Spurs of Blood

by LlamaLlumps


Ch 3


Ch 3
In far Neighpon, where Celestia's sun rises, they have a saying: Duty is as heavy as a mountain, death is as light as a feather. In my experience, between the former and the latter, one could find my saddlebags. Certainly they were lighter than a mountain. Though it seemed to me, the addition of a single feather would send me to the dusty road in a wretched heap. Perhaps it was the mountain climbing, following a three day trot across Equestria. It may have been the meeting with the co-ruler of the nation; or perhaps the simple weight of dread and anticipation of a return to Ponyville was the source of my burden.

Pausing at the site of my camp the night before, I consumed a meager lunch of roadside grass, a hoof-full of dried oats, corn, barley and a dried apple. The palace staff had packed me a lunch before I left, kind ponies that they were, but I was reluctant to venture into that elaborately wrapped package. One never knows what horrors may dwell within a meal designed around the far more sophisticated palates of the Equestrian elite.

Using small stones as paperweights, I was reading the Princess' scrolls while munching on my provisions, hoping they would take the taste of the local grass from my mouth, hoping in vain as it turned out. I had to say one thing for Ponyville, it was surrounded by lush, sweet smelling, verdant fields. My stomach lurched in protest at what it was forced to endure, with such fare so nearby. When did I become so delicate? Once I could consume the dry, tough, saw edged grasses of my home without complaint. Now I lived in fear of a few dainties and a little tough, sour grass. Equestria leaves its mark on all who walk its fields or dart through its azure skies, this land may well be too accommodating.

The case files were on individual scrolls, and very slim on details: names, dates, locations, witnesses and a few medical details on the comatose ponies. All unicorns it seemed, that fit with what I already suspected about the drug. The file on the fatality was even more slender, no autopsy, no interviews with the family or friends. Somepony was not doing their job. Long ago I learned to trust my instincts, and they were whispering that this was more than it appeared, on more than one level. I had the distinct feeling as I rolled the files back up and stowed them, that this was going to muss some very highly placed manes before it was over.

Shadows were lengthening as I neared my destination. It was such an idyllic town, strange it should fill me with dread. As I approached the library its massive boughs spread welcome shade across my weary frame. I paused at the door and prepared to knock, before I noted the 'Open' sign and that the door was slightly ajar. I girded my loins, metaphorically speaking. I was determined to start this off with professionalism and dignity. These were serious matters at hoof, and judging by the Princess's recommendation, these were serious ponies. Certainly, they were capable of following orders and maintaining discipline. After all, this was Equestria, a land known far and wide for courtesy, civility and good manners.

….....................................


“Come on Twi, I just wanna know if what they say about zebra stallions is true... you know, whether they have... you know.” Her bawdy wink left little doubt as to what she was referencing. “Besides, with a cutie mark like that, on a rump like that, he must be able to...” Here Dash made a very crude thrusting gesture with a fore-hoof. “If you fillies aren't interested in what he's lugging around under there, that's your business, but I wanna' know!” At this point the pegasus flier realized that the whole group was staring at the door behind her. “Oh, horse-apples, how long has he been behind me?”

Well so much for courtesy, civility and manners. I knew that my only chance was to take control of the situation immediately, or risk watching my career and this investigation spiral down the drain. “Five minutes my little ponies, fall in behind the library in five minutes. Get your selves under control, we have a lot to go over.”
Not one rhyme, I was inordinately pleased with myself for that.

…..............................................

Four minutes and thirty seconds later, six ponies tumbled out the back door of the library and arrayed themselves in loose formation on the grassy field. I would only get one chance to assert control over these mares, I needed to make an impression from the start.

“Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna of Equestria, Sovereign of the Night, and Ruler of the Lunar Cycle has tasked me with two missions. The first is to resolve an issue of national import in Canterlot, with your assistance. We will discuss that matter later. My other task is to instruct you all in the methods and techniques of civil and criminal investigation. Without this groundwork, you will be of very limited aid to me in our mission. Are we all clear on what I have just covered? Any questions so far?”

