Chapter Seven: Can't Be Assed
Proofread by The11thWonder
Bassicus was standing in the middle of a field littered with bodies and running with rivers of blood. "This is what your actions have wrought." A voice echoed around him.
"If you're trying to get me to break down and become an empty vessel, don't bother. I give about as many fucks about these people I've killed as you do about my feelings."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." The voice echoed again, sounding surprised at Bassicus' response.
"I came to terms with what I am a long time ago, right after the raider incident."
"Well, since you won't simply lie down and take your possession like a stallion, I guess I'll have to do things the hard way." At this statement, the scene changed to a grassy field with a massive fortress in the center, surrounded by millions of unholy abominations. "I shall be making a direct assault on your mind now."
"I wonder how long this is gonna last." Bassicus thought aloud as he wondered towards the fortress.
"Mere seconds." The voice said, as all the abominations suddenly charged the fortress, only to be hit by orbital weapons.
"Huh, I guess that the giant lasers represent the firewalls in my brain."
"Grrrr! I shall show you true power!" The voice screamed. A sudden blanket of darkness enveloped the fortress, causing its outer walls to start crumbling and drawing the attention of the lasers.
"I really should start fighting back, and not let alien firewalls protect me." He surmised, right before the shadow was obliterated by a wave of plasma and lasers.
"Ho-how could you defeat me so easily?" The voice gasped.
"Evil begets evil." He said, pulling the trigger on an ethereal handgun, causing the dream to implode upon itself.
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"Ahh! What a relaxing sleep." Bassicus said aloud, stretching in such a way that all his bones popped at the same time.
"Oh Gryffius that's disgusting." A griffon in the bed next to his shuddered.
"Oh shove it, I can have a morning stretch if I want to." Bassicus harrumphed.
"Did, did you just harrumph?" The griffon asked.
"... No." Bassicus shiftily replied.
"If you say so." The griffon said before trying, and failing, to get back to sleep.
"WAKE UP WORMS!!" The captain bellowed, instantly waking up anyone who had been asleep, not that any were with Bassicus' morning stretch.
"Mornin', Cap." Bassicus greeted as he stood up.
"For the love of Gryffius, put some clothes on." The captain said, averting his eyes from Bassicus.
"Not my fault sleeping in the nude is more comfortable than in a hulking suit of armor."
"The least you could do is keep the damn underwear on."
"What's underwear?" Bassicus queried, genuinely unsure of what 'underwear' was.
"You don't know what underwear is? I'm a griffon and even I know what pants are." The captain replied with a faceclaw.
"Meh." Bassicus shrugged as he was suddenly encased in armor.
"You have to teach me how you do that." The captain asked.
"It's a dimensional thingy. I also appear to have forgotten your name."
"That's because I haven't told you yet." The captain smirked. "I'm Captain Andromeda, and you're Commander Bassicus I take it?"
"Yep. Drop the Commander part though."
"But it's your rank in the military. You have more command over my men than I do!"
"So? I don't care, never gonna do much else other than lone wolf it in battles."
"Ah, well go get breakfast whilst I run these worms through their morning training regime, sir." Andromeda saluted.
"Drop the sir and the salute, and I'll see you there." He waved as he left for the mess hall.
"Hi Bassicus." Gilda called over to him from a raised platform on the far side of the room. Waving Bassicus move over to greet her but he was suddenly stopped by some guards.
"Nogrif gets near the princess." One of them warned.
"Yeah, I'm apparently a commander. Soooooo..." He said, leaving it open at the end.
"Nogrif." The guard coldly replied.
"Well then I can go near her!" Bassicus jubilantly cheered, completely confusing the guards.
"But I sa-" He guard was cut off mid-sentence.
"Nogrif, correct. But I am not a griffon and that term is used for griffons, therefore, by your logic, I can go near the princess."
"... Way to exploit a loophole, sir." The guard ceded, stepping aside to allow Bassicus to sit next to Gilda.
