//------------------------------// // Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling. // Story: The Incredibly Embarrassing Parents of Rainbow Dash // by Ponibius //------------------------------// The Incredibly Embarrassing Parents of Rainbow Dash Chapter 2: Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling. I was sure of it now, Cool-Mom was trying to embarrass me to death. “...and then poor Dash crashed face first into the clouds. Needless to say, her first attempt at flying didn’t turn out very well for her.”  Cool-Mom covered her mouth as she let out a soft laugh. “Aw, but she was in such a miserable state. Only her cute little rump was sticking out of the clouds and she was crying for anypony to pull her out—she managed to bury herself so hard into the clouds Surprise had to dig her out.” “Aw, that’s so sad.” Fluttershy didn’t sound that upset by my stupid first attempt to fly. “I hope she wasn’t hurt.” Fluttershy giggled at my past misery as Cool-Mom gave a dismissive wave of her hoof. Yeah, I'm sure those were just her concerned giggles. “She gave us a bit of a scare with her stunt, but the worst she suffered were a few bruises. Not that you could tell by the way she was crying for her mommies to kiss her better.” “Moomm! I did not!” I almost stopped flapping my wings at that. That was a bit of a problem considering I was currently pulling my parents’ cart with Cool-Mom and Fluttershy in it. But I got my wings working again and the cart only jerked enough to get a slight scowl from Cool-Mom. Cool-Mom gave me a reassuring smile. “Oh now dear, you were still a filly at the time. Of course you wanted your mommies when you got a boo-boo. You were always getting into some sort of trouble as a child.” Fluttershy gave another little laugh. “I think Rainbow Dash was being cute when she wanted her mommies.” Ugh! Now Fluttershy was calling me cute! Cute! This was—something not cool. Like... negative coolness. A black hole of coolness. I just wanted to get to Ponyville and get this flight over with. Cool-Mom leaned my way and braced herself on the side of the cart. “Dashie, you’re going too fast again,” she said for what had to be the thousandth time. “Slow down, will you?” I craned my head back towards my mom. “C’mon, Cool-Mom! We could’ve flown to Ponyville a dozen times by now if you’d just let me fly faster.” Cool-Mom gave me that look of hers. The 'you're getting on my nerves, darling,' look that always comes out whenever I start complaining about her wanting to go too slow. “We’re not trying to win a race. Just learn to relax and enjoy the view for once. You’ll enjoy life more if you just take a few moments to sit back and reflect. Besides, Fluttershy and I are enjoying an absolutely delightful chat.” Yeah, one filled with stuff about me that could in no way be used for blackmail. Not that Fluttershy would actually ever use those stories to tease me, but she might tell some of them to the other ponies in Ponyville... Nah, Fluttershy would never do anything to hurt anypony... on purpose... “But—” I started to object. “Daaash,” Cool-Mom said warningly. I slowed down. Cool-Mom nodded to me and turned back to Fluttershy. “Now where were we? Oh yes, how about I tell you about Dash’s first day in school? Oh, the dear was so heartbroken to be separated from her mommies. She was just holding onto our legs crying, the poor thing.” Fluttershy looked my way and smiled. “D’aw, you really do love your mothers, don’t you?” I failed to suppress a groan. Why wouldn’t this day just end? *** Mercifully, our trip to Ponyville finally ended. I don’t think I ever wanted to reach a destination more in my entire life. My wings had nearly seized up on a few times on the trip when Cool-Mom told Fluttershy a couple of things I didn’t want anypony to know about. Which in turn caused Cool-Mom to complain about the flight suddenly becoming bumpy. Today was just a no-win for me. I circled the streets around the Ponyville spa to find a place to park the carriage. The streets were filled with a lot more ponies than usual and it was difficult to find a spot I could easily fly into and land. Cool-Mom looked over the side of the cart and saw us pass by the spa. “Dash, don’t park too far from the spa.” I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “Alright, Cool-Mom.” The cart made a slow turn back towards the spa. I hated being unable to make a quick turn and flip like I normally would, but that would’ve been klutzy as hay with the cart, and would probably have made Cool-Mom mad. Flipping upside-down had already messed up her mane, and if I got scraped up again in town she’d make Fluttershy ‘help’ me again. In front of everypony there. I finally found a place to set down next to some shop that sold furniture and quills. Cool-Mom looked down and frowned. “Don’t park here. It looks like it’s busy here, and I don’t want ponies bumping into the cart and scratching up its finish.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay, fine.” After taking forever looking for another spot to land, I ended up having to settle for hovering over a spot near the spa long enough for everypony below to take a hint, and open up a spot for us to land. Now I was starting to remember why I’d never bothered with getting a cart of my own: the things were way too much of a hassle for me to want to deal with everyday. Cool-Mom hopped out of the back of the cart and started to stretch out her limbs. “Oh, it’s so wonderful to be able to just fly around and enjoy the scenery. Do you two not think so?” Cool-Mom had of course insisted on taking the boring and slower scenic route to Ponyville.  As if the trip hadn’t taken enough time already. Fluttershy hopped off the cart and landed next to me. “Thanks for the ride.” She gave me an appreciative nod. “Yeah, it’s cool.” I jerked at the straps tying me to the cart. My parents really needed to buy new straps. These old ones didn’t release right anymore. Fluttershy tilted her head and frowned at me. “Are you okay? You look flustered.” With a final hard pull I released myself from the stupid cart. “I’m fine.” Fluttershy stepped up to stand right next to me. “Is it because your mom was telling me all those stories? I’m sorry if she embarrassed you, but she really does love you. She cherishes those memories of you. You should know that.” I rolled my eyes and looked away from Fluttershy. “Yeah, yeah.” Fluttershy walked around to look me in the eyes. Great, she was having one of her rare assertive moments. “I’m serious, Rainbow Dash.”   