// Chapter Four: Befriending Pinkamina Diane Pie //------------------------------//
You stir from your slumber to feel something sitting on your chest. As soon as you felt those hooves kneed on your chest you knew that last night wasn’t a hallucination. You were truly living in Equestria on an entirely different planet. Putting that aside the feeling of having Screwball on your chest is messing with your breathing. Your chest can’t fully rise due to her weight.
“Get up Anonymous!” She screams before rapidly tapping your forehead. That has to be one of the worst ways to get your attention. You weren’t prepared for her yelling so you wake up with a jolt. When your eyes finally focus on the light in the room she grins. “Wakey wakey sleepyhead! Daddy’s got a mission for you!” You’re not too sure if you heard that right.
“Mission?” You sit up and let the mare slide down your chest and into your lap.
“Yup, Daddy says that since you made a friend so easily yesterday you’ve gotta make a new one today!” You can’t help but wonder how she can be so happy about something like this. You don’t exactly share her enthusiasm. If the other ponies out there are anything like Twilight or Fluttershy then you know you’re in for a bad time today. You still can’t believe something like Discord really wanted you to make another friend. You’re still getting used to the aspect of being around inhuman creatures. You’d ask what Discord would do if you refused. But the fact that he rules over Equestria and his capability of traveling in between worlds made you think refusing him would be a bad idea.
You begrudgingly get out of you soft, comfortable bed and walk over to your dresser. Lucky for you Discord allowed your bedroom to stay somewhat normal. White carpeting covered the floor of your fairly large space. By the wall opposite your door is where your bed has been placed. Like the bed you first woke up in it’s a queen sized mattress. A dark blue thick, fuzzy blanket lays crumpled at the foot of your bed. You told Discord it was a bit much and that your cotton white sheets would be all you need. Discord keeps this place kept quite warm. He insisted and you weren’t about to refuse his kind offering so you kept it.
Before you an over-sized oak dresser took up space, inside is the clothing Discord graciously provided for you. And by ‘graciously provided’ you mean he simply teleported to your apartment, grabbed your clothes, and then hastily threw them in to it. As far as other furniture is concerned you’ve got a simple oak nightstand sitting next to your bed, other than that there’s no furniture. It feels kind of empty but you can’t complain; it’s better than what you had. You sift through the drawers of your dresser in order to come up with an outfit. A white short sleeved shirt, blue jeans, and white high tops end up being your choice of clothing for the day. But before you put anything on you were grabbing a shower.
You grab a folded rainbow swirled towel and start to strip out of yesterday’s clothes, but stop when you get to your pants. Reluctance hits you when you see Screwball is eyeing you curiously from your bed. She made no move to leave; you figured she would have just flown out of the window like before. But then again there are no windows in your room so she would go nowhere.
“Are you gonna leave or was there something else you needed to tell me?” She shakes her head in response to your question.
“Nope,” she goes back to watching you that smile never leaving her face.
“Then why are you here? I’m tryin to prep for my shower,” that sounded a bit rude so you try to recover, “not that you being here is bad, just doesn’t feel right getting naked in front of someone I’ve just met yesterday.” You motion towards your door.
She shrugs, “I’m still wondering why you’re wearing clothes at all, nopony wears clothes,” You noticed that early on, but that won’t sway you to walk around nude.
“It’s a human thing,” you respond with a shrug of your own, “Now please leave.”
“Fine, hurry up though. Twilight will be checking up on you in an hour.” Using her propeller she takes to the air, and then she makes her way over to your door. But before you leave you ask her how she could know that about Twilight.
“How do you know that?” She opens your door and turns back to you.
“Daddy made me watch her sleeping patterns for you. Trust me, I know,” and with that she leaves you to your own devices. Well, looks like Discord isn’t winning ‘father of the year’ anytime soon. You shake your head out of disappointment before stripping down to your birthday suit. With pep in your step you grab your towel and open your door. The hallway is the same as you left it yesterday, and it still gives you a headache when you look at it. As you make your way to your bathroom door you watch the adjacent door open. Out comes Eris with her hair wrapped up in a black towel, she turns to look at you.
“Morning. Oh, what’s wrong with you! Have some decency!” she covers her eyes with her lion paw. You hurriedly open your bathroom door and walk inside. When you’re concealed you peer out of your bathroom, you see Eris uncover her eyes. “Dude, at least warn me when you’re gonna walk out like that,” she obviously doesn’t approve of what you’ve done. The sound of a certain purple earth pony laughing catches your attention. You look behind her to see Screwball laughing her flank off.
You shout out to Screwball, “I thought being naked wasn’t a bad thing since you’re all naked anyway!” you hope she understands sarcasm. Eris picks up on it and responds for her.
“Yeah we’re naked, but that doesn’t mean I want to see some stallion’s package just flopping around,” she shakes her head before floating in to her room. She is sure to slam the door behind her. You give Screwball a deadpan glare, which makes her laugh even harder. With a sigh you shut the door to your bathroom. Like your bedroom, your bathroom is nothing special. Sure it’s large, but the white tile floor, white tub, silver shower-head and knobs, white sink, etcetera isn’t anything out of the ordinary. You’ve seen similar items back on Earth, but they look much better when you’re using them rather than seeing them on display at a department store.
You take your shower, using a nearby bottle of lilac body wash and shampoo you get to work. After a good thirty minute shower you dry off, head back to your room, and get dressed for the day. As you’re heading out of your room you look to find Screwball sitting in the dark half of the hallway, she stares off into the abyss almost mesmerized by it. When you close your door she turns to you.
“So, ready to go?” She gives you a devious grin. You open your mouth to answer, “Too late!” She gallops over to you, grabs your shirt in her maw, and with strength no living creature should have she flings you in to the dark half of the hallway. You can hear the wind whipping around you as you fly into the darkness. You yelp when your head hits the pillows of the bed in Twilight’s basement. Luckily you didn’t keep flying at that insane speed. At least you know how you’re going to get to and from your bedroom. Teleportation that doesn’t involve you being sling shot through the air, you could get used to it.
From your position you take a quick look around the dim lighting of Twilight’s basement. Aside from that, a set of assorted beakers, and what you believe to be a lie detector set upon a nearby table there’s not much to look at. You get out of bed and make your way up the stairs to the main floor of the library. As you get to the door frame you bend down to ensure you don’t smack your head upon it. Once you’ve made it to the main floor you see that the sun hasn’t fully rose. You look to find that neither Twilight nor Spike have woken up yet. Screwball wasn’t lying when she said she memorized her sleeping patterns.