"How'd you do that?" Gilda asked.
"I merely used my two hundred speech skill against him."
"Okay? I don't know what that is, but I'm gonna trust you on it."
"As you should. I might get you a Pip-boy one day." He said out of the blue.
"Why?"
"Because, I can. So what's on the menu?"
"Meat, cereal or oats." Gilda shivered as she said the last part.
"I'll have some cereal. Hmm, Cheerios. Interesting. I think I'll have a bowl of those." He told a waiter, who immediately sped off towards the kitchen, not wanting to annoy the princess’ friend. He returned a few minutes later with the requested meal.
"Hmm, I find these to taste a lot better than Sugar Bombs, but maybe that's because it isn't two hundred years old." Bassicus reviewed the cereal.
"Wow, how haven't you died of food poisoning?" Gilda rhetorically asked.
"I'm immune to poison." He stated.
"That, that's not what I mean." Gilda faceclawed.
"You said food poisoning, and I can't get poisoned, therefore I can't get food poisoning."
"Why did I even ask?" She groaned.
"Because you forgot I'm so damn sexy?" He asked, only to receive a fork to the arm. "Didn't work." He laughed.
"Of course sticking a fork in your arm wouldn't work." She sighed, leaving the fork in his arm.
After a few minutes of Gilda repeatedly stabbing Bassicus in the arm, a general cry was heard throughout the airship. "Now docking at the Canterlot airdocks!"
"Well that's our cue." Bassicus said, deftly removing the silverware from his arm.
Ten minutes later on the deck Gilda, Bassicus, and Commander Andromeda were waiting for the gangplank to be lowered so they could disembark. "You know. It would've been smarter if they lowered the gangplank when we docked." Bassicus pointed out.
"Damn you and your valid points." Andromeda grumbled.
"I take it you guys don't really see much fighting?"
"We do, it's the docking part we generally have a problem with."
"Huh. You seriously need help."
"I could have you court marshaled for that." Andromeda intoned.
"And I'm carrying a dozen fusion cores, each containing enough energy to level half of Gryphos."
"Why?"
"It's a lot easier than trying to lug a three hundred pound suit of armor across a desert."
"Fair enough. Wait, what do these fusion cores have to do with your armor?"
"I use them to power it, fission batteries only last a month. Needed something better. So I researched into fusion reactions and invented the fusion core. As well as developed a method for cold fusion."
"Just what DO you do in your spare time?" Andromeda asked, ignorant of just what an unoccupied Bassicus can achieve.
"Science, mass raider hunts, and the occasional scavenging excursion."
"I see. That's not a lot of things."
"Well it's something. You see how well you can handle boredom after two hundred years."
"I'd rather not."
"Exactly."
After the gangplank was laid down the trio disembarked from the airship, only to be met with thirty royal guardsponies. "By order of Princess Celestia, we are to detain the strange creature... Where'd it go?" The guard asked as Bassicus just simply wasn't there anymore.
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Meanwhile, in a free fall twelve thousand feet about the wasteland. "Really should've thought this out more." Bassicus sighed, readying his armors jump assist thrusters to slow his fall. Ten seconds later Bassicus impacted the ground, causing the newly established raider fortress to crumble to pieces and squash the raiders dwelling within.
"I wonder if I should go get my Juggernaut War Suit." Bassicus pondered as he brought up the map on his Pip-boy before fast travelling to his secret mega fortress. Three days later Bassicus arrived as his destination. Only just then realizing he had teleporters in his armor. "God I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes." He muttered through his hand.
"Halt! Who goes there?" Someone called out to him.
"You really can't remember what the guy who built this place looks like?" He questioned.
"He disappeared twenty years ago." The person pointed out.
"Well it's good to know the Courier gave up on trying to kill me." He mused.
"No. She's amassing a vast army to hunt you down and brutally murder you."
"Ah. Well just let me in so I can get some of my stuff."
"Your stuff? Everything that once belonged to this place’s creator now belongs to the High Lord."
