//------------------------------// // Chapter Six: Actual Grass // Story: The Adventures of Bassicus // by Dubious //------------------------------// Chapter Six: Actual Grass Proofread by The11thWonder It had been three days since Bassicus' arrival in Gryphos and he had recently discovered a casino, where he boosted his bits from the seven thousand he received, to well over thirty thousand bits and a permanent ban from said casino. "Okay Bassicus, are you packed for our three day flight to Equestria?" Gilda asked. "I'm already packed." "I'm inclined to believe that." "So when do we leave?" "Now." Gilda said as she guided Bassicus to the Air-docks. "I'll never understand how you have advanced technologies like speakers, and yet you haven't developed the internal combustion engine." Bassicus remarked. "Well griffons have wings, and ponies have pegasi." "Ah, well I'm just gonna set myself up as a major arms company when I get back to Gryphos." "Because Princess Celestia is really gonna let the knowledge you contain slip through her hooves." "She can't keep me there if I don't want to stay." He said as he dodged around a cart loaded with wooden boxes. "She moves the sun, I'm pretty sure she can hold you against your will." "I could just, ya know, change back to my own dimension and return with a legion of, like, killer death robots the size of a small house, that are made of lasers." "Sure you can." "Whatever. I just hope they have bacon on this airship." "It's the second biggest airship in the griffon armada, I'm sure it'll have bacon." "Good, I love bacon." (Authors note: I do not in fact, like bacon.) (Editor’s note: How does one, in fact, not like bacon?) "Who doesn't?" Gilda responded. Twenty minutes later and they had boarded the Aquillos and were on their way to the capital of Equestria. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Ten hours later and Bassicus was fast asleep on his, slightly too small, bed. That is, until he was awoken by a large amount of shaking and the sounds of a sword fight going on up on the deck. After stumbling out of his room and onto the deck he didn't notice the massive fight going on and merely shouted. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!" at a volume that would make even the RCV seem like a whisper in comparison. Everyone on deck froze at the sight of Bassicus, not because he was wearing his armor, but because he was buck naked with his junk hanging out. "H-how is he still standing?" One of the fighters asked. "I'm more worried about the fact there's two. Oh wait, I just have half my skull missing*Thump*." Another person said. "I suddenly feel ashamed." A fighter at the back of the melee said, only to be met with a resounding chorus of agreement. "Sorry for disturbing you your well hungness." Someone near the front said, before all the attackers left. "Damn straight." Bassicus agreed before returning to his room and falling back asleep instantly. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Queen Chrysalis was absolutely speechless, by merely showing up unarmored, the extra-dimensional being had stopped her changelings assault on the airship. It was incomprehensible; clearly males were ill suited to the task at hand and would require the touch of one of her elite guards. This creature was really starting to get on her nerves. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Bassicus awoke to find himself tied up on deck with the rest of the airhsip’s crew and passengers, still completely naked. "What happened?" He asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and suddenly got smacked with enough force to crack a lesser man’s jaw. "Ow. The hell did you do that for?" He asked the offending party, only to get another blow to the jaw. "Stop speaking prisoner, we're here for the princess and an unknown being." "Right, well I'm gonna break free of these bindings and beat you to death." "Nothing has ever broken out of the custody of Mistress Entrophy." "Really? Then why am I standing in front of you without any ropes binding me?" He asked as he stood up after ripping apart the ropes keeping him immobilized. "How did yo-Oooh." The changeling started to question before she fully took in the scene in front of her. "Oh, this cannot end well." Bassicus thought aloud. "HAVE MY EGGS!" The changeling yelled before lunging at him and pinning him to the ground. "Hows about, no?" He said before delivering a knee to the changeling’s stomach, causing her to fly up about ten feet and hit another changeling. Bassicus easily rolled out from under the falling changelings and stood up. "Come at me, bro!" He taunted, getting the attention of all the changelings within' earshot. "Subdue the prisoner!" One of them ordered, causing all the drones to charge him and stop in their tracks. "Oh for fucks sake." He groaned, before suddenly being encased in his armor, much to the shock of all the griffons present and the disappointment of all the changelings. "I SAID SUBDUE THE PRISONER!" Was thundered by a rather large, and clearly female, changeling. This caused all the changelings to snap out of their trance and begin attacking Bassicus, who merely responded by shooting