You’re still having problems figuring out why that’d even be necessary. You’re so confused you don’t even hear the approaching hoof steps of a pony from outside the library. The mystery pony knocks upon the door rather loudly. This brings you back from your thoughts of Discord being a terrible father.
”Twilight open up in there!” comes the shrill voice of a mare. “We know you’re hiding an alien! Fluttershy said so!” She starts beating on the door even harder than before when no one answers. Without thinking you approach the door, curiosity guiding your actions. You kneel and open the library door. It’s then you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake. When you open the door the mystery mare keeps pounding away, this time on your chest. Hooves pound in to your chest and stomach. ”I said open up in there!” She’s got her eyes closed and she’s looking away, not doubt trying to put her all in to knocking. It looks like you’re going to get to deal with another pony just like Fluttershy. You try to get the mare’s attention.
”The-ouch-door-fuck-is-god damn it! Open!” you shout, spit flying from your maw all the while. She stops in mid knock, opens her eyes, and looks over to you. Just like Twilight and Fluttershy she’s gray. But unlike them she has no horn or wings, so she’s an earth pony. The next thing you notice is her overly poufy mane and tail, after that you see the triple balloon cutie marks adjourning her flanks. While you examine her she does the same to you. For once you’re graced with the sweet sound of silence, but it doesn’t last. Her eyes switch from surprise to anger.
“What are YOU supposed to be?” Her high pitched voice carries spite you wouldn’t expect from something so small. You rub your chest in order to numb the pain from her knocking.
“I’m a human.” You get to your feet and look down at her.
“A human huh?” She rubs her chin with a hoof. Not looking to start a confrontation you move out of the way and let her inside, now she’s circling you, examining you. After a minute or two of her looking over you she’s had her fill.
“That’s it? No super powers, no claws, fangs, no wings, or tail?” You shake your head.
“Well that’s a little rude coming from someon- sorry somepony who can’t even introduce themselves,” You cross your arms and stare at her disapprovingly.
She scoffs, “I’m Pinkie Pie, but don’t bother remembering it. I’m not gonna be friends with something as stupid looking as you,” as her rant picks up in volume you fight the urge to punt the little pony across the room, “I just wanted to stop by to see the alien and let him know that I hate him and he’ll never get a proper Ponyville introduction because I hate his guts!” Her shouting has enough force to blow your hair back. It was like a hurricane’s winds in comparison.
You have to say that this is definitely not one of your better mornings. You shake your head before sighing. Pinkie Pie definitely doesn’t approve of your demeanor.
“What?!” she says her muzzle suddenly a few inches from your face. Her face blocks your vision. You have no idea how she’s at eye level with your right now, you can’t see past her eyes and mane.
“Pinkie, why do you hate me? Do you have a reason?” you wait for a response.
”I hate you because you’re you!” Yeah you figured she’d have no real reason.
“Well thanks for that Pinkie. Fuck you and have a good day,” You grab hold of her mane and roll her like a bowling ball out of the library. When she stops rolling in the streets you hurriedly shut and lock the library door. You hear her shout angrily before storming off. That’s two for four in the instance of meeting hostile ponies. You start to wonder just how many others will be like that around here. Hopefully there won’t be, but you’re not guaranteed anything. You gaze takes a sudden turn towards the stairs leading into Twilight’s room. You assumed Pinkie’s voice would have woke them up, but it appears as though that didn’t happen.
With nothing else to do in particular you approach one of Twilight’s bookshelves. You sift through them and find nothing of interest. That is until you come across a book with a picture of the Equestrian Map on its cover. You pick up the thick tome and sift through its pages. You spend the next half hour learning about the mountains of the Gryphon Kingdom and learning a few things about how these ponies carry themselves. As it turns out your world and theirs share eerily similar traits, you consider yourself quite lucky. Now you won’t have to bend over backwards in order to change what you’ve grown into. You seem to lose yourself in the pages for an untold amount of time…
The sound of Twilight descending her ladder catches your attention, finally breaking you from the seemingly permanent trance this book put you in.
“Morning.” You wave cheerfully. You receive a tired grunt for your efforts. She’s probably still tired from yesterday. As it stands it seems like those spells took quite a toll on her. Also, Twilight didn’t stir when Screwball said she would, she was off by a few hours. “Sleep well?”
“More like not enough,” she yawns before trotting over to you. Her tired eyes seem to have spotted the book you’re holding, “Oh, you picked a book on Equestrian Geography and Sociology? Makes sense after all you’re not from around here,” she yawns yet again ending it with the smack of her lips.
“Yup, gotta learn whatever I can as quickly as I can. If I’m going to make more friends I’ve got to at least have some basic knowledge of Equestria right? I mean hey everyone needs a good conversation starter.” As you explain you take a good look at Twilight, she’s right when she said she didn’t get enough rest. Her eyes are baggy and bloodshot, her mane and tail are an absolute mess, and that morning breath is pounding into your senses each time she exhales.
”More friends?” She looks over you with confusion before rubbing her eyes.
You smirk, “What did ya wanna keep me all to yourself?” You chuckle when you see you’ve gotten a rise out of the little unicorn. It looks like her cheeks could get some color when she’s embarrassed.
“N-no, it’s just-nopony is really friendly anymore,” she looks at the floor. You continue to laugh.
“Yeah I noticed, some mare named Pinkie Pie came by earlier,” this gets Twilight’s attention.
“Really?! What happened?” she asks. You close the book and place it in your lap. Judging by how this explanation will probably lead into more questions you decide you’re done reading for now.
“She was less than friendly. Apparently Fluttershy told the ponies about me, and if she hasn’t I’m sure Pinkie will. God she’s got a mouth on her,” You grimace as you recall just how loud she got with you.
“Oh, well, I guess the secrets out then. I can tell you you’re not the strangest thing out there now, so maybe the ponies won’t be so abrasive when they see you,” Twilight seems to be mulling the thought of you actually walking among the ponyfolk. ”At least you cleaned up,” she nods approvingly. “I assume you’ve found out about the bed enchantment?”
