Chapter I: Delirium
Twilight leapt out of bed, landing over the wastebasket as her stomach expelled a wave of bile. Her abdomen cramped as she gasped for breath. The room spun slowly as she pushed weakly to her hooves, and stumbled back towards the bed. She grasped the sheet and braced herself against the mattress to steady her growing dizziness. A ringing noise grew louder in her ears as the walls began to ripple in sync with her rapid heartbeat. Twilight felt a sense of deja vu as her muscles began to convulse. She lost consciousness and began to thrash around violently.
Twilight rolled over to shield her eyes from the light. Morning always came too early and today was no exception. The hospital staff dictated that every day started at seven and ended at ten, but she did her best to sleep late, in spite of that. The warmth of her body radiated into the bed sheets and reflected back, comforting her.
A grumbling voice brought her back to reality. Stretching out under the warm quilt, she felt a wave of pleasure pass through her stiff muscles. Twilight cracked her eyes open in time to see a baby dragon trudging through her field of view. It took a moment for her mind to analyze what it had seen.
Twilight decided to pinch herself to wake up. When a sharp pain shot up her foreleg, she deduced she was already awake. Her pulse quickened as she realized what this meant: it was another delusion. Her doctor had prepared her for this. She began willing her muscles to relax and started counting out her breaths. Anxiety would only make things worse. Twilight glanced around the room. With the dragon nowhere to be found, she let out a sigh and slid further under the covers.
After relaxing, her mind began drifting in and out of consciousness. Twilight told herself she would wake up in the correct room this time, and slowly nudged the covers away from her head. She should have seen her bland hospital room; grey walls, a couple of bookshelves and an unassuming desk.
Instead, she saw warm oak floors, a window pouring in sunlight, and books, enough books to last a lifetime. It was her library, the room she both loved and feared. Soon after, memories flooded in, and like the books, there were more than enough to keep her happy. She was wide awake now and her pulse was quickening. This wasn't her room.
Her room was a small, controlled environment, it was room 310 at Broadhoof Hospital. It was simple and unchanging, and because of that it was comfortable. She wanted to be in that room, but the happiness, warmth, and memories pulled her back into the library.
She resisted. Twilight struggled to remember what her doctor had said to do if she found herself in such a powerful delusion.
"Now sugarcube, we're adjusting your medicine again and this time it should help treat all the symptoms. With any new medicine it may get worse before it gets better. I need ya to be brave and hang in there."
She shrank back into the sheets. "Maybe this is a delusion. If the new medicines didn't work, I could be having another episode." Twilight clenched her eyes shut. "If I just wait here, the orderlies will come check on me. Then the hallucinations will end."
Twilight’s heart rate was steadily returning to normal. This was a relapse, and like the ones before, she would recover. The lessons she had learned to deal with hallucinations came to mind: stay calm, accept that you are hallucinating, and try to interrupt it. Glancing around, she noticed everything in the library was exactly as she remembered it. Two years had passed since she had been haunted by such vivid visions of her library home. "No, I grew up in Canterlot, this isn't my home."
The sound of footsteps on the stairs broke her train of thought. Looking to her left, she saw the dragon returning with a tray of food.
"You're not real!" Recoiling back from the purple monster, she instinctively reached out for magic to protect herself. The magic channeling into her horn quickly spiraled out of control. A small shockwave of air knocked her out of the bed and sent the tray flying out of the dragon's hands. Twilight's wide eyes and open mouth mirrored the startled dragon’s.
"Sorry Twilight, didn't mean to startle you. Since you're ill I brought you breakfast in bed. Guess I forgot how jumpy you've been since you got sick." Spike reached down and began returning the spilt food to the tray.
Twilight continued to stare as she paced around examining him. She built up her courage and finally approached him. He looked so real, almost as if she could reach out and touch him. With her right hoof she poked the dragon in his nose, knocking him back onto his rump. He sure felt real.
Spike raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. "Twilight! What was that for? Have you been up reading all night?"
Twilight watched as the dragon rubbed his nose and stood up. Without a second thought she knocked the hallucination back to the ground more forcefully. "You're not real, go away!"
"You're worrying me, Twilight. I’m as real as you are—" Twilight took a step towards him.