them with his wrist mounted Mini-Gatling Laser. Seeing Bassicus' continued resistance, the large changeling roared and charged him, only to receive several dozen rapid fire plasma bolts to the face. "How dare you attack me!" The changeling roared before resuming its attack. In response, Bassicus used one of his armors features he didn't tell the High King about, and launched a micromissile at the changeling’s eye, causing her head to explode. At seeing their leaders head explode, the lesser changelings fled. "Whoa, you have got to make me one of those." Gilda said as she made her way out of a hidden compartment in the airships mast. "Maybe later, for now I'm gonna make some shoddy turrets to defend this airship so I don't keep getting woken up by attacks from those changelings." "Okay." The airships captain agreed. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ After two and a half hours of continuous tinkering with random crap laying across the ship, Bassicus had finished building thirteen sentry turrets that fire compressed air. "That should about do it." He said, admiring his handiwork. "Are you sure those'll work?" The griffon who'd been helping him place them asked. "Of course, they're like thirty percent duct tape." "I don't think that means they'll work." "You dare to question the powers of duct tape?" Bassicus asked; a look of utter shock on his face. "It can't be all that great; I mean it just helps you stick things together." "I'll have you know, one of my perks allows me to use duct tape to repair anything." Bassicus told the griffon. "Then clearly you're merely making it weaker." "I have a Nokia 3310 I found in an alleyway when I was seven. I can and will use it to its fullest potential." "I don't know what that is." "And nor shall you." Bassicus said, before turning on his heel and leaving the griffon alone to ponder what he told it. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ It had been three days since Bassicus had boarded the airship, and he could see Canterlot in the distance. "Who the fuck built a city on the side of a mountain?" "Two of the most powerful beings in Equus?" "I'm totally gonna evaluate the cities structural integrity whilst I'm there." Bassicus gleefully rubbed his hands together. "Oh no you're not!" A voice echoed all around the airship. "Why not?" "Because I deem the city worthy of never falling off the mountain." "Damn spoil sport." He muttered to himself. "What was all that about?" Gilda asked in confusion as Bassicus talked to a being that used the very air itself to communicate. "Oh it was just the planet telling me I couldn't go around citing the rulers of Equestria for all the laws of physics they've broken by merely building their damn city." "You clearly know how to make friends. Equus has only ever spoken to me once and that was when I learnt I was next in line for the throne." Gilda whistled in appreciation. "It's more like an acquaintance." He clarified. "I see, oh look! It's Rainbow Dash." Gilda said excitedly, waving to the pegasus in question. "Rainbow Dash, why does that sound familiar?" He muttered to himself as Rainbow Dash flew up next to the airship. "Hey Gilda, who's this?" Rainbow asked pointing at Bassicus, who was tapping away at his Pip-boy. "That's Bassicus, he's a Commander in the Griffon Military." "That sounds awesome. But I thought they only let griffons in the Gryphos Military?" She asked in confusion. "My dad made an exception, just for him. Might have something to do with him slaughtering half a hive of changelings supposedly singlehandedly." Gilda told Rainbow, before she heard shouting coming from Ponyville. "What's going on? Pinkie throwing a party or something?" Rainbow Dash shook her head as she visibly paled. "It's a Diamond Dog attack." She whispered before jetting off to fight the attackers. "Did I hear the word attack?" Bassicus asked, tuning back in with reality. "Yeah, we have to help. GUARDS! DEFEND PONYILLE!" She ordered. "You'd better get down there too. Hey! Where'd you go?" "GERONIMO!!!!" Was heard as she looked over the side of the airship to see Bassicus plummeting towards the ground. "Oh that's gonna hurt." She cringed as he impacted the ground, causing a sizeable crater. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Bassicus had just jumped over the side of the airship when he felt a sudden urge to shout. "GERONIMO!!!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, a matter of seconds before he smashed into the ground at terminal velocity. "Now where, oh where are those Diamond Dog invaders?" He wondered aloud, scouting the area around him. He then noticed a group of bipedal creatures dragging a group of ponies towards a hole in the ground. "Not on my watch." He said as he drew his rifle from it'\s position on his back and taking aim at the lead Diamond Dog. A moderately loud zapping sound was heard the moment he pulled the trigger. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Roseluck was having the worst day imaginable, first she was robbed, then she was evicted because she failed to pay her rent, and now she was being foalnapped by Diamond Dogs. Things just could not get worse, she thought. As if Celestia had other plans, she heard a strange noise, before the lead Diamond Dogs upper body decided now was the perfect time to turn into a red mist. Only that wasn't the case, Roseluck spotted a strange metallic being with a long tube with a rectangular box in the top and it was aiming it at the Diamond dog holding her. The Creature did something and the end of the tube flashed blue before she heard that strange noise again, and she was showered in Diamond dog. After getting over the initial gagging fit, Roseluck noticed the creature charging towards Ponyville, dispatching any and all Diamond Dogs it encountered along the way, being followed by no less than twenty griffon soldiers. Perhaps things were beginning to go her way again. As she was about to head back to Ponyville, a hole opened up underneath her and a Diamond Dog grabbed her hind legs and pulled her in. Spoke too soon she thought as she took her last glimpses of sunlight. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ After killing two dozen Diamond dogs, Bassicus decided to check the misc. section of his Pip-boy, to find that it was counting how many Diamond Dogs he killed. He had to hand it to himself, when asked to build a device that can do anything short of granting immortality, he and the team of twenty others he was working with really could deliver. As he was remarking on just how awesome Pip-boys were, a Diamond Dog tried to sneak up on him, tried being because as he was about to hit Bassicus with his club, he suddenly turned around and collapsed it's face with a singular punch. "Hehe, stupid monster." He chuckled as he continued to move towards Ponyville, dispatching any Diamond Dogs he came across, as well as the odd changeling disguised as a pony. Upon entering Ponyville proper, he saw utter chaos. Buildings were on fire, Diamond Dogs and ponies were lying dead or dying in the streets, Diamond Dogs were chasing down fleeing ponies, and in the midst of it all, a lone purple unicorn was fighting off twenty Diamond Dogs by itself. Being the gentleman he is, Bassicus teleported over to the unicorn before grabbing his halberd and swinging it around himself, slicing a few diamond dogs in all in the process, before bringing it to bear in front of him. "Thought you could use some help." He told the unicorn, who merely replied as she began to prepare an offensive spell to use against her foes. One of the Diamond Dogs suddenly leapt towards the unicorn, interrupting her concentration, and swung at it. Only for its blade to be intercepted by another. "Now just what do you think you're doing?" He asked as he flicked his wrist, disarming he unprepared Diamond Dog. "Strange metal creature no mess with Diamond Dogs. Diamond Dogs problem with ponies, not metal men." The Diamond Dog growled at him. "Well I can't exactly sit around with my thumb up my ass while innocents are being enslaved, now, can I?" He asked the Diamond Dog, which merely growled before trying to slash at him with its claws, only to have half its arm vertically sliced in two. The Diamond Dog fell to the ground howling in pain as the top half of its arm landed beside it. Howling in anger, the rest of the Diamond Dogs charged, only to each be struck by a beam of purple energy. "Where'd you get an energy weapon from?" He asked the unicorn, only to see it shoot a beam of purple energy from its horn at a charging diamond dog. "Oh." "Are you just going to stand there or-" Twilight began to say as she turned to look at her saviour, only to see a towering bipedal monstrosity. "-Help." She whimpered. "I guess I'll help, Gilda would probably get pissed at me for letting this place get destroyed, not sure why though." "You know Princess Gilda?!" Twilight exclaimed. "Yes, she's on that airship up there." He pointed towards the airship in question. "Okay, then go help Applejack fight the Diamond Dogs in the eastern side of town." Twilight said, but before she could point to where Applejack was, he had already run off... in exactly to the right direction. "How did he? No, I'm gonna figure it out later." She told herself as she shot at a group of Diamond Dogs carryings away a pair of fillies. After moving to his quest marker Bassicus found Applejack, heavily wounded and extremely fatigued. "Need any help?" He asked her, only to receive a solid buck to the chest, which caused her to fly forwards. "I'll take that as a yes." He said as he good out a couple Stimpacks and some Jet. "Now hold still, this might sting a bit." Before she could protest, Bassicus swiftly injected her with the Stimpacks and the Jet. "Now what in tarnations did ya do that fer!" She shouted at him, after jumping to her hooves. "Well besides healing your injuries, I also gave you a boost of energy." "What're you talking about?" She angrily asked. "I used a couple Stimpacks to heal your injuries and I then injected you with some Jet to give you enough energy to finish the fight." "Oh, sorry fer attacking you, you monster!" She screamed as she finally took in Bassicus' form, before bucking him in the chest, and receiving the same result as last time. "How tha hay aren't you hurt?" She yelled. "Well, for one, I'm wearing