“Wait you knew?” You narrow your eyes, your anger rising at a quick rate. Just what else could she be hiding from you? Is it a good idea to place any sort of trust in a pony? Twilight laughs nervously, refusing to meet your gaze.
“Y-yeah I was kinda tired, must have slipped my mind,” She shrugs while you get to your feet. You turn your back for a moment to put the book back where you got it, your hands shaking all the while. You were resisting the strong urge to bring your fist across the side of her head. You take this moment to try and gather your bearings. She just made a simple mistake nothing more, you have no right to get like this over something so small, and it’s not as if you got hurt over this little oversight. You take a deep breath and relax your posture. When you turn back you’ve found that you’ve calmed down enough to not yell at her.
”Since you fixed my back I’ll forgive you, but please, Twilight, tell me if there’s something I need to know,” She nods before wiping her brow.
“I will. Thank you for not being mad.” Relief is clear in her voice. You nod, before walking past her. You can’t forget that you have a mission in mind, better to get started now rather than later. The sooner you make a new friend or acquaintance the quicker you can relax and not worry about your day. When you put your hand to the handle of Twilight’s front door she calls out to you.
“Wait, where are you going?” She trots over to you, as she does you look back and answer her.
“I’m going to do what boss-man says, I’m gonna make friends with the ponies. Anyone you have in mind?” Twilight looks away in deep thought for a moment. She smiles when an idea strikes her.
”This is a bit of a long shot, but you should try Pinkie,” Her suggestion is surprising to say the least. After all you have no idea how to go about befriending someone who hates you simply for existing.
“Really?”
“Yeah! If you have any effect on her like you did me then maybe you can help her too,” Twilight’s eyes seem to have a gleam of hope sparkling from within.
“She used to be one of your friends, didn’t she?”
“Yes, and I miss the old her you know? I’d give anything to have her back. She used to be the pony that’d brighten up your day. I hate what she’s become, and I feel terrible because I can’t do anything to help,” And just like yesterday there’s the depression you’ve come to expect from Twilight. Should you take her advice?
Perhaps she’s on to something, Twilight seems confident you’ll succeed. Maybe if you forced yourself to stay with Pinkie and take her verbal abuse you could befriend her. After all you did have at least some effect on Twilight and you’ve only known her a day. That alone helps build confidence towards this particular goal. You could almost picture succeeding. All you had to do was go for it. Besides, this seems like it’d mean a lot to her if you could help one of her old friends. For Twilight, you’ll make an effort to befriend Pinkie. Like she said it’s a long shot, but what do you have to lose?
“You know what, I’ll do it. Or I’ll at least try.” As you unlock and open the door Twilight makes her way over to her shelves.
“Great! She’s probably at Sugarcube Corner,” she uses magic in order to levitate the book you were reading out of its spot.
“You mean that bakery you were telling me about yesterday, one of Ponyville’s main attractions or something?”
“Yup that’s the one, make a right outside and head straight down the path. You can’t miss it,” says Twilight, waving you off with a hoof as she does so. And with that you open the door, step outside in to the chaos that is Ponyville, and make your way in the direction Twilight said to go. You’re sure to shut the door behind you as you leave. The last thing you want is for some random pony to just waltz in to Twilight’s library without her permission. Without you there they’re liable to do anything, after all Twilight isn’t going to defend herself. She made that quite clear yesterday. You shake your head of those thoughts. She’ll be fine.
You need to focus on the task at hand. If you’re going to befriend someone like Pinkie you’re going to have to deploy something a little special. You remember a certain saying your mother used to tell you. A perfect tactic for someone like Pinkie Pie ’If someone’s being mean to you, kill them with kindness,’ Kindness for someone like Meanie Pie. You chuckle at the thought and the nickname.
Within no time at all you’re standing before the large gingerbread building known as Sugarcube Corner. It helps that your mind was preoccupied for the majority of your venture, though you did get a good look at the town of Ponyville. Just like Canterlot, Ponyville suffered the effects of Discord’s chaos. You weren’t surprised to find that there were only a dozen or so ponies out today. The ones that did see you didn’t really pay you any mind; after all there were weirder things to gawk at. It didn’t help that the same pink clouds from Canterlot are hovering around. Though you have to say you were quite relieved to find that the clouds rained down chocolate milk rather than excrement.
For example each structure around seemed to be in the shape of some sort of game piece. Dice, chess pieces, checkers, dominos and many others dotted the streets. Each ‘building’ seemed to have doors and windows etched into them, so at least they could still pass for shelter. But the entire town seemed ridiculous. You’re still wondering how Sugarcube Corner remained unaffected.
And not just the buildings, the grass and roads matched the oddity. Even the sky was affected, instead of a blue sky you were subjugated to a swirling mass of pink and white. The grass disappeared and in its place was flat marble like checkered patterns. The roads themselves were made entirely of poker cards. You recalled knocking a few up when you gave the road a practice kick. What time you didn’t spend looking around was spent dodging around rabbits with elongated legs and ballerina tutu wearing buffalos. Regardless you’re happy to know you’ve completed your journey, and along the way you’ve come up with no plans in order to get Pinkie to not hate you. It’s no big deal. You’ve come up with plans on the fly before.
“Well here goes nothing.” You bend down and open the door to Sugarcube Corner. Despite squatting down you still manage to smack your head upon the door frame. You rub your now sore forehead letting a curse slip as you do so. The size difference is astounding, yet another thing you’re going to have to get used to if you intend to integrate. When you feel you’ve done enough rubbing you take a quick look around the homely little establishment. The display case in front of the register catches your eye, more like gets your attention, your undivided attention.
You slink over to the display case and marvel at the various amounts of cakes, cupcakes, doughnuts, cream filled goodies, and the like. Your mouth begins to water when you cast a glance over a chocolate sprinkled doughnut. You have half a mind to buy something, but unfortunately you’re broke. Last time you checked you have no bits. You frown when you open your wallet to find that you’ve only got a couple bills. There’s probably no chance that they’ll accept your money. As your hopeful mood becomes ruined at this turn of events you hear a pony clear their throat.
This tears your attention away from the delicious goodies on display. “Oh, sorry,” You look up to find a light blue mare with a magenta, or is it a two tone maroon… you can’t really peg the mane and tail color on this one. Though judging by her older appearance, tired eyes, and rather large figure you imagine this mare to be close to your parent’s age.
“May I help you… whatever you are?” She asks from behind the register.
“I’m a Human and yes, I’m here to see Pinkie Pie,” You lean over the counter and smile politely, “she wouldn’t happen to be here today would she?” She seems to be mulling over your title.
“Hoo-man, never heard of you,” she turns and points to a set of wooden double doors behind her, “yes Pinkie’s in there, but I doubt you want to see her. She isn’t herself,” Judging by the tiles you see from under the doors you believe that to be the kitchen. You wouldn’t really peg Pinkie Pie as a baking type, then again, you don’t know her at all so who are you to make any sort of assumption?
“Yeah I noticed. She came by Twilight’s earlier and she wasn’t exactly friendly.” You tell the mare about Pinkie meeting you for the first time. She seems sympathetic.
“Oh dear. I’m sorry she was like that, she usually loves meeting new ponies-er people,” She grins awkwardly before giving you another look over, “you know you don’t look all that strange, sure I’ve never seen anything like you, but at least you aren’t like one of those things outside,” She points to the front door right when the long legged bunnies come stampeding by. Yeah you agree, the entire town is filled with out of the ordinary things, aside from pastel colored talking ponies of course. You chuckle when you actually consider the alien ponies to be normal.
“Well thanks for not calling me a freak or ugly, you’re a lot nicer than Pinkie…or Fluttershy,” you say before the sound of a pan hitting the floor turns your attention towards the kitchen. The beautiful, honey laced voice of Pinkie Pie graces your ears.
“You think that’s funny Gummy?! I’ll show you funny!” Suddenly a baby alligator flies through the double doors, landing belly first on your face. Considering it seems harmless you don’t immediately freak out and start running around. Instead you pry the reptile off of your face. You hold him by the scruff of his neck and look it face to face. It smiles at you, not a single tooth can be seen in that pink maw of his. That confirms that this little creature poses no threat to you.
After setting Gummy down on the counter you ask, “Mind if I go back there and talk to Pinkie, misses…?” You weren’t expecting the answer she gives you.
She finishes for you, “Cup Cake, and yes you may. It’s a long shot but maybe you can say or do something that can help her. Poor dear is just so rotten now…” You’re honestly surprised by how willing Mrs. Cake was. Were she a human there was a good chance she would have ran you out of her store rather than take a complete stranger’s help. This mare must have very little cynicism to allow something like this. She hasn’t even cast a single glance of suspicion your way. You’re definitely not used to something like this.
“Thank you I’ll see what I can do. Oh where are my manners, I’m Anonymous,” You extend your hand. It takes Mrs. Cake a moment before she brings her hoof to it.
“Oh, you must forgive me. It’s been a while since I’ve used that greeting. There hasn’t been a gryphon or minotaur in town for quite some time.” With a quick thank you, you make your way past Mrs. Cake and in to the kitchen. You find Pinkie hard at work cleaning up a rather large mess. There is flour, pans, trays, milk, and other items littering the floor. You’re reluctant to step any further lest you get your shoes covered in baked ingredients. Pinkie freezes while picking up a pan when she hears you step in.
She turns to you with a malicious glare, “What are YOU doing here?” Her sudden screaming causes you take a few cautious steps back, “I thought I made it clear that I hate your guts!” At this point your mind is in a million places at once. You’re not used to being put on the spot like this, and the way she’s holding that pan does little to calm your nerves.
“Uh… Well… I thought you could use some help?” You answer in the form of a question rather than a statement. Pinkie doesn’t believe that for a second and you know it.
“Oh really? Why don’t I believe you?” she eyes you suspiciously, like she’s just looking to see if you’re lying. Befriending Pinkie is starting to seem less likely by the second. You only have one real shot at this, so you might as well build off what you’ve already laid out.
“It’s the truth Pinkie, this is a big mess for one pony to clean. Let me give you a hand. Maybe you won’t hate me so much afterwards.” And just like that your plan seems to be in shambles.
”I see what you’re trying to do alien, you’re trying to make me be your friend, well I’m not interested!” Pinkie shouts before shoving you out of the double doors. You manage to maintain your balance. She’s unbelievably strong. When Pinkie closes the doors behind her you turn to Mrs. Cake who merely shrugs.
“I guess she’s just, well, her,” While her dejected tone would probably put down an average person it does nothing to deter you. What she doesn’t seem to know, is that you don’t give up easily. Well starting now you don’t. You make your way back in to the double doors and find that Pinkie’s still working on cleaning up. With her back turned she’s not paying any attention to you.
“Stupid alien, trying to be nice, who does he think he is!” It’s a good thing this mare talks to herself, or else she’d of heard you come back in. You can ignore the implications doing that brings. While she rants about how stupid you are to no one in particular you grab a nearby broom and dustpan. After that you get to work sweeping up what you can. When she stops she turns to the sound of the broom to see you at work. You’re too busy sweeping to notice her approach you. She knocks the broom out of your hands.
“I told you I wasn’t interested! Get out!” She growls at the end of her order. You put a hand to your chin in mock thought.
“Hmm, nah.” You pick up the broom and go back to sweeping. Pinkie grits her teeth before shoving you. You move back a few feet, at first you feel as though you’ll fall, but you’re able to keep your balance and remain standing. You walk back over to where you were and keep sweeping. You intend to ignore the mare and hope that she’ll simply shut her mouth and let you do your thing.
“You’re not going to make me stop that easily. Just give up and let me help you,” You don’t even bother to look up from your work as you speak.
Pinkie seems to have blown a fuse and her rage only gets worse, “Oh really?! Fine! You want to clean up a mess? I’ll give you such a doozie of a mess you’ll stop right now!” And with that she leaps into a set of cupboards. Within a minute the entire kitchen, and you, are covered in chocolate syrup, sugar, baking powder, cookie dough, ice cream, and other assorted items. You cough out a small cloud of flour dust. Your clothes are ruined now.
“Well? Bet you regret saying that huh?” Pinkie gives you an evil grin of triumph. Every single fiber of your being is begging you to tear this pony limb from limb. You visibly begin to sweat, your face heats up with anger. The only thing holding you back is the broom you’re gripping. Yet despite all of this you’re able to maintain a somewhat neutral expression. After a minute of fighting yourself internally you take deep, calming breaths, once the heat from within finally dies down you find yourself able to speak again.
