//------------------------------// // Chapter 14: Return of the Archon Toilet - Part 1 // Story: Of Archon Toilets and Bioballs // by MiniPsyker //------------------------------// "Chocolate rain..." Mike sang, walking around the open fields between Ponyville and Applejack's home, deciding to pay her a visit for the apple cider he and his men loved. "Some stay dry and others lose the game..." As soon as he finished his verse, he could feel something impacting against his hood from the sky. He raised his vision and saw, slightly surprised, pink clouds in the skies raining a strange brown liquid. He extended his hand in front of him to let a drop fall to it and stared. "This..." He thought to himself. "IT'S RAINING SHI-- Oh wait it's chocolate milk." He wasn't as surprised as others would be. Mostly because he thought this was normal, since he had seen several weird thing by his standards already. Shrugging it off, he kept on walking while also seeing Rainbow Dash chasing a pink cloud. Mike arrived to his destination, just in time to see Applejack shot by a machinegun of popcorn originating from a corn plant. "Fancy life you got here." He said as he walked up to her and helped her up. "I ain't got no idea what's going on now!!" "Why would you wanna stop this?" Pinkie Pie questioned while swimming in a sea of popcorn. "I heard about your troubles, Applejack," Rarity spoke after arriving with a waterproof coat, hat, and an umbrella, "and I came to see if there's anything I can do without getting wet. Or dirty. Or out from under my umbrella." "So you mean this isn't actually normal?" Mike questioned. "How would this even be considered normal!?" Applejack retorted. "Well..." Mike sighed, remembering the Ursa Major, Nightmare Moon, Cloudsdale, and the entire concept of a fully functional medieval society managed by talking pastel coloured ponies with its economy centered mostly on apples. His thoughts, however, were interrupted by the sight of the apples in a tree tripling in size, with their new weight causing the trees to bend down to the ground. Critters appeared and began eating the apples, taking the opportunity. "Fluttershy! Do somethin'!" Applejack pressured her. "Now, Angel, you really shouldn't–" Boom. Now the bunnies had metre-long legs. "No! It's not possible! I must be seeing things!" "By the Emperor!" Mike yelled in fright while backing off. "Don't worry everyone." Twilight spoke, arriving with Spike and a book. "I've learned a new spell that'll fix everything." She focused her energy, making her horn glow, and then released it on the fields. A giant wave of purple energy engulfed the scenery before changing it in absolutely no way at all. Everything remained the same. "My fail-safe spell... failed. What do we do?" "Uh, give up?" Both Mike and Spike suggested. "Spike, Mike, Twilight will come up with something." Rarity reassured them. Mike sighed and decided to check how much was affected by this event while Twilight came up with a plan. He tinkered with his gasmask and brought up the usual HUD Terran commanders have. 'Okay, let's see here...' He thought to himself, seeing Rainbow Dash flying around and pushing the clouds together. He moved the map around, no fog of war being present due to his forces already having scouted the area several times already. The fields of corn were now field of popcorn, there was no way to distinguish puddles of mud from puddles of chocolate milk, and there were hordes upon hordes of long-legged pissed off bunnies stampeding around. Still not as weird as a Protoss planet. He raised an eyebrow upon seeing the hordes immediately changing course, and once he saw their destination being the clouds tied to a post, he figured the problem was partly solved and turned off his HUD. "That was pretty fast." He said. "You see, Spike, Mike? You should never give up. There's nothing we can't overcome if we all work together." Spike suddenly burped a letter which landed on the ground. Twilight began reading it, and gasped once she realized what it was. "Come on girls. Princess Celestia wants to see us all in Canterlot immediately!" Afterwards... "CHOO CHOO!!" Mike yelled before ramming himself on the castle's door, opening it the way only true Terrans would. Strapped to the side of his belt he had his revolver, and in his hands a C-14 Impaler Gauss Rifle, the standard weapon of the marines. "Princess Celestia, we came as fast as we could." Twilight stated upon entering after Mike, with the rest of her friends following. "...Sorry about the door." "Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all." The princess said. "Is this about the weather? And the animals' weird behavior? What's happening out there? Why isn't my magic working? Is there–" She was silenced by the princess raising her hoof. "Follow me." She ordered. "I've called you here for a matter of great importance." The princess explained as she walked through a hall with stained glasses on the walls, with a giant red carpet on the floor. "It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. Mike, do you remember what we spoke about the morning after the Running of the Leaves?." "Yeah." "It's about him. His name... Is Discord. Discord is the mischevious spirit of disharmony. Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness. Luna and I saw how miserable life was for Earth ponies, Pegasi, and unicorns alike, so after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we combined our powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone." "All right, Princess!" Rainbow Dash cheered. "I thought the spell we cast would keep him contained forever but since Luna and I are no longer connected to the elements, the spell has become weaker and weaker. Upon Mike's arrival, I had thought it was a sign of how Discord's escape would be imminent. I don't know if it actually affected his arrival or if it was sheer accident without Discord's influence, but it doesn't matter now. Discord broke the spell." "No longer connected?" Twilight questioned. "This is Canterlot Tower, where the Elements are kept inside since all of you recovered them. I need you to wield the Elements of Harmony once again and stop Discord before he thrusts all of Equestria into eternal chaos." "But why us? Why don't you-" "Hey look! We're famous!!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed upon seeing herself in a stained glass with her friends. "Hey I'm there too!" Mike added. The stained glass was of the mane 6 using the Elements to bring down Nightmare Moon. Pictured was Nightmare Moon high above, being struck by the rays that emanated from the mane 6 with their Elements, and, behind them all was pictured an army of marines, flying barracks, and Mike leading them. "You six showed the full potential of the elements by harnessing the magic of your friendship to beat a mighty foe. Mike, even though he had no power whatsoever and would lose in merely seconds, showed great courage, bordering on suicidal, against her and helped you, even as a distraction. And although Luna and I once wielded the elements, it is you who now control their power, and it is you who must defeat Discord." "Princess Celestia, you can count on–" Twilight reassured her, only to be interrupted by Pinkie Pie. "Hold on a second! Eternal Chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys. Chocolate rain!" "...The Heresy is strong with this one." Mike mentioned. "Don't listen to her, Princess." Twilight said. "We'd be honored to use the Elements of Harmony again." Celestia stepped forward to a decorated door with a hole in the middle. She placed her horn in the hole, accidental innuendos aside, and focused her energy to open it. Once open, behind it was revealed a case decorated with gems. "Ooh. You can keep the Elements. I'll take that case!" Rarity stated. "Have no fear, ponies. I have total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord..." She stated, using her magic to levitate the case and open it in front of them. "...With these!" It was completely empty. "Alright!" Mike exclaimed while punching his hand. "We'll bludgeon him to death with that case!" He didn't realize there was supposed to be something inside. Everyone gasped and became petrified. "Oh, well." Pinkie Pie said without a care in the world. "If anyone needs me, I'll be outside in the chocolate puddles with a giant swizzle straw." "The elements! They're gone!" Twilight exclaimed. "That chamber is protected by a powerful spell that only I can break! This doesn't make sense!" Celestia said, confused, until a strange laugh which echoed in the castle grabbed the attention of everyone pressent. "Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?" The strange voice questioned. "Discord... Show yourself!" The voice chuckled before continuing. "Did you miss me, Celestia?" It asked before taking control of a draconequus pictured in one of the stained glasses. "I missed you. It's quite lonely being encase--" Bang. The single shot of a gun echoed in the room followed by the sound of glass breaking appart and falling. Mike had shot the stained glass where Discord had showed himself, startling everyone all the while smoke escaped his rifle's barrel. "Well I guess I could call that hospitali--" Bang. Mike shot the other stained glass where Discord took form. "You're not even going to let me talk, are yo--" Bang. "I'm guessing yo--" Bang. "I'm running out of gla--" Bang. "Will you stop that?!" Silence. "Thanks. Now, as I was sa--" Bang. "You sure like interrupting your elders..." Discord now mentioned, taking form of the drawings on the floor, which Mike could not destroy. "Ahh, Celestia, Celestia, Celestia... It's quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn't know that, would you, because I don't turn ponies into stone." "Enough!" Celestia raised her voice. "What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?" "Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while." "You'll never get away with this, Discord!" "Oh, I'd forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It's really quite boring." "Mike..." Twilight gained his attention with irritation. "Stop that." She stated, stopping him from planting explosives all over the floor. "And who are you supposed to be, now? I haven't seen you since my last visit..." Discord asked Mike. "Me?" "Well, of course, there isn't any other towering figure like you over here." Not a second later, two other ghosts which were with him uncloaked. "I stand corrected then." Discord continued. "How did you get into this realm with your 