Power Armor, two, It weighs three hundred pounds, and three, I'm almost impossible to kill." He counted off. "Well, Ah'm sorry fer overreacting to ya. How's about ah Bake ya an apple pie as an apology once this is over?" "I haven't had apple pie since apple trees died out in the mid 2060's." "Whoa, How can somepony live without apples?" She gaped, no apples? What a terrible place this creature must be from. "There were still dandy boy apples, but they didn't taste the same. There were rumors about farmers who still had apple trees, but had moved to undisclosed locations." "Well, Ah'll make you a massive apple based meal once this is over." Applejack said, before bucking a Diamond Dog in the chest, causing it to fly into a fruit stand on the other side of the street. "Impressive, but I bet you can't beat this." Bassicus challenged as he grabbed the arm of a charging Diamond Dog, before judo throwing it into a building, two blocks away. "Whoa nelly, ya'll are strong." Applejack commented, as a section of wall collapsed on the Diamond Dog. "I know, but it's mostly the armor." He dismissed as he shot six plasma bolts at a group of Diamond Dogs dragging away a disguised changeling, which he also hit, causing them to scamper away. "That there's some fancy magic." Applejack remarked. "That wasn't magic, it was merely the Mini-Plasma Casters I attached to my wrists, and I knew that that pony was a changeling because my helmet told me so." "Ah see, yer one'a them scientist fellas Twi's always on about." Applejack concluded. "More or less, though I'm also a ruggedly good looking badass." "Okay? Ah think we'd better get back ta stopping these Diamond Dogs." "Okay then." Bassicus agreed, before suddenly unleashing an impossibly well aimed volley of plasma and lasers at a charging horde of Diamond Dogs. "Whoa nelly! That there was some fancy shooting." "Why thank ya kindly. Ah crap! I'm developing your accent." Bassicus raged at himself, unleashing another volley at a second group of Diamond Dogs. "Ah think they aren't gonna come back ta this part a town, ever." Applejack remarked, looking at all the piles of ash and puddles of goo laying around the street. "Probably, know of anyone else that needs my help?" "Rares and Pinkie are holdin' the roads outta Ponyville." "Cheers." He thanked her, before activating the pistons on his boots and sprinting off towards Rarity and Pinkie Pie, leaving another confused pony in his wake. After expertly tripping over a burning stall, Bassicus arrived at Rarity and Pinkie's location. "Need any help?" As he thundered to a halt, only to receive a direct hit from a pie. "Take that you meanie Diamond Dog!" Pinkie jeered at Bassicus. "Well I was here to help you, but if you're gonna treat me like that; I might not help you after all. The hell's up with her?" He asked, pointing to Pinkie as she suddenly twitched randomly. "Pinkie Sense." Rarity explained. "What's this one say Pinkie?" "It means that Bassicus is contextually important to us beating the Diamond Dogs." "I see. WAIT! How did you know my name?!" Bassicus slowly caught up. "I know everypony’s name, silly!" Pinkie cheered. "But I'm not a pony... Look over there!" "Huh?" Both Pinkie and Rarity looked at where he pointed and saw nothing. When they looked back they saw Bassicus had decimated all the Diamond Dogs in the area. "Wow, how'd you do that?" Pinkie asked in awe. "VATS, It's a marvel of Vault-Tec engineering." "How can something so horrid possibly be so useful?" Rarity asked, aghast at the Pip-boy on Bassicus' wrist. "That's not my Pip-boy, that's just a heat sink." Bassicus clarified. "Oh, well it still looks horrid." Rarity amended. "Here's my Pip-boy." He said whilst removing his Pip-boy 25000 and tossing it to Rarity. "Wow, is that an actual diamond?" Rarity inspected. "No, that would be a diamond, I seem to have misplaced my Pip-boy." "What's this button do?" Pinkie asked, before pressing a button on what she was holding, causing Bassicus' armor to vanish. "I'll take that." Bassicus snatched the Pip-boy away from Pinkie, who gave a disappointed pout, and reequipped his armor. "I'm just gonna return this to my Power Armor's interface slot." "I what Twilight would say if she heard about this Pip-boy you have." "I think we should ask her now." Pinkie interjected. "But she's by the library Pinkie, darling." Rarity pointed out. "No she isn't. She's right over there!" Pinkie said, zooming over to Twilight and giving her an oxygen-proof hug. "Can't... breathe... Pinkie." Twilight gasped as she slowly turned pink. "Oh, sorry Twilight! Have you met Bassicus yet?” *Smack* Pinkie asked, as Bassicus facepalmed. "Why'd you hit yourself?" Twilight asked in confusion, before taking in the sight of Bassicus. *Smack* “How could you forget something you saw less than twenty minutes ago?" He deadpanned. "Ehehe, sorry. It's just I've never seen a creature like you before. Where are you from?" She politely asked. "Another dimension." "You must've somehow been transported here by some weird form of magic and want to get back home!" Twilight deduced. "Fuck that, I'm staying here. Of course I might stop by my home every now and again to pick up vital supplies until I can get set up here." "Why wouldn't you want to go home?" Twilight asked, horrified that this creature didn't want to return home. "Because, it's a fucking hellhole." "What do you mean?" "It's full of radiation, giant bloodthirsty monsters, the occasional house sized bug, evil government organizations, tech hoarding paramilitary groups, and countless thousands of raiders." "That sounds horrible." The ponies present all shuddered at the thought of living in such a terrible place. "I know, that's why I build a device to allow me to change dimensions." "Wow, Can I see it?" Twilight begged, very nearly squeeing."