You shrug, “Whatever, it’s not like I had anything to do anyway.” You walk past Pinkie Pie and make your way over to the nearby sink. If these ponies have electricity to keep the lights running then maybe they’ll have some cleaner. Judging by the equipment in Twilight’s basement there’s a distinct possibility. As you rummage through the cupboards you glance over Pinkie to see her jaw nearly hitting the floor in shock. It’s obvious she really wasn’t expecting that for an answer. As you sift through the lower cabinets you turn your head to her.
“You gonna help me or what? You’ll just get in my way if you stand there. Besides, if Mrs. Cake comes in and sees this I’m sure you’ll be out of a job,” Pinkie tries to speak but no words come. You’ve got her and she knows it. Even though you’ve just agreed to do a job that would take three to four people to clean. Just keep that anger of yours in check, you can complain about it after you’re done. Pinkie seems to be sputtering, trying to come up with some feasible excuse.
“Wha, uh, but…,” Pinkie lets out a growl before storming out of the kitchen, “You’re so stupid!” is her parting words. You listen as her hoof steps echo up a set of stairs. When you believe you’re finally alone the situation dawns on you. Knowing that your entire day is done over an angry mare causes your rage to boil over, just a tad. You pick up a dirty pot and sling it in to the nearby fridge. It makes a satisfying clang upon when it hits. The impact leaves it dented and unusable.
“Whoops,” you shrug while struggling to keep your voice level. All you have to do is remain calm and work, that’s it. You managed to find some cleaner, a mop and bucket from a nearby supply closet, and more rags than you know what to do with. There’s a good chance you might not be able to clean up every single speck, but at least you’ll be able to do something.
As you’re cleaning up the mess you wonder how it is Mrs. Cake didn’t hear a single bit of what happened. You look under the double doors and see that she’s no longer standing at the register. As far as you know she probably went out on break when everything went down. With that little mystery solved you can fully focus on the task at hand.
Within the first hour of cleaning you’re making hardly any time at all, you’re not the best when it comes to heavy cleaning. As you’re taking care of a section next to the fridge you hear the stomping of hooves as Pinkie comes back down the stairs. The double doors burst open to reveal none other than Pinkie. She looks around the kitchen for a few moments and scoffs.
“You’re still here? I’d of been done in five minutes! You’re terrible at this Anon,” It looks like she won’t stop being rude anytime soon, though one question plagues your thoughts.
“How do you know my name? I never told you what it was.” You state as you continue to clean, not bothering to look over to the mare.
“I heard your stupid mouth when you were talking to Mrs. Cake, duh!” And that’s yet another mystery solved for today.
“Interesting, where is Mrs. Cake anyway?” You start scrubbing a section of the floor. Thankfully there was a brush with the mop and bucket so you’re actually able to make some leeway.
“She went to the market, won’t be back until tonight,” You’re surprised that there wasn’t an insult or yelling behind that explanation, “why do you care anyway, you stupid alien?” You sigh before shaking your head. “What?” You knew it was too good to be true. You point towards the doors.
“Leave, you’re annoying. Let me clean up the mess YOU made so I can get back to doing nothing,” You vigorously scrub a stain on the linoleum in order to keep from really lashing out at Pinkie. One wrong move and you’ll kiss your opportunity goodbye.
“I’m not the annoying one, you are. You won’t leave!” Pinkie retorts, you can feel your breaking point readily approaching. Your last ditch effort is to just ignore her entirely. This is the last little strategy you can use in hopes of keeping yourself together. Pinkie continues to talk, but you’ve managed to tune her out. Her words come out as garble as you keep at your work. When Pinkie realizes she’s unable to do anything to annoy you now she really gets mad.
She’s about to strike you with a hoof, but another thought comes to mind. She smiles deviously, “by the way you missed a spot,” you hear something large creak before slamming to the ground with a resounding thud.
You turn around to see a series of shelves in the floor, and there are more ingredients all over the area. She undid the work you’ve done and then some. Red bleeds into your vision as anger overtakes you. Like a poison it seeps through your nervous system, slowly numbing you starting from your very core, all the way to the edge of your finger tips and toes. Your adrenaline causes your heart to beat at a rapid pace giving you a feeling of light headedness.
“Yeah and this spot too!” You grab the bucket you were using and toss it at the counter. The dirty water from within coats the mess you’ve yet to sanitize. As soon as it hits you reach down and pick up the mop. When your grip tightens upon the shaft you swing it like a bat, shattering the dishes left to dry. You yell as you continue to slam the mop on the counter top until it snaps in half. You toss the piece still in your hand at a nearby wall.
A few minutes pass as you spread the mess around, all the while Pinkie sits there with a smug grin on her face. Every time you kick up more confectionary items she giggles. After an unknown amount of time passes you finally feel yourself starting to cool down. It helps that you’ve run yourself ragged from throwing things and breaking objects. When you throw your last pile of powdered sugar you sit in the floor and catch your breath. You take this time to look over the damage you’ve done.
The kitchen has become a warzone. You feel that is a good summary for what you’ve done. While Pinkie’s stuns left only the floor a mess, you took it an extra step further. Broken dishes lay scattered about the floor and counter tops. Holes dot the walls from where you struck them, broken pieces of wood from both cupboard doors and the broken mop dot the floors, and every single inch of the kitchen has some sort of sugar, flour, chocolate powder, or something similar coating it. Fixing this in hours would be a miracle. Mrs. Cake would be lucky if she could fix all of this within a week.
You whimper when you realize the gravity of your situation. That mare placed her trust in you, a total stranger, and you blew it. You’re not helping anyone like this. This is the result of you losing control. You should have kept your cool and ignored her to start with. You shouldn’t have freaked out like you did. If you didn’t then all this damage could have been avoided. Coming here was a mistake, now who knows how long you’ll have to work in order to fix this. Will you even be able to get a job? Who would hire an alien like you? What do you have to offer?
