locked from the outside. 'Be our guest' Celestia said! This is just her civilised punishment isn't it? Summon a deadly firestorm and get mouthraped by Luna! Play royal tongue dueler until it falls off! Well not today you white-hearted bitch! I'm Shade and if there is one thing I actually know how to do, it's running away!
Ok, calm down, there are windows with balconies. Maybe I can slip out and do the old 'Assassin's creed' ledge walk to some safer place. Walking to those windows, I do admit this would be a really nice place to crash were it not for the neighbors. Throwing them open, I walk out into the glorious mid-afternoon air. I put my hands on the handrail and just soak up the view for a moment. The sun beaming down on me feels like its warming my very soul, the air is incredibly refreshing and the view is absolutely beautiful. I almost forgot the reason I was panicking about escaping it was so good, until I move my tongue slightly and the taste of blueberries brings reality crashing down on me.
Finally, I look around to see how I'd be escaping this nightmare. A quick survey of the place reveals how fucked I am. The castle is built on a mountain side, the next balcony is about fifteen feet away and the very worst part?
It's atleast a 200 foot drop to the ground below.
Well. Fuck.