//------------------------------// // Pt. 3 (Pain) // Story: An American Dude in Equestria // by Shadowmane //------------------------------// “The bird a nest, the spider a web, ponies friendship.” — William Blake I carefully stirred the big pot that was filled with steaming chili. A ton of beans, tomatoes, garlic, mild peppers, various spices, and a diced onion had gone into the simmering mix, and a rich odor was coming out. “That smells great,” Twilight remarked. She had been skeptical at first, but had quickly changed her mind after it all came together. After seeing the resulting food for herself, she had invited the other five ponies to come to the library and eat as well, and they were all waiting impatiently for it to be done. “That does smell mighty tasty,” Applejack put in. Just a minute ago she'd won four consecutive hoof-wrestling matches with a slightly battered-looking Rainbow Dash. “Absolutely divine,” Rarity added. “I can't wait to try it.” Fluttershy and Spike were sitting calmly on a nearby bench and neither of them said anything. I took the spoon out of the chili and tasted it. It was good, but... “It could be a little spicier, but I guess it'll—” “You need to make it spicier?” Pinkie Pie's upside-down face was suddenly in front of mine. Our noses were actually touching and I still have no clue how she was holding herself up in the air over the pot. “Yeah, but I'm sure it'll be fine as it is. It's pretty close to how I remember it, and we don't want to make it too spicy.” What it really needs is some meat, I didn't say. “You can never have it too spicy!” the pink pony shouted. “Wait here, I'll be right back.” Pinkie then ran out of the library at top speed. Before we'd stopped looking at one another in confusion, she was back with a small plastic bag in her mouth. Inside the bag were two plump, medium-sized peppers—one red and one green. On the outside of the bag was a sticker with a black skull-and-crossbones on it. “Where'd ya get those?” Applejack asked. She looked a little worriedly at the sticker as Pinkie took the peppers out of the bag. “I bought them from Pasilla last week,” Pinkie said proudly as she pulled out a sharp knife and diced the peppers on the cutting board in a flurry of flashing steel. “She said they're called ghostie peppers, but I thought they looked too silly to be scary. I was saving them for something extra special.” As she slid the chopped-up bits into the chili, an ominous hissing came from the pot. Pinkie then stirred it with a cheerful hum for a few moments, which turned to a “hmm?” of surprise as she lifted the spoon out again. The wood had shriveled to a blackened smoking stump. Pinkie shrugged and licked at the bit of chili that was still stuck to the end of the ruined spoon. “Perfect!” she declared giddily as thin tendrils of black smoke came billowing out of her little ears. “Uh, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stay after all,” Rarity took a few backward steps towards the door. “I've just realized that I have to change something on my dress. Perhaps we can try again another time?” “Umm, I...I think I forgot to give the bunnies enough food,” Fluttershy also retreated away from the chili. “I'd better, uh, get back to studying for, uh, something,” Twilight gave me an apologetic glance. “I'll get something to eat later.” “I'd better come and help you with that,” Spike said, quickly seizing his opportunity to get away. “We'll I guess that means more for us!” Pinkie said happily, oblivious to the terrified glances that the others were giving the pot. “Actually, now that I think about it—” Rainbow's attempt to escape was cut off as Applejack set a hoof on her tail and gave her a look that was half-glaring and half-pleading. “Five bits says Ah can eat more o' this stuff than you.” Rainbow balked for a moment. She gave another apprehensive look at the sizzling pot, then looked to Applejack, then stared at the chili again. She swallowed hard. “Make it ten and you're on,” she said in a brave but not-quite-certain voice. As I filled up four big bowls of the chili, I thought that I heard faint evil laughter coming from the food. You're just imagining things, the rational part of my brain assured me. Then why is the spoon all burnt up like that? some other area of my mind shot back. As soon as Pinkie got her bowl, she poured the entire thing into her mouth at once. “Mmmm, that's really good!” she said earnestly as she licked up every bit. Despite her smile, I could have sworn that I saw flames coating her entire tongue. Judging by their uneasy glance at each other, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had noticed it too. I looked down at my bowl as Pinkie went for seconds. The chili didn't look threatening, but it still put a knot in my gut. Well, you shouldn't cook what you're not willing to eat, a decidedly irrational section of my brain reminded me. Still, this is probably gonna hurt like hell. * * * * * “How are you all feeling today?” Nurse Redheart asked brightly as she pulled back the medical curtain. “Ughhh,” was the simultaneous reply from Applejack, Rainbow and myself, who occupied three hospital beds. It was the second morning after the chili incident, and the pain still hadn't stopped. The burning in our mouths had been bad enough (even after about thirty-eight hours, I could still feel a slight tingling on my tongue), but the dizziness, headaches, nausea, and agonizing stomach cramps had been so serious that even the stubborn Applejack hadn't resisted the need to find a doctor. “You have a visitor today, dears,” the nurse strode off and Twilight walked in cautiously. “Sorry I took so long to get here. I went through my books and talked to Pasilla to learn more about those peppers—” “So how are you gonna fix us?” Rainbow Dash interrupted as she sat up with a grimace. “Do you have a spell?” Twilight shook her head. “The only thing that I found that might help is aloe, and Nurse Redheart is going to brew some tea to put it in. Other than that, we'll just have to wait until the effects wear off, which might take up to a week.” “That's great, just fuckin' great.” Rainbow slumped back in her bed with a groan. She'd picked up my entire vocabulary of swearwords over the past day or so and had even invented a few of her own, such as “shitracks” and “cocksocket,” whatever those were supposed to mean. If I'd been in better condition, I would have been somewhat mortified by this. “Any other good news?” Applejack spoke up, only the slightest trace of irritation coloring her voice. “Well, since Pinkie's fine, we can probably assume that this won't cause any lasting damage.” Twilight frowned. “I've seen her put hot sauce on cupcakes, but I still can't believe that she ate nine bowls of that chili and it didn't affect her at all.” “I'll bet she's laughing her ass of at us right now,” Rainbow growled. “Probably her idea of a sick joke.” “Rainbow Dash, ya know that ain't fair,” Applejack winced as she spoke. “Neither was putting those 'ghostie peppers' in the chili!” Rainbow shot back with a sneer. “How's she been, Twilight? Is she still wearing that stupid little grin of hers and laughing about how good she got us?” “She feels completely horrible about what happened!” Twilight snapped. “She didn't know that this would happen, and the guilt is probably giving her worse pain than those peppers gave you! She didn't laugh at anything yesterday, and you know how she thinks her own breathing is the funniest thing ever. Even worse, her hair's gone flat again! Don't you remember how upset she was the last time that happened?” Twilight's glare made Rainbow's scowl disappear. Instead, it was replaced with...something else. Remorse? Uncertainty? Confusion? Twilight kept glaring at Rainbow for a few seconds after the blue pegasus dropped her eyes. Then she trotted to the foot of my bed and looked right at me. “Are you okay, Jesse? You haven't said anything.” I was having difficulty seeing less than two Twilights. “Yeah, sorry 'bout that. My brain's not working so good right now. I've been having trouble sleeping.” In truth, I hadn't slept at all. The cramps only died down when Rainbow and Applejack wouldn't stop arguing with each other. Once it was quiet again, the pain came back full force. It was like the peppers were deliberately screwing with me. I didn't know how much more I could take before I snapped and disemboweled the others so that I at least only had one thing to bother me. Twilight nodded sympathetically. “Pinkie wanted me to ask if you were mad at her too. If you were upset at her for ruining the chili and putting you through this.” “I am, but I'm not, if that makes any sense,” I shrugged. “Ya don' seem angry ta me,” Applejack observed. “I never do until I'm about to lose it,” I replied a little more testily than I meant to. Twilight nodded again. “Well, I've got the cards that you wanted. Rarity made them herself.” She reached into the saddlebag that I hadn't noticed and pulled out a small felt pouch. Inside was a standard deck of playing cards, which, oddly enough, the ponies hadn't invented yet. They