"No you're not!" A faint glow surrounded her horn as Spike fueled her anger. “None of this is real!”
“Take it easy Twilight. . .” Spike lifted his hands up and began to back away. “You’re sick. Just calm down—”
“Crazy? I’m not crazy!” Twilight glared at Spike as books flew off the shelves around the bedroom. “Discord, Luna, the elements of harmony. Lies, all lies!”
Spike’s concern turned to fear as he backed against the wall. “Stop—You’re scaring me.”
Her eyes opened revealing a white glowing aura. "If I can't do it the easy way, I'll tear this hallucination down wall by wall!"
Twilight unleashed herself. She whirled up a vortex of books and quills, turning each one into a flying projectile. Spike ducked and dodged through the chaos, narrowing flipping over more than a few heavy texts. As the rage built inside Twilight, a surge of magic started to feedback into her brain. Within seconds, her mind kicked back and she collapsed to the ground. The magical backlash pierced through her forehead like a heated blade. Looking around, she saw Spike slumped against the wall.
Twilight expected him to disappear; instead he began grimacing in pain. "You're still here? But none of this is real—I need to wake up. . ." She stared at the baby dragon that was rubbing a claw over his head. A book had hit him hard enough to draw blood. Twilight rushed over to inspect him, only to be pushed away when she tried to touch him.
Spike jumped to his feet, inches from her face. "Real? Of course I'm real! You've been acting crazy since you got sick. You'd think the least you could do is stop destroying the library so I'd have less chores, but no! Now, I'm doing both our jobs and you won't even stay in bed like you're supposed to." Spike had backed Twilight against the wall, but his rigid face softened as his temper cooled.
Twilight slumped to the floor as color drained from her face, and began sobbing. The staff had always treated her so nicely; she didn't want to be a burden to anypony. She was just as broken in the perfect world she crafted for herself as in the real world.
“I'm—I’m a burden! That’s all I am! I'm a sick pony with no fr-friends who should be locked away!" Twilight’s vision was blurred as tears streamed down her face, causing her to miss the look of surprise as Spike’s mouth fell open. Twilight sniffled, inhaling in short gasps between her sobs.
"Huh? I didn’t say that." Spike took a tentative step closer to her and smiled, resting a hand on her shoulder. “I just meant, it’s a whole lot of work running the library for you.”
"That’s n—not what you said. Everyone—even my mom and dad thought I was a s—sick pony and sent me away. Just when I thought I was getting better, I e—ended up back here and now even you hate me." Twilight's tears ran down her face, pooling on the floor. So many painful memories of her past were surfacing. She had buried the guilt and pain by inventing this perfect world. Now it was crumbling around her, and even her number one assistant hated her.
"Twilight," the dragon spoke gently into her ear as he hugged her tightly. "We’re family and I'm sorry I lost my temper. I’m tired, stressed, and my head sure hurts, but I could never hate you.” Spike released her and sat down so he could look her in the eyes. “Please forgive me?"
"Do—Do you really mean it?" She sniffled.
"Yes." Twilight grinned wildly and giggled as she scooped up Spike and hugged him. He glanced around the room nervously as he gently pushed his way out of the hug. “Alright. So you’re not upset anymore, right? I could really use a break from the cr—excitement.”
She cocked her head to the side for a moment and shrugged. “I guess not, you can stay.”
“Yeah, thanks. . . Why don’t you get some rest?”
"Alright, Spike. I'll try and rest and see if it helps." With a sigh, Twilight climbed back into the bed.
Spike groaned as he walked downstairs. “This is finals week all over again,” he mumbled.
The blankets were still warm from where she had slept. A twinge of pain shot down her horn as she wiped off her tears. Looking up at the horn she saw the lavender spirals of keratin. Twilight was so used to just seeing the white bandage wrapped around it. She couldn't help but touch it with her hooves. For her own safety after she began treatment, her magic had been suppressed. She was prone to lose control of her magic, and could easily hurt herself. Looking back now, she knew she should have stopped trying to impress Celestia before she hurt anypony.
