Chapter Eight: Unfair odds.
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"Well... this sucks." Bassicus vocalized the duos thoughts.
"How did you teleport us into an Ursa Majors lung?" Luna asked with increduality.
"Easy mistake."
"There's nothing easy about it!" Luna shouted, covering her mouth with boths hooves as the sleeping ursa.
"Well look at it like this. At least you're not a total bitch."
"As soon as we get out of there I'm throwing you into low orbit." Luna growled.
"Easy now, wouldn't want to give the big guy a case of black lung." Bassicus chuckled, mainly because he was loading an ultra-charge canister into his Mini-Gatling Laser. "Better hold your tits!" He called out, taking aim and waiting.
"Hold my whats?! AHHHHH!!" Luna screamed as her world became an all consuming white light.
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Bob the Ursa was having a field day, first he'd feasted on a den of manticores, then he'd trashed some strange ponies hut in the everfree, and now he was terrorizing a small town outside the forest. Life couldn't be sweeter.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" A pony screamed as the entire town ran around in a blind panic as he destroyed buildings. Just as he was about to stomp on a unicorn filly with a blond mane and gray coat, he felt an intense burning pain in his chest, which promptly disintegrated and bled a beam of pure white light.
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"And that's how you break yourself out of a giant monsters lung!" Bassicus cheered, completely oblivious to the scathing look Luna was giving him.
"You're lucky that we were in the middle of the everfree, you idiot!" Luna yelled at him.
"Oh shit." Bassicus said, completely ignoring Luna.
"What did you do now?" She asked, facehoofing.
"Uh... you know how you said it was asleep?" He asked without turning back.
"Yes?" Luna half confirmed half asked him, a look of confusion on her face.
"Yeah. Well you were wrong."
"WHAT?!" Luna shouted, galloping up to where Bassicus was standing. "... Oh." As Luna looked out the massive hole in the Ursa Majors chest she saw a half destroyed Ponyville, its residents looking at Bassicus as he stood in the, still smoking, hole in the Ursa Major.
"Well, I think we'd best gap it." Bassicus said, before running away as fast as he physically could, smack bang into the Ursa Majors Adrenal Steroid Gland. "AHHHH! I'M BEING ATTACKED!!" He screamed in terror, flailing around and eventually ripping out the Adrenal Steroid Gland. "Oh. The hell is this?" He asked, holding up a vital part of how ursas get so massive.
"It's the Adrenal Steroid Gland." Luna explained.
"The hell's that?"
"It's the main source of hyper-growth hormones for an ursa."
"I see. I'll be taking this." As he said that, the item in question vanished into thin air.
"H-how did you do that?" She asked in shock.
"You mean your species doesn't have natural access to a personal pocket dimension that can also be opened by others during trades and pick pocketing?"
"No."
"Oh you poor creature, I'll get you a Pip-boy once we get back to Grpyhos." He said, resting a hand on her head as they both exited the Ursa Major.
"T-thank you Princess!" A filly called out from in front of the ursa.
"You're welcome." Luna thanked the filly in turn.
"Where'd you get that awesome pet?" An orange pegasus filly with a purple mane asked.
"I'm not a pet, you insolent child." Bassicus belittled Scootaloo. "Oh, MUFFINS!" He suddenly called out, leaping in the direction of Derpy's house.
"What's an insolent child?" Scootaloo asked luna.
"I'll tell you later, right now I have to stop Bassicus from tearing apart the town." Luna said to Scootaloo, before taking flight in the direction Bassicus ran.
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"-And that's my secret to making blueberry muffins." Derpy finished proudly.
"Interesting. I really should try to get my hands on some of these 'blue berries' you told me about." Bassicus told her, munching on a muffin all the while.
"Yay! And you should teach me your recipe for Deathclaw egg batter." Derpy cheered.
"I doubt you could get your... How did you get that Deathclaw egg?" He asked as he saw Derpy lift a Deathclaw egg from behind her kitchen bench.
"Pinkie gave it to me."
