The Vinyl Scratch Tapes
Second Transcript: The Spitfