Becoming Fluttershy

by Hope


chapter 40. Insomnia

I watch her leave and sigh, staring off at a wall blankly. I have had bad relationships before, crippling ones. I had a good one too, one that fell apart because I have... Or "had" so many self image issues, that I could not give what my partner wanted.

Now half of me looks at all that in confusion, but I understand it. Pinkie is everything I have looked for in the past. Decidedly optimistic, forgiving, caring, or am I simply compiling a list of things that happen to match up?

Pinkie is right, that a failed relationship between two of the elements could be catastrophic. But if it worked...

I put it out of my mind and move quietly back to the work I had been in the middle of, and resume the small and precise stitches across the fabric edge.

“Uh--Yeah, I have Tin foil, but... I don't think that would work--” Jackie objects.

“Yeah that's cause you're human. If you're a pony or a time lord it works fine. Right Shy?” The pink pony turns to me with a steady smile.

I smile back. “Yeah, some tin foil and the magic of friendship.”

Jackie raises an eyebrow. “I... seriously doubt it works like that.”

“And that's exactly why you're not me.” Pinkie retorts.

Jackie doesn’t seem impressed. “...what?”

“Okay, this is like the parasprites. I need a tin foil hat, preferably with antenna. I don't care about quality, but I need it in the next... oh... ten, twenty minutes?” Reid instructs.

“...what?” Jackie repeats.

“I would recommend just trusting her this time.” I pipe up from the corner.

“...Alright, but I want an explanation. A real one.” She says as she starts folding tin foil into a pointed triangular hat.

Reid looks confused. “What do you mean? I said I wanted--”

“Yeah, I've been traveling with you for a while Reid, and your randomness is the kind without a point. When things have a point you aren't random.” Jackie says.

“It’s a theory Jackie... One that needs to be tested before it is explained. If we explain it now... It'd be bad. Tomorrow okay?” I plead as I continue stitching.

“Very well, darling. Here is your... hat.” She hands the tin foil over and Reid takes it in hoof.

“Thank you. Really. And now... TO NAP!” She turns and walks back into the other room to go to bed. I am envious, as I feel pretty tired as well.

“I hope it works!” I call out to her and giggle a bit before setting aside the finished piece to pick up the next.

“...Okay seriously, what?” Jackie says. “And was his mane straight?”

“Tomorrow. We will worry about all of that tomorrow.” I say, as much to reassure myself as her.

“....alright. You might be interested to know you're working on your own costume for tomorrow.”

“Oh?” I examine the black lace and blush, being reminded of frilly things from Rarity’s shop, and sadly of nothing but lingerie from earth. Though with the second layer of fabric it looks quite elegant. I drape it over my back to check the fit. “Its so nice, did the material cost much?”

Jackie chuckles. “Don't worry about price. I learned long ago how to hunt for bargains and, well...” She gestures to herself with both hands. “Male suppliers.”

“Oh!” I laugh. “You seduce your suppliers? Naughty Jackie!” I admonish her.

“Well, usually I just tease but a few, yes. That silk actually came from one of my more stable relationships, we meet up once every two months.”

“Well that's nice....” I am not sure how to react to relationships being used to supply materials. So I take the piece of fabric off and resume my work. “So... I don't really know you that well, tell me about yourself.”

“What's there to tell? I grew up as the rich girl in a small town. I learned how to make costumes when I decided to become a fashion designer, and learned to make friends when I realized that my ego was the reason I was so lonely.” She finishes adjusting the Aragorn outfit on the makeshift dummy. “Now, Linda... she's had an interesting life, and that was LONG before the pony thing.”

I nod to let her know I am still listening as I stitch.

“See, she used to have a little brother. He... well, her father was a bit of an alcoholic, he was seven months old, and the old man didn't look out the rear window before backing out of the driveway...” She sighs. “That was thirty two years ago. She was five and her sister was six. The worst part was that their mother just forgave the man, can you believe it? So of course the girls ran away.”