As she prodded her horn with her hooves she could feel soreness and throbbing behind its base. Her forehead was warm and swollen, and a sharp pain hit her when she tried to focus her magic. The arcane mana she felt around her seemed tainted and hungry. It seemed to swirl and fade into the pain, appeasing it.
"Maybe I am sick and I really do live here." Twilight smiled at the thought.
"Don't be ridiculous. After all you've been through you actually believe this is real?"
“What are you doing here? I have medicine to keep you from bothering me all day long.” Twilight sat up in the bed and slammed her hooves into the mattress. “You’re probably the reason I’m having delusions again in the first place!”
”Look around, there are no drugs or nurses, nothing but the delusion. You’re sick and you would rather hide here than get treatment.”
Twilight considered it’s words for a moment. This voice reveled in her guilt and inadequacy, constantly reminding her of every failure. She did not want to deal with it anymore. "What's it matter to you? If I'm happy, I'll just stay here in Ponyville."
"You don't deserve to be happy. And if you stay here, imagine what will happen to your friends back at the hospital. Pinkie would never throw a party again. Applejack would blame herself as the last of your sanity fled you. You can never be happy, even here."
She fell back onto the pillow, thinking about Pinkie. They had been living in the ward together for years. If Twilight wasn’t there to laugh at her jokes, Pinkie would slip back into her depression. Admitting that she was mentally ill almost seemed worth it if it meant Pinkie would keep smiling. "Even if I want to go back, I don't know how. Maybe you've been right all along and I'm too weak to get better."
The voice didn't respond. Twilight took her mind off her inner antagonist by making a mental checklist of the discrepancies around her. If she could find enough inconsistencies it would prove whether this was real or a facade.
There were many more books stacked along the walls than she had imagined. A variety of quills, scrolls, and ink were scattered around her desk. Noticing the window, she quietly got out of bed and approached it. Outside was a park with ponies playing and sitting in the sun. She had never seen anything so beautiful and terrifying at the same time. A vast open world of uncertainty and turmoil was held at bay by a single pane of glass. She had never imagined Ponyville as such a chaotic place.
For as long as she could remember, she had lived in a world of order. Twilight took comfort in her daily routine. Applejack had always been there to help her as a confidant, and the thought of having no pony to help her out in this unstructured world frightened her. Beyond this window there were no plans, no structure, only chaos.
Something caught her attention outside, ending her nostalgia.
A familiar unicorn nurse with a pink mane was walking by the library. Twilight leapt across the bed and ran down to the main floor of the library. Rushing out the front door, she rounded the tree house looking for the familiar nurse from Broadhoof Memorial. Contacting the nurse would allow her to get back to where she belonged. A crowd of ponies walked by and the nurse was nowhere in sight.
All around her were ponies that were vaguely familiar. There had been plenty of time when she was younger to imagine all the wonderful ponies that would live in Ponyville. Across the street, a pony named Bon Bon was idly flipping through her mail. She was a patient Twilight met at Broadhoof hospital that had multiple personality disorder. One of the personalities always talked of baking candies, so she had made her a confectioner in her mind.
Bon Bon glanced over and smiled at her, but instead of returning the friendly gesture, Twilight started slinking backwards. This wasn't her Bon Bon; this was a doppelganger that she had created to imagine her as a normal pony. The wide road and open skies suddenly became intimidating. A flock of birds caught her eye as they vanished behind a row of houses. The sounds of a dozen whispered conversations reached her ears. The dirt road ahead began to stretch further and further into the distance. Nearby houses retreated to leave Twilight standing in the middle of a wasteland. She rushed back into the library before her paranoia got any worse.
The door slammed behind Twilight, announcing her presence in the library. “Surprise!” Twilight reeled back against the door, panicked and lightheaded, as her friend Pinkie jumped out of a shower of confetti. “I dropped by to throw a ‘get well soon’ party, just you and me,” Pinkie exclaimed.
Laughing nervously, the hairs standing up on Twilight’s back began to flatten out. "Thanks, Pinkie. I've had quite a day. I woke up here and haven't been able to snap out of it." Relief washed over her as the straight-haired mare smiled back at her.
"Who are you talking to?" Spike stepped out of the kitchen and looked around the library.