had other kinds of cards, but not the regular 52-card set. Yesterday, despite the pain, I had told Twilight how they should be made and what they were for. This was both to give Equestria a simple thing from Earth and to help pass time in the hospital. “Thanks,” I muttered as I opened the pouch and looked through the cards to make sure that all fifty-two were there. The one on top was the three of diamonds, which had been made to look just like Rarity's cutie mark with bright blue gems that seemed to sparkle and shine from the card's surface. Curiously, the rest of the diamond cards had dull red shapes that were comparatively boring, just like Earth cards. The bottom card was the ace of hearts, with the words “Get well soon!” in Rarity's curly handwriting (hoofwriting? hornwriting?) in the corner. The large red heart had vines of ivy wrapped around the edges and a big pink rose stuck out from behind it. Stylish shadows and highlights that couldn't have been easy to draw had also been added. It was much fancier than the pictures for the other aces or for the face cards. Am I reading too far in to this, I wondered as I looked at the card, or did she just use the deck to sneak in a love note? “These are really nice,” I said instead, reserving my judgment for later. “Could you tell her that I appreciate her doing this?” “Sure,” Twilight quickly glanced around and dropped her voice. “She seemed really worried about you especially. Maybe she's just concerned because we don't know anything about humans and how you deal with illnesses, but I think there's more to it. If you ask me, I think that—” She was cut off as a bright pink balloon suddenly flew in past the curtain. As it spun around, we could all see that it had “Forever!” printed in a darker shade of pink on the side. It hung there in the air for a few seconds before bursting apart with a soft pop and falling to the ground. Twilight's face was suddenly filled with discomfort. “Oh, I almost...I mean...,” she stammered, then paused and tried to force a smile. “I...I think that she feels bad for not eating the chili with you three. Yes, that's what I meant. Oh, would you look at the time! I'm going to be late for, uh, for something.” She unceremonious bolted for the exit. “Is it the same something that you had to study for the other night?” Rainbow called out sarcastically as the unicorn left our view. There was no response. “That gal never was good at keepin' secrets,” Applejack muttered as she shook her head. “Even if Ah was blind I coulda seen right through that.” I frowned as I shuffled the cards. Guess I wasn't reading too deep after all. Spike is gonna be pissed. It tried to get the thought out of my head. “Do you two want to learn how to play Go Fish or Blackjack first?” * * * * * “Are you peeking at my cards?” Rainbow Dash had grown steadily more irritated as the day wore on and she kept losing. “'Course not, there jus' ain't that many cards left ta choose from,” Applejack said, keeping her temper in check like she had for the past few hours. “Got any sixes?” Rainbow angrily tossed a card onto the orange pony's bed. “That's four times in a goddamn row! I don't care what you say, I know you're cheating somehow!” “An' Ah know that yer jus' bein' a sore loser!” Shut. The fuck. UP! I screamed in my head as I shut my eyes even tighter and tried to ignore the urge to decapitate them both with the painting that hung on the wall. Again the cramps had begun to fade and again those two were bitching at each other. Am I ever going to get some sleep? I asked myself and tried to ignore the argument. At this point, forming even simple thoughts like those took a lot of effort. Nurse Redheart's tea hadn't helped at all. After the ponies had calmed down and started yet another new hand, it seemed that I would finally be able to get a little rest. Just as I was beginning to relax, however, I heard the metallic rasping of the curtain being whisked back again. What the fuck can it be now? I thought angrily. I opened my eyes and saw a blur of purple standing next to a larger greyish blob with specks of yellow on it. Once I put my glasses back on and forced my eyes to focus, the shapes turned into Twilight and Zecora. The zebra was curiously staring at me just like all the other inhabitants of Equestria, obviously not sure what to think. Twilight was smiling. “Get on your feet, everypony. Zecora's figured out how to make the three of you feel better. I don't know why it took me so long to think to talk to her.” “Ya know how ta fix us?” Applejack dropped