"Son of a bitch. Don't tell me that cult started up again?"
"What cult? The Church of Bassicus is a very influential religion."
"Just let me in."
"Why should I?"
"Because I really can't be assed using my security codes to override the doors."
"Oh, then come right in mister..."
"Bassicus."
"Oh sweet mercy. OUR SAVIOUR HAS RETURNED!" The guard suddenly cried out in joy, completely unaware of the reality warping facepalm Bassicus had just pulled off.
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Back in Equestria, everyone and everything felt the sudden and irrepressible urge to facepalm/claw/hoof. "What the hay was the cause of that?" Rainbow Dash asked after she suddenly facehoofed whilst in the middle of training.
"Ah don't know sugar cube. We'd better go ask Pinkie." Applejack told Rainbow, already trotting off towards sugarcube corner.
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"Thanks for returning my stuff, Barry." Bassicus thanked the High Lord.
"Oh don't mention it, and I'll try to keep these idiots in check whilst you're gone."
"It's okay, so long as they don't try to sacrifice anything to me, start bloody crusades in my name, outlaw education, or touch the vault."
"The vault? What's in there?"
"Only the most powerful weapons I have come across, and a Nokia 3310 I found a while back."
"Nokia 3310?"
"A strange device that appears to be impervious to any and all forms of damage and can sheer through Saturnite if shot from a Rokkit-Launcher."
"Wow."
"It can also send texts, whatever the hell those are."
"It's truly a marvel of Pre-War engineering." High Lord Barry said in awe.
"I don't actually think it's from this dimension."
"I see. I shall see you later then."
"Indeed." Bassicus said before fading out of existence.
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Bassicus faded back into reality right as the guards had reached the halfway mark on the pier. Hearing the startled gasp from Andromeda they turned around, only to be confronted by a seven foot three inches tall metal something.
"Uh, um... uh... Shit?" Was all the lieutenant could say in his shock.
"This is just in case Princess Celestia turns out to be a tyrant." Bassicus explained.
"B-but the princess isn't a tyrant!" One of the guards confirmed.
"What's with all the stuttering?" He asked, a bit annoyed at the ponies stuttering.
"S-sorry. *Ahem* Sorry. It's just you're a massive metal giant, and you scare us."
"Then the armor’s design is working." Bassicus beamed.
"Really?"
"Of course not you idiot, I just threw shit together to see what I got. It's one of the basic fundamentals of science."
"Oh, okay." The guardspony said, doing an admirable impression of Fluttershy.
"So your princess wanted to see me?" Bassicus asked, removing his helmet so as to not terrify any ponies he saw along the way.
"Yes, right this way." The lieutenant gestured with his forehoof.
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Ten minutes of arduously walking through cramped back alleys was really starting to annoy Bassicus. "Why the fuck are we taking these alleyways, exactly?" He asked as another pigeon crapped on his shoulder, only to receive a plasma bolt as a reward.
"Because the princess doesn't want your presence known to the general public." One of the guards explained, as if it was common knowledge.
"I see. Do these places actually ever get cleaned?" He asked, narrowly avoiding a pile of, something.
"No, this is where all the refuse from the streets is dumped. Keeps canterlot looking beautiful."
"I actually think this smells worse than that corpse chute I accidentally fell down sixty years ago." He said, putting on his helmet to stop himself from losing his sense of smell.
"How do you accidentally fall down a corpse chute?" Another one of the guards asked.
"By leaning on a non-descript wall, that happens to have part of a corpse chute running behind it, and said wall being weakened by one and a half centuries of decay and radiation."
"Oh, you fell through the wall." One of the guards nodded in understanding.
"Nope. Accidentally pressed a button that opened a trapdoor beneath me to the corpse chute on the other side of the room."
"Why would somepony need two corpse chutes?" The lieutenant asked, completely unfazed by the dark direction the conversation was going.
"Two different buildings, I was merely in an alleyway between the two."
