//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Any publicity is the type that will get you in trouble at some point! // Story: All that Glitters is Gold // by Bucephalus //------------------------------// All that Glitters is Gold Chapter 2 Any publicity is the type that will get you in trouble at some point! “Ugh… I can’t believe this. Wakin’ up at the evening, goin’ ta bed at sunrise… What sort ‘a life is this?” Short Fuse spat to the ground, angrily grumbling about her current situation. She was making her way to the less fancy parts of Canterlot, ones conveniently hidden on the other side of mountain. That way, whenever Canterlot was filmed, the poorer districts did not show on television. On these streets, red lights and flashy neon signs shone everywhere, announcing more-than-dubious shops with more-than-suspicious patrons. This was the somewhat ugly truth that hid in the shadows of every city: the tough but sometimes warm world that seemed to be completely separated from the happy life of the official cartoon. Since the kingdom opened its borders, it had been here that the immigrants of Canterlot had been shoved, where they would not be in the way of the rich and beautiful. In other words, it was the true cultural melting pot of Equestria. Ponies, gryphons, creatures from all around the world and from all walks of life gathered into the northern districts of Canterlot. In a city that barely acknowledged them, they had created their own little safe haven, where the odd were understood, where the deviants were tolerated and where the strange were accepted. It was just the type of place one could see in an late night documentary that you did not want your parents to find you watching. That did not mean that there weren’t any problems, far from it. This part of Canterlot never fell asleep. It was a cesspool of the worst creatures in Equestria, all banding together in a single place. But when you put groups so diverse in the same place, conflicts are bound to appear. Originally there had been just a single street called De Wallen, but soon, with the arrival of immigrants, there were four long streets running parallel to each other. There was Yoshiwara, the home of the Neighponese immigrants and the like. The street between Yoshiwara and De Wallen was Patpong, run by gryphons and other non-pony species. The northernmost street, near the outer wall, was called La Zona, where hooved species that stayed separate from ponies tended to live. Four streets, four crime syndicates that controlled them, and creatures from all over the world living on those streets: it was an area of constant struggle for survival, with crimes and fights being simply part of life. Short Fuse remembered from her time as a guard that those who were assigned to patrol the area cursed their luck. Together these four streets formed a single district of dreams, hopes, greed and life. In here you could be anypony you wanted to be, and nopony judged your way of living. If you simply abided by the unspoken rules, you would do well. This was Shangri-La. The home of the good, the bad and the ugly of Canterlot. As the noisy houses of Patpong Street changed to the overly colorful splendor of Yoshiwara Street, Short Fuse finally saw the place she had been looking for: a large hostess club called ‘Tenjiku’. A five-story pagoda painted in deep purple colors, with bright neon lights flashing in every corner and placards advertising the services provided inside. Connected to the base of that alluring building was a smaller house, equally Neighponese in style. The sign above the door read, in big black letters: “Gold Standard.” That was the name of the freelance group working in that building. The same group of freelancers that Short Fuse was part of. “This is, like, the life that can’t be shown in a Saturday morning cartoon,” the mare walking beside Fuse said. “The life behind the flashy exterior of Canterlot, don’cha know?” The mare with the sand-colored coat and the short brown mane was named Mineral Lick. She was one of the few friends that Short Fuse had made during the week she had been living in Yoshiwara Street. She was working as a cabaret girl on the same street, in other words, making sure the customers of the club remained filled with alcohol and their wallets remained devoid of bits. Mineral was a laid-back mare who thought of herself as extremely fashionable. Too bad the yellow Neighponese kimono she wore fit her as well as Shatner’s toupee. “You take that back! This fits me like crazy!” Mineral Lick complained. Sorry, girl. Your horrible