//------------------------------// // Chapter Two: The After Changeling Effects // Story: The Adventures of Bassicus // by Dubious //------------------------------// Chapter Two: The After Changeling Effects Proofread by The11thWonder "Rise and shine sleepyhead!" Was suddenly blared into Bassicus' ear, to which he calmly (He leapt off his bed with a Bowie Knife he didn't pack in hand.) responded, only to come face-to-face with a pink ball of hyperactive fun-doom. "Uh... Hi?" Was all he had to say to the Element of Laughter. "So you're the new pony Celestia was talking about?" Pinkie said in a completely legible way. "I'm Bassicus. Now could you please step away from that shelving unit." He cautioned Pinkie Pie, who was standing on her hind legs to get a better look at all the stuff he stored on them. After a few seconds she, seemingly at random, picked up one of the items and was about to ask what it was before she accidentally dropped it onto the floor, causing it to shatter into tiny pieces. "10." Bassicus slowly started counting down. "OH I'M SO SORRY! HOW-" "9." "-Can I make it up-" "8." "-To you?" "7... 6... 5... 4..." He continued counting down causing Pinkies mane to go flat and become less lively. "Please! I'm really sorry!" "3." "Please just stop counting!" "2." By now Pinkie was in tears, her coat and mane having lost all colour. "1. Zero." And with that the entire room was enveloped in a blinding white-blue glow. After a few seconds Pinkie decided to look up from her cowering, only to see him placing the, perfectly fine, object she accidentally broke back on the shelf from where she got it. "W-wh-what?" "Hmm? Oh sorry I was just counting down until it started to repair itself." "So you're not mad at me for breaking it?" "Why would I be mad? I've been trying to break it for years." "But why?" Pinkie asked, visibly perking up now that she knew he wasn't going to harm her, at least she hoped he wouldn't. "It contains a power the aliens removed from me. All humans have this gift as well, only it's hidden. Locked away in the subconscious. Only a few humans have ever utilized it, and I met one of them. He's the one who helped me figure out what's in here." "What's in there?" Pinkie asked, almost back to her normal self. "My ability to use magic." Bassicus said in such a nonchalant way it elicited a surprised gasp from Pinkie. "But how can't you use magic?! Everypony can uses a little magic!" Pinkie told him with absolute belief. How anypony could live without magic was beyond her. "Ah. Therein lies the fault." "What do you mean?" Pinkie asked in an odd display of focus. "You said 'everypony' I am not a pony. Therefore by your logic, I shouldn't be able to use magic." "I- Wha- HUH?!" Was the only response Pinkie could muster. Bassicus heard some appreciative whistling coming from the doorway. "Ah ain't never seen anyone able to keep Pinkie quiet with stickin' their hoof in her mouth. Ah'm Applejack, by the way." "And I'm Bassicus. So what are you here for?" "The princess sent me t’ fetch ya for breakfast." "I kinda expected her to be a little more... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah! Reserved. I was expecting her to be a little more reserved when it came to telling her subjects about the existence of extra dimensional aliens." "She just said you were a foreign dignitary from the other side'a the world. She never said anything about ya bein' from another planet, let alone another dimension." "I really screwed the pooch, didn't I?" At this time Pinkie chose to strategically reenter the conversation, having gotten over her logic induced loop. "YEP! You sure did! Whatever that means!" She beamed at him. "Right. Well I guess I'll follow you to breakfast then, and don't tell anyone about what I said. Got it?" "Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie and Applejack said in synch, miming the appropriate motions. "Ok, that works too. Now let's get some breakfast." He said, rubbing his hands together in glee at the prospect of fresh, and wholly free, food. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Ten minutes later, Applejack, Pinkie, and Bassicus arrived in the dining hall for breakfast, where he was promptly bombarded with questions by an overly excited Twilight. "Is it true you have a device that allows short distance teleportation?" "Yes. Now will you stop asking me questions so I can eat?" "But we haven't ordered anything yet." Twilight stated. "Wait! I can ORDER what I want for breakfast, and not you know, get given whatever everyone else is having?" "Well this is the royal palace, there's more than enough chefs willing to make whatever you want." Pitched Rarity. "Well, I guess I'll have some eggs, bacon, OOH and a side of steak!" At his mention of meat, everyone present that was a pony (The three griffon ambassadors