I rubbed at my face with a hoof. “I know, I know. Look, I just... wish she didn’t embarrass me so much.” Or Awesomom, though she at least hadn't broken out the photo albums. I think. Fluttershy gave me a sympathetic smile. “That’s what parents do sometimes.” She moved besides me so that we could both look in Cool-Mom’s direction. “She just wants to spend some time with her little filly. Could you just try and enjoy yourself while they’re both here? I’m sure it would mean a lot to them both.” She gave me one of those sickeningly sweet smiles. Even a pony as awesome as me wasn’t immune to them. I let out an exasperated sigh. It’s hard to say no to Fluttershy. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll try. Can we just drop it already?” “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” She gave me a friendly, but totally not cool nuzzle. “Hey! Not like—when we’re in public and stuff.” I grimaced and took a step away from Fluttershy. She put on a pained frown at my reaction. “Sorry—You know I don’t like the touchy-feely stuff out where everypony can see. It’s just... Look, it’s not your fault.” I decided that it would be best for me to put my hoof in my mouth instead of digging any deeper and hurting Fluttershy’s feelings anymore. “Let’s just head into the spa and relax. I promise to just try and enjoy myself. We cool?” Fluttershy smiled. “We’re cool.” “Are you coming, girls?” Cool-Mom stood by the entrance of the spa. “I must say, I’m looking forward to little pampering.” “Coming, Cool-Mom.” I trotted up to the door and opened up the door for the two of them. Who knows? Maybe a trip to the spa would actually be relaxing. *** Okay, so the backrubs at the spa were kinda nice. The ponies on the weather team were always talking about how great it was to get a nice back rub after a tough day of cloud-pushing. Lying there on a table while one of the spa sisters worked all the tension out of my back and wings, I could feel what they meant. I might have to make this a regular thing. The Wonderbolts were supposed to have their own physical trainers who did stuff like this for them, so maybe there was something to this. Cool-Mom sat neck deep in a mud bath while the other spa sister gave her a hoofacure. She smirked at me as I let the pony work out the various tensions in my back. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?” I gave a slight shrug. “Meh, I guess it’s alright.” Fluttershy leaned against the side of the hot tub. “I think it’s wonderful. Thank you for paying for us, Mrs. Rainbow Dash. You really didn’t have to; I would have paid for myself.” Cool-Mom gave a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Don’t you worry your head about it, darling. It’s my pleasure to treat the two of you. Surprise and I don’t get to see Dash nearly enough, and it’s been ages since we last saw you. Spending time with the two of you is as much of a treat to myself as anything, and well worth the cost of a measly little spa visit.” “I really do appreciate it,” Fluttershy said. I let out a content sigh as another knot was worked out of my back. “Yeah, thanks, Cool-Mom.” It was kinda nice for Cool-Mom to pay for everything. I was really starting to relax, my eyes began drifting shut when I heard a familiar voice. “Hey Rainbow, how ya doing?” I felt a rough slap on my back and my eyes snapped open. I raised my head to see a lavender pony standing over me. My eyebrows rose at seeing my friend and co-worker. “Cloud Kicker, what’re you doin’ here?” Quickly scanning around, I also saw that Blossomforth was standing to the side of Cloud Kicker. I guess they had come to the spa together. Cloud Kicker looked back at Blossomforth. “We decided to come to the spa to relax a bit. After being down with the feather flu, Blossom’s ready to start feeling like a pony again.” Like a bunch of the pegasi around Ponyville, Blossomforth had been put out of action by the feather flu at pretty much the worst possible time: right as we were getting ready for Tornado Day. It had been a major bummer to say the least. I’d hoped to break the Tornado Day record, but so many ponies like Blossomforth getting sick pretty much shot that in the hoof. Blossomforth gave me a friendly wave. “Good to see you, Rainbow Dash.” Looking at her, it was pretty obvious that she was recovering from the feather flu. She was still regrowing a lot of feathers and she had the whole tired look you usually saw in ponies bouncing back from getting sick. Fluttershy smiled warmly at Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth from her bath. “It’s nice to see you two.” The two of them also nodded and greeted Fluttershy. “Hiya, Blossomforth.” I gave her a friendly nod. “Nice to see you on your hooves again. If you’re up to it I can drop some paperwork off for you to work on. That way you can get paid for some work while you finish getting better.” Blossomforth put on a wry smirk. “And I’m sure this has nothing to do with how much you hate paperwork?” I grinned back at her. “Nope, just pure, one-hundred-and-twenty-percent me lookin’ out for you.” Yeah, okay, I hated paperwork. It’s the big reason why I kept turning down that desk job in Cloudsdale. I just wanted to get out and do what I was awesome at: flying. “You up for it?” Blossomforth gave a light shrug. “That sounds good. I think I’ve just about used most of my sick days getting over that stupid flu, so I’d appreciate any hours you can spare.” “Cool. I’ll drop the stuff off at Cloud Kicker’s when I get the chance.” Her hanging out at CK's house while she recovered was totally just because Blossomforth didn't have any family nearby, I’m sure. She was still too sick for anything... else. Cloud Kicker gave me another friendly pat on the back. “So, what brings you to the spa house, boss? You aren’t exactly the type who normally enjoys the whole pampering thing.” I gave a slight shrug. “My moms are visiting Ponyville, and Cool-Mom wanted to come to the spa.” “Yoohoo, Cloud Kicker.” Cool-Mom waved to get Cloud Kicker’s attention. “It’s a pleasure to see you again, darling.” Cloud Kicker gave me a mischievous grin and winked at me. “Hello, ma’am,” she said while she trotted her way over to Cool-Mom. She lifted her hoof up and gave it a kiss. “You’re looking as lovely as ever.” Cool-Mom giggled like a schoolfilly. “And you’re a flatterer, as always.” “Cloud Kicker, please stop hitting on my mom.” She always did this whenever she met my parents. Well, ever since we patched things up a few years ago. Things had of course been strained between her and them after the whole Flight Camp incident, but they had become more comfortable around one another since them. Too comfortable, sometimes. “Don’t get all upset, Dash.” Cloud Kicker gave Cool-Mom a sultry smile. “I’m just complimenting a lovely mare.” Cool-Mom made a slight shooing motion. “Oh stop, you’re embarrassing me.” Cloud Kicker continued to lay on with the sweet talk in a seductive tone. “But I’m serious, you take such great