"Spike, I'm talking to Pinkie Pie. She stopped by to throw me a 'get well soon' party." Twilight pointed to her left, but Pinkie wasn't there. She continued to glance around, certain that her friend was standing right next to her a moment ago.
Spike looked around for confetti, cake, or some other sign Pinkie had, in fact, been there. "Uh, I don't see her Twi. How about you come in the kitchen and eat breakfast? I need to meet Zecora at the market and we'll be right back." Spike came over to her and guided her into the kitchen. "Just take it easy while I'm gone and when we get back she'll have some medicine for the miasma."
Twilight's ears perked up at the dragon's mention of her illness. "Miasma? Is that what I've been sick with?"
"Yeah, I don't know the details. Zecora said you shouldn't use magic or you'll get hurt or spread it. Judging by the condition of the library, I believe it. I'm sure she will answer the rest of your questions."
"Thanks Spike, you had better get going then." She watched the dragon exit and felt relieved to be given time alone to contemplate the situation. Twilight heard the door click shut in the distance and entered the kitchen.
A rumbling sound passed through her stomach as the smell of cinnamon reached her nostrils. A bowl of oats sat on a small wooden table before Twilight. She stuck a hoof in it and was rewarded by the feel of the thick warm breakfast between her hoof. Everything from the food to her bodies unconscious reactions pushed her to accept this as reality. The spoon next to the bowl began to glow purple as Twilight lifted it into the air. The familiar pains of the past hour washed back over her brain, interrupting her magic. The pain receded slightly as she massaged her temples. Twilight picked the spoon up and frowned, before eating the meal like a normal pony.
Tasting the porridge proved that it was better than what the cafeteria served each morning. Instead of a bland, lukewarm goop, this porridge had bits of oats, cinnamon, and raisins. It was the best thing Twilight could recall tasting and she greedily gobbled it up. She drank the nearby glass of apple juice quickly, then stared out the bottom of the empty glass.
Content that her hunger would no longer distract her from the task at hoof, Twilight headed back upstairs to get a quill and parchment. Her first order of business would be to make a checklist, but what kind of checklist would she make for 'escaping a nightmare?' She glanced at the pile of books that were knocked to the floor earlier. Twilight could work on a checklist later; this unsightly pile of books was an affront to order. Twilight began re-shelving the books properly.
A Tale of Two Ponies. Cutie Marks and You. Everything you Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties. Deciphering Ancient Languages. Twilight stopped after realizing she had placed the last book out of order. Knocking them all back to the ground, she started over.
A Tale of Two Ponies. Cutie Marks and you . . . Twilight stared at the paperback in her hooves; it was titled Beowulf's Insights on Politics. Knocking the two books off the shelves she started again.
As time passed she got closer and closer to filling the bookshelf back up in proper order. She was careful to get every piece of literature in exactly the right order on the first try. With a smile she shelved the final book on Zoology and sat down. Something was still bothering her. Twilight began to count up all the books on the bookshelf. 1, 2, 3, 4 . . . 27, 28, 29.
Twenty-nine was a vile prime number. Worse than that, the top two shelves had ten books each and the bottom only had nine! Quickly she ran around the library rummaging through piles of tomes and scrolls. She had to find something that came after Zoology.
Eventually she ran out of piles of books to check. Twilight realized she would have to start over on the bookshelf. Grabbing the first book she saw in front of her, she headed back upstairs.
Glancing down at the cover of the book she read the title: Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone. Glancing to the top shelf, this book belonged before Deciphering Ancient Languages. With a groan, Twilight cleared the shelves and started again.
Twilight was making excellent progress after realizing she had to keep the entire Daring Do series together. The newly re-organized shelving was perfect. Each shelf now had twelve books, alphabetically sorted, hardcover, and with 7 inch tall bindings. While admiring her work she had a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she was forgetting something very important. Twilight shook her head until the thought vanished; the library had to be perfect before she could even think about whatever had been forgotten.
Trotting down the stairs she noticed several rows of photographs on the far wall. They had been untouched by the small tornado, and as Twilight approached them she suddenly remembered what was so important. This world wasn't real and the photos could prove it! Examining the photos would help her wake back up.