sitting at the table were completely unfazed by his asking for meat and the lone minotaur didn't give a fuck.) turn green in the face. "What? Was it something I said?" He asked, completely confused as to why they were looking like they were going to be sick. "I'm sorry, the prospect of eating meat doesn't really go down well with ponies." Celestia informed him. "Why not? I thought they were omnivores as well." At this one of the griffons burst out laughing, only to cease when he got a chair to the face, courtesy of our hero. "Ponies are herbivores, also I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't throw chairs at the griffon ambassadors." Celestia sternly explained. "I see and also it was his fault for laughing at me." "Well you're glad that the crown-princess wasn't here, I'd hate to see a war sparked between our two countries by the actions of a guest." Celestia scolded. "Meh. When you’ve escape the clutches of a half dozen evil post-apocalyptic organizations; things like war don't really matter. Oh, wait. War is all that matters, since it's really the only thing still going on." "What do you mean 'post-apocalyptic'?" Twilight asked curiously. "Oh, my people blew ourselves, and the entire environment along with us, to sub-atomic dust." Bassicus informed her. "But why would they do that?" Rarity beat Twilight to the chase. "Stupid and corrupt politicians and extreme racism." "Oh." All the ponies present intoned. "... And then it threw me into a tree! ME! Into a tree!" Rainbow Dash whined to an unknown person. "Wow, whatever creature did that sounds like a dweeb." The person Rainbow was talking to responded. After a few seconds they both walked into sight, the person accompanying Rainbow causing all the griffons to bow in respect. "GAH! There it is!" Rainbow said pointing at Bassicus, who had just been served most of what he asked for. "Hmm?" He looked up from folding his bacon tightly around with egg. "Princess! It's the monster that attacked me in the garden last night!" Rainbow yelled at Celestia. "I did not know that you attacked Rainbow Dash last night, Bassicus." Celestia menacingly said to Bassicus. "Stupid bitch attacked me first. Lucky I merely threw her across the gardens and into a tree." He said, his goal of wrapping the egg on his plate in bacon complete. "HEY! How dare you call my friend a bitch!" The Griffon crown-princesses screeched at Bassicus. "Calm down. Fighting Bassicus will get you nowhere, fast. So settle down and have some breakfast, Gilda." Celestia suggested to the overzealous griffon. "I guess so. And what do you mean fighting him will get me nowhere fast?" Gilda asked as she sat down next to Rainbow Dash. "He has a weapon that makes the hardened exoskeletons of a changeling look like a sheet of thin paper against a sword." Celestia calmly told Rainbow and Gilda, she felt a bit of joy from seeing their horrified expressions. "But changelings can take a war-hammer without their exoskeletons breaking." Twilight said, disbelief evident in her voice. "I can show you it if you want." Bassicus said around his mouthful of bacon wrapped egg. "I'm not sure that would be wise, Bassicus. And you're already holding it." Celestia deadpanned. "This is an Electron Plasma Halberd. I made it myself." Bassicus proudly stated. "That doesn't look too dangerous." One of the griffons said. "Well I haven't turned it on yet." "What?" Was all the reply he got. Without further ado he switched on his weapon, causing a bright flash to occur, but not enough that anyone had to look away, and an ethereal green blade to appear where it should have been. "Ta-da!" He said whilst doing jazz hands. His unsupported halberd chose the moment to fall forwards and slice through the table and floor. "Whoops." He cheekily replied, somehow holding it again. "Oh no." Groaned Twilight. "What's wrong Twilight?" Asked Rarity. "It's just like Pinkie, only smarter." At this statement everyone present, even the princesses, jaws dropped. "T-t-this can't be true!" Gilda stammered out, only to see Bassicus tuning a banjo. "Fuck." Was all she said upon realizing Twilight spoke true. "Ah say. Now we've got two Pinkies runnin' around. They're gonna cause more chaos than Discord if they ever go prankin'." Applejack groaned. Somewhere in the statue garden, the recently restatueisd Discord shivered. He knew only too well what Pinkie could do without immense scientific knowledge, but another like her with knowledge surpassing even Twilight? The next ponies to walk past his statue would see a sign hanging on it saying "I'm out, seeya when the second Pinkie leaves." "What's so bad about being energetic? I mean if anything it's better than the alternative." Bassicus sagely responded. "What do ya mean?" Applejack asked coz she's sitting at the table too ya know. "I could have turned into a