“That's terrible... How did they survive on their own?” I ask curiously,

“Well, it was a small town, and back then it was... well, more hospitable to homeless children. They couldn't get jobs, of course, child labor laws got in the way, but Irene--Linda's sister--well, she was talented with art, took commissions and sold them. That's how I first met her, actually, standing outside the school with a sketchpad after hours. She asked if I could model for her. Of course the police were quick to put them in a foster home, but... well, the people running that home were a bit oblivious. Loving, but oblivious.”

“Thank Celestia they found a home...” I say sadly. “So being on this trip isn't causing some terrible disaster with anyone?”

“...well... Irene's been confined to the house for months now. She had.... you know, maybe I shouldn't be talking about this.” Jackie cuts herself off.

“I'm so sorry I didn't mean to pry, what else can we talk about?” I say, desperate not to make anyone upset.

“I don't know... Well, I suppose we could talk about you. The, um, human you, not... We're going to have to invent new pronouns, aren't we?”

“Erica is fine. Well, I was born in nebraska, moved to kansas when I was four, moved to hawaii when I was ten, then when I was 18 my mother told me pretty much that they would get me to arizona then if I came back home I could sleep in a tent in the yard. That was a bit of a motivation not to have to go back. Then again I'm comparing this on the other side to not having parents at all, it really wasn't that bad.” I point out, realizing how much my parents really did for me, despite all my reservations and tendency to being upset about it.

“I take it your parents were one of those... high hopes, high expectations kind?” She asks.

“Well... I was diagnosed high functioning autistic at the age of 8, and my mom used that as a sort of excuse as to why I acted the way I did, any sign of rambunctiousness or disobedience was because I wasn't taking my pills. I never went to college because my mother said it would be a waste of time, and she might have been right.... It took a lot of learning to get where I am now, and not school learning. Sink or swim learning.” I finish the bit I am working on and sigh. “My dad and mom did their best. They were only human.” I think about what I said and giggle.

“Mmm. Irene was... is, autistic. Sorry. Not high functioning though. Very quiet, always... humming.” She smiles. “She'd notice things, though. Ladybugs on the wall. She'd see when her sister was sad.... none of us can actually tell when Linda is sad, do you know that?”

“Probably because she tried even harder not to let it show through. She's had to be the one in charge the whole time, hasn't she?” I ask, remembering my own lessons in emotional control when I started living on my own.

“Maybe. She led by example. That's... why she became a lawyer. So she could avoid anything like... her brother happening again. Prevent it, even, and help others out. Heh, and they say lawyers have no hearts...”

I immediately recall a few lawyer jokes. “Well she is very nice, and maybe Cadance will give her the calm and love she needs.”

“....maybe. Just... out of curiosity, besides the whole sun and moon thing... are there any special abilities Alicorns are supposed to have? Anything new and exciting for Linda to look forward to?” She asks with a giggle.

I ponder it for a bit, trying to remember lessons I sat through as a filly. “She has the power to cause love, and to mend relationships. Besides that she can fly, use unicorn magic, and probably live to be several hundred years old. Usually alicorns are said to be more mentally stable as well.” I point out.

“I see.” She says with an unreadable expression.

“...Well now! I'll admit I haven't designed for wings before, for rather obvious reasons. Still, I think that I've done a fairly good job of it. I'm still not sure about the skirt though, I suspect you don't want to be accidentally flashing everyone in midair.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “That's why I've got a tail, but a skirt would be nice, as long as it isn't long enough to trip on.”

“Well, the skirt is an essential part of the lace fairy costume! How many fairies do you know that don't wear skirts?” She asks incredulously.

“I dunno.” I shrug, not wanting to reveal that I don't know much about fairies. “So did you wanna fit the skirt on me before sewing it? If you make a zipper down the front, or bottom, I can put it on myself without too much trouble.”

“Well, I suppose if it would make you more comfortable...” She puts down the flowing dress that she is working on and walks over to me in order to fit the skirt. “Do you think we should dye your feathers? Not all of them, just a few.”

I nod. “Sure, as long as it is temp dye and pretty thin, it shouldn't keep me from flying.” I blush as the seamstress sets the skirt on me and she tests the fit, running her hands over me without a hint of modesty.

“You know, this is actually half an inch longer than it needs to be. Anyway, I was thinking of striping the costume with pink and green, while we dyed your wings with black stripes and some black and green in your mane and tail. That would give it a sort of... growing out of you, sort of feel, you know?”