"I REALLY need to meet this Pinkie." Bassicus mused, unaware that at the exact moment he said that, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense told her there was a new pony in tow nthat she hadn't thrown a party for.
"I'm sure you'll find out soon." Derpy told him.
"Okay. Well I'd better be off now, see ya if I ever pass through here again." He said with a wave, exiting Derpy's house, only to be confronted by a ball of pink anti-physics. "Hello, stange neon pink pony." He said as he passed by.
"Huh? What, what just happened?" Pinkie asked in complete confusion, no pony had ever been able to ignore her before, she'd made sure of that the moment she came to Ponyville.
"Did, did Lunas new pet ignore Pinkie Pie?" A pony asked, only to have Bassicus yell in her mind '[it]I'M NOT HER PET[/it]'.
"Nopony ignores Pinkie Pie." Pinkie threatened, her mane falling limp and her vibrant pink coat turning a dull gray.
"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!" Bassicus cried out with a speed that would put Pinkie to shame as he ran back through Ponyville, leaving gouges in the cobblestone road were he placed his feet. He was flowed shortly afterwards by no less then fifty royal guards.
"Nopony ignores Pinkie." Pinkie Pie laughed, menacingly rubbing her hooves together. Just as the guards were running past her, Pinkie Vanished, only to reappear in a garbage can ahead of Bassicus. Timing herself just right, Pinkie leapt out of the garbage can and tackled Bassicus, or at least that was her original plan. Bassicus merely kept sprinting onwards, oblivious to the added weight that was, Pinkie.
"It's ponynapped the Element of Laughter!" One of the guards chasing Bassicus called out, only to explode after stepping near a Fragmine, which were now littering the street.
"Pegasi, take flight and chase after the creature whilst the unicorns take these devices in for study." The captain ordered.
Uh, sir? I think we may have a problem."
"And why's that?" THe captain asked, snarkily.
:Well, sir. It's running back this way."
"Ah. RUN!!!" The captain shouted, causing all the royal guards to flee from the charging wall of metal.
"Outta my way! My ex has giant motherfucking robot!" Bassicus yelled as he pushed past anything in his way. Following closely behind him was the mother of all robots, standing at thirty feet tall, The Annoyed Ex is a seemingly indestructable missile rack.
"Get back here Bassicus! I haven't castrated you yet!" A feminine voice hissed over a loud speaker.
"I quite like my reproductive organs, thank you very much!" Bassicus yelled back. Bassicus then felt an almighty force hit him square in the back, causing him to fly forwards and onto his front., giving the giant robot enough time to catch up and pin him down with a foot.
"Anylast words?" The robot asked.
"Yes, just the one." Bassicus said with a smirk. "Fly." At this single word, the robot was suddenly encased in a dark blue aura and flung into the atmosphere, where it was subsequently taretted by every missile, laser, and nuclear device Bassicus had on him.
"Oh I so hate you right now." was faintly heard from the robot.
"Yeah. Well... Fuck you too!" He said failing miserably to give an awesome comeback, he then opened fire on therobot, which caused a new mini-sun to exist for the next twelve minutes. "So, now that's done. I think it would be about the right time for me to grab Luna, and gap it!" He said, grabbing luna and activating his Juggernaught War Suits thrusters, causing him to accelerate to mach one point five.
"Slow down!" Luna screamed, but to no avail, as she was traveling faster than sound.
Upon seeing this affront to her title of awesomest flier in Equestris, Rainbow Dash took flight and did a Sonic Rainboom, and during all this, Pinkie was still latched onto Bassicus' lower thigh. Slowly plotting how she would get revenge on Bassicus for ignoring her, that was, however, until Bassicus neared Mach two.
"This is sooooo awesome!" She squealed in joy and amazement.
Rainbow Dash was stumped, this creature was even faster than her. Even after performing a Sonic Rainboom, this metal biped was still flying almost twice as fast as her, whilst carrying Princess Luna. She now stood, well flew technically, corrected, it was now travelling twice as fast as her. Pushing herself to her very limits, and then some, Rainbow Dash slowly started to ctach up, unbeknownst to her, however, she had managed to pull off a second Sonic Rainboom.