fashion sense cannot be excused in any way. “Just ignore that,” Fuse advised her friend. “Ya will just go literally crazy if ya try ta argue with it. Anyways, goin’ back ta your previous topic. I know that it’s different here. But, ya know, is this alright? Showin’ something like this in a Teen-rated fanfiction?” “Don’cha sweat on the small details,” Mineral said and laughed. “There’s no visual, so we can just play dumb if we’re accused of something.” “Oi! Stop talkin’ about dangerous stuff like that!” As the two mares made their way down the streets towards the hostess club, they had to avoid groups of drunkards, courtesans going on their business, and passed-out politicians who had been thrown out of the bars. With the red lanterns and noise of a sleepless town as their backdrop, it created an atmosphere very unlike what Canterlot was normally like. While the merriment died down at the same rate as the sun came up, it was still a few hours till dawn. “But as crazy as this town might be, I kinda like it, too,” Short Fuse suddenly admitted. “We’ve got the office, I’ve got some friends, an’ since we got some bits from the last job, Fool’s Gold could pay the rent again. So all’s not bad. Anoddah job would be nice, but like I said, I can’t complain.” “Speaking of your boss…” Mineral Lick suddenly arched her eyebrows. “Is that him, like, over there?” Short Fuse looked where her friend was pointing, and to her horror and annoyance, she saw the familiar golden-maned stallion sprawled on the middle of street. Judging by how one Neighponese courtesan simply walked over him like he was a bear rug, he was completely plastered. Closer inspection by the mares proved these suspicions true. Fool’s Gold reeked of alcohol like a comedian after the Oscar Gala. “Boss… What do ya think you’re doin’?” Fuse inquired, a vein in her forehead twitching dangerously. “Ooooh! Hiiii! If it ishn’t the delinquent mare!” Fool’s Gold said with slurred words, opening his eyes. They were both pointed into the distance. “Actshually… ain’t there three of you? What did you a do? Find the mirror pond?” “The only thing I’ve found is a pathetic stallion,” Short Fuse growled. “Weren’t ya supposed ta pay the rent?” “Oh. That.” Fool’s Gold adopted a somber expression. “I kinda blew the money. You know, pachinko.” To emphasize his words, the stallion made the gesture of turning a dial with his right foreleg. That was the last straw. What had been a pulsating vein on the mare’s head turned into an erupting volcano of anger. Performing a roundhouse kick that defied her physique, Short Fuse launched Fool’s Gold into a flight. The drunken stallion crashed through the doors of the hostess club close to them, scaring both patrons and the hostesses inside. “What do ya think you’re doin’, ya #¤%@&$!?” Fuse roared so loudly that the whole street echoed. “Ya lost all our money into some ¤%&#@$£ foreign gamblin’ machine!?” “I jusht don’t know what went wrong!” Gold protested from the inside. “I know exactly what went wrong!” Short Fuse pointed an accusing hoof at the stallion. “Your brain is what went wrong! If I had ta compare, it’s on the level ‘a Tiger Woods gettin’ his putter stuck on multiple holes!” “Hey, Fuse, isn’t that a bit harsh?” Mineral asked, looking at her fuming friend worriedly. “He was, like, just drunk.” “Oh, I ain’t gonna let him off the hook this easily,” Fuse said, looking at her friend with furious eyes. “It’s ‘cuz I hafta ta explain this ta the Empress.” Mineral Lick tilted her head. “Empress?” **** “So… let me get this straight. Y’all lost the money ya were supposed to bring to me… because this foolish stallion decided to gamble on one of the pachinko parlors?” The pegasus mare, sitting on an extravagant cushion in the corner of the room, was as beautiful as she was intimidating. She was taller than most stallions, yet alluring to behold. Carefully applied make-up enhanced her foreign appearance, and her milky white coat was in perfect harmony with the expensive, red twelve-layer kimono she wore. She used her right wing to hold her Neighponese pipe, a kiseru with a long shaft and an intricate bowl. This mare’s blazing orange mane had been elaborately put up, showing just how important she was in the Yoshiwara Street. The mare’s name was Kishi Kaisei. To the locals who were not Neighponese, she was simply known as Phoenix Empress: the feared owner of hostess club Tenjiku. Empress was also, to his great misfortune, the landlord of Fool’s Gold. “I-I’m really sorry!” Short Fuse bowed her head repeatedly. “Ya gotta believe me, it was this idiot’s