'friends'? I'd have known if your kind existed in my time which, obviously, did not." "Archon toilet." He gave the most direct response he could give. "You love talking in codes. I like you already." "Stop stalling, Discord!" Celestia spoke. "What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?" "Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really? Fine, I'll tell you, but I'll only tell you my way. To retrieve your missing elements just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the elements back where you began." Afterwards, he left with a trail of laughter behind him. "Can we go home now?" Fluttershy asked with fright, walking up to Twilight. "What do you reckon he meant? Twists and turns and ending back where we started?" Applejack asked, doing the same. "Twists and turns... twists and turns..." Twilight thought to herself, walking over to the destroyed window which overlooked the labyrinth. "Twists and turns! That's it! I bet Discord hid the elements in the palace labyrinth!" "Good luck, my little ponies." Celestia spoke up. "The fate of Equestria is in your hooves." "Thanks, Princess. We won't let you down." The mane 6 began running outside, the ghosts and Mike following them, only for Mike to be stopped by Celestia. "Mike." She called for him, stopping him on his tracks. "Yes?" "They might be the only ones who can stop Discord now, an entity which can alter reality with his power, but even then, they're only ponies, and you can alter reality in your own way too. Help them as much as you can, they cannot fail now." "Understood." "Go, time is short." The ponies and Mike arrived to the entrace of the labyrinth at last, their search for the Elements now beginning. "W-We have to go in there?" Fluttershy asked. "Nope! Dopey Discord forgot about these babies! I'll just do a quick flyover and we'll have the Elements in no time." She took flight, only for her wings to disappear in mid-air, making her fall to the ground. "My wings!" Then Fluttershy's wings disappeared, making her scream. Then Rarity's and Twilight's horn. "Your horn!" They both spoke in unison. "My horn! Ahhh!" "What." Mike barely muttered, having no idea of what was going on. "Yeah I guess I'm th'only average here..." Applejack sighed, seeing as nothing changed at all for her. Discord laughed, appearing in front of them in a thunderstorm and frightening the ponies, all while laughing. "You–You should see the looks on your faces. Priceless!" He kept on laughing histerically. "Give us our wings and horns back!" Twilight demanded. "You'll get them back in good time. I simply took them to ensure there's no cheating. You see, this is the first rule of our game: no flying, and no magic." "The first rule?" Rainbow Dash questioned. "The second rule is everypony has to play or the game is over, and I win. Good luck, everypony!" He laughed as he disappeared. "Never fear, girls. We have each other!" Twilight stated. "Yeah! Like Twilight said, there's nothing we can't overcome if we all stick together!" Rainbow Dash added. "All right, girls, let's do this!" "Alright everyone chill the Hell out, I got this." Mike spoke up, turning on his HUD and preparing to order his army to enter the area. Technically what he was doing wasn't magic. "Mike, such brilliance to find loopholes..." The voice of Discord echoed. "You're a smart man, as far as the adjective 'smart' goes of course. Here's a decision for you to take, in which in your hands a mistake you can prevent... I won't stop you from using your abilities to help your friends in this quest, but then great repercussions you'll have to expect. Hahahahah!" "See if I ca--" "Mike. Don't do it." Twilight interrupted him. "Dammit..." "Alright then, let's go!" "Together!" The ponies said in unison as they stepped forward. A second later, walls of plants separated them from each other, forcing them to take their paths all on their own. They screamed in fright as they raised, not expecting such thing. "Stay calm, girls!" Twilight reassured everyone. "Everypony head to the middle as fast as you can, and we'll regroup there!" "Why don't you guys just break through the walls? They're not concrete." Mike thought to himself. "Fine... You want it the old-school way? Then fine. Ask me if it's fine, it's fine." Time later... "Ugh... I hate walking..." Mike complained. "If only I had that hellion I raced in... Or a vehicle. Or someone to carry me. I wasn't cut out for this! I'm a commander, not a scout dammit!" Then he remembered that most of his scouting groups ended up dead. "Oh boy." He kept on walking the labyrinth, hitting several dead ends and making no progress at all. Even the good ol' fashioned 'Always follow the wall to your right' served of nothing. Minutes passed without being able to figure out which was to go, figuring he was walking in circles, or in the labyrinth's case, in rectangles. All until a segment of the wall opened on its own, as if it was controlled by someone. Seeing enough cheap ripoff horror movies, he decided to ignore it and keep walking his own way. Then another segment opened. He ignored it. Another opened. He ignored it. Apparently the labyrinth got tired and decided to trap Mike in a 1x1 walled in box, with one side opening on its own. "Well, guess I have no choice." He