After having finally caught up to the princess and the metal creature, Rainbow Dash reached out to grab onto it, just as she got a firm grip, somehow, Bassicus accelerated yet again. With the added acceleration from Rainbow Dash, Bassicus went much, much faster than was possible in his War Suit. After breaking the sound barrier a third time, Bassicus tried to slw down, only to discover he coudln't. In a fit of blind panic, he activated his suits teleportaion system, effectively negating their forward momentum and firmly placing them on the ground.
"Well, that wasn't excepted." Bassicus said with a whistle, clearly not knowing that he should be experiencing the effects of massive G-forces.
"HEY, MONSTER! Let the princess go!" Rainbow called out from behind Bassicus.
"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash. How you been?" The creature waved at her. Wait a minute. Waved? What was going no here?"
"How do you know my name?" She asked suspiciously.
"We met like a few hours ago, relative to you at least."
"I don't know who, or what you are. But you'll release Princess Luna at one!" She demanded.
"Okay." Bassicus complied, gentlely placing Luna on the ground.
"If you ever break the sound barrier three times whilst holding me again, I'll have you gelded." She warned him.
"Oh thank celestia that you're alright Princess Luna." Rainbow Sighed in relief.
"No thanks to Bassicus, and his inane attempts at teleporting us back to Gryphos." Luna glared.
"Not my fault, the suit was only calibrated for one person. Be glad ending up in an Ursa Majors lung was the worst that happened. *Poorly muffled laughter*."
"What's so funny?" Luna asked, noticing Rainbow Dash also joined in the laughter.
"Nothing, Princess no fur." Bassicus said, which caused both him and Rainbow Dash to break out into laughter.
"What?" Luna asked before taking a look at herself and screaming her lungs out. "WHAT HATH YOU DONE TO MINE COAT!!!" She yelled in the RCV.
"Nothing, it must've been lost in the teleportation. Actually, I think I could respec a teleporter to turn normal energy into matter." Bassicus suddenly genioused, rubbing the chin of his helmet as well.
"You'd better hope my coat grows back, Bassicus." Luna warned.
"Wait. You're Bassicus? When I saw you on the airship you were wearing different armor." Rainbow Dash questioned.
"I went home and swapped it out for something alittle better suited for taking on a tyrant."
"Who's the tyrant? Did Princess Celestia tell you to go fight off some evil overlord in a far away land?" Rainbow asked, standing on her hind legs and punching her forehooves.
"Actually, she's the tyrant." Bassicus informed her.
"Huh. Now that I really think about it, Princess Celestia is sorta bossy. But that doesn't make her a tyrant!" Rainbow dash thought, defending her princess as well.
"She's purposely supressed technological development that could lead to her being dethroned, and anypony who gets any ideas about a non-monarchal government dissappears." Luna informed Rainbow Dash.
"Whoa, I guess she is a tyrant. But what could you hope to do against the goddess of the sun?" Rainbow asked Bassicus.
"I dunno. Raise a massive army and lead a rebellion against her." He shrugged.
"That's stupid, even I can see that." Rainbow told him, unknowingly calling herself stupid.
"Well, until I get my company set up in Gryphos, it's basically all we've got."
"We could get Twilight to help form a plan!" Rainbow dash proclaimed, patting herself on the back for her clever idea.
"She's too loyal to Celestia, she'd never plot against her." Luna burst Rainbows ego bubble.
"Oh. Well, if I come with you the elements will be useless."
"That's, actually a good idea Rainbow Dash." Luna said, shocked at Rainbows good idea. "But won't you miss your friends in Ponyville?"
"I'll come visit them from time-to-time. I'm not the fastest flier in Equestria for nothing." Rainbow dash claimed, reforming her ego bubble.
"I guess I could spare some space to build you somewhere to stay on the compound." Bassicus said, already thinking of how he was goping to design his compound.
