“I still think this is a terrible way to travel” said Luna, emerging from the fireplace in Professor Dumbledore’s office, blowing green embers off of her wings. The professor looked up from his papers.
“I have been expecting you, Luna”.
“You don’t say,” she said facetiously.
Dumbledore chucked, adjusting his small glasses. He set down what he was working on, and rose to greet the blue alicorn.
“You may be shocked to learn that we are a bit understaffed of present”.
“Oh?” she said, faking bafflement.
“Dolores Umbridge has been relieved of her duties as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. It seems the Ministry has been shown evidence of her…. unusual teaching methods."
“If that’s what you call it,” said Luna, under her breath. “But, how could you sack her? I thought she was the Grand Inquisitioner, or whatever?”
“I will remind you that I am still the headmaster of this school”.
“Oh…. right.” she said.
“Now then. As I have said, we are short one teacher for this term. I wanted to ask if you–”
“Yes”.
“I did not even ask you the question, Princess Luna”.
“You didn’t need to” she retorted.
“Who do you think Dumbledore got to replace Umbridge?” asked Hermione as the Gryffindors left breakfast, heading towards the familiar classroom.
“I think it’s Lupin, although he didn’t tell us over Christmas” said Ron.
“He couldn’t hire Lupin, he’s a werewolf” Harry added.
“Whoever it is, they won’t last long”.
“Of course” Harry went over a list of previous professors, Order of the Phoenix members, and Aurors, but couldn’t think of a single wizard that wasn’t a wanted criminal, a puppet of the Ministry, dead, or otherwise unable to take the job.
And then it hit him.
“Say, have either of you seen Luna since we’ve been back?”
“No,” Ron said, “I haven’t seen her since we left Grimmauld”.
Harry suddenly dashed up the stairs, running towards the Defence Against the Dark Arts class. A group of students were clustered around the closed doors, as clueless as Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” Hermione said, trying to catch her breath.
Suddenly, the closed doors flew open in a flash of blue. The students entered the room like a flood, only to find the desks, chairs, and books with which they had become accustomed were gone. In their place was a long wooden stage, covered in a lavender cloth. A familiar equine stood at the far end. A pair of black-framed fake glasses gave her an appearance of intellectualism. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood petrified.
“Welcome, class”.
“My name is Professor Luna”.
Defence Against the Dark Arts as taught by Luna was about one trillion times better than the class under Umbridge. There was no torture, for one. The class was obviously inspired by the lessons of Dumbledore’s Army. Most of class had become somewhat familiar with her in the fall, but some were a bit uncomfortable with their new instructor. On her first day, still very unfamiliar with the points system, she had unknowingly awarded one thousand points to a Hufflepuff third-year for correctly identifying a boggart, leaving Argus Filch to clean up the shower of golden crystals which had suddenly materialized in the now-broken hourglass in the Great Hall. After that, her students were still terrified, but content that they had a competent teacher that wasn’t sadistic, an impersonator, a fraud, a werewolf, or hiding a dark wizard on the back of their head (not that they hadn’t checked).
“Now, who would like to volunteer?” she asked, frowning as not a single hand was raised. She looked at Potter, who just shrugged.
“Ah– Mr. Longbottom, would you like to demonstrate for the class?”
Neville Longbottom, standing as close to the door as humanly possible, was paralyzed with fear, his face pale. He began to slowly walk up to the stage opposite Luna with a march not entirely unlike that of a man on death row.
“Now, (don’t be afraid, I’m not going to hurt you), would you care to demonstrate what you’ve learned about fighting Death Eaters to the class?”
Neville raised his stiff arm, holding the wand quiveringly towards the princess. She smiled.
“E… Ex…. Expelliarmus!”
A scarlet bolt flew from the end of his wand and struck her in the face. She didn’t even blink.
“Very good, Mr. Longbottom, but it’s very difficult to disarm someone when their weapon is also attached to their face” she said, as the class began to laugh. She silenced them effectively with a single raised hoof.
“How about trying a Shield Charm, then?’
Neville made no reply, but slowly nodded his head.
“Uh… Pro…. Protego!” he said, and a blue flash of light met a similar one from Luna’s horn, overcame it, and struck her. She was thrown into the air, across the room, and, to the horror of the entire class, directly out an open window. Neville fainted as the pegasus went plummeting from the classroom, which was unfortunately on the top floor of a high tower. The rest of the class rushed to watch her fall, crowding the window. Just as they noticed the lack of a corpse on the castle grounds, a shattering sound was heard from the other side of the room. The students turned around, shocked to see their professor standing directly in front of the newly broken window, brushing shards of glass out of her mane.
“Good work, Neville, although you may find me quite difficult to kill. Twenty points to Gryffindor.”