You place your head in your hands and rock back and forth. You promised yourself you’d never get like this again, not after what happened a year ago. Thoughts of your sister plague your mind, this situation and the one from back then are so similar. Thinking about what happened only causes you to rock faster than before. As you’re having your breakdown Pinkie’s smile slowly drops from her face. She thought she would have fun watching you get mad, and at first she did. To her it was the most hilarious thing she’d seen in a long time, but the end result isn’t as fun as she’d want it to be. Pangs of guilt well from within as she watches you. She can’t believe she feels bad about what she made you do, and that she’s actually considering giving you a helping hoof. She growls softly before shaking her head, and then she gets to her hooves and trots over to you.
The sound of her approaching momentarily stops your rocking. You turn to Pinkie when she’s no more than a foot away. With her being so close you’re expecting her to make things worse. You expect her to tell you that she’s going to tell Mrs. Cake about what you’ve done.
“Pinkie I swear if-” You stop, shocked at what you see. Pinkie moves past you and grabs the lower half of the mop.
“You’re taking too long. If Mrs. Cake comes in and sees this I’ll be in big trouble.” As you sit there, not believing what you’re seeing, Pinkie gets to work. She moves over the mound of ingredients and takes the overturned bucket. Within a few minutes she’s mopping the floor as if nothing happened. You sit there, shocked at what you’re seeing. After all the hell she’s managed to put you through she’s helping you? There has to be something up, you’re half expecting her to turn around and throw the mop at you, or to somehow make this whole situation worse. When she doesn’t you find yourself unable to believe what you’re seeing.
After a minute or two Pinkie turns to look at you, “Are you gonna help me or are you gonna sit there and be useless?” You snap out of your trace and get to your feet. You find it best not to look a gift horse in the mouth. If Pinkie is seriously looking to help, you’re going to need it.
Many hours pass and the majority of the kitchen is done. You look out of the nearby window to see the sun setting in the distance. The job has become a race against time. You don’t know what it is with Pinkie, but she’s able to clean at a must faster rate than you. Or maybe it’s just going by faster now that you have some help. Either way you’re glad that you’re actually making progress with this job. Just a bit more chocolate and sugar and you’ll be done with this portion of the kitchen. As you work you’re suddenly knocked off balance when you feel a bunch of sugar smack in to your back.
“Hurry up Anon you’re taking forever. I’m doing everything and you’re just sitting there doing nothing!” You turn and see she’s giving you an evil grin. She blows raspberries before getting back to work, you’ve had it. While Pinkie isn’t looking you pick up a pile of chocolate powder and toss it at her. It hits her and gets stuck in her curls. She stops in mid wipe of a mess and looks up at you. You can see the rage behind her blank stare.
You smirk, “Can’t take your own medicine?” You chuckle when bits of chocolate powder falls out of her mane. Before you can react Pinkie picks up a pile of sugar and throws it at you, smacking you in the center of your chest.
“Ha, I got you!” She cackles as you wipe away the new layer of powder. For a moment you’re able to see that she’s virtually ruined your clothes. You’re going to definitely need a washer and dryer after this, but for now you must have your revenge. You reach out and grab handfuls of flour, you toss them at Pinkie, and in the end she’s unable to dodge. Her face becomes covered in the powdery substance. She returns fire with chocolate powder. Let the war commence…
“Raaaaah!” You hurl handfuls of flour and sugar, pelting Pinkie in the process. Her entire body reflects your clothing now. The only grey that can be seen is in her mane, eyes and tail, everything else has been artificially colored.
“I’ll get your for that!” She shouts before returning fire. This confectionery fight has gone on for a good hour, both of you are covered in head to toe. The kitchen is right back to its messy state. Neither of you seem to care. While Pinkie has been infuriating you have to say this has been quite a fun time for you. You’re reluctant to see it end, but unfortunately after you threw that last batch you’ve become spent. You’re on your knees panting, trying to catch your breath. Pinkie is sitting on her haunches doing the same thing.
Suddenly, “Ah… Aaah…. Aaaaaaaaaahchoo…” Pinkie sneezes. Your eyes widen as you’re pelted with confetti and streamers. The only thing you can think of to do at this point is to wipe your face of the offending party items. You don’t know why you did what you did next, perhaps it was her surprised expression, perhaps it was the way she scrunched her snout. But whatever it was, you found it hilarious. So much so that you start laughing, low and quiet at first, but it quickly builds in to hysterics. You hold your stomach before rolling on to your back. Your laughter echoes through the kitchen.
Pinkie doesn’t seem amused, “What’s so funny?” Hatred poured from her voice. She obviously doesn’t like your laughter, but you can’t find a reason to care. So you keep on doing what you’re doing.
You weakly point her way, “You! You look so crazy!” Pinkie narrows her eyes before looking at her reflection in the somehow clean fridge. When your laughter dies down a bit you’re able to look up. You see her eyeing her reflection. Her lips start to quiver the longer she looks. Now she’s smiling, and soon, like you, she bursts out in to fits of laughter. She joins you in your spot in the floor.
“Oh my goodness, you’re right, I look ridiculous!” The two of you roll on the floor giggling for a good ten minutes before either of you can manage to say anything. Whatever horrid feelings either of you had for the other seems to melt away. Your jovial feelings are more than enough to make that happen.
“I really needed that,” You’re holding your now aching stomach.
”Ditto,” Pinkie wipes a tear away from her eye. You look her over and see a completely different mare than what you saw this morning. Plus the area she’s wiped reveals her coat to be pink? And her eyes seem to be a sparkling sky blue. If her fur is a different color maybe that means her disposition has changed as well? There is only one way to find out.
“Hey Pinkie?” You sit up and cross your legs in order to get into a more comfortable position.
“Yeeees Anon?” She bats her eyelashes. It’s as if her personality has flipped.
“Do you still hate me?”
Pinkie puts a hoof under her chin in mock thought before leaping in to your chest. You let out a whoosh of air before the weight puts you on to your back. Pinkie sits on your chest, a big smile plastered on her face. When she wraps you up in a tight hug you’re given her answer without her having to say it. She still does anyway.
“You helped clean the kitchen when I was being mean and nasty. Then you got into a super fun food fight with me,” she explains her reasoning as though it were supposed to be obvious, “how can I hate you silly?” Pinkie asks before looking over you as if you were crazy. You have no idea how you managed to do it, but you believe you’ve made a new friend… and despite her being rude to you in the beginning you couldn’t be happier.
“Well, that’s nice to know Pinkie, but I have to ask you another question.”
“What question is that Anon?”
You point past her, “What did I clean?” Pinkie looks around the kitchen before giggling nervously.