“Yeah that’d be great.” I squeak as I am practically felt up.

“Alright then.” She says cheerily, taking the skirt and adjusting it as I calm myself down and hide my obvious blush behind my mane. I am certainly not used to being marehandled.

“So... What got you into watching ponies?” I ask after a moment.

“Oh, you know how it is. You're browsing deviant art, and all your favorite artists are suddenly drawing ponies. You remember when your mom let you watch it once,” She fakes a gag. “So why are these people so interested? So you take a trip to youtube and... the rest is history.”

“And I am guessing Rarity is your preferred pony?” I ask with a smile as I turn back to face her.

“Why however did you guess?” She asks, rolling her eyes and smiling.

“I know, easy guess. Maybe you'll get to meet her!” I say happily.

“Really? That would be fabulous... Oh! You, well, half of you knows her. What's she really like?” She asks curiously.

“She is often portrayed as being snobby, but she really is in touch with everypony else. I've always suspected that she ends up donating a lot of her dresses instead of selling them but I can't be sure. Besides that, she is funny and attentive.” I say, remembering all that Rarity has done for me.

“Well... she sounds like a nice lady to know. How did you two meet, anyway?”

“Well her family technically owned the cottage I started living in, and I claimed it by squatters rights. Instead of trying to get it back, They helped me fix it up and brought me a 'welcome to the neighborhood' basket.” I smile, remembering the first time we had met.

Rarity had been bringing her new friend up to see the cottage that her family owned, thinking that it could be a clubhouse for them, and expecting to find a derelict shack. Instead they had found me, watering newly planted flowers outside. She had asked who I was and why I was there of course, but when I had explained I had nowhere else to go, she had completely turned around, promising not to tell her parents. Of course she ended up letting it slip when they had been talking about renting the place out, and they came to visit me. They talked it over and decided that I could stay if I paid it off later. By the time Twilight moved into town I had managed to pay the cottage off entirely.

“That was... fortunate for you, I suppose.” She holds up the now properly trimmed skirt. “You want to try this again?”

“Oh, I'm sure its fine.” I smile nervously, not really wanting to be molested again.

“If you say so. You know, I was rather surprised that Reid agreed to be Midna.” She says as she resumes her work on the other dress. “Most of that is basically skin paint.”

“Maybe it's the thought of bare fur, or hair as he insists, that bothers him. I know Pinkie was never big on dressing up a bunch or anything.”

“Mmmm, yes. Quite a few people seem to be nervous about showing up with exposed skin. I never had that problem, of course, but I know some people who insisted on measuring themselves.” She says, rolling her eyes as though it was odd to want some privacy.

“Speaking of Reid... is he alright? His mane was straight, and the last time I saw him like that was... well, right after he heard you were shot.” She asks.

I look away, full of worry. “No, things are not alright, but they might be better if he can contact the Princess....”

“Wait.... what?”

I realize what I said and bow my head. “Ooooh dangit. I... He is trying to contact Luna through his dreams.” I admit.

“...is that why he needed the tinfoil hat?”

I nod hopefully. “It might actually work, for all I know.”

“And... why doesn't he just e-mail Tara Strong?”

“Because... She isn't available on email.” I say, the terrible lie apparently slipping past her.

“Celebrity security, I guess... Still. Why does Reid need to contact her at all?”

“Because something bad happened... That I can't talk about yet but that we will be able to deal with once he finds out where she is... I mean gets ahold of her.” I slip up again, wincing.

“I watched that DDR video as it was streaming. Didn't he tell you not to go Nightmare Whisper on us?” She chastises me, and I start to tear up a little, sniffling as I run a hoof over the skirt.

“I won't! It’s just... If he can't get ahold of her, then the whole thing is just... I'll start losing hope, so if we wait until we know what's going on with the princesses, it won't seem so bad...”

“You don't even know what he meant by that, do you?” She asks gently.

“N... No...” I admit, trying not to cry. “I won't hurt anyone though... I would never....”