care of yourself. I swear you look more like Rainbow’s older sister then her mother.” She raised her eyebrows. “Her sexy, older sister.” I felt my anger stir as Cloud Kicker continued to push. That’s my mom for goddess’ sake! “Hey, don’t make me kick your flank, cloud-butt.” “Rainbow Dash!” Cool-Mom’s voice cut through the air and made me flinch. “I will not hear you use such language with another pony!” Awesomom burst forth from the mud Cool-Mom had been lying in. “Yeah! We told you not to get into any more fights!” Her sudden entrance caused Cool-Mom to flinch and back up against the far side of the pool. I guess even after all these years, Awesomom could still get the drop on her. I suppose that shouldn’t be a—well, surprise, given her name. And then I realized that I had, once again, screwed up. I, of course, hadn’t been serious about really getting into a fight with Cloud Kicker, and I’m sure Cloud Kicker knew that. We were always joking around with one another. But... Awesomom and Cool-Mom were probably still sensitive about me having to spend a couple of days on life support. There wasn’t much to do other then backpedal hard to avoid upsetting my parents anymore. “Hey, um...” I tried to get my brain to form the words to apologize. I suck at apologies. “Cloud Kicker, I didn’t mean it. Ya know that, right?” I looked over and still saw my parents looking at me with disapproval. Crap, not good enough yet. “So, um, I don’t really want to kick your flank. Sorry... is what I’m trying to say.” Cloud Kicker glanced at my parents before smiling at me. “Hey, don’t worry about it. We’re cool, right Rainbow?” She extended a hoof to me and I bumped it. “Yeah, we’re cool.” Cloud Kicker turned back towards my parents and rubbed the back of her neck. “So, Mrs. Surprise, I didn’t know you were there.” Awesomom crossed her forelegs over her chest. “Well duh, of course you didn’t. I was trying to catch you off-guard there. And did you think you could hit on my lovely Rainie without giving me an equal amount of non-serious flirting?” “Um,” Cloud Kicker stumbled while trying to think of a reply to what Awesomom considered logic. “You’re—um, you look great in mud?” Awesomom moved her hoof in a circular motion to encourage Cloud Kicker to continue. Given how long it was taking for Cloud Kicker to do her thing, I guessed Awesomom’s sudden entrance had broken the part of Cloud Kicker’s brain that was focused on banging. Which was probably most of it. Zing! Cloud Kicker finally seemed to get over the derailment of her brain, because she gave me that evil smirk of hers again as she made some mental calculations about… how close… Awesomom had been to Cool-Mom... Oh no. “Now that’s what I call getting down and dirty.” I just know she was egging me on when she stepped a bit closer to them. “Room for one more in there?” Awesomom firmly nodded her head at Cloud Kicker. “That’s better.” Then like the flip of a switch, she tossed aside her serious expression and jumped out of the mud to grasp Cloud Kicker in a rib-crushing hug. “Howya doin,’ Cloudy?” “Pretty good,” Cloud Kicker wheezed out. She smiled painfully when Awesomom intensified the hug with another squeeze. She also got more than a fair bit of mud on Cloud Kicker’s coat. “You know me, kicking clouds, banging, the usual stuff.” Awesomom let go of Cloud Kicker, who nearly fell to the floor after being released from her deathhug. “Good to hear.” Fluttershy’s jaw had been hanging for a bit before her brain clicked back into place. “How long were you in that mud? I never even saw you come in.” Awesomom gave a nonchalant shrug. “I don’t know. I lost count at a number and got bored, so instead I started playing with this rubber duckie.” She reached into the mud and pulled out said rubber duckie that looked somewhat familiar. She looked at the toy with a disappointed frown. “Bath toys don’t work as well in mud though. Just kinda makes them really dirty.” She squeezed on the toy, but instead of making the usual squeaking noise, it just kinda pathetically burbled as some mud squirted out of it. Cool-Mom frowned at the Awesomom. “Dear, that isn’t one of Dashie’s old bath toys, is it?” Awesomom quickly hid the rubber duckie behind her back and gave Cool-Mom an apologetic smile. “Um, oops?” I cringed when I finally recognized my rubber duckie. I jumped to my hooves. “Awesomom! Did you mess up one of my old toys?!” I flew over and swept my toy from Awesomom’s hooves. “RadiQuack, are you okay!?” I gave him a squeeze, and he let out another sad, slurpy wheeze. Some little part of my fillyhood died right there in my hooves. Cool-Mom somehow managed to stare at Awesomom with even more disapproval. “Surprise! You ruined one of our sweet Dashie’s favorite toys!” Awesomom’s ears fell flat on her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! It just happened!” Cloud Kicker covered her mouth and snickered. “Really, Rainbow? RadiQuack? That’s cheesy even for you.” I gave Cloud Kicker a death glare that should have killed her on the spot. “Hey! RadiQuack is cool, and awesome, and...” Cloud Kicker snickered again. I sat down and looked away with indifference. “Not that I care, because it’s not a huge deal... Because I’m a grown mare now... And it’s just a silly toy...” I’m too old to care about this type of thing. Obviously. Blossomforth walked up and gave RadiQuack a quick once over. “I might be able to fix it for you, if you want. It wouldn’t be a problem if it means a lot to you.” I rubbed the back of my head. “Um, yeah, I guess that be cool. Not that it’s like a huge deal or anything. But it would be awesome if you did that. You know, as awesome as fixing some rubber duckie can be.” Yeah, I totally sounded cool. I’m a grown mare and could have thrown the dirty thing away. Really. It’s just... I didn’t want to throw away RadiQuack. For reasons. “It’s not a problem, Dash.” Blossomforth reached out and I reluctantly let her pull RadiQuack up out of my hooves. She put him away in her saddle bag. “Don’t worry, he’s in good hooves. I’ve fixed worse.” I shuffled a bit on my hooves. “Yeah, thanks. Just—you know—be careful. Because... I don’t want you to hurt yourself... fixing RadiQuack... or something.” Blossomforth put on an amused smirk. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s just rubber.” I ran a hoof through my mane in a way that showed how cool and unconcerned I was. “Yeah, right, no biggie. Just had RadiQuack since I was a filly. So—” I was interrupted when a white blur sped at me. “Oh, Dashie, I’m so sorry!” I barely had time to react before Awesomom wrapped her forehooves around my neck in a deathhug. “I’m really sorry I broke one of your favorite toys!” The sudden weight around my neck caused me to lose my balance, and I fell headfirst into the mud that my parents were in. After a few seconds of disorientation, I managed to figure out which way was up and resurfaced. I hacked and coughed as I tried to get the mouthful of the wet dirt out of my throat. “Oops, sorry,” I heard Awesomom say. I wiped the mud from my eyes and saw her giving me an apologetic smile. There really wasn’t anything I could think of to say to her. Cool-Mom let out a huff as she rubbed off a fleck of mud that she must have gotten hit by when I fell in. “Really you two—this is a spa, not a gymnasium.” I pointed a hoof at Awesomom. “She started it.” Cool-Mom rolled her eyes. “Aren’t you a little old to be doing that?” “Like she’s ever going to grow up,” said Cloud Kicker. “I think she’s going to be a hundred and be talking like she’s still in school.” I hefted myself out of the mud. “Hey, if you want to grow old, crusty, and uncool, then that’s your choice.” I slammed a muddied hoof onto my chest. “I’m goin’ to be awesome ‘til the day I die.” “Speaking of growing up,” Cool-Mom interrupted. “I have to say, Cloud Kicker, you and your friend Blossomforth do seem to be getting along quite well.” Both of them stiffened at Cool-Mom’s comment. I didn’t understand all that was going on between Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth... and Derpy... and Fluttershy too, but I knew it was a bit of a complicated mess right now. Cloud Kicker rubbed at one of her forelegs. “Um, yeah, thanks. Blossom and I have been good friends for years.” Cool-Mom gave the two of them a knowing smirk. “Good to hear, darling. Are you finally starting to domesticate now? I must say, your friend would make quite the catch if that is so.” “What?! No, I mean—” Cloud Kicker looked back and forth indecisively between Blossomforth and Fluttershy, and then back to Cool-Mom. Blossomforth seemed to be trying way too hard to not look at Cloud Kicker and Cool-Mom as they talked. Cool-Mom put on a concerned frown. “Is everything okay? You look flustered.” Cloud Kicker cleared her throat with a loud cough. “Oh, we’ve just been PFF’s for a long time.” “Yeah, we’re just friends,” said Blossomforth with less than total enthusiasm. “Cloud Kicker really is a good friend.” Fluttershy’s face took on a light blush as she smiled. “You can tell by how she helped take care of Blossomforth while she was sick. She really looks out for her as a friend.” Blossomforth opened her mouth as though to say something, but she stopped before any words formed. Instead she looked down at the floor before speaking. “Right, she’s a good friend.” Cloud Kicker looked at Blossomforth and bit her lower lip. It looked like she wanted to say something, but her usual confidence seemed to fail her here. Jeez, looking at Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth, it’s like Cool-Mom had just asked the two of them about a recently-deceased grandmother.  “I see,” Cool-Mom expressed without conviction. “That’s good to hear. I know how nasty that feather flu can be, given I’ve had to take care of my darlings more than once because of that nasty bug.” “Yeah, that’s me. Always looking out for my friends.” Cloud Kicker gave Blossomforth a strained smile, but Blossomfoth didn’t return it and just looked away. The unwelcomed tension was thankfully reduced when one of the spa sisters stepped up to me. “Madame, would you like to have your hooficure now?” While I was happy for the distraction from whatever it was that was going on between Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth, I didn’t like what I was being offered. “Nah, I don’t really want one.” “Come on, Dash,” Cool-Mom pleaded. “You really need to let these wonderful ponies have a go at your hooves. You simply won’t regret it.” The other spa sister stepped up to me with a file in her mouth and gave me an expectant look. I cringed slightly away from her. “I’m good. Besides, I don’t like ponies touching my hooves.” Cool-Mom let out an exasperated sigh. “This isn’t about your hooves being ticklish is it? Really, darling, you need to get over such silly fillyhood things.” “Ticklish hooves you say?” Cloud Kicker gave me a smile that screamed of all sorts of bad intentions. She started to stalk my direction. “Dash, you never told me you had ticklish hooves. Now this I have to try out. ” “Wh-what? No I don’t!” I slowly backed away from Cloud Kicker and looked around for an exit. I spun towards the main door to the spa’s entry lounge, but Cloud Kicker quickly rushed forward block my line of sight to it. Awesomom blew a raspberry. “Of course you do, Dashie. You’ve always been ticklish all over the place since you were a foal.” Cloud Kicker continued her slow stalk of me as I tried to back away to find an escape. Unfortunately, there weren’t many places where I could easily fly to get away from her. “Oh really? Tell me more.” “Okay!” Awesomom was being irritatingly bubbly for giving away my ticklish secrets. “She’s ticklish in the leg pits, along the upper half of the sides of her neck, all along her belly, and—” My head snapped to face Awesomom. “Awesomom! Stop telling her everywhere I’m—” Cloud Kicker took advantage of me being distracted to pounce on me. She was lucky. If I had been paying attention she never would’ve caught me. Never in a hundred years. But she was stupidly lucky, and we both wrestled on the ground as Cloud Kicker tried to tickle me. Cloud Kicker’s stupid Guard training meant she had a pretty good idea of how to pin a pony down. That and because of ... reasons, I was suddenly very aware of now that she had me pinned down in a very compromising position. A position I probably shouldn’t be in with another pony now that I had a fillyfriend, or, y’know, in front of my moms. Cloud Kicker finally rolled me around on the floor so that she could yank at one of my forelegs and use its leverage to keep me pinned facedown to the floor. “There! Now let’s see how ticklish you are!” She ran her hoof along the flat of mine and I exploded with laughter. I found myself paralyzed by the tickling. “Stop! Stop! Somepony help me!” My vision was suddenly filled with a mass of pink. “Ohh! That looks like fun! Can I join?” Pinkie Pie looked down at the two of us with a expression of pure, foalish joy. Cloud Kicker grinned wickedly at Pinkie’s question. “Sure.” While I was distracted by Pinkie—and I really needed to stop being distracted by other ponies when Cloud Kicker was up to something—Cloud Kicker flipped me onto my back while still holding my foreleg and scissored her rear legs around my leg and across my chest. “You want to get her stomach and anywhere else you can find while I get her hoof?” “What!? No!” I protested loudly. I redoubled my struggle to get out of Cloud Kicker’s grapple. “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie chirped happily. She pulled a giant feather from someplace I couldn’t see and the both of them started to tickle me. I laughed uncontrollably thanks to all the tickling. “Pinks! I’m your fillyfriend, not her! Get Cloud Kicker!” Pinkie slapped herself along the side of her head as though she had just forgotten something. “Well duh! C’m’ere Cloudy.” She waved her feather threateningly at Cloud Kicker, and her eyes widened as we turned the tables on her. Her grapple, while it held me down, left her almost completely defenseless against Pinkie. Pinkie quickly moved across Cloud Kicker’s body as she tried to find some part of her that was particularly ticklish. Cloud Kicker fought against giggling as Pinkie worked her over. Cloud Kicker tried rolling me around to use me as a shield against Pinkie.