her cards to the floor and sat up. Zecora nodded. “Some herbs of healing I have, your illness they will cure. Yet in their use some pain you three must endure.” “Well, we're already in a shitload of pain,” Rainbow winced as another cramp hit her. “What are we waiting for?” “I have prepared you a potion of wormwood and sherath; after it is drunk, you must soak in the bath.” “Another bath? Is that yer answer ta every problem?” Applejack looked a little doubtful. “The bath isn't to help make you better,” Twilight explained. “The potion's going to do all that by making whatever was in those peppers come out through your skin. You'll need to clean it off when that happens.” “This is safe, right?” I asked unevenly. Even after days without sleep, this seemed like an odd way to do it. Zecora nodded again, making the gold rings around her neck jingle. “This potion is benign, you will not be harmed. It will cause much discomfort, but there is no need for alarm.” “Her people have used this potion for generations to cure stuff like this,” Twilight reassured us. “Apparently a lot of the food where she's from will sometimes be poisonous, so they've figured out which combination of herbs will help them get better.” “Alright,” I heaved my body upright and carefully got to my feet. The room swam as I stood up and my vision flashed white for a few seconds, but I caught myself on the end of the bed and stayed standing. The dizziness passed after a moment, but my knees still felt weak. The others seemed to be having similar problems. “Well, let's get this over with,” I muttered and we all followed the zebra out of the hospital. * * * * * In the spa where I'd first met Rarity and Fluttershy, there was a large private room set up with three large bathtubs that were filled with water, steam, and suds. Next to them was a small iron cauldron of bubbling green goop. Nurse Redheart nervously watched as Zecora stirred her potion, sniffed at the blue smoke that it was giving off, and gave a satisfied nod. “The potion is ready, made with much ease. Drink from it now and be cured of your disease.” “Getting sick from eating peppers isn't the same as a disease. A disease is...is when...” Twilight's voice withered under Zecora's glare. “I'd like to see you try to make somet'ing rhyme wit' 'food poisoning!'” “Oh...right. Let me just get some bowls, then.” “Ah got 'em!” a little yellow filly who appeared out of nowhere said. She had three small ceramic bowls balanced on her back and a pink bow tied to her red mane. “Apple Bloom!” Applejack scolded. “What're ya doin' here? Does Big Macintosh know yer gone?” “It was his idea,” Apple Bloom protested with a hurt look. “He told me ta come over an' see if Ah could help.” “And we came along too!” Scootaloo stepped around the middle tub. A strange pounding and scraping sound suddenly came from the floor under Applejack's hooves. A few tiles lifted up seemingly of their own accord and Sweetie Belle climbed out of the resulting hole. “Here I am!” the little white unicorn said proudly. “We're gonna try to get our cutie marks for...uh...whatever it is that we're doing here.” “Medical assistants?” I offered. “Cutie Mark Crusader Medical Assistants!” the three fillies shouted in unison. “What were you doing under the floor?” Twilight asked seriously. Sweetie Belle scratched at her head just behind her horn. “I really can't remember,” she said sheepishly. There was a strangled grunt from my right, which it turned out had come from Rainbow Dash. Apple Bloom had somehow found a pressure cuff and slipped it over the pegasus' neck. With that in place, she started pumping it up to the max. Rainbow's eyes puffed up and her face started to turn purple as she fought for breath. Before I could ask the yellow filly what the hell she was trying to accomplish, I felt something sharp jab into my left ear. I jerked my head away and turned to see that Scootaloo was trying to shove an otoscope in there. She was wearing one of those mirrored doctor headbands on her forehead and a stethoscope hung around her neck. “The patient seems to be suffering from Fecal Encephalopathy,” the orange pegasus announced dramatically. “We'll have to amputate immediately. Somepony get a bone saw!” “No, I don't have Fecal Encephalopathy!” I insisted as Applejack ripped the pressure cuff off Rainbow's neck. I vaguely recalled coming across that phrase on the internet once and that it was doctor-speak that literally means “shit for brains.” I felt something pull at the back of my pants, followed by another stab of pain—this time