The first photo showed her sitting with Spike, Owlowiscious, and Peewee. The next picture showed her best friends. Each exemplified a particular strength. Honesty, loyalty, kindness, generosity, and laughter were mostly absent from her life. Twilight created them to be the friends she never had. Once, she even admitted to the psychiatrist that even though they were fake, thinking about them still made her happy. Pinkie would always bring her laughter, even if she wasn't the same party pony in the photograph. There were pictures of birthday parties for all five of her friends filling the rest of the shelf.
Reaching the end of the last shelf, she saw a photo of her most cherished memory. It was a photo of five ponies having a picnic together.
Twilight remembered that day as clearly as if it were yesterday. For one day, her family had come back to visit her in the hospital. They’d had a relaxing picnic outside under the warm sun. Her brother Shining Armor had chased her around the yard like when they were kids, his limp was barely noticeable. Her old foal-sitter, Cadance, had sung old nursery rhymes with her. Her father and mother had been so happy that Twilight had forgotten all about their separation. For the first time since she came to the hospital, her family was whole again. An orderly named Silas had volunteered to take a photo of the family. Twilight sat amidst her visiting family, clutching the present her parents had gotten her tightly. It was The Autobiography of Starswirl the Bearded. She had read the book until she knew every word by heart. Now the leather binding of the cover was worn and peeling with age.
As Twilight relived the memory she smiled, and her eyes became moist. Then she noticed things in the photo that hadn’t been there before. Celestia stood in the background looking every bit as regal as she had imagined. The purple and green tail of the pet dragon she had always wanted stuck out of a half-eaten cake. Her mind struggled to unravel this paradox, certain that this had never happened. Instead of a hospital, there was a lake and a rolling hill in the background. Clutched in Twilight's arms along with the book was a letter, the words barely visible. Picking up the photo she squinted to make out what it said. There were dried tears on the letter but some of the words were legible.
Dear Twilight,
It is . . . . great honor . . . . . . accepted . . . . Celestia's school . . . gifted unicorns. . . .
The rest of the letter was hidden by her hooves as she held her presents with joy. Taking the picture down, Twilight fumbled to get the backing off and examine it closer. She poked her hooves against the metal clips, but the backing wouldn't budge. Twilight had failed the entrance exam and spent months imagining this acceptance letter. Something had made a mockery of a cherished memory, turning it into the very delusion that had ruined her life. She no longer wanted to be the prized pupil of Celestia. With all her heart she just wanted her family back. From behind the glass of the picture frame, the smiling ponies taunted her.
Frustrated, she smashed the frame on the ground and forced the photo out through the broken glass. In her hurry to put the photo away as a filly she had bent it, and the crease was still visible. Turning the photo over, there was dried cake frosting in the shape of a fillies hoof. If this photo is a fake, why does it look exactly how I remember it? A drop of blood landed on the photo snapping her out of her reverie. Twilight looked down at her foreleg and saw where glass had cut deeply into her. Crimson droplets of blood were trailing down her fur and slowly falling to the floor.
"Wait. . . it is real after all?" Twilight watched blood trickle out of the wound. "My family, my friends. . ."
"They're all lies. Your delusion has become your prison, sick little pony."
Twilight dropped the photo as the voice bathed her in doubt. "No! I'm not sick—I won't let you trap me here. It is just a bad dream.” She took a few steps back until the photo was a safe distance away. “It has to be! We're not crazy, the doctors said so!"
"No, you're crazy, and this whole time you've been trying to prove you're not. You keep letting ponies convince you that you can get better. You can't. This whole world is a fraud to bury your guilt."
"No!" Twilight looked around for the source of the cruel voice. "The whole hospital must be fake!" A trail of blood droplets marked the floor as she backed up. "This blood is real!"
"You're losing control again. I wonder who you'll hurt this time. Fluttershy? Pinkie? Dash? Maybe Shining Armor again?"
Her hooves hit the first step of the stairs. "I can still fix this! I can make the delusions stop and live happily here."
"Without meds? Without doctors? You're even crazier than I thought." The sound of malicious laughter echoed off the wooden walls.