“You're not getting me that easily, you turncoat.” I started to work my way out of Cloud Kicker’s grapple. “Get her Pinks! Don’t let up!” I finally managed to get my forelegs around Cloud Kicker’s head to get her in a headlock, and I used the leverage to hold her still for Pinkie. Pinkie happily took the opportunity I gave her to tickle Cloud Kicker like crazy. Cloud Kicker started to laugh uncontrollably and I held her down on the floor. Despite the fact I, well we, were winning, Cloud Kicker smiled up at me. “Hey Dash, if I knew it was this easy to get you two to pin me down, I would have done this a long time ago.” “Gah!” I jumped off of Cloud Kicker and hovered in the air away from her. She just had to go and be weird again. “No fair doin’ that!” Cloud Kicker gave a sultry smirk. “All’s fair in love and tickle wars.” In a flash, she rolled over and made a grab for Pinkie’s feather, but my fillyfriend quickly hopped out of her reach. Yeah, good luck to anypony trying to get the drop on Pinkie Pie. I watched as Cloud Kicker stood up, and the three of us faced one another. We each eyed each other warily. Well, Cloud Kicker and I were eyeing each other warily. Pinkie was her usual happy self as she wagged her rump and tail excitedly. Looked like we were in a standoff. I was considering my next move when I noticed another pony enter the spa. I turned my eyes but not my head so that Cloud Kicker wouldn’t jump me again (see, I can learn eventually!).  I saw Rarity give the three of us a disapproving frown. “Really, what is all this roughhousing going on? This is an establishment intended for primping and pampering, not such—” she let out a disgusted groan— “uncultured activities.” “C’mon, we’re just havin’ some fun, Rarity,” I protested. The Ponyville spa really could stand to be a bit cooler, now that I thought about it. “She does have a point,” Cool-Mom chastised. “The spa is supposed to be a place to relax, not someplace where you can wrestle around like a couple of barbarous Diamond Dogs. I mean, really.” Rarity nodded in firm agreement. “Exactly right, Rainbow Da—Wahaha!” Rarity nearly jumped out of her skin when she got a good look at Cool-Mom. She frantically looked back and forth between me and my parent. “I—you—both of you—” I gave Rarity a grin. “What’s the matter, seeing a double Rainbow?” Okay, so sometimes I liked to play with other ponies’ heads with how much Cool-Mom and I looked alike. It’s either that or just get frustrated. So I might as well go with the option that causes the most fun when I can. “My word...” Rarity paused for a moment as she looked between Cool-Mom and I. “The similarities are uncanny. Between you and...” She stopped and waved her hoof in a circle. “Rainbow Dash, darling,” Cool-Mom offered. She gave that knowing smirk for when she played this game. We’ve played it more than once since I was born. That’s for sure. Rarity shook her head. “No, I mean your name. Rainbow Dash and I are good friends, and have known each other for years now.” Cool-Mom nodded her head. “Right, my name is Rainbow Dash.” Awesomom put her hoof by her mouth and whispered conspiratorially to Rarity. “They have the same name. Because, you know, I wasn’t lazy when filling out the paperwork at the hospital when Dashie was born. Nope-eriee” Rarity blinked a couple of times as she processed that information. “Oh, I see. Well far from me to say how a pair of proud parents should name their foal.” She stepped up to give Cool-Mom a look over. “Just look at her. I mean sure, she obviously takes much greater care of her mane and coat. Actually uses makeup, and quite well if I do say so. And oh... her hooves do look quite well-manicured and feature quite the nice pair of horseshoes. But besides the cosmetics, it’s quite obvious the two of you are related.”  Cool-Mom played with her mane smugly and smiled. “Our Dashie really does take after her mothers. Isn’t that so, Surprise?” “Yepper-deppeers!” Awesomom rocketed out of the mud to land besides me. She wrapped her forehooves around my neck, caking on another layer of mud onto my coat, and gave me a big nuzzle on the cheek. “She got my wings,” she said proudly. She gave her own wings a couple of flaps, showering everypony with flecks of mud. “In case you didn’t notice. Because Rainie is an earth pony, and I’m a pegasus, so you know... genetics.” “Oh yes, the similarities between your wings are quite obvious,” Rarity offered. Were our wings that similar? Never really thought about that type of thing. Seems weird to look at another pegasus’s wings like that. Not that ponies like Cloud Kicker would ever shut up about that type of thing sometimes. Rarity’s eyes widened as the other horseshoe dropped. “Oh my word, two mothers! Rainbow Dash, you never told me you were a love foal!” I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.” “Not a big deal!?” Rarity pouted. “Of course it is a big deal. To think your parents love one another enough to inspire the Power of Love and give birth to you. Nothing wrong with a stallion and a mare doing what needs to be done to create a foal of course. Or the other ways, but how you came to be is quite special. Don’t you think?” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “It happens.” Jeez, why did Rarity have to make such a big deal about the whole Power of Love thing? The way she was going on about it, you would think its some big, huge thing. Rarity puckered her lips at my response. “Oh Dash, you really don’t appreciate how special and lovely this is. I simply don’t understand why you never told me about your parents.” “Yes, why didn’t you mention us to your friend?” Cool-Mom asked, with more than a hint of disapproval. “Um, yeah, about that...” I rubbed the back of my neck. I couldn’t exactly tell my parents that they embarrassed me to the point I didn’t want to be seen in public with them. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. It wasn’t like I was ashamed of them or anything. They just tended to make me look uncool. “It just never came up in conversation with Rarity.” “Oh, now that just isn’t true.” Rarity gave a vigorous shake of her head. “You could have told me at any time we were together or with our other friends.” “I guess I just didn’t think about it,” I said in a way that sounded weak even to my ears. Crap, I’m never good with talking my way out of stuff like this. “Well then.” Cool-Mom stood up in the mud. “I’m afraid this is simply a matter that we are going to have to correct right away. We must simply spend some time together... I’m sorry, what was your name?” Rarity proudly put a hoof onto her chest. “Rarity, a pleasure to meet you, darling.” “Rarity...” Cool-Mom rolled the name off her tongue as though testing how it sounded. “A pleasure to meet you too. This is my wife, Surprise.” She waved a hoof toward the mud bath, but she turned to see that Awesomom was no longer there. She looked at the last spot Awesomom had been and frowned. “Well this was where she would have been if she hadn’t scampered off to somewhere. She is quite prone to do such things. One of those little things I’ve grown to love her for. Even if it is a bit annoying.” “It’s quite alright,” Rarity said primly. “No need to apologize. I’m sure I’ll get the opportunity to meet with her later if I’m with you long enough.” “Quite.” Cool-Mom tapped her lips with her hoof. “Hm, Rarity, would you happen to be the Rarity of Carousel Boutique?” Rarity stood up and took up a pose that screamed sophistication. “Why yes, I don’t suppose you have heard of my work?” “Of course I have, darling.” Cool-Mom almost laid a hoof on Rarity’s shoulder but stopped when she saw that it was still covered in mud. “Oops, sorry.” She giggled and gave Rarity an apologetic smile. “Anyways, you’re an up-and-comer in the fashion world. I’ve been following your work for a couple of years now, and I must say, I was absolutely in love with your last fall lineup. ” Rarity put on a smile that looked pretty darn smug to me. “That’s very flattering to hear. It is always rewarding to hear one’s work being appreciating.”   Ugh, I forgot how similar Cool-Mom and Rarity were. Both being pretty, frou-frou dress makers, obsessed with fashion, and talking in that way you don’t hear anypony talk like outside of the fancy-nobly types in Canterlot. Thank Celestia there's nopony who's exactly like Awesomom. I don’t think Equestria could take two of her. “Please, I must see your boutique.” Cool-Mom motioned to her mud covered body. “If you will just grant me the time to clean up, I would like to leave without too much delay.” Rarity primly ran her hoof through her mane. “Of course. I’ll just get a raincheck for my appointment here at the spa.” Cool-Mom trotted over to one of the baths to clean off the mud. “If it’s not too much trouble, I would really appreciate it.” She jumped into the bath and started to wash the mud off. I finally saw my opportunity to get away and get a few minutes to just fly around to clear my head and maybe take a nap. It was always a good time to take a nap. “So I guess it would be cool for me to go while you hang out with Rarity then?” Cool-Mom climbed out of her bath, now clean of mud, and smiled at me. “Of course not. I was hoping to see how your friend’s dresses look on you. It has been ever so long since I was given the opportunity to see you in a proper dress.” Rarity suppressed a little squee. “That does sound wonderful. It’s so rare I get to try new designs out on a pony with such a unique mane.” I tried to think of a way to get out of playing dress up at Rarity’s for Celestia only knows how many hours. Cool-Mom’s marathon dress-wearing sessions could last forever when I was a filly. “No, really, I’m good.” “Oh, don’t be like that.” Cool-Mom said while drying herself off with a towel. “This is an opportunity for some mother-daughter bonding we haven’t had in forever.” Rarity started walking around me and giving me a cursory look-over. “And really, you do clean up quite nicely when you let me give you a makeover.” I could just see her dressing me with her eyes. It was kinda creepy. “There’s no getting out of this, is there?” I whispered to Rarity. “You make this sound like a bad thing.” Rarity nuzzled me on the cheek. “Just you wait, we’ll fix your mane right up into something stylish.” I flinched away from Rarity’s nuzzle. I had enough trouble with Pinkie and my parents touching me like that, much less Rarity. Why did everypony have to be so touchy as of late? Now dried off, Cool-Mom walked up to add her own opinions on how to bore me over the next few hours. “Oh, and it’s always divine to try and find an outfit that matches her mane and eyes.” As the two of them started going into how to dress me up, I couldn’t help but groan and rub my face. It looked like I was doomed to face hours of tedious boredom. *** It’s kinda hard not to notice a five-story-tall curtain wall that had suddenly blocked off a fifth of Ponyville. Especially when it blocked some of the streets to the Carousel Boutique. It didn’t help that the streets were almost completely filled with ponies as Cool-Mom, Rarity, Fluttershy, and I tried to navigate through them. Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth had decided to stay at the spa considering that was what they were out in town to do in the first place while Pinkie and Awesomom had ran off to continue preparing for their party. I would normally have said that flying would have been an easier way to get around Ponyville, but when I looked up, the sky was starting to look like rush hour in Cloudsdale. I could see a big difference in how much traffic there was from even an hour ago. On a guess, I stopped by some mare who I didn’t recognize. “Hey, what’re you here for?” The mare’s ears perked when I spoke to her. “Oh, I’m here for the party. I got this invitation the other day for what’s supposed to be a great party.” She looked around at the mass of ponies surrounding us. “And based on how many ponies showed up, it should be great. I tried to peek under the curtain earlier, but a creepy, pink mare poked her head at me and gave me one of the meanest stares I’ve ever seen. She just glared at me and pointed to a sign saying ‘Party at 7 pm, Please Be Patient.’ I decided it was just best to wait out here until it’s time for the party.” “Yeah, great,” I said with less than perfect conviction. What exactly were Pinkie and Awesomom up to? Besides the obvious. It seemed the two of them had been serious about inviting a lot of ponies over for this party for my parents. “Thanks for the info.” Fluttershy looked around nervously at all the ponies surrounding her. “Oh my, there’s so many ponies here all of a sudden.” I wrapped a wing around Fluttershy to comfort her. “Hey, you okay there?” Rarity trotted up to the other side of Fluttershy and gave her a reassuring smile. “Yes, this isn’t too much for you, is it?” She gave a slight nod of her head and leaned up against me. “Yes, I think I’ll be alright once we get to Rarity’s. Ponyville just usually isn’t this busy.” I swiveled my head around slowly at the mass of ponies to look for the best way to work through them. “Yeah, looks like Pinks has really outdone herself if all of these ponies are here for the party later today.” Rarity bumped into the side of a stallion as she tried to make a bit of headway through the crowd for Fluttershy and quickly apologized to him. “I would say so. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many ponies in town.” We finally managed to work our way through the streets to get to Rarity’s house and place of business. Rarity opened the door and invited all of us inside. “There, is that better, everypony?” Fluttershy let out a sigh of relief. “Oh yes, much better. But shouldn’t you be keeping your doors open for business instead of entertaining your friends? There are so many ponies in town right now.” “That’s very thoughtful of you, darling, but I’ll manage. I figure most of the ponies visiting today would just want to spend time window shopping instead of actually looking to buy anyway. Besides, it’s a rare opportunity when I get to meet one of my very good friend’s parents.” Yeah, I know for a fact Rarity was looking for an opportunity to put another one of her dresses on me. Just like she always did for everypony. Cool-Mom was kinda the same too. I can’t tell you how many times I had to try on outfits as a filly and let Cool-Mom take pictures of me. Either for her family albums or to help advertise for her shop. Cool-Mom was walking around the Boutique and looking at everything. “I must say, I find this place absolutely darling. The colors, the architecture, it all flows together and makes for a rather lovely atmosphere.” Rarity trotted up to Cool-Mom and gave her an appreciative smile. “You really think so, darling? I put more than a fair share of thought and bits to get it all quite right, and I always worried that it was a bit much.” “Oh, no-no-no, darling, it is quite wonderful.” Cool-Mom put a hoof on Rarity’s withers. “You should see some of the shops in Canterlot and Manehatten. Now there are some gaudy affairs. Some look like they would fit better in a circus rather than a place for ponies to buy outfits. They are clearly trying too hard.” Rarity let out a haughty huff. “Don’t I know it. They try so hard to be noticed that they sacrifice style for substance. It becomes more about presentation and fanfare than actually making ponies look their best.” Cool-Mom started looking at one of Rarity’s dresses that was on display. Some purple thing with lots of frills. “I see the two of us are oflike mind on the topic, darling.” Rarity arched her head up to look at what Cool-Mom was looking at. “Do you like that darling little number?” Cool-Mom picked up the hat and turned it around in her hooves. “Oh yes, I find that this darling hat really compliments the whole thing.” I applied my hoof to my face and let out a groan. The sheer number of uses of ‘darling’ was starting to give me a headache. This always seemed to happen whenever Cool-Mom got into a talk with other fashion-obsessed ponies. I remember having to go to a couple lame dinners with Cool-Mom in Cloudsdale: after a certain point all I could hear was an endless echo of ‘darling.’ It was like it was mandatory for them to use that word. Unfortunately, my groan drew the attention of my dress-crazy mom and friend. “Oh my, sorry girls,” said Rarity. “We didn’t mean to go on and exclude you two.” Fluttershy gave Rarity a warm smile. “It’s fine, I like hearing the two of you talking so passionately about fashion.” I decided to look at the wall and play it cool. “Meh, I’m not interested in all that frou-frou stuff.” “Now don’t be like that.” Rarity used her magic to float over an outfit that seemed to be more frills than dress. “Try this on. I think it goes quite well with your coat, but I’m not sure about your eyes.” I tried to think of an excuse to try and keep me from having to spend boring hours in dresses. “Why don’t you try and find something for Fluttershy instead? She, you know, likes trying on dresses and stuff.” Cool-Mom yelled over from a clothesline where more dresses were hanging from. “Please, Dash, you make it sound like the both of you can’t dress up at the same time. Your friend has a darling selection here, and more than one changing room. No need for either of you to feel left out.” Fluttershy walked over to Cool-Mom to look at the dresses she was going through. “That does sound nice. Rarity always makes the nicest dresses.” Shoot, it looked like I wasn’t going to get out of this that easily. I looked at the doors and windows and considered making a break for it. If I was fast enough they wouldn’t even notice that I had actually left. “Please, Dash, it has been forever since I’ve seen you in a dress with my own eyes.” Cool-Mom selected out a dress and started to walk my way. “I adored those pictures of you and your friends in your gala dresses. It did my heart good to see that you hadn’t given up completely on your looks.” She looked me in the eyes. The look of a mom who just wanted to relive some happy moments with her daughter. My plans to bolt evaporated. I let out a resigned sigh. “Yeah, okay Cool-Mom. I’ll put the dress on for you.” I took the dress from her without really looking at it and started to put it on. “Dash!” Cool-Mom said in that tone of voice that told me I had done something wrong, and I flinched. “Don’t dress in public! That’s indecent and you know it! How many times do I have to tell you? Put on the dress in the dressing room.” I never really got the whole why dressing in public was such a big deal. But for some reason it made ponies like Cool-Mom uncomfortable. Maybe it was a high society thing? Rarity shooed me towards the dressing room. “Yes, we have the dressing rooms for a reason, darling. Use them already.” She turned to face Cool-Mom and shook her head disapprovingly. “I take it you have never been able to do much to smooth out those rough edges on your daughter?” Cool-Mom let out an annoyed huff. “I’m afraid not. She never did grow to understand fashion or the like. I could barely get her to use makeup growing up. I don’t think she uses any cosmetics anymore.” “Because makeup runs when you’re pushing clouds or getting sweaty exercising,” I groaned irritably. Really, how many times do we have to have this stupid argument? Cool-Mom shook her head vigorously. “Now that isn’t quite true. There are cosmetics now that are water