“...It's... from a very popular fanfiction. Nightmare Whisper, kindest of lies... took all the world's pain and suffering into herself, intending for ponies to live the rest of their lives out in peace. But she was transformed into... well, a dragon-sized alicorn with claws and massive butterfly wings, and spiked manacles chained to... well, a gem that had burst out of her chest. Kindest of lies. She chose that, not out of insanity, but out of love... and in the end, the princesses agreed that to hide that suffering from the world was the wrong decision.” She explains.

“She is the only Nightmare in that fanfiction's central continuity. Pony POV deals with alternate realities where other members of the Mane cast go nightmare, but... aside from Nightmare Mirror, who didn't come from the central world, all the other nightmares are just visions.”

“I think what Reid was trying to say was that it would be better to tell us the painful truth and let us help you then to..” She gestures at me. Me being a small butter yellow pegasus who is trying too hard not to let anyone else hurt or be scared, while shoving herself deeper into the darkness.

“Twilight was shot, in... In the head.... She might not make it.... Both the princesses have gone missing.... There's... There's nothing I can do Jackie!” I cry out, sobbing as she pulls me close in a comforting hug. I seem to need those a lot, don’t I?

“I'm sorry... I'm sorry...” She mumbles.

I don’t know what she is apologizing for but I can’t stop, I need to tell her everything. “and... And if Reid can't get ahold of Luna, then the princesses could be dead for all we know! Equestra will fall apart, boiled alive by a dying sun!” I whimper, shaking a bit.

“...N...no, I think... I don't think Celestia would let that happen. Even if she disappeared, she would have... plans in place... I know it's a lot to accept, but... you have to trust that.... that she's got a handle on things.” Jackie says, patting my mane down as I cry.

I hear hoofsteps followed by Linda’s voice. “Hey guys, pizza's here, and what the hell? What's wrong?”

I hide my face as I choke out; “B... Bad things.”

“...That isn't very--” Linda starts before Jackie does the dirty deed for me.

“Linda. Twilight is... she... she's in the hospital.” She says gently.

“WHAT?!” Linda cries out.

I mumble “Bad things" again as I whimpers and sniffle into Jackie’s shirt.

“I... I gotta...” Linda stammars.

“Linda--” Jackie raises a hand to try and calm her down.

“NO. Nonono. That isn't happening. Nope.”

“Linda.”

“...I'm... I'm just...” I hear the bathroom door open and close, before the deadbolt closes.

“I can't do anything... I'm sorry...” I whisper, feeling useless.

“Don't you EVER think that. Just being alive means you can do something. Linda is just...” She sighs tiredly. It is a weariness I forced her to bear. But this is what she asked me to do... “She's just taking a moment to compose herself.”

After a moment she reluctantly breaks the hug. “...do you still want to help me with the... costumes?”

I look to the bathroom door. “After... After we help Linda....”

“...Alright.” She gets up and goes to the bathroom door, knocking on it softly. “Linda?”

There is nothing but silence as we wait for a minute or so.

“...If you need anything...”

Again, nothing.

“...well, so long as you're in there, maybe you should take a relaxing shower.” She says. This seems to get through, as the shower kicks on a moment later. We wait in silence for a little while.

“Should we tell Shining... We should, shouldn't we?” I ask.

“I... guess. Ugh. I'll go down and--” Jackie starts, but is interrupted by a voice from the shower.

“Not yet. Let me... let me clean up. We'll tell him together. We'll... tell them all together.”

We wait as Linda showers, both going back to our sewing. At least we can get some work done despite being hopelessly crushed. The shower turns off and Linda speaks through the door.

“...what did Celest--Faust. What did Faust have to say about it?”

I mess up a stitch at the mention of Celestia and put the work down, sighing. “She has gone missing. Reid is trying to contact Luna now.” I say in a vacant voice, lacking even the energy to cry.

“He.... he's apparently doing it using a tin foil hat. And a nap.” Jackie explains.

“I... see.” There is a moment in which we are all silent. “Okay, this is awkward and a little random, but how do you clean feathers? I've... never cleaned feathers.” Linda asks me.

I smile a little at the prospect of doing something simple. “Can I come in? I'll show you how.”

She unlocks door with her magic. “Well I suppose it's alright if you see me naked.”