sighed as he looked at the opening. "Headfirst into glory!" He yelled, turning around and charging full speed right through the wall of leaves behind him, accidentally tripping over Twilight Sparkle who was running behind it. "Oh hey Twilight." "Tsk... Smart bugger..." Discord thought to himself. No one heard him. "Mike! First time I'm ever glad to see you again." "Eh, I'll take that as a good sign." He said, standing up and then helping her up. "So, met anyone yet?" "No, only you. Any idea how far we are to the center?" "Can I check with the HUD?" "No." "Then no." Twilight sighed. "Let's keep running." A segment of the wall opened next to Twilight and Mike who were running, revealing Applejack a distance behind it. They stopped on their tracks and walked through the opening, now seeing Applejack though with something different. "Applejack! Thank goodness! I thought I heard voices over here. Who were you talking to?" Twilight asked with Mike following behind. "I was talking to... uh... nopony! Nopony whatsoever!" "What?" "What happened to your skin? It lost... Colour..." Mike asked. "Nothin'! Come on, uh, we best be goin'." She answered, walking away. "Did Applejack just...?" Twilight asked herself. "Come on, Twilight! Applejack wouldn't lie." "Am I the only one noticing her change of colour? Just me? Alright, fantastic." Mike, Greypplejack and Twilight stood in front of an oppening on the wall staring at a bunch of baloons popping, confused. Once they disappeared, however, they found out Pinkie Pie was behind. "Pinkie Pie! Are we glad to see you!" Twilight cheered. "Oh boy, another grey one." Mike whispered to himself. "Oh you are, huh? Why? Need a good laugh?" She ranted, walking past her. "Pinkie?" She questioned. "What do you suppose has her so upset?" She asked Applejack. "It's not like her." "I didn't notice anything strange about Pinkie." "Well, for starters, she's... Oh, I don't know... Grey!" Mike stated. Twilight didn't really pay attention to his statement. "Weird." Twilight said to herself. "Better pick up the pace before the stress of this gets the better of all of us." Then, a baloon began following them as they left. It wasn't long until Mike shot it just because he could, not because he saw anything weird with it. "I'm still wondering why you guys don't break through the walls like I did." Mike questioned, following Twilight, Greypplejack and Greynkie Pie. Not after long, they met a segment of the wall which was purely stone. Realizing this was rather different than the other segments, they stopped to examine it, but before they could do anything it crumbled upon itself. Behind it, after the dust was cleared, they spotted Rarity hauling a giant ... Boulder. "Rarity! Are we glad to see... Why are you carrying a humongous boulder?" Twilight asked. "What do you mean, "boulder"? This big beautiful bedazzling rock is a diamond! And it's all mine. Keep your envious little eyes off it! I found it and it's mine fair and square!" She grunted, slowly away with it with incredible effort. "And I'm here being the only one who can actually notice them being Gray..." Mike sighed, beginning to walk away with the group. "Open sesame!" Mike yelled in front of a grass wall with his rifle high up in the air, expecting it to open. Mike turned his head around once he heard the noise of the wall right behind him opening. "Dammit." "Fluttershy! I'm so glad to see a friendly face." Twilight said upon seeing her behind the wall. "This awful labyrinth is getting to every pony." "Hey, 50 bucks that's another grey one!" Mike yelled, not even knowing what to expect. "Aw, boo hoo hoo! Why don't you wave your magic little horn and make everything all right?" Fluttershy angrily retorted. "Uhh..." "Oh, that's right, you can't. You don't have one." Fluttershy taunted her while whipping her tail on her face. "You owe me 50 bucks." Mike mentioned while walking up to Twilight. "What is happening to my friends?" Twilight questioned, seeing them acting the opposite of what they previously were. "What do we do with a drunken sailor... What do we do with a drunken sailor..." Mike sang to himself while him, Twilight, Greypplejack, Greynkie Pie, Greyrity and Greyttershy kept on walking to find the Elements. "What do we do with a drunken sailor... Early in the morning..." "Must... find... Rainbow Dash." Twilight gasped for air, carrying the boulder Rarity saw as a diamond. "As a team... we're unstoppable. Rainbow Dash won't let us down." "Well, looky there." Applejack pointed out. "Rainbow Dash is flying away. She's abandonin' us." "Now I know that's a lie." She said, but once she looked up she gasped. "How can it be?" There she was, Greybow Dash, flying away and thus breaking one of Discord's rules. "Whelp, we're fucked." Mike stated, readying his rifle for the worst. As if answering Mike's statement, the skies darkened with clouds, the walls lowered themselves, and all that remained from the labyrinth was a simple crater, void of anything but dirt. "Well, well, well. Somepony broke the 'no wings, no magic' rule." Discord spoke as he appeared from the dust, giving them their horns and wings back. "Game's over, my little ponies. You didn't find your precious elements. Looks like we might be due for a big old storm of chaos! Hahahahahahah!"