resistant, and they really would help you look quite lovely.” “Whatever, Cool-Mom.” I entered the dressing room to put on the dress. I heard Cool-Mom walk up to the dressing room door and speak through the door. “Don’t you ‘whatever’ me young lady. This is important. You want to look lovely for your fillyfriend, don’t you?” “I would like to see you all lovely and pretty, Dashie!” Pinkie said as she popped out from under the bench in the dressing room. I was of course calm and played it cool when Pinkie suddenly appearing in the dressing room, and didn’t let out a high pitched scream as I jumped onto the bench. I was just trying to get a better view by standing on it, is all. “Pinkie! What’re you doin’ in here?!” Pinkie smiled up at me with a huge, oblivious grin. “Watching you dress of course, silly.” Okay, that was kinda creepy for some reason. I heard a series of loud knocks on the door to the stall. “Pinkie! Get out of there this instant!” Rarity yelled through the door. “You’re being absolutely scandalous in there. That is a dressing room, not a make-out booth!” “Aww, but I wanted to see Dashie dress,” Pinkie pouted. “I could stand out here and guard the door if you girls want to make me a grandmother,” I heard Cool-Mom say. “I wouldn’t mind making a foal!” Pinkie stood up from the floor and gave me a smirk that I was more used to seeing on Cloud Kicker’s face. “Hey Dashie, wanna make out?” I was suddenly very aware of just how close I was to Pinkie, and how little room there was to move around. “Gah! Cool-Mom, don’t encourage her!” Rarity knocked on the door a couple more times. “Absolutely not! You are not doing that type of socializing in my dressing room! Get out of there this instant!” Pinkie sighed. “Fine.” She opened the door and walked outside. “You can be a real party pooper sometimes. We got dressed together with our gala dresses you know.” “Yes, well that was different, Pinkie dear.” Rarity closed the door after Pinkie has exited. “I’m sure you and Rainbow Dash will have plenty of opportunities to... socialize, in private.” “How is this different?” Pinkie asked. “It just is,” Rarity replied simply. “It’s just how ponies are supposed to act in civilized society.” I wasn’t quite sure how this was supposed to be different than when we put on our gala dresses either. Like I said, I don’t understand clothes. But then, I didn’t understand a lot of things—like how Pinkie could be here and still be getting work done for that party later. Seemed better to leave the thinking to the eggheads. I finished putting on the dress and walked out of the dressing room. Might as well get this over and done with.  Cool-Mom clapped her hooves. “Wonderful, darling, wonderful. It is quite becoming on you.” I probably should’ve done this when I first took the dress from Cool-Mom, but I finally looked down at what I was wearing. It was pink. Like Pinkie Pie pink. With lots of frills and other things I didn’t really know the names of. Point is, it wasn’t very cool. I tried to think of something positive to say. I knew from past experience that complaining would only drag the whole process out. “Yeah, um, it’s pink alright.” Rarity walked around me, and I could feel her judgmental stare. “Yes, you really could use some variety in your wardrobe. As nice at it is to sew up dresses that mimic your natural mane color, it wouldn’t hurt you to switch things up now and again.” Cool-Mom nodded in agreement. “She’s quite right. You get quite finicky sometimes about your dresses being ‘cool.’” “Because I don’t really like dresses that aren’t cool.” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “There isn’t anything wrong with pink dresses, is there?” Pinkie asked tentatively. Uh-oh, I think this might be one of those fillyfriend moments I have a tendency of screwing up. I scrambled to think of what would make Pinkie happy. “No, uh, pink is a cool color. In fact this dress is really cool because it’s pink.” Looks like that was the right thing to say considering that made Pinkie put on one of those big, goofy grins of hers. “Oh, so you do love it then?” Rarity asked hopefully. I’d already dug myself in too far to back out now. “Uh, sure. I think it’s cool enough to wear.” Jumping out from the dressing room I’d just been in, Awesomom grasped me in one of her big bear hugs. “Of course the dress is cool! It’s because my little Dashie is wearing it!” I couldn’t help but struggle in Awesomom’s grasp. Little hard not to be uncomfortable when you mom was squeezing the air from your lungs. Jeez she could be clingy. “Gagh! Awesomom!” “Ohh, let’s all hug Dashie! Hug pile!” Pinkie jumped in from the other side and added to my discomfort with her own hug. The both of them hugging me made me worry I was going to break in half. I really hoped nopony else got in on this. “Ah, there’s my wife.” Cool-Mom walked up and gave Awesomom a peck on the cheek. “Rarity, this is my wife, Surprise.” “My pleasure, madam.” Rarity gave Awesomom a respectful nod of her head. “Hiya, want to get in on hugging Dashie halfway to death?” Awesomom emphasised her offer by giving me another squeeze that caused me cough painfully. Rarity gave a strained smile. “No, I think I’m alright. Besides, I don’t think Dash can take much more.” “Your loss,” said Pinkie. “She’s just so huggable.” My vision was starting to be covered with stars from the two of them hugging me. A lack of oxygen will do that to ya. “Awesomom... Pinkie... you’re both killing me here...” The both of them finally let me go, and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath. Pinkie gave me a rough series of pats on the head. “Don’t worry, I’d never hug you to death. Because then I would never be able to hug you again. So I’m always careful.” Awesomom rustled my mane as I recovered. “Hugging in moderation is what I’ve learned over the years. It’s like hot sauce.” She pulled a cupcake and a hot sauce bottle out of her mane. “Too much and you overwhelm the flavor of what you are putting it on.” She poured the hot sauce on the cupcake and then ate it in one, big bite. Heh, that’s right. I nearly forgot. Awesomom likes to put hot sauce on her cupcakes, just like... Pinkie... does... A horrible, terrible realization was overcoming me as I watched while Pinkie pulled out a cupcake from her own mane and Awesomom poured on the hot sauce. Oh... my... goddesses... I'M DATING MY MOM! Upon this realization, I did the only thing anypony would do in this situation: I panicked. I let out a high-pitched scream and without waiting for anypony to react, I flew right through Rarity’s front door and outside into a world that no longer made sense. Flying erratically to... somewhere... anywhere. Anywhere that would let me unthink the things I just thought. My life was ruined!