“Oopsie?” is Pinkie’s only response.
”When will Mrs. Cake be home?” Pinkie gasps in horror before pulling your face close to hers. Her eyes reveal panic.
“Ohmygoshshe’sgonnabehomeanyminute!” Pinkie exclaims, suddenly she’s nothing more than a Pink blur as she moves around the kitchen at high speeds. Within a minute the entire kitchen is spotless and the damage has been undone. When she comes to a halt you find a hammer in her maw. How she managed to pull that off within a few seconds is beyond your understanding. You decide not to question the antics of this new and improved Pinkie Pie.
Almost as if on cue you hear the double doors to the kitchen open to reveal none other than Mrs. Cake. When you stand she looks over how dirty the two of you are, and then she looks around the now clean kitchen. Then she sees the hammer in Pinkie’s mouth. Pinkie’s eyes widen when Mrs. Cake’s eyebrow rises. Without putting any thought into it she swallows the hammer and gives Mrs. Cake an innocent grin.
“Pinkie, did you just… never mind,” she turns your way before adding, “let me guess, the two of you made this kitchen a complete wreck, then Pinkie here cleaned it up in like a minute, didn’t she?”
“Yup,” you and Pinkie say in unison, she giggles at the end. Mrs. Cake’s eyes widen and her jaw hangs loose.
“What?” Mrs. Cake turns from you to Pinkie, then back to you, “Did you really?” She turns away from you and quickly approaches Pinkie. With a swipe of her hoof she reveals Pinkie’s pink coat from underneath the large amount of flour. Mrs. Cake gasps, “Pinkie, you’re…you’re Pink again!” she exclaims.
“Yes indeedie, I can’t believe I was gray in the first place! Can you believe it?!” Pinkie asks before shooting Mrs. Cake a smile. She seems at a loss for words.
She looks to you before asking, “Did…did you?” you nod.
“Yes, it was a bit of trouble, but she’s back to her old self. Well old for you, new for me.” Mrs. Cake wraps you up in a hug even tighter than Pinkie’s . You find it nearly impossible to breathe.
“You did it! I just knew you would! I could tell!” You can’t respond, you’re too busy gasping for air and your back feels like it’ll snap from the pressure. Thankfully Pinkie notices, she taps Mrs. Cake in order to get her attention.
“Um, Mrs. Cake, I don’t think Anon can breathe,” She points to you and Mrs. Cake finally realizes your face has started turning blue.
“Oh! Oh my, sorry!” She releases you from her death grip. That finally allows you take in a few good lungful’s of air.
“AIR, PRECIOUS AIR!” You’re a little overenthusiastic about it, but you feel that it was necessary. After your little spectacle Pinkie loses it a second time today. Apparently she finds you and your need to breathe hilarious, and Mrs. Cake actually joins in on the laughter. You have to say, this day turned out to be a lot better than what you thought. As it turns out, it was a lot easier to make a new friend then you thought. All you needed was a bit of patience. Today’s little lesson is something you’ll carry with you in case you run into a similar problem in the future. You have to say, seeing Pinkie’s smiling face made the abuse you took worth it, well almost.
After a few minutes Mrs. Cake looks over her now dirty apron, “Anonymous, you and Pinkie could use a bath,”
“You don’t say.” Your sarcasm earns another giggle from the Pink Pony.
“You’re more than welcome to use our bath, but it might be a little small,” She looks you over, really getting in your height. You take this time to look over yourself, there is no way in Twilight is letting you back in to her housebrary covered in this stuff. You just hope pony tubs aren’t too small.
“Thanks, I think I’ll take you up on that offer,” you say before making your way to the double doors, Pinkie hops along next to you. “Hey Mrs. Cake, where is your bathroom anyway?”
“I’ll show you,” Pinkie Pie answers cheerfully, as soon as the two of you make your way back to the ground floor of Sugarcube Corner Pinkie points to a set of stairs leading up. “Up here,” she starts bouncing up each step. You follow behind in silence, when the two of you hit the top she leads you down a narrow hallway with various doors along the walls. You assume that the second floor acts as a sort of home for these particular ponies. At the end of the hall is the bathroom, she opens the door for you and you step inside.
You can immediately tell that this is nowhere near the size of your bathroom, but the homely appearance is quite refreshing. The pink cupcake wall paper attests to that. Pinkie flicks on the light and shuts the door behind her as she steps in with you. Unfortunately the tub is tiny compared to you, if you get in your legs will be protruding over the sides. Pinkie seems to notice this fact as well.
“Don’t worry Anon, I’ve got an idea,” she says before approaching the tub. By means nothing living should be capable of doing she elongates the tub by stretching it. It’s now nearly twice the size of your bathroom’s tub.
“Pinkie? H-how did-” you’re cut off.
“Magic,” Pinkie answers.
“But you’re not-”
“Magic, Anon.” She doesn’t seem like she’ll divulge past that answer. Before you can ask again Pinkie turns the knobs and the water begins to fill the new, now huge tub. It takes a few minutes but the warm waters and steam start to seem really inviting right about now. Before you can remove your clothes and step in Pinkie leaps in to the tub, sending water everywhere. You’re now a drenched, dirty mess. Pinkie’s head emerges from the tub, somehow completely clean. This will probably the last time you’ll get to see Pinkie’s mane as it is right now, straight and tame. That’s not a bad look. In fact it makes her look a lot less like a wild mess.
“I guess you’re taking one first, then. I’ll leave you to it.”
“See ya Anon,” she waves goodbye as you step back out into the hallway. With nothing else to do you sit outside and wait, and wait, and wait some more. After thirty minutes or so Pinkie comes walking out of the bathroom wrapped in a few towels.
”Your turn Anon,” She points back into the bathroom before trotting past you and out of sight. You get to your feet and walk inside to find that Pinkie has already drawn your bath for you. You make a mental note to thank Pinkie before you leave tonight. As you close the door and start stripping you take a look out of a nearby window.
“Damn! It’s night already?” You need to hurry up and get home to Twilight. She’s probably worried about you, and you definitely didn’t expect to be gone for the entire day. You hastily step in to the hot water of the tub and curse. You didn’t give your body time to get used to it and now every part of your skin is feels like its burning. When your body finally does the thought of hurrying back to Twilight is quiet low on your priority list. As the hot water starts to relax you, you sigh happily before leaning back against the tub.