fault! We’ll get your money, I swear!” They were currently in the office of Gold Standard, the freelance agency of the trio. As it was in the side building of Tenjiku, the rent was naturally paid to the fearsome mare who owned the club. Now, in the morning light of the sun, the dangerous allure of the main building was gone, but here in the office, a completely different kind of danger had arisen. “Stop shouting, you two…” Fool’s Gold moaned and hung his head. “I think I’m gonna puke because you keep breaking the sound barrier.” “What am I, Bell X-1!?” Fuse asked. “I ain’t even a pegasus, for Celestia’s sake!” “There, there,” Ambra, who was currently rubbing the back of the badly hungover Fool’s Gold, said. “Let it all out. It’ll feel better.” “No ya don’t!” Fuse retorted, looking rather horrified. “If ya puke in here, I’m a smack ya through the roof!” “Now, quiet down, ya’ll. To be perfectly honest, I don’t care if ya turn into X-1s or X-Men or whatever. Just fork over my money,” Empress said, cutting into the argument of the trio. “No, if we turn inta X-Men, we’ll have a whole other can ‘a worms open regardin’ copyrights,” Fuse answered. “This story’s already spiralin’ ta its doom.” “X-Men?” Ambra tilted her head. “Rogue. I wanna be Rogue.” “Shaddap! You’re just makin’ the situation worse!” Fuse shouted before she could calm herself down. “You know…” Regaining his composure a little, Fool’s Gold braved on despite his hangover and faced Empress. “Even if you want your money, the mistake’s done already. I blew it all on gambling. So tough luck, Cypress.” There was a whistling sound that cut through the room. As a reward for his bad joke, Fool’s Gold got the mare’s pipe thrown straight to his forehead like a dart. The stallion’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell backwards, crashing to the floor. “Who’s a cypress!? Are ya making fun of my height, huh!?” Empress roared, her nostrils flaring. “Keep at it, ya pyrite bastard, and y’all will find yourselves without a place to stay!” “C-chill out, Empress!” Short Fuse hurried to the rescue of the stallion. “He’s an idiot, sure, but it’s true. We’re all outta money. Can ya think ‘a any way we could make it up to ya?” The older mare frowned, adopting an expression that made both Short Fuse and Ambra retreat few steps. With a clear hint of annoyance, Empress yanked the kiseru out from the forehead of Gold with her enormous wing and brought it to her lips. She took a drag, closed her eyes, and blew out a cloud of smoke. The wrinkles on her forehead grew in number as the mare descended deep into thought. A tense silence fell upon the office, and Short Fuse found herself sweating bullets. Finally, Empress opened her eyes. “There’s one thing y’all could help with. I ain’t saying ya lot are off the hook or anything, though,” Empress spoke, her heavy courtesan accent shining through. “The thing is, I’ve a problem y’all might be able to help me with.” “Oh, no, no-no-no!” Fool’s Gold, who had finally recovered, hurried to shout. “I know what sort of tasks you give to ponies! It’s either something humiliating, something extremely dangerous, or something that we can’t show in a PG-13 story! Or all of them at once!” “Pipe down, fool. This is serious,” Empress said and scowled at Gold. “The thing is, an associate of mine is in trouble. If ya help this pony, I’ll count this month’s rent as paid.” “A bodyguard job?” Short Fuse said and sighed. “I guess I’ll hafta forget watchin’ today’s episode of The Colt ‘n the Beautiful.” “Again with those soap operas!” Fool’s Gold groaned. “Can’t you just get a VCR, or something? If you’ll decline jobs because they clash with the reruns of those idiotic series, we might as well close the shop.” “Mm. I’ve got VCL,” Ambra interjected. “Good enough?” “We’ve all got VCL! I’d be pretty damn worried if we didn’t! So stop it with the stupid jokes!” Gold retorted, swatting the gryphon with his hoof. “Anyways, that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that the pony we gotta bodyguard is bound to be one of those perverted aristocrats who frequent the club. I don’t want to play a babysitter for some creepy geezer.” “On the contrary…” Empress smirked at the trio. “This ain’t a bodyguard job. Y’all will have to help somepony out of trouble. Easy as that.” Under the doubtful gazes of Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold, Empress clapped her hooves together two times. This seemed to alert someone who was on the other side of the door that led into the club. There were two doors in the office: One leading straight to