"You must have horrible luck." the only earthpony guard said, shuddering slightly at the unholy level of bad luck somepony would need to have something like that happen to them.
"I'm luckier than I used to be." Bassicus replied in a cheerful mood. "So, how long ‘til we get there?"
"We're here." The lieutenant said, stopping in front of a non-descript wall.
"This better not be an elaborate set-up for a gang-bang." Bassicus warned.
"Why'd you have to put that image in my head?" One of the guards said, dry retching at the thought of what this creature looked like beneath its armor.
"So, should we continue with going to my 'meeting' with the princess, or can I leave ad go meet up with Gilda and Captain Andromeda?"
"Oh right." The lieutenant said before tapping the wall twice, causing it to shimmer and disappear.
"Why can't I ever get one of those?" Bassicus asked, jealously.
"Because your kind doesn't have unicorns?" One of the guards supplied.
"True, but I've met some magic users in my world, the Grand Magical Rock was one of them." At this, the guards usually stoic, though they had only regained it from their shock at seeing Bassicus, slipped as they started laughing at Bassicus.
"Oh that's a good one." The lieutenant hollered, only to be interrupted by a lightning strike right in front of him.
"Silence fool! I am the Grand Magical Rock! You will heed my warning, or suffer the consequences! Be nice to Bassicus, and for the love of everything good, don't mention... Dwarves." A strange voice said, seemingly originating from a floating rock.
"Dwarves?" One of the guards asked, only for the rock to disappear and Bassicus to get a strange look in his eyes. "Oh I have messed up." He whimpered.
"Let me tell you all about dwarves my good sir!" Bassicus exclaimed in an unholy cheerful tune. "You see dwarves originated from-" Bassicus began as everypony else tuned him out.
"Follow me." The Lieutenant said after walking through the opening.
Three minutes later and the group were standing in the royal barracks, along with a recently brain-dead pony. Taking a break from slowly killing the children of the pony he was talking to, Bassicus looked around him. Bare rock, beds made of straw, no windows, oppressive cloud of black smoke in the air, and braziers to provide light. This was where a tyrant made their soldiers sleep alright.
"I thought you said Princess Celestia wasn't a tyrant." Bassicus addressed the pony next to him.
"She isn't." He confirmed.
"Then why does she make you stay here?"
The pony was about to answer before he paused, visibly mulling the question over in his head. Just as he was about to speak, however, he vanished in a golden flash of light. "Well he's probably in some rape dungeon deep within' the castle." Bassicus concluded.
"What is it with you?" The lieutenant asked.
"I spent too much time with the Lone Wanderer." He admitted.
"The who? You know what? Forget it, the princess is this way." He said, motioning for Bassicus to follow him.
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"Ah, greetings Bassicus." Princess Celestia greeted Bassicus as he entered her private study.
"And a greetings to you too princess Celestia, now could you stop trying to read my thoughts?" He asked, feeling the unfamiliar presence in his mind retreat.
"Not many can detect my presence. You must be an exceptionally powerful wizard if you could discover me." Celestia remarked.
"I can't use magic." Bassicus said, taking look in the barely contained look of shock on Celestia’s face.
"But then how do you teleport and shoot beams of energy from your wrists?" She asked, smugly thinking she had him caught.
"Science." Or so she thought.
"Are you going to elaborate further?" She asked him, slowly forcing her will onto his mind to make him tell her.
"No, and stop trying to mentally manipulate me. I've already had it happen twice, not gonna let it happen a third time." He told her, kicking her out of his find and giving her a 'gift' as she was removed. A look of pure disgust suddenly plastered itself on Celestia’s face as she looked at Bassicus' gift.
"What sort of creature could stomach something so evil?!" Celestia nearly shrieked, managing to control her voice before she spoke.
"It's just porn. Jeeze, you make it sound like you've outlawed porn... you've outlawed porn haven't you?"
"Porn is an evil demon that had to be purged in order for society to progress further."