Two hooves shot up immediately, one pink and one pale blue. “Non cutie mark related questions only.” The pink hoof sank, only to pop right back up. “Very well, Rainbow Dash, your question please.”

“So what is this case we will be working on? Is it spies? Cause' I could really get into some counter espionage action!” She struck a pose she had no doubt seen on the cover of some spy novel or comic book and looked at me expectantly.

“Miss Dash, the details of the case will be revealed after we establish some basics, please refrain from speculating until then. Miss Pinkie Pie, your question?” I faced the Pink pony with as much confidence as I could muster, something told me to expect the unexpected from this equine.

“So, about your cutie marks Mr. Shaft-” I cut her off before she could derail what little progress I had made so far.
“I specifically requested non cutie mark related questions Miss Pie.”
“Oh, this is not cutie mark related, it's entirely about your cutie mark.”
Some ponies can be stubborn, others are careless, a few are stupid, rare individuals are even capable of cruelty. This pony was clearly none of those, she was simply fixated on the symbol emblazoned on my striped arse.
“Ladies, if it will allow us to proceed, I solemnly promise to reveal all the details of my cutie mark, AFTER we have finished with the issues at hoof.” this seemed to satisfy Pinkie, for now.

Gazing down the ragged line of ponies before me I had no idea where to start; just as long as they did not figure that out I would be fine. “Twilight Sparkle step forward please.” Her stance and expression shifted rapidly between caution and determination as she stepped to the front, but she showed no hesitation, I liked that. “Her Highness, Princess Luna informed me in no uncertain terms that you are quite a clever pony.” She preened slightly at this praise but kept her wits, another good sign. “On her recommendation, you will be my second in command, I was also informed that you have a dragon assistant, where is he?”

A small purple and green reptile snapped smartly to attention before me with a clumsy but enthusiastic salute. “Spike Sir, reporting for duty, Sir!”
“Excellent, Mr Spike, your duties will be relatively unchanged, simply continue what you do for Miss Sparkle. Though if you would be kind enough to assist me with the writing and filing of reports, and forward my reports to the Princess, I would be grateful.” At this the dragon seemed disappointed, almost dejected, spying a copy of Detective Comics: Hard Boiled Stories under his arm, I hurriedly added “At least until we run into some hard-cases that need grilling.” Even a baby dragon's grin was entirely too filled with sharp, carnivorous teeth for my comfort, but he seemed much happier at the prospect of administering the 'third degree' to some hapless villain in the future.

“Now my little ponies, and dragon, raise your right hooves- and paw?” I asked looking at the dragonling.
“Hand Sir, we call them hands Sir!”
“Very well, raise your right hooves and hand. Do you swear to protect the lives, rights and property of every citizen of Equestria, be diligent in the pursuit of justice, and discharge your duties with honor and dignity in the Princesses names?” A ragged chorus of “I Do” and one affirmative squeak from the line of recruits made it official. “You are now Constables in the Equestrian Royal Guard, Enforcement and Investigation Branch, congratulations.”

The few hours until sunset were dedicated to teaching the basics of Equestrian law enforcement: civil rights, probable cause, paperwork, evidence handling and interviewing witnesses. Then we went into: paperwork, interrogation, public safety and of course, paperwork.

“No miss Pie, that is not what assault means. I promise, if we ever encounter anypony committing the criminal act of sprinkling salt on another pony's hind end I will allow you to name the foul deed. Any further questions?” Pinkie Pie, so random and so irresistibly charming.

As the sun sank into the west I dismissed my little ponies for the night, with an admonishment to discuss their new duties with nopony, and instructions to meet at the library an hour after dawn. Once alone, I ambled to the edge of town and made camp in a small copse of trees not far from the road to Canterlot. It was as I had predicted, the grasses near Ponyville were delicious and satisfying.