raider. So be glad I'm not, I'm pretty sure you value your skin." Bassicus offhandedly said. "What do ya mean?" Applejack asked again. "Raiders rape, kill, and eat other people, and if you're lucky they'll do it in that order." "That's horrid!" Rarity exclaimed, far too dramatically. "It's just life in the wastes. So, I'm sorta bored talking now. I'm gonna go explore." "Oh no you aren't, dweeb. You're going to face me in combat unless you apologize for calling Rainbow a bitch." Gilda stated. "Your funeral. I wonder if there'll be cake? I haven't had cake in like, two hundred years." At this tidbit of information everyone present gasped audibly, except for Pinkie, she was in utter horror that somepony hadn't had cake in two hundred years. Before anyone could say anything, both Pinkie Pie and Bassicus had vanished in a streak of pink. "Where'd Pinkie go?" Applejack beat everypony else to the punch "I'm more worried about where Bassicus is." Celestia said. "Who's Bassicus?" Rainbow asked Celestia. "He was the being you had a scuffle with yesterday." "Oh. Well if I know pinkie, She'll have probably taken him to one of the parties she's stashed all over Equestria in case of a party emergency." Rainbow explained. But where in tarnation would she be having a party?" Applejack pondered aloud. "I know where she's having her party" Fluttershy whispered. "I don't think she'll have it too far away, maybe the ball room?" Rarity suggested. "I know where she's having her party" Fluttershy again tried to tell everypony. "Nah, she'll probably want it somewhere she can gather a lot of ponies quickly." Rainbow Dash butted in. "Somewhere public, nearby and-" Twilight was mentally checking off the possible places Pinkie could be having the party when she was interrupted. "I KNOW WHERE SHE'S HAVING HER PARTY!!" Fluttershy yelled in an almost flawless imitation of the royal canterlot voice. "GAH!!" Was the unanimous reply to Fluttershy’s outburst. "Oh um... That is if you want to know." Fluttershy said shyly, slowly decreasing the volume of her voice until it was barely a whisper again. "Where's she having the party, Fluttershy?" Rarity soothingly asked. "She's having it in the gardens." she said slightly above a whisper. "What do you mean? She's not ha-" Rarity cut herself off as she looked out the window and saw Pinkie, Bassicus, and a whole lot of snooty Canterlot nobles in the gardens, surrounded by tables covered in cupcakes and other sugary treats. "I stand corrected, I suggest we hurry. Lest Pinkie stirs up a panic." Rarity suggested as she was already exiting the dining hall. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Outside in the gardens, Bassicus was having a wonderful time. "Oh wow! This is almost as awesome as that time Vault City threw me a birthday party slash thank-you-for-teaching-us-to-not-be-prejudiced party!" Bassicus ecstatically exclaimed. "Somepony threw a better party than Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie mused to herself, mane slowly going limp. "I shall find them and learn their secrets!" She suddenly exclaimed, causing Bassicus to spill his punch on his Power Armor. "Oops. Sorry." Pinkie apologized. "It's okay. I made to resist up to fifty mega Psi's worth of water pressure. I'm sure some punch- and it fried the stealth systems and the High Gravity Field Emitter." "What are those?" Pinkie asked. "One allows me to turn invisible and the other is what I use to get out of anti-gravity traps. Of which I only encountered three of, all on Mothership Theta. But better to be safe than sorry, and put down my Anti-Building Rifle." Bassicus mused. "There you are Pinkie!" Rarity called from across the gardens, being followed by Princess Celestia, Princess Gilda, and the rest of the Mane 6 and the griffon ambassadors. "Oh hi Rarity! Here for the party?" Pinkie cheered. "Actually we've come so that Bassicus can apologize to Rainbow for calling her a bitch. HEY! Where'd he go?" Gilda angrily said until she noticed Bassicus's timely disappearance. That is, until he faded back into existence, surrounded by strange objects. "PARTY FAVOURS!" He yelled and almost as if by some mysterious magic, known only to him and Pinkie, all the objects were launched into the air and were distributed even in front of everyone present. "Also I grabbed shit at random. So I'd suggest waiting ‘til I've checked what I brought *FwooshCirr* Clearly I brought my Magnetic Acceleration Tube. So gla- ah shit I left it loaded with a Mini nuke. *Deep breath* RUN!!" He finally bellowed before gapping it with a speed that would make Rainbow proud, if she wasn't thoroughly pissed. "I wonder wha-" Celestia was cut off as a loud boom followed by the colours in the light being inverted. "I'll go get him. Start cleaning up the mess." She concluded looking at the crater right where the statue she had built to commemorate her reunion with her sister’s return. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Bassicus was strategically hidden in a broom closet when he heard the sound of angry walking. He held his breath as they suddenly stopped outside his broom closet. "I know you're in there! Come out and face justice!" Suddenly the door was wrenched open and his sight was flooded with light. "Oh sorry. I was looking for the incompetent buffoon who dyed Trixie's mane bright purple. Why are you cowering in fear? Trixie knows she strikes an intimidating figure, but cowering in fear doesn't suit her tastes." "Oh thank god. I thought you were Celestia." Bassicus breathed a sigh of relief as he turned out to be another pony who found him. "What did you do?" Trixie asked. "I accidentally gave a noble a Mini nuke and they blew up a statue with it." "Trixie will smooth things over with her majesty, you strange metal biped." Trixie motioned for him to follow. "So what country do you hail from? Trixie has never seen a creature like you before." "Well between you and me, I'm actually from another dimension." Bassicus confided in her. "Bahahahahaha. That is the funniest joke Trixie has heard all day. Trixie is sure the Princess won't stay mad at you forever." Trixie unknowingly comforted. "Ah, Luna. Could you help me convince Celestia to go easy on Bassicus here? It would appear he's indirectly responsible for the destruction of a statue." "Very well Trixie, I'll help you. How've the kids been lately?" Luna started striking up small talk. "Oh, they've been angels; the Cutie Mark Crusaders really are good babysitters. Unfortunately they won't look after them anymore once they learnt they weren't going to get their cutie marks for babysitting." "That is a real shame, still, I'm sure you can find somepony able to look after them." "Oh I'm sure I will." Trixie appeared deep in thought. As the group rounded the corner they saw Celestia and the Mane 6 coming towards them down the hall. "I see you found Bassicus, Trixie. I thank you for helping me look for him." Celestia thanked Trixie. "It was no problem, however he did convince me to ask you to go easy on him." "And how do you propose I do that?" Celestia asked, understanding what Trixie had in mind. "As punishment he should be for- Trixie means made- to looks after her foals when she is away." "That seems like a fair punishment." Bassicus agreed, he also noticed a strange look in Twilight's eye. "Something wrong, Twilight?" Trixie teased Twilight. "Oh she's just a little peeved that Trixie got chosen to be the Archmage instead of her." Rarity explained. "What's an Archmage?" Bassicus asked, only to receive a massive intake of breath. "How do you not know what an Archmage is!" Both Trixie and Twilight said at the same time. "I don't have magic where I come from. Well I do, it's just not that abundant." Bassicus told them. "We must educate him in the arcane ways." Twilight told Trixie, temporarily forgetting their rivalry. "Yes. With your permission Celestia, Would it be okay if we were to borrow Bassicus so we can teach him about magic?" Trixie asked Celestia. "Sure." Celestia agreed before walking away with Luna and the rest of the Mane 6 in tow. "I have a bad feeling about this." Bassicus said as he felt a familiar drop in his stomach. "Oh it's not going to be that bad." Twilight said whilst dragging him down the hall towards a private lecturing room. ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ "... And that's how you measure the thaumic efficiency of your horn." Twilight concluded her portion of the lecture. "I'm hungry; can we go get lunch now?" "But we're only a quarter of the way through." Trixie told him. "Fuck this shit." Bassicus said before moving to his own dimension and taking thirteen steps back and returning to the one he just left. After confirming where he was, he gapped it towards the dining hall to grab some lunch before the lecturesome duo could strike again. Little did he know that a few minutes after he left Trixie and Twilight had begun engaging in 'relations' with eachother. After three minutes of random wandering he found his way to the dining hall, just in time for lunch. "I'd like a steak, well done, a side of deep fried chips, some tomato sauce, and a bottle of Nuka-Cola, please." He asked one of the waiters taking orders. "Sir, we do not serve any of those. Now order something from the menus or leave." He replied, only to have his ability to breath removed as he was lifted off the ground. "Fulfill my order, or I will hunt down your family and friends, and brutally torture them to death in front of you before force feeding you their remains and then skinning you alive. Got it?" He threatened the waiter. "Y-yes!" The waiter gasped and soon found himself falling on the floor and then