“I've seen you naked before, Linda.” Jackie smirks.

“Don't remind me...”

“Ponies are always naked.” I say as I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

“So...” I spread my wings as far as they will go, and explain how to straighten out and clean the feathers, and how not to wash them with anything more than water and thin soap since they have oils on them that are necessary. I end up showing her how it works on my own wings.

She tries to clean her own feathers but I can see that she is twisting them the wrong way, “Do you need help preening or do you think you'll be able to do it?”

“I think I've got it-- OW!” She pulls a feather a bit too hard and sighs. “I don't got it.”

“If you want, I could show you how... I should warn you that it will feel... Odd to have someone preening you.” I offer.

“...odd as in erogenous?”

I realize I have no experience with it and am working on guesswork. “...it can feel such, imagine it like someone stroking your arm. If it is a doctor or something you won't feel that way, but if its a lover.... I've heard it can” I blush.

“...Alright, Doctor Shy.” She extends her wings and I get to work, carefully and with the utmost professionalism.

She watches me carefully for a while before speaking again. “....when you... when you mentioned Twilight... my first thought was that my sister was in danger. I thought of her as my sister....”

“Yef, ish difconsherting ishnt it? Bu ih dun fink ish a bad fing.” I mumble around feathers.

“Yeah, but you already did it. Me? I... What would it do to help either of us?”

I stop preening. “You don't know until it happens. But I promise you, it is a good thing. It gives you a dual perspective, let's you look at everything from a more steady point of view. This thing with Twilight though... There's no good way to feel about this... I'm trying not to fall apart too...” I admit.

“I... This is a lot like Irene, and--You don't know who Irene is, do you?” She asks.

“I am terrible with names, I might’ve heard of Irene, who is she?” I ask, knowing that Jackie said the name but not in what context.

“My little big sister..I don't want to talk about it.”

Another bit of silence falls between us as I continue preening her wings.

“.....you know, most of the weirdness of all this has been coming from my mind, but there's one thing about this body that really gets to me. Crotch boobs. I mean, why do I have nipples down there?” She asks with an air of disbelief.

“Because you are paying attention to it. But realistically, it is far easier for a foal to nurse while the parent keeps an eye out for danger in a herd environment that way.” I explain, instead of the answer I was tempted to use, which is “Well why do humans have so many fingers?”

“I guess I can.... I'm just trying to distract myself.” She sighs. “We.... should go downstairs and tell the others.”

“Yeah....” I look away nervously. “its not going to be easy... I'm scared of what Julien or Shining will do...”

“Me too. I think, between us, though, we can keep him from doing anything... too rash.” She says hopefully.

I put a few more feathers back into place for Jackie before nodding approvingly. "There, should be able to fly if you want to. Keep your wings exercised."

She smiles sadly. “I don't feel like flying.” She then exits the bathroom, still damp. “Jacqueline? We're ready.”

I follow with a small sigh, nodding to Jackie.

The three of us head downstairs to where the rest of the group are sitting around a table, enjoying quite a bit of pizza.

Ginny seems to be in the middle of some sort of explanation. “...telling you, my favorite is the Smoker. I can just camp from the balconies and strangle the survivors. Oh hey guys, saved you some pizza!”

I smile weakly. “Hey... I'm not really hungry... Thank you though.”

They get a moment to take in our somber expressions, and Ginny looks to Jackie first. “...Oh God. That's the bad news face. Jackie, why do you have the bad news face?”

“Where's Reid?” Ian asks quickly.

Julien stands, looking quite serious and looking to me for answers. “What happened?”

“Reid is trying to contact the princesses, both of them went missing today. As well as... Something bad happened to Twilight.” I breach the subject gently, but I can see his shock.

“What happened?!” Julien asks, a bit louder than I would have liked.

Linda steps forward. “...she's... in the hospital.”

“...what?” Ginny asks breathlessly.

“I haven't looked at the article myself, so I don't know how bad it is, but--” Linda is cut off by Ginny breaking down.

“Oh no... nonono...” She collapses into her chair, covering her eyes and sobbing. “Nononononononono....”