After a pleasantly dreamless night I awoke to the scent of- coffee? Outside the tent which my rain cloak and Justicar's staff combined to create, sat a small pot of steaming coffee and a plate of warm muffins. Naturally I was curious as to the identity of my benefactor, as well as concerned that somepony could approach so near in my sleep without waking me. Peering about, it took only a moment to identify my stealthy snack supplier. A nearby shrub was clearly wearing a set of novelty nose and mustache glasses. The bold pink tuft of cotton candy tail, vibrating in obvious pleasure at its owner's cleverness was another subtle clue. Celestia singe my nethers, I liked this Pinkie Pie, banish me to the moon if I could understand why though.

“Curses, now I will never know who left these delicious muffins here, and they are even carrot-apple-raisin, my favorite!”
Taking a bite and sipping the coffee, I proclaimed in my strident voice military, “Buck me in my nose if this is not the best breakfast ever.”
From the shrub I detected a faint sqeee of joy. When I glanced up however, the bush had silently vanished without a trace. She was truly a sneaky pony, with a little work on her disguise skills she could be quite helpful.

Back at the library, I called them to order around a small table. Resting in the center was a tiny vial of a glittering blue powder. “This is called Spur on the streets of Canterlot, look but do not touch, it is a dangerous drug and is the reason behind our orders.” Pinkie peered closely and turned to Twilight.
“A drug? Like medicine? Somepony is sick? Is it me? Cause' I don't feel sick-”
“I don't think it's that kind of drug Pinkie, he means that this did not come from a doctor, somepony made it to get ponies high.” Twilight explained patiently. I was feeling better about making her my Lieutenant already.

With the foundation of an explanation firmly laid I attempted to weigh in. “A drug like this is made and sold in secret and can contain dangerous things, some are performance enhancers and some are 'party drugs' for-” I am still not certain exactly what happened as I attempted to explain recreational drugs to Pinkie and the others. I am certain however, that Twilight's frantic hoof waving clued me in to my poor choice of words a little too late.

The events that followed can only be described in the brief flashes of lucidity I managed to snatch from the gaping maw of chaos:
A wide and disturbing grin spread across Pinkie's face, as she slowly slid beneath the table and vanished from sight.
Peering under the table mere seconds later revealed no Pinkie.
Something black and pink moved outside the upper story window on Twilight's stairs.
With a crash, that something, a pony in a black skin tight suit and balaclava burst through the glass on a zip line (How did that zip line lead through the glass anyway?).
What appeared to be a small alligator in a black body stocking and climbing harness lowered from the skylight on a rope, clutching a punch bowl.
A blinding flash accompanied by a pop and whistling sound stole my sight.

As my vision returned, normality remained on holiday indefinitely. The room was
crowded with confused looking ponies of all descriptions. Some that I recognized from the events in the square, others were new to me. Also filling the now crowded room were: pies, muffins, cupcakes, balloons, streamers, party games, a massive zebra striped four tier cake with a marzipan zebra village on top, and a banner proclaiming “WELCOME Nquem'eah” in Equestrian and even more puzzling, in old Zebran cuneiform script.

As the mystified ponies gazed around the room they spotted the party favors, shrugged and began dancing, eating and drinking as though they found themselves mysteriously transported like this on a regular basis. I heard more than one announce “Its a Pinkie Pie Party.” as though that explained everything.

Pinkie herself was dangling from her zip line, still clad in a black catsuit, balaclava and harness, while passing out treats to everypony in range.

….....................................

By mid-morning the party died a natural death, succumbing to the need to actually get on with the business of running a small town. All seven of my new team waded into the wreckage gamely, striving to clear away the remains of the party with no complaints. I remained mystified by the entire process, puzzling over how an entire party had been dropped on us without warning. My queries directed to Twilight on the matter were answered with, “It's a Pinkie Pie thing, don't try and figure it out.”

Suddenly I remembered my sample of Spur and began searching frantically for the tiny vial in the wreckage of what began as a legitimate training session. “Twilight, where is my sample? Do you see it anywhere?”