"Actually, I could stay with Gilda." Rainbow told him.
"Wouldn't work, she's the crown princess to the griffon throne." Bassicus shot her down, only to miss entirely.
"I knew that. We WERE lovers whilst in flight school, ta know." Rainbow informed Bassicus, easily feeling the look he was giving her, even through his helmet.
"How old were you when this happened?"
"Eleven." Rainbow informed Bassicus. After a few seconds of silence, rainbow dash looked at Bassicus, not noticing any movement coming from him. "Uh, Bassicus. You okay?" She asked, prodding his leg slightly. After another minute Bassicus finally reacted.
"You had sex when you were eleven?" He nearly shouted.
"So? I've known ponies who've done it when they were eight. You okay Bassicus?" She asked him, hearing a large number of strange sounds emanating from his helmet.
Inside Bassicus' head, there was nothing but errors, system crashes, and the occasional system scan. After having to completely reboot, Bassicus was about to respond when Luna intervened. "The legal age for Ponies is six." This caused Bassicus to simply fall over and release an almighty. '[it]Error 962-B: Logical course of action indefinable[/it]'.
"Uh, what was that?" Rainbow Dash asked, rubbed her ears with her forehoof, as if that would make the ringing in her head go away faster.
"I-I think we broke him." After a few minutes of awkwasrdly standing around, Bassicus finally began to stur.
"Oh, my head." He groaned, climbing to his feet. "The hell happened?"
"I explained to you how fillies and colts of six and over are allowed to mate." Luna told him, only for him to nod and punch a non-descript cliff next to him.
"Ouch. That must've hurt." Rainbow Dash winced as Bassicus' fist created a ripple effect, which caused the surrounding area to become covered in a spider web of cracks. After a few seconds, the cliff finally collapsed revealing a hidden cave, full to the brim with gold, silver, priceless artifacts, weapons, jewelry, and gemstones.
"I call dibs!" Bassicus suddenly cried out, leaping into the cave and letting his inner keptomaniac loose.
"HEY! Let me have some too!" Rainbow dash called out, galloping after Bassicus, who had already relocated a full quarter of the horde to somewhere.
"Uh, guys, I think that this might belong to somepony." Luna called back.
"What?" Bassicus asked, as he neared the enterance to the cave he saw the reason why. Thirty dog-like creatures were pointing crude spears and swords at Luna. "This is my loot. Get your own." Bassicus warned, slowly reaching for his Atomic Tomahawk.
"Ponies not alouded to touch offering to great metal man." One of them said.
"What?" Luna and Rainbow Dash called out.
"Diamond Dogs make offering to Metal Man inorder to avoid his wrath." The same one as before explained.
"Sweet, if only these were worth anything backhome, then I'd be slightly richer!" Bassicus cheered, placing the last of the loot in his inventory.
"Is offering enough to please great Metal Man?" The, now obvious, leader of the pack asked.
"Yes. Yes it does. Don't suppose you could help us reach Gryphos, could you?"
"We have tunnels that lead to griffon allies capital." The leader said.
"Then lead us through them, as I intend to enact a plan to overthrow the tyrant, Princess Celestia." At this all the Diamond Dogs murmured amongest themselve.
"Diamond Dogs pledge their aid in Metal Mans war against the Evil Sun." The leader announced.
"Excellent, now I just need to get several more factions on my side and we're almost ready."
"Almost?" Luna asked.
"Well I still need to build us a base of operations." He informed her.
"Diamond Dogs help Metal Man build. Diamond Dogs good at digging."
"Excellent. Lead the way, fellow rebel." Bassicus gestured to the lead Diamond Dog, who took the hint and lead them through the canyon they hadn't noticed they were in, and into a large cave.
"Uh.I-I think I'll just wait outside." Rainbow Dash said.
"Don't be a pussy. I'm sure Gilda would enter a dark cave that only... everyone put her could see in without a source of light." Bassicus gave a man-the-fuck-up speech to Rainbow Dash.