"*cough*Tyrant*cough*." Bassicus had a small coughing fit.
Celestia frowned, clearly this creature wouldn't submit to her will, and would thusly need to be destroyed. Enveloping Bassicus in an aura of magic, Celestia attempted to levitate him towards her, only for him to not move an inch. "How are you defeating my magic?" She asked, baffled as to how this creature was resisting her magic.
"Residual radiation from changing dimensions? I don't know, what am I a scientist... oh wait." Bassicus sarcasmed, only to realize he really was a scientist.
"Hmm, lieutenant. Fetch me the ten strongest earth ponies in the guard and send them in with chains to help move the prisoner to the dungeons."
"As you request my princess." The lieutenant saluted, in a way that resembled the nazi salute, and galloped out of the room to do as he was tasked.
"You shall submit yourself or be destroyed." Celestia said, putting as much hate and malice in her voice as possible.
"Or, I could leave and rally an army against you, then return and overthrow your tyrannical ass." Bassicus explained, reaching behind himself.
"Oh you foalish mortal, I'm a god, you can over throw me as much as an ant can stop me from crushing it under my hoof." Celestia giggled slightly, demonstrating just how far gone from sense she was.
"So I can easily over throw you?" Bassicus asked, not realizing that ants weren't the size of a small adult here.
"No. I'm saying you can't."
"But, I tried squashing an ant once, it took three hours for me to dislodge my foot from its mouth."
"How big are ants where you come from?" Celestia asked, completely confused how something the she was honestly curious about.
"About the size of the that guard who just left, on average." Celestia pondered this revelation, what if she could exploit these giant ants to cement her rule even further? 'Oooh, Celestia's childhood memories, don't mind if I just copy and paste you over to my brain.' Celstia heard in her mind.
"[it]Who are you?[/it]" Celestia asked internally.
"Ah shit. I said-thought that didn't I?" Bassicus asked aloud.
"How could something as primitive as you POSSIBLY invade my mind, and without me even knowing about it?" She growled.
"Alien science." Celestia just facehoofed. 'And I'll take you, and you and you... I'm speak thinking again aren't I?' Bassicus said in her mind
'Yes, and if you enter my mind again, I'll make sure to incinerate your very soul.' Celestia internally threatened.
"Fine, I mean I already got everything."
"Princess! I've arrived with the guards you requested!" The lieutenant burst into the room.
"Good, chain up the prisoner and take him to the execution chamber."
"As you wish, your majesty. Where'd it go?" The guard asked, completely ignoring the sizeable hole melted in the walls leading into the royal gardens.
"After it you foals!" Celestia commanded, she could not let something like that... THING loose in her domain.
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"Hmm, where should I go from here?" Bassicus asked nothing in particular as he stood at a four-way intersection.
"What manner of creature art thou?" A young sounding voice asked from behind him. Spinning around, Bassicus came face-to-waist with an alicorn that was only half his height.
"I'm a human, and the ruler of this country is a massive tyrant that I'm going to depose."
"Oh, can you take me with you?" The alicorn asked.
"And why would I do that, for all I know you could relay my position to her and she could come and attempt to kill me." He told her.
"But, she locked me away on the moon for a thousand years, all because I tried to rid her of a curse laid upon her by King Sombra."
"Who?"
"Her ex-lover. After she dumped him he went insane and enslaved his empire, then cursed everything he could see before vanishing into the frozen wastes, never to be seen again." The alicorn explained.
"Well in that case, you can join me in my terrorist plots against Princess Celestia..."
"Luna, Princess Luna."
"Very well Luna, grab onto my hand, and together we shall bring a moderate level of peace to this world." He said, reaching his hand out towards Luna, who took it, and activating his suits long range teleporters. Mere seconds later Celestia and about two hundred royal guards flooded into the gardens.
"DAMN! It had escaped, and it has also ponynapped Princess Luna. Track its teleportation spell and follow it!" Celestia commanded. Today was just not her day.