Twilight ran upstairs as fast as her hooves would carry her. The levies in her brain began to crack and her emotions seeped in. She needed to get somewhere safe. With her last rational thoughts she flipped her bed up against the corner, forming a tight triangle against the wall. Leaping over the bed she landed in the upended blankets, and threw the quilt over her.
Tears flowed freely. She began to shake, softly at first, but slowly it turned into bone-rattling tremors. The dreaded memory was surfacing. Every flashing face, every spatter of blood, shook her to her core. Twilight sobbed madly as she gave up her last hope that somepony would come and save her. All she wanted was a soft touch, a warm smile, anything to give her a moment to shut the memory out. No one was coming to help her though.
As the mental dam that held back all her pain and guilt burst, She blacked out.
"Come on Shiny! I've figured it out this time, I'll pass the exam this year for sure!" A small violet mare with an unkempt mane dragged a much larger white unicorn forward. Her excitement burned as bright as the sun.
"Easy Twily. I'm excited about your new spell too." Shining looked down at her with a smile.
"We're here! Ok, you just stand right here . . . Last time I couldn't make the dragon hatch, but instead of trying to break the shell, I should have tried a growth spell! Watch this . . ." The filly closed her eyes and focused on a patch of flowers in their backyard. Shining Armor's smile got wider as the flowers began to bloom.
"Twily, you're doing it!" Shining Armor turned pale and froze as he felt a familiar ripple. His eyes widened. There was no mistaking the torrent of arcane energy buzzing in the air. It was a magic surge. "Twilight, stop!"
Shining could feel the maelstrom of energy flowing through her as the young filly struggled to control the magical eddies. He could have run, he could have shielded himself, but he didn't. Rushing to his little sister he held Twilight tight as her eyes began to glow white. "Twily, it's ok. . . I'm here—"
With a deafening boom the magic that had built up in Twilight escaped her. Arcing up from her horn to Shining, it threw him back against the house with tremendous force. A sickening crack reached her ears as her brother lay limp and bloodied against the house.
Fear, guilt, and weakness filled Twilight's mind as she recovered. She had failed the entrance exam. She had injured her brother and ruined his dreams of being a royal guard. She was the sick pony that made her parents argue and fight. She was the reason they divorced after she went to the hospital. She was the reason her foal-sitter had never visited.
It was all her fault. The harder Twilight tried to deny it, the worse her life had become. She lay there in the confines of her hastily constructed sanctuary, wishing it all away.
"Now why are you crying Sugarcube? Won't you tell me what's wrong?"
Twilight shifted the quilt just enough to see if the orange mare was really there. AJ was sitting next to her. She did not dare to blink, fearing her friend might vanish.
"I know you haven't talked to anyone since you got here. I was mighty humbled when they told me you drew this picture for me. Thank you, Sugarcube."
Twilight remembered this conversation now. It was her favorite moment with Doctor Applejack. She had finally realized that AJ, unlike her family, wouldn’t abandon her. For the first time the scared, newly admitted filly opened up to the doctor. Applejack returned her trust, telling her how Twilight had been the bright part of her days at the hospital. Starting that night they had begun working together to make things better.
"Applejack, can I tell you something?"
"Yes? You can talk to me about anything Sugarcube."
"When you weren't there for our walk I thought you left me too. I'm so scared and lonely . . . I'm a failure and the only place I'm happy . . . Well it isn't real, none of it is. I'm just a sick pony." Twilight felt a hoof on her shoulder.
"Now that's just not true; You are not a failure. You were the only pony I could talk to when I was a brand new doctor. You listened to my troubles and made me a better mare. If you'll let me, I'll help make you happy here. You'll never be alone; You won't have to retreat into fantasies anymore."
"What if I get lost and I can't find my way back? I want to be a good pony, but I don't know how anymore. All I do is hurt others." Twilight wanted to cry, but had exhausted her tears.
Applejack lifted her chin up to face her. "As long as we have our friendship you will never be lost. Remember that for me, promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," she said smiling weakly.
Warm in her blankets, with her head resting on Applejack's lap, Twilight fell asleep. She slept peacefully for the first time since she had arrived at the hospital.
Now, Twilight wept alone and scared with only this one happy memory to console her. She could still feel the warmth of Applejack's lap on her cheek.