*Squee*" Never mind. "No." "Awwww." Twilight pouted, throwing in some puppy eyes for good measure. "It's not gonna work." Bassicus told her, only for the very air itself to be hit by a wave of cuteness as both Rarity and Pinkie Pie joined her. "Too. Much. Cute!" He gasped, clutching where his heart would be, if he still had one. "Oh wait, I don't have a heart. Not gonna work. Why's the white one unconscious?" He asked as Rarity fainted. "How can't you have a heart?" "Aliens." "That doesn't make sense!" "Damn straight." "We're here to help... protect... the town. What happened here?" A griffon soldier asked as the group sent from the airship finally arrived. "I killed the majority of them, I'm sorta surprised you guys took this long to arrive." "We got caught up rescuing a group of ponies being dragged towards the Everfree." "Diamond Dogs don't live in the Everfree." Twilight said. "Well, clearly they're part of a larger organization." Bassicus decided. "And what makes you say that?" "They're taking prisoners somewhere that ISN'T their territory. Clearly they've been conscripted into a larger organization hell bent on kidnapping ponies." He clarified. "And how'd ya think'a this?" Applejack asked, suspiciously. "Because it happened to me whilst exploring New Mexico, of course that time it was plant people joining forces with mutated trees." "Whoa, nelly." "Yeah." Bassicus agreed, before shooting Applejack in the face with his pistol. "WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!" Twilight and Rarity screamed at the same time, then it changed to a scream of horror when they saw a changeling lying where their friend should've been. "How'd you know?" Twilight whispered. "He told me that his fancy helmet could tell whether a pony's a pony or a changeling." Applejack explained, walking up to the group from Ponyville. "Applejack! You're okay!" Rarity called out, rushing up and giving Applejack a hug. "What'd Ah miss?" Applejack confusedly asked. "Oh I just killed a changeling impersonating you, nothing much." "Ya killed it?!" Applejack asked, looking a little pale. "What did you think all those piles of ash and green goo were?" "Ah think Ah'm gonna be sick." Applejack said before running towards the nearest bush, and being exactly what she said she would. "How could you so casually kill something?!" Twilight shouted at Bassicus. "When you've been alive as long as I have, in a place like I lived in, killing becomes one of the easiest things you can do." "But, but HOW can you so easily do it?" "Guns." "Guns?" Twilight asked, still a little queasy from Bassicus' revelation. "Yeah, a marvel of technological engineering, I plan on mass producing them when I get back to Gryphos." "Why would you do that? Creating something solely used for evil?" "Be quiet, many of the things I've killed were as far from innocent as you are from getting laid." "HEY!" Twilight yelled at Bassicus, blushing slightly at his statement, which caused the others to chuckle slightly. Or in Rarities case, a lady-like laugh. "Well it's true, guys never go for the nerdy shut in." "Who said she was interested in stallions?" Rarity asked. "Because I've meet my fair share of lesbians, and I've developed a ninth sense for picking up on them." "Don't you mean sixth sense, darling?" Rarity asked, politely. "Nah, my sixth sense allows me to have perfect aim, my seventh sense allows me to avoid traps, and my eighth sense allows me detect if a persons into me, or in the case of Applejack, a pony." "Ah'm not interested in a murderer like you!" Applejack called from the bushes. "I see, well I'm off to the... IS THIS ACTUAL GRASS?!" He suddenly shouted. "Uh, yes?" "SWEET JESUS! I haven't seen real grass since it died-out two centuries ago." "Wait, your species is immortal?" "Only the ones the aliens didn't turn into abominations." "Okay, I'm just gonna go organize the clean-up of the town." Twilight said slowly backing away. "Well, I'm gonna go back to the airship. I'll probably see you on the return trip from Canterlot." He waved, before teleporting back to the Aquillos. "Hey, did I miss Bassicus?" Rainbow Dash asked, running up to the group, only for her entire front half to turn into a fine red mist and a massive trench to be dug next to her. "AAAAAAHHHH!" Rarity screamed, running towards Ponyville, completely ignoring the fact that it was a changeling imponynating her. Back on the airship, Bassicus was telling the griffons onboard all about what he did. Permanently scaring some of the naive or innocent ones. Man was that a fun little stop.