it came right from my ass. I spun around to see Sweetie Belle holding a long, old-fashioned glass thermometer. “No,” I said evenly, despite my mounting frustration. “Just...just no.” “But we need to take your core temperature,” the little unicorn protested. Twilight rolled her eyes at the fillies' behavior and magically ladled out the green potion into the bowls while Nurse Redheart tried to get back all of her medical equipment. “You'll have only a minute or two before the effects start, so be sure to get in the baths before that happens.” “Yeah yeah yeah,” Rainbow cut in as she rubbed at her recently liberated throat with one hoof and grabbed a bowl with the other. “Let's hurry this up. I want to get flying again before it gets dark. Bottoms up!” She sucked all of her potion in at once, then abruptly gagged and brought a hoof to her mouth as her cheeks bulged out. She swallowed with difficulty and shuddered. “Holy crapstacks, that shit's horrible!” “You need ta watch yer mouth 'round mah sis, girl,” Applejack said seriously as she gave her hat to Apple Bloom. She then swallowed her own potion, also cringed, and climbed into the bath with a splash. She disappeared into the bubbles and water for a moment, then resurfaced. “Oh, that feels mighty nice.” I grimaced in advance and quickly shotgunned my potion as well. I could ignore the vile taste (it was like a mouthful of old bacon grease mixed with vinegar and liquified sauerkraut, if you wanted to know) and even the oily texture, but then the stuff came right back up! I forcefully swallowed it a second time, paused to make sure that none of it had come out my nose, and turned to the tub on the right. I pulled off my shoes and shirt and started working on my belt before it hit me. I glanced around and noticed that everypony was staring at me. “Do you mind?” I asked a little irritably. They looked around at each other in confusion. “What d'ya mean?” Apple Bloom asked. “I'm not really comfortable undressing with all of you looking at me like that. Especially with three fillies around.” “In case ya hadn't noticed, we don' normally wear clothes.” Applejack pointed out from her bathtub. “You're running out of time,” Twilight reminded me. I sighed in exasperation. “Alright, but I still don't like doing this.” I hesitated for a moment longer, then stripped off my pants. A sudden wave of dizziness hit me before I could make it to the tub and left me staggering for a few seconds. “What is that?” Apple Bloom gasped as I regained my balance. Scootaloo was staring at me and trying to figure out the same thing. I quickly got myself back under control, hopped into the tub, and gathered as many suds as I could over my groin. The water was pretty hot, but I could feel my face burning even hotter. “I didn't get a good look!” Sweetie Belle protested. She ran up to my bath and sunk her face right into the water over my crotch. For a few seconds, my mind completely shut down and my body refused to react. In fact, everyone seemed frozen in surprise. The only movement in the room came from the bubbles that swirled around Sweetie Belle's head. Then... “Aaahh,” Rainbow gasped in pain and slid under the water. As if a spell had been broken, everypony was moving again. I managed to move my arm and firmly lifted Sweetie Belle's dripping head out of the water by her horn. “The potion is working, that is plain,” Zecora announced. “We must leave these ponies and human to their pain.” Nurse Redheart ushered the fillies out of the room as Applejack gave a similar grunt of discomfort. Sweetie Belle seemed reluctant to leave, and for a moment I was afraid that she might try to get another look, but then she turned around and followed the others. Twilight gave me a strange glance as she closed the door behind them, and I could have sworn that she was blushing through her lavender fur. Before I could decide if I had imagined the redness on her face or not, the pain hit me too. My entire skin started to burn and itch, and sharper pains stabbed randomly all over my body. It was very uncomfortable, like a sudden fever had come upon me. Rainbow and Applejack were moaning softly out of sight. I glanced down at my arm as the burning grew more intense there and almost threw up at what I saw. A greasy black liquid was leaking out of my skin. It seemed to seep out from the same pores that the hairs were growing out of, which just seemed wrong on so many different levels. Without thinking, I plunged my arm into the water. The dark fluid washed right off, leaving no trace of its existence