the street, and one leading to the backrooms of the hostess club next door. The latter was almost never used, and if it was, it was usually by Empress. So it surprised the trio to see the wooden door slowly open so tenderly it was almost meek. “Let me introduce you,” Empress said and glanced sideways at the pony standing in the doorway. “This is one of my club’s best employees: Maccha.” Contrary to the expectations of the trio, the pony standing in the doorway was anything but a geezer or a pervert. She was a tiny mare, only a bit larger than a filly. Her light green coat was perfectly matched by her deep green mane, which had been tied to two buns, one on each side of her head. She wore a simple white yukata, like many of the mares working in the hostess club. When she saw that she was under the scrutiny of so many stares, Maccha squeaked and hid behind the door, peeking into the room. The way this reaction changed Gold’s attitude was rather remarkable. “Now, now, don’t be afraid, little girl,” the stallion said and was quickly by Maccha’s side. For some reason, it seemed like his whole being was sparkling. “I would not hurt a beautiful mare like you. After all, I am as tender as an angel. Or, if you’d prefer, I could be a devil, too, just for you.” “What’s wit’ this host-mode activation!?” Short Fuse shouted in shock. “He’s like anoddah pony completely! Just how two-faced is he!?” “Inversion,” Ambra commented, clapping her claws together in realization. “Maccha made him macho.” “Stop it with such horrible jokes!” Fuse retorted, swatting the gryphon. “We already have enough problems as it is!” As Fool’s Gold guided the meek mare into the office, both Short Fuse and Ambra eyed her with growing confusion. They found it hard to believe that someone as small and gentle as her could have gotten herself involved with something dangerous. Even when Gold had her sit down in a chair and started tending to her just like a real host, the mare seemed nothing more than background pony from the cartoon who had somehow found her way into a completely wrong story. “Now, Maccha. Why don’t ya tell these three about the problem you have,” Empress said, raising her eyebrow at the small mare. “Ah, before that…” Maccha said, fidgeting around. She gazed at the trio gathered in the room, and a bright blush spread across her face. She put her hooves into her thick mane… “Could I serve you some tea?” … and fished out a full Neighponese tea set, putting it on the table before them. “So that’s where ya got your name froooom!?” Short Fuse roared at the sight of the tea set. “Just how unoriginal can ya get?! Don’t tell me that’s your whole character trait!?” “Ah, yes,” Maccha answered and smiled embarrassedly. She raised the hem of her yukata, showing off her Cutie Mark. It was a grey cup on its side, with green liquid oozing from inside and creating a puddle. “As you can see, my Cutie Mark… is a cup of green tea.” “More than green tea, ain’t that a barrel ‘a some really dangerous substance!?” Fuse retorted. “Ya sure your name ain’t Magnox instead!?” “Yes, quite sure,” Maccha answered, tilting her head in confusion. “Now, would you… want some tea?” In the time it had taken for Short Fuse to protest about the existence of Maccha, the small mare had already finished preparing three cups of green tea. Using a rather expensive-looking pot, she poured the liquid into three cups before putting them on the table. The delicious aroma floated in the air, and to her annoyance, Fuse saw that Fool’s Gold and Ambra were already enjoying their cups with unfittingly content expressions on their faces. “Why are ya takin’ this so leisurely?” Fuse roared at them. “We hafta do this job, or we’ll lose the office!” “Calm down, delinquent girl. Your retorts are getting out of hoof,” Fool’s Gold answered. “We ain’t doing a manzai here, so lay off it, will you?” “We aren’t?” Ambra asked, looking up to the stallion with a confused expression. “I thought Fuse was that one character. You know. One with Kansai dialect. Hence, manzai.” “Stop makin’ jokes the readers won’t get, ya featherbrain!” Short Fuse shouted, swatting the gryphon once again. Then, giving a sigh that was like a balloon deflating, she sat and took the tea meant for her. “Just… let’s just get on wit’ the problem, ya know? I feel like cryin’…” After the strange situation had finally calmed and the trio had finished their tea, Empress finally gave a nod for Maccha to start her story. Switching her posture a couple of times uncomfortably, the mare took one look at Fool’s Gold, who patted her encouragingly on