“C...Come here....” Jackie hugs Ginny, rocking her gently. “Sh, sh, sh.... we're all here...”

I can’t bring myself to look at them, staring at the floor. “Reid is pretty sure she will be okay. We can make it to New york in three days if we leave immediately after trick or treating and take driving in shifts....”

Out of the corner of my eye I can see a bright red flash as Shining tries to cast a spell, before almost falling over from pain. “Damnit Julien. If you hadn't used up all that energy.... And what, I am supposed to be able to see the future?!” He started shouting at himself.

“Strategy! Moderation in use of force!” The white unicorn stopped talking, closing his eyes and growling angrily as he fought with himself.

“Oh, not you guys too... Both of you, stop it! Would Twilight want to see you tearing yourself to bits when there's nothing you can realistically do?” Linda chastised.

“...You guys too?” Harold asked, in a concerned tone.

Linda nodded. “Yeah, um... Pinkie and Reid were doing that earlier--”

“Wait, what?” Ian looked back to Linda instead of watching Shining.

“Wasn't... weren't they doing that before?” Linda asked, her own worry increasing as well.

“No!” Ian exclaimed simply.

“We can't waste time trick or treating if Discord is using deadly force now.” Shining says coolly, opening his eyes and looking at me for whatever reason.

“But if we panic, then everypony else will panic...” I try to reason, remembering Pinkie’s words. Hope...

“And you don't think they are already?” He asks. “The leaders of Equestria and one of the element bearers are incapacitated, I would say panic has come.”

Linda takes a step towards him, almost snarling. “THIS ISN'T EQUESTRIA! This is Earth! Our soldiers don't sit around and look pretty when we're attacked, they take their training SERIOUSLY and they certainly don't run off HALF ASSED INTO A SITUATION THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!”

We all stopped moving, talking, even breathing while Linda took a deep breath.

“...if you really want to help, at least read the article. And... and see if you can talk to the military about this.” Linda instructs.

Shining nods. “Sorry dear, you know how I get.” We collectively wince and he realizes his mistake. “I mean....”

“Okay. Both of us? We're upset, we're pissed, and right now we think it would be best if you just sat down and shut up.” Linda hisses.

Jackie looks as shocked as the rest of us feel. “Linda!”

“Fine. Please sit down and shut up.” Linda says again, tears streaking down her face, accenting her anger.

“Linda....” Jackie says.

Linda turns away. “...whatever. There's got to be a water fountain around here somewhere.” She finally just leaves, her hoofsteps hard on the carpet.

Shining just sighs and stares down at the floor dejectedly.

Harold turns to me after a few seconds. “.....sooooooo. Um. Reid's.... contacting the princesses?”

“She...” I have to correct myself since Reid’s brother is right there. “He is trying to contact Luna through his dreams. A theory in progress. We need to let him sleep.”

“Is... can she do that? Luna, I mean. Can she talk to people in their dreams?” Harold asks hopefully.

“No idea. Reid said it might, and without Spike its our only hope.” I sigh.

“I.... see.” Harold says, and the awkward pause returns.

Jackie sighs. “....I'm still going to finish the costumes. Even if you don't put them on, I won't leave a project half finished.” She says with determination.

“I’ll wear mine... I can keep he...” I am cut off by a jaw aching yawn. “...lping...”

“...oh no.” Ginny stands up, wiping the tears from her eyes. “No. You, missy, have had a very long day and you're... going to bed right, right now.” She insists.

I move over to hug her. “Its been a long day for everyone...” I point out.

“Shut up.” She says in the kindest tone I’ve ever heard. She then picks me up and cradles me like a cat, carrying me back to the bedrooms. “Honestly, if I wasn't watching out for you would you even take care of yourself?”

“Probably not...” I conceded, laying my head against a conveniently placed pillow and closing my eyes.

I can feel myself drifting off to sleep as I am placed into a bed and covers are drawn over me, before Ginny starts to sing quietly.

“Let the worries of the world, slip away, slip away.... let your eyes close and end this long and busy day... feel the warmth as your blankets cover your body so tight... and may peaceful, lovely dreams fill your mind's sight...”

I could swear there is more to it, but I am asleep and gone into the land of dreams.