scrabbling away to go tell the chefs of his order. "What?" Bassicus looked around at all the shocked faces. "I didn't know you could get steak here." Gilda whispered to the nearest ambassador. "You can't." Was her reply. "Bassicus, stop intimidating the waiters." Celestia scolded him. "Fiiiiiine." Bassicus said, behaving somewhat like a misbehaving child. "But no revolutionary technologies for you!" He said, giving out a triumphant laugh as he seated himself next to Gilda. "Hi." "I'm still waiting for you to apologize to Rainbow Dash for calling her a bitch earlier." Gilda told him. "I didn't call her a bitch earlier." He told her. "Yes you did, I heard you." "Did not." "Did too. "Did not" "Did too. "Did not" "Did too. "Did not" "Did too. "Did not" "Did too. "Did not" "Oh shut it!" Yelled the minotaur seated across the table from them. "You're both adults, act it or I'll spank you until you do!" He angrily told them. "I can punch through reinforced steel." Bassicus simply put. "And I'm a master of the Iron Claw Technique." Gilda also added. "I'm a well decorated war veteran from Minitos. I'm better than both of you." He growled. "Ever fought a Deathclaw?" Bassicus asked. "What?" "A Deathclaw; ever fought one?" "I have not." Replied the minotaur. "Well, then shut the fuck up you poser." "You and me, tomorrow at midday." The minotaur challenged. "Sure. I could use some exercise." "No fighting with our new military adviser Bassicus." "Why would somewhere as peaceful as Equestria need a military adviser?" Bassicus asked. "We're at war with the United Factions." Celestia told Bassicus. "Who're they?" "They're a group of nations that banded together to form a super country, they have been corrupted by their ideals and have launched an invasion on Equestria." Celestia gloomily stated. "So it's only fair that her allies sent their aide." Gilda said. "How many soldiers?" Bassicus asked her. "Twelve thousand." Gilda proudly responded "Weeeeeeak!" Bassicus said. "No it isn't, It's half the griffon army." "Before the Great War, the USA had several million soldiers." He smiled proudly at the shocked faces of the griffons and the minotaur. "There's no way a country could have such a large army." The minotaur intoned. "China had a larger one, better equipped. But advanced weapons tech couldn't do shit against the pure destructive force of a Nuclear Warhead." "Nuclear Warhead?" Gilda and the minotaur asked. "Humanities ultimate weapon, a single one could wipe out a city three times the size of Canterlot." "So what happened?" "Hmm?" "You mentioned you were from a post-apocalyptic wasteland. What caused it?" Gilda asked, curious about how humanity settled its 'Great War'. "Well China, the USA, and Russia all unleashed their entire nuclear stockpiles and caused a nuclear winter to blanket the entire planet, killing off or mutating all life not in a fallout shelter. "How long ago was this war?" "Around two hundred and tenish years ago. Don't rightly remember, as it happened before I escaped from Mothership Theta." "Mothership Theta?" The minotaur asked. "It was an alien research ship tasked with researching all life on earth." "This isn't 'earth', as you called it. This is Equus. Clearly you must have accidentally crossed dimensions." The minotaur said. "I know, I made the device that brought me here." "Wait what!" Was the collective response from all listening on the conversation. "I build a dimensional travel device. Need to come up with a good name for it though." "You are clearly an intellectual being if you could figure out how to move between dimensions." The minotaur remarked. "I had some help from the Think Tank." "The who?" "Not that old band. The Think Tank. Pre-war scientists who are now just brains in jars." "I see." The minotaur pondered internally for a few minutes and just as he was about to answer, lunch arrived. "Here is your lunch, General Iron Will." "Thank you." "And here is yours, almighty Bassicus." "Don't start worshiping me as a god, it ended badly the first time and it'll end badly again." "My apologies." The waiter said removing the lid on the plate that held Bassicus' food. "DAFUQ is this?" He exclaimed pointing to the chips. "Those are the Hay Fries you asked for." The waiter nervously answered. "I wanted them made from potato." Bassicus menaced. "B-but potato is poisonous." "No it's not. I've eaten it loads of times and I'm perfectly fine, so long as you don't count three heart attacks and a case of cardiac arrest as bad." Everyone was looking at Bassicus as if they’d seen a ghost. "What?" "How are you still alive?" "The autodocs at the hospital fixed me right up." "I'd suggest we switch topics before Bassicus melted out brains." "Agreed." And with that they all settled down to eat their lunches and make small talk. Everything would be fine until tomorrow.