As the water works its magic on your muscles you close your eyes and soak for a little while, allowing your mind to wander. Two days have come and passed since you’ve arrived and already you’ve managed to make two new friends. You could never hope to accomplish this back on Earth. To you it seemed like everyone there had an ulterior motive. Those that were friendly towards you had probably thought they could get something out of you. When they found that out, they were anything but friendly. You could get used to how these ponies seem to carry themselves.
And if you decided you were going to include Discord and his daughters that’d make five. You have to admit that even though you’re still adjusting to your new surroundings you have to say this is a lot better than what you were doing prior. Going to work every day, then sleeping in some crummy apartment? Discord saved you from that in the most unorthodox manner he could think of.
But a few questions came to mind. Why did he choose you? Why does he want you to make friends? What does Discord have to gain from you making friends? He doesn’t come off as much of a nice guy, there has to be a reason. With you contemplating your position you’re too out of focus. You don’t notice the door opening, nor do you notice a certain Pink mare slink in to the tub without a sound. You’re none the wiser as she swims under the water and right up to you. When she’s just a few inches away from your closed eyes she produces a rubber duck from under the water. She holds the duck right at your nose. Suddenly, a shrill squeak brings you back to reality. You open your eyes to see a yellow duck in your field of vision.
“HI!” Pinkie half shouts before taking away the duck and giving you a smile. You have to admit your reaction wasn’t the best one. You let out a yelp before quickly curling up in to a ball. Pinkie moves away from you laughing incessantly as she does so. “Oh man you shoulda seen the look on your face Anon!” When you relax and stretch out as you were, she settles into the same posture as yours on the other side of the tub.
“What are you doing in here Pinkie?!” You bring your hands over your crotch.
”What? I figured you’d want some company,” This mare is either clueless or she was sheltered as a foal. This is not normal for you, but then again pastel colored world of ponies. You shouldn’t have to remind yourself of that every single time something odd happens.
”Pinkie, I just met you today, you shouldn’t be in the bath with me,” Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe how you’re feeling right now.
“Is it because you’re naked Anon? Oh come on, don’t be a baby. Everypony’s naked.” You’ve already realized that, but nudity is only half of the problem.
“No, it’s because I’m a damn GUY that’s naked.” Maybe she’ll understand when you put it in that sort of context.
“Soooo, what’s the problem?” You groan before face palming, you’re thankful she’s this innocent. It doesn’t take long for you to stop covering yourself. Even if she did understand what you were getting at it’s not as if she’s a human or you’re a pony. The species barrier prevents that from mattering anyway. That realization finally gets you to relax.
”There isn’t one.”
“Good.” With that little portion out of the way Pinkie opens the flood gates. It’s almost as if she’s trying to catch you up to speed with everything so you can be her ‘Super Bestest Alien Friend.’ She tells you about her past, how she got her cutie mark, how she lived on her rock farm, and pretty much how things were before Discord. She even turned around and showed you her cutie mark now that it had its color. Thankfully she kept her tail lowered so you were subjugated to those other bits.
You in turn tell her about your life on earth, how boring it was, and how it was living in a bad part of the city. In all actuality you give her the same song and dance you gave Twilight. Though she doesn’t ask in depth questions like Twilight did. She didn’t seem interested with how things worked, rather she seemed interested in how you lived.
She asks about how humans know what their special talents are, and you in turn explain that any sort of special talent a human learns is the result of practice and interest. A human could be good at anything they wanted. She seemed to love that concept, the ability to do whatever you wanted instead of what you were ‘destined’ to do seemed to be a much better option than sticking to a single talent. She wasn’t saying she didn’t like bringing joy to others oh no, it’s just some ponies apparently get the short end of the stick when it comes to special talents…
When you realize you’ve spent a great amount of time talking to your new friend you hurriedly scrub yourself in order to finish your bath. Unfortunately when you’re done you realize you have nothing to get dressed with. Your clothes are still completely dirty. You groan before getting out of the bath and wrapping yourself up in a towel, looks like everyone’s going to get a good look at your ass on the way back to Twilight’s. Oh well, ponies are naked anyway. What are they going to do have you arrested for public indecency? As you dry off Pinkie drains the water from the tub.
”Well that was nice, Anon.” That smile has yet to leave her face, same could be said of that little spark of life that seems to flash in her sky blue eyes. While she seems to speak a mile a minute, and even though she has a tendency to go off on a tangent, her personality more than makes up for it. You can see yourself becoming great friends with this party pony.
“I agree. Can I borrow the towel, Pinkie? I really don’t want to walk back to Twilight’s naked.” You wrap the towel tightly around your waist.
“Okie Dokie Lokie! Just remember to bring it back.” You nod letting her know you understand.
“Thanks Pinkie I’ll be sure to return it, and thanks for having the tub ready for me.” You start gathering your clothes now that the towel is secure. As you turn to leave the bathroom you feel Pinkie hug your waist from the left side.
“Thanks for helping me today Anon… I’m really happy you put up with me.” You find yourself leaning down and rustling her curly mane.
”You’re welcome. It’s great to be here. It’s just… a little…” she finishes for you.
“Crazy, random, funny looking?” You nod, “yeah Discord messed this place up pretty good, sure it was fun at first, but it's been going on too long.” You’re inclined to agree. The town is one giant eyesore to you. Though you have to say it’s an upgrade from what you had prior.
“That may be, but I can tell you one thing, this place is better than Earth.” And with that she stops hugging you. As you descend the stairs you find a brown paper bag sitting on the center of one of the tables. Upon closer inspect you find that it says ‘To Anonymous’ on the front of it.With curiosity guiding your actions you walk over and open the bag to find three cupcakes covered with blue frosting and sprinkles.
”When you went to wash up I got hungry and made some cupcakes. Then I thought you were probably hungry too so I saved some for you.” Your stomach rumbles, eagerly waiting to consume the treats that lay within the bag. The noise causes Pinkie to giggle.
“Awesome, thanks Pinkie.” You say before grabbing hold of the bag.
“You’re welcome! Goodbye and goodnight Anon,” Pinkie says before waving you goodbye. With a quick wave in return you turn your back to Pinkie, open the door, and step in to the moonlight chaotic streets of Ponyville.