the shoulder. Then, taking in a deep breath, Maccha began talking. “Um, yes… well…” Maccha said, trying to find the right words. “I’m… I’m in bit of a bind. That is, in lot of trouble. You see… We are hostesses. We aren’t supposed to fall for our customers, or get serious with them. Yet… I did that mistake. I started feeling more for this one stallion that frequently requested for me… High Hopes was his name… and we, sort of, started to see each other. I knew it was a mistake but I… fell in love with him, no matter how odd it may seem. And he loved me too. But then, he had the chance to rise in the ranks of the aristocrats of Canterlot, and, you see… we had to put an end to our relationship. An influential politician can’t have a hostess as his girlfriend.” “What, you want us to make him take you back?” Fool’s Gold suddenly asked, looking rather unimpressed with the story so far. “Don’t be an idiot. I’ve heard of High Hopes. He’s now one of the top dogs of Canterlot elite. He ain’t gonna even look at your way anymore.” “No, no, that’s… not it,” Maccha answered. She hung her head, staring dejectedly at the floor. “You see… someone sent me a letter. They threatened to… to… to reveal my secret. If I don’t pay them 20,000 bits by tomorrow, they’ll reveal the whole thing to the public! It’ll destroy my personal life and the dreams of High Hopes! This club will get a bad reputation because of my stupid, stupid mistake! I can’t let such a horrible thing happen!” With tears forming at the corner of her eyes, Maccha was forced to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Short Fuse put her hoof on her shoulder, trying to console the green mare. Even Ambra, who usually had eyes like those of a dead fish, seemed sorry about Maccha’s current situation. The young gryphon leaned forward in her chair, unable to find the right words to say. It was finally Fool’s Gold who broke the silence. “So? What do you want us to do, Maccha?” “I know it’s a lot to ask, but… but I need your help, Mr. Gold!” Maccha cried out. “There’s no way I can gather such a large sum of money by tomorrow! So… so… please lend me 20,000 bits!” In that instant, Fool’s Gold pushed Maccha’s head through the lid of the pot on the table, straight into the steaming hot tea. “Aaaaalright! Now that we’ve got the idiocy out of the way, can you tell what you really want us to do, Empress?” Gold asked, completely ignoring the struggling mare. “I think my ears just heard something unbelievably stupid, but I must’ve been wrong. I must’ve been wrong, riiiight?” “Indeed ya were,” Empress answered, taking a drag off her pipe. “I would not be foolish enough to ask money from somepony who would lose it in one night to slots and other forms of gambling.” “Then what it is? I’ll tell you right now, I won’t do anything that we’d need to censor,” the stallion said, frowning. “We’re still rated Teen, you know?” “Who’d want ya to do something like that!? Ya still seem to think you’re hot stuff, you pyrite bastard!” Empress roared. Then, after visibly forcing to herself to calm down, the mare continued. “Since it’s about money and scandals, I presume that I do have a pretty good idea who is behind this. Blackmail is a style of criminal activity the ponies who are in charge of De Wallen Street do. Ya should journey there. I am sure ya will find clues to the identity of our blackmailer there.” “De Wallen Street… do you mean that this is connected to the mafia of that place?” Fool’s Gold asked before clicking his tongue. He scratched the back of his head, which finally freed the struggling Maccha. The mare collapsed to the floor, trying to catch her breath. “Are you serious? Hostesses, blackmailing, politicians and mafia. That’d be enough to make anypony lose control of their bladder.” With sigh, Fool’s Gold used his magic to pick up the pack of cigarettes from the desk. He also brought forth his lighter, using it to light up the cigarette before bringing it to his lips. Taking a drag from the thing, he blew out a cloud of smoke. Watching the stallion smoke, Short Fuse frowned at him. “Shaddap. We don’t wanna hear about your bladder, ya know?” She said. “Keep ‘em stupid jokes to yourself.” “That wasn’t a joke,” Fool’s Gold answered, looking dead serious. “I really need to take a leak.” “Then go do it ‘n stop talkin’ about it!” Driven out of the office by Fuse’s angry comment, Fool’s Gold opened the door and exited to the streets. This left the three mares and one female gryphon alone in the office. Empress, having finished smoking her pipe, gave a long and tired sigh. She rose to