Attack of the Toilet
Pinkie Pie vaulted over the counter, her pack fastened tightly to her body.
"Be careful, deary!" Mrs. Cake yelled behind her. Pinkie was too energetic to reply, blasting out the door at full speed. Her favorite day of the year was today.
Today was Pinkie Pie's birthday.
Today was the day she could do whatever she wanted. Birds chirped loudly, welcoming morning. Instead of saddlebags, Pinkie wore a backpack. She felt a backpack was more... fun... to carry. The strap wrapped tightly around her torso, ensuring that the pack remained on her at high speeds. She had a pack that would seem odd for one so energetic, but it seemed to mix with her colors well.
It was a simple black with a red stripe running along the zipper of the pouch. The pack held everything she would need for the next couple of hours. She wanted to spend some time alone before she began party preparations.
She flew through Ponyville, whipping back ponies' manes with wind as she passed. The morning air was blasting in her face, and her eyes were barely able to remain open from the sheer force of it; but she managed, and could still see directly in front of her.
Just where she needed to go.
She saw Fluttershy's cottage. She sprinted up the path, and just before she reached the bridge crossing the creek, she stopped and bounded off the road, following the creek downstream. She reached a small log that lay across the water. Using her momentum, she hopped onto the log, and then pushed against it to send her flying onto the other side.
She continued, heading toward the Everfree forest. As she reached the edge, she slid to a halt -- all of the wind and dust she had kicked up now hit her in the back, blowing the grass down, and throwing her mane around her face.
The massive forest loomed before her, scaring a small part of her. But she stared into the darkness nonetheless, unfazed.
Then the wind stopped blowing and the birds stopped chirping, and an eerie silence took over nature.
Pinkie sat down on the short green grass, and continued to stare into the abyss. An owl hooted quietly before a Timberwolf's howl rang out.
The Everfree Forest was a strange place.
Pinkie smiled, and shivered a little. She liked this spot. It was different than the everyday colorful Equestria. Everfree just seemed to bleed darkness. It always looked like a solid black wall.
She sat staring for a good five or ten minutes before standing up, and trotted back to Ponyville to do the rest of the activities she had planned for the day. She went to that spot next to the Everfree every single morning. It woke her up. It gave her the inspiration to do everything she did. She didn't understand why, but it did.
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As she entered the door to Sugarcube Corner, she slid her pack off, tossing it onto an unoccupied table. She would pick it up in a few minutes.
But first, she had to use the restroom. Everfree seems to have that effect on her.
She knocked on the door, checking to see if anypony was inside. When no answer came, she opened the door and proceeded to the toilet. She sat down, readying herself.
Just before she began, a voice crackled, "What do you think you're doing?" Pinkie screamed and launched onto the ceiling, hanging from a lamp. She looked around the bathroom. The voice sounded as if it came from within the room, but there was nopony in sight.
"You were gonna take a whopper in me, weren't you?" Pinkie glanced at the toilet.
"You?" she asked, dropped to the floor, backing away from the toilet.
"Yeah, me! You were gonna drop a plopper, huh?" The seat flapped on each syllable. Pinkie opened her mouth in awe. The toilet was speaking. The toilet shook a little, and a tongue flopped out. Not the weirdest thing she's ever seen, but kind of terrifying nonetheless.
This was a very interesting situation.
But, since Pinkie Pie was used to odd situations, she knew how to handle herself when things like this happen.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I would like to be your friend!" She leaned forward slightly.
"Hello," it replied. "You were going to crap in me, weren't you?"
"Crap is a word that is often frowned upon by us ponies of Ponyville, so you better watch your mouth!" Pinkie ordered. "But, yes, I was! It's what you were made for, silly toilet!"
"Well, I'm tired of it!" The toilet somehow managed to tear itself from the floor, water spraying around the bathroom. "I'm stopping this madness!" The toilet slid toward Pinkie, leaning forward slightly to move itself. It leaned, slid, then fell flat again.
"I'd say it's madness, I'm talking to a toilet!" Pinkie giggled wildly.
"There is only one way to solve any problem!" it spoke.
"Friendship?"
"No," it seemed to move faster, "Violence!"
Pinkie backed further toward the door. "Violence never solves anything! We can work this out!" she said nervously.
"No we can't!" The sink next to her exploded, water blowing all over her, a water pipe clanging and smashing the floor in front of her. She used one hoof to block the water as it continued to blow at her.
"What is that?" she yelled, not able to comprehend why the toilet was now alive and trying to hurt her.
"I was part of the system -- I've grown to control it!" The toilet slid faster.
Then Pinkie realized: It's a toilet. What's it gonna hurt her with? Water? She approached it triumphantly. "You can't hurt me! You're only a--" The toilet flew flew at her. Pinkie screamed, ducking under the onslaught of the flying toilet. This was a very, very, strange birthday.
The toilet collided with the wall, shattering the inside. Pinkie didn't know how to react.
The toilet hit the ground, and then without even leaning, slid to face her. "What are you?" she asked quietly, but audibly enough over the sound of water spraying.
"I am a toilet that is tired of having ponies dump their whoppers into me!" Pinkie now had her back to the opposite wall, where the toilet had been originally. It slid toward her slowly at first, then sped as fast as she could gallop.
She rolled away, the toilet barely missing her. It slammed against the wall so hard it shook the room. Pinkie knew that this toilet wouldn't stop until she had been taken down.
"We can solve this!" Pinkie offered. "We can solve this non-violently!"
The toilet turned again, a gaping hole in the wall behind it. "I'm just sick of it!" the toilet screamed, preparing to charge again.
Reasoning wasn't going to work.
It was time for self defense.
Pinkie picked up the steel water pipe, wrapping one hoof around it. "I'm sorry."
The toilet sped at her. She jumped over it, one of her hooves clipping the top, almost flipping her. She landed, spinning to face the toilet. It was recovering from slamming into the wall.
Pinkie took this opportunity to bring the pipe over her head. She had never used violence to solve a problem before...
But desperate times called for desperate measures...
She brought the pipe down, shattering the porcelain backside of the toilet. It growled in anger rather than screaming in pain. The toilet turned to face Pinkie. She was crying, her vision barely allowing her to see combined with the sink spraying water all over her.
She beat the toilet down, swinging blindly, shattering the toilet and tearing off the seat.
She heard the creak of the door open behind her...
"Pinkie Pie! What have you done!?" Mr. Cake screamed in terror at the carnage.
"The toilet!" Pinkie wiped her eyes off, then stared at the remains of what was once her toilet. Glass and pipes lay scattered upon the floor.
"The toilet was alive..." she whispered, wondering how in the name of Celestia she was going to explain all of it...