"Oh yeah? I'll show you!" Rainbow said as she suddenly stormed past Bassicus ans into a position behind the lead Diamond Dog. "Lead the way." She told him.
"Diamond Dogs no listen to pony."
"Do this, and I won't let the Think Tank experiment on you." Bassicus told the Diamond Dogs.
"Okay, Follow Diamond Dogs."
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After three hours of spelunking, Bassicus' companions and guides were starting to get tired. "H-how can you be so fresh?" Luna gasped.
"I honestly dunno. One day eating, sleeping, drinking, and even going to the toilet, suddenly became optional." He shrugged.
"Diamond Dogs worship Metal Man as god." One of the Diamond Dogs said.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck." Bassicus moaned.
"What? Getting tired already?" Rainbow Dash asked, only slightly winded.
"No. It's just now there's two religions that worship me as a god."
"Isn't that kinda, I dunno, awesome?" Rainbow Dash asked him.
"Not really, considering my luck. I'm just glad they haven't gone on any 'Holy Crusades' in my name." He shuddered, the thought bringing up memories of the last religion ctarted around him.
"Oh, that would be bad." Rainbow Dash agreed. At that same moment, Scootaloo and the Rainbow Dash Fan Club were performing a ritual sacrifice to their enternal saviour, Rainbow Dash. "Huh, I suddenly feel stronger." Rainbow Dash mused.
"Well that's a good sign." Bassicus told her, picking up Luna and placing her on his back.
"Diamond Dogs ready to continue to griffon Capital." the Diamond Dog leader huffed.
"Then lead on, I guess." At that moment an ominous rumbling was heard. "Please tell me that was your stomach." Bassicus asked.
"It's just Diamond Dog military excersizes." The lead Dimond Dog explained.
"You guys have a military?" Rainbow Dash asked, she just couldn't rap her head around the primitive Diamond Dogs having an army.
"Yes. Ponyville Diamond Dogs rogue pack. We sent to wipe out, but Metal Man did it for us."
"You're welcome and it's Bassicus by the way."
"Halt. Who goes there?" A baritone, yet feminine voice called out.
"Pacification Squad six and the Metal Man, as well as Metal Mans companions." The leader replied, no longer in broken english.
"What'd he say?" Rainbow Dash asked Bassicus.
"You mean you didn't get that?" He asked in confusion, before it finally clicked in his head. "Hehe, I just realised, he was speaking mandarin."
"Mandarin?" The Diamond Dog Leader asked.
"It's the name of the language spoken by the chinese. They were on of the world super powers that participated in the Great War."
"Oh, We've never heard of them."
"Of course not, they're from my dimension."
"Could you please speak in Equestrian?" Luna asked, with Rainbow Dash noding in agreement.
"Fine, spoil sports."
"This way, the Alpha will see you."
"We actually escorting Metal Man to Gryphos."
"And why's that?" The baritone female asked.
"Metal Man is plotting to rebel against Princess Celestia."
"And he kidnapped Princess Luna why?"
"He didn't foalnap me, I decided to accompany him of my own free will."
"Why?"
"Because my sister is a tyrant that stripped me of my power and has perverted the elements of harmony to her own evil will."
"Oh, that's a good reason."
"I just realised something. Why do the female Diamond Dogs speak English better than the males?"
"Males are generally mentally inferior, but physically superior. Females are the exact opposite." The female Diamond Dog explained.
"I see, well I guess we can stop off for a quick meet with this 'the Alpha'."
"I have a question. What exactly IS the Alpha?" Luna asked.
"The Alpha is the all-father of the Diamond Dogs."
"Oh, so he's like the first Diamond Dog ever?"
"Yes."
"Ah, He must be old."
"Older than the princesses."
"Damn, their like five times older than I am."
"Wait, how old are you Bassicus?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"I stopped counting at two hundred and twenty three." Rainbow Dash merely gaped, how could a non alicorn live for more than a hundred years?
"Metal Man is truely a god."
"Be quiet, Bassicus isn't a god. I'm sure he's but a mere mortal... Where'd he get that?" Luna asked.