her feet surprisingly nimbly despite wearing such a complicated and large outfit. Stretching all four of her legs and standing tall, she really showed an aura fitting for someone nicknamed “Phoenix Empress”. Even Short Fuse felt in awe while looking at the mare. “Question,” Ambra suddenly said, as she helped Maccha up from the floor. “Why us?” Empress seemed to be uncharacteristically surprised at those words. For a moment, she stayed completely silent. Then, after scratching her cheek awkwardly, she gave a dry smile to the pair. “Because I know that I can trust Fool’s Gold to help poor Maccha,” she said. “And for him to take ya two under his wing… that means I can trust ya too.” Hearing those words, both Short Fuse and Ambra smiled. A compliment from a mare as tough as Empress was one that really meant something. “Um, Empress… is it okay if I accompany them to De Wallen Street?” Maccha suddenly asked, gazing up to the older mare meekly. “I… I want to see this to the end… myself.” “Sure, go on and join these idiots on their task,” Empress answered and turned around, starting to leave the room. “That does remind me: I would suggest ya hurry after that fool. Right now he must already be on his way to De Wallen Street. After all, he does know how dangerous that place can be, and wants to keep you three safe.” “Y-yeah!” Fuse nodded. The trio hurried out of the office and onto the streets outside. There, they saw that the sun had already climbed high into the sky and it would soon be midday. The ponies that were walking around were not those who partied through the night. These were locals, ones living in this cold and warm, vulgar and gentle town. Hostesses, bartenders, courtesans, dancers, and escorts filled the streets, and nopony judged them as they lived their normal lives. It was a sight that only Shangri-La could present. There, amongst that crowd, was one golden-maned stallion, making his way through the crowds while smoking a cigarette and fiddling with his jutte using his magic. With the blue skies and the colorful buildings of Yoshiwara Street as a backdrop, the stallion’s strong back seemed like it was meant to be there: on the dirty, dusty, well-traveled streets. His posture was that of a pony who loved his town and whose town loved him back. “Oi, oi. Lay off a little, will ya, Narrator?” Short Fuse laughed. Sorry. I got little carried away there. “Hey! Gold! Where do ya think you’re goin’?” Fuse shouted while running afte him. Ambra and Maccha followed her. The stallion turned to look back, and when he saw the trio, his face broke into a weird grin. “Like I said, I need to take a leak,” Fool’s Gold said. “And my favorite public lavatory just happens to be in Da Wallen Street, you know?” “Oh, that sounds promisin’,” Short Fuse said and returned the grin. “Does it have an automated toilet?” “The seats,” Ambra continued. “Heated?” “You bet. And over twenty scents to sprinkle around after you’re finished,” Fool’s Gold said and laughed. “I’m sure we’ll catch a stench of something fishy in there. Who knows? It might lead us straight to some strange blackmailer, too. Does that sound good?” “Y-yeah!” Maccha chimed in, flashing a smile to the stallion. And so, with Short Fuse, Ambra, and Maccha following after him, Fool’s Gold headed forward, whistling a strange tune that put a spring into the hooves of the ponies. So it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story. Next time, our “heroes” shall dive into the plots of Shangri-La to uncover the true culprit behind the cowardly blackmail attempt. “Oi! Why are you putting quotations marks there you damn Narrator!?” Fool’s Gold shouted. Then, till the next time. “Don’t just ignore me! Oi!” **** All that Glitters is Gold Chapter 2: End. Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Minuette had a tight grip on her cola, and she kept slurping on it very noisily. After a while of the continuous sucking sound, Twinkleshine had had enough and punched Minuette in the ribs, nearly causing the other mare to choke on the cola. “G-gah! Why did you do that!?” Minuette asked, gasping for breath. “I nearly choked!” “You deserved it! What with all the toilet humor in the story, combined with that sound, I feel like I need to go to the toilet soon!” Twinkleshine complained. “Oh, it wasn’t so bad,” Minuette said and grinned. “I kinda like toilet humor. Do you know why?” “Well?” Twinkleshine asked. “Because I can end it by flushing it down the drain!” The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater. “Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”