behind. More came out, and I rinsed that off too. Surprisingly, I was already feeling better. For every drop of that black stuff that came out, the pain subsided. Five minutes of scrubbing later, I was feeling great. The cramps, headache, and even my fatigue faded away. The other ponies were making less noise as well. I even thought that I could hear Rainbow laughing softly to herself. I stood up and let the last of the dark liquid slide off into the tub. I grabbed a nearby towel, dried myself off quickly, and got my clothes back on just before the others hopped out of their baths. “I ain't never felt so good in mah life,” Applejack grinned as she slapped her hat onto her still-soaking head. “Tell me about it,” Rainbow shook her tail out and flapped her wings. “Now let's get some food and go home.” Those last words made me realize just how hungry I was. After the chili, none of us had been able to swallow anything more substantial than the useless tea. It felt like the sides of my stomach were rubbing against each other. The door interrupted my thought as it squeaked open and Pinkie Pie poked her head in. I almost didn't recognize her with her poofy pink mane hanging flat and lifeless. The giddy spark that always danced in her eyes was gone and her usually hyperactive bounciness was replaced with an unsure, nervous plod as she stepped inside. “Uhh, hi...” she said uncertainly and stared at the floor. “Pinkie Pie! What're ya doin' here?” Applejack asked loudly. She also seemed surprised at the change. “I just...” Pinkie swallowed hard and winced. “I just wanted to...to c-come by and see how you were doing. Twilight said th-that something was going on.” “We're better now, thanks to Zecora,” I said with a nervous glance to the others. The change in Pinkie's demeanor was really unnerving. “She made a potion that got rid of whatever was in those peppers.” Pinkie cringed and rubbed at the floor with her hoof. “Oh. A-about that. I also wanted to...I wanted to say that I'm sorry for putting those things in your chili. I-I-I didn't know they were going to do this to you,” she finished pleadingly. Tears were welling up in her eyes and her tail was flopping around in agitation. “We know,” I said as reassuringly as I could. I hate to admit it, but this new Pinkie Pie was starting to scare me. “You were just trying to help, and we understand that. I won't hold it against you.” “Ever'thin's better now,” Applejack tried to soothe her with a warm smile. “Don' worry yer li'l head 'bout it no more. We still love ya, an' we forgive ya. Ain't that right, Rainbow Dash?” Rainbow's face was contorted into a bunch of emotions at once. One moment she was scowling, then frowning, then half-smiling half-surprised, then furious, then some kind of expression that I had never seen anywhere before, then scowling again, then her features froze in a blank, unreadable stare. She tried to say something, but stopped. Pinkie took a step back from the pegasus. “I...I can see that you're still up-upset. I'll...I'll just go and...and—” “Hold on!” Rainbow cried out in a strangled voice and flew over to Pinkie. The pink pony froze in panic, her moist eyes growing wider than ever. “I...I just...I was...” She stopped as Rainbow threw her hooves around her neck and hugged her tight. “It's alright, Pinkie,” Rainbow said softly. “I know you didn't mean to hurt us.” “You mean it, Dashie?” “Yeah, I really do.” Rainbow's eyes were a little shiny too and her cocky smile came back. “Just promise that you'll be more careful with what you put in the food from now on.” “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Pinkie grinned. She pulled Applejack and me into the hug too as her mane poofed out to its usual level of absurd fluffiness. The air suddenly smelled like cotton candy and all the colors in the room were noticeably brighter than before. Applejack shrugged and hugged back. Ah, what the hell. I added my arms to the embrace too. (Feel free to go “D'awwwww.”) The hug dragged on for a minute or so before my stomach growled loudly enough for the ponies to hear. At the sound, Pinkie abruptly let go and the three of us crashed to the floor in a confused heap. “Come on, everypony!” Pinkie bounced up and down, completely back to her normal energetic self. “Fluttershy's making some more of that chili just for you. No ghostie peppers in it this time, and that's a Pinkie promise!” “Sounds good ta me,” Applejack smiled as she put her hat back on again and stood up. It sounded like a pretty good idea to me and Rainbow Dash too. Happy End!