"Remember, pocket dimensions."
"Oh, right right. I keep forgetting, your insane." Luna nodded.
"... Follow me." Shrugging, the trio followed after the Diamond Dogs. After turning the corner, they beheld a site that made Canterlot look like a favella in comparison. The Diamond Dog capital, or as they call themselves, the Gemlords.
"Well, this puts anything short the Forbidden City to shame." Bassicus murmured.
"Yeah." Luna and Rainbow Dash agreed.
"I see you are impressed with our capital."
"I'm actually wondering how much it would cost to get my place to look this good." Bassicus awed.
"Well, if what Lorgg told me is true. We'll do it for free." At this Bassicus leapt towards her and gave the Diamond Dog a great big bear hug.
"Whoa. Check this out." Rainbow Dash called over to Luna. Upon approaching Rainbow Dash, Luna saw th reason for her awe. Row after row of Diamond Dog soldiers were performing marching drills. Each and everyone in perfect synch with the others and all wearing armor that would put the royal guards to shame.
"Hey, what's up over her. Cool, a massive army. I've seen bigger of course." Bassicus mused.
"How can you have seen bigger? The Gemlord army numbers in the tens of thousands." Lorgg asked.
"I visited China once, before the war. They held a military parade to show off their strength. It went on for hours, without a single break in formation or a gap of more than five feet between each squad or tank division."
"That. That sounds pretty big." The female Diamond Dog said.
"Yeah, well considering it, and everything else, got wiped out during the two hours of the Great-War."
"Wow, there must've been some powerful magic being thrown around." Luna whistled.
"Humans don't have magic."
"I see. Then clearly you are lying."
"Am not, we used nuclear bombs and ICBMs."
"What are those?" Luna asked, only for the female Diamond Dog to answer.
"A nuclear bomb is a theroisied device that can create an explosion powerful enough to level an entire city. But the technologies and sciences behind it are still decades ahead of anything Diamond DOg scientists are capable of."
"I see, well humanity developed nuclear weapons around three hundred, maybe three hundred and fifty years ago."
"Well, I feel stupid."
"Meh. You know what a computer is?" He asked her.
"Yes, we have several, but they're the size of a two story house."
"I'm estimating your technology levels to be at around late world war two levels."
"Your species had two wars?"
"No. We had two wars tha encompassed the globe. We've had a few thousand since the Egyptian pharoes started enslaving people to build their pyramids."
"Your species is even more violent than the griffons." Luna remarked.
"Meh. I'm smarter and beter looking than you."
"You're lucky we're surrounded by ponies that would take me out the moment I were to harm you." Luna warned.
"I've fought the Master, I'm pretty sure that if I can fight off a horde of heavily mutated humans and their all powerful leader who can kill you with a thought, I can survive a pissed off magical winged pony with a horn."
"You lead an interesting life." The Diamond Dog female said.
"It's an okay life..."
"Sharqua."
"Thank you, I'm just gonna ask for names when I meet people from now on."
"Sure? This way please. Lorgg, you and your men can go rest up in the barracks before your debriefing."
"Yes, Ma'am!" Lorgg and his soldiers saluted, before marching off double file in a random direction.
After a forty minute walk, the quartet arrived a two massive golden doors with howling Diamond Dogs carved into them with diamonds for eyes. Each carving was in such detail that if it weren't for the colour and eyes, they would almost seem real. Everyone who wasn't a Diamond Dog, or Bassicus, was awed at the sight.
"Still not as grand as that set of doors I found underneath an Aztek ruin. Never gonna open any fancy doors without at least a small army backing me up again."
"Whatever, I'd very much like to meet this Alpha." Luna said.
"Of course." Sharqua said before knocking twice on the orante doors. After a few seconds they opened to reveal a massive chamber filled with ornate marble pillars, incredibilly detailed statues and tapestries, and massive golden throne with a massive figure on it.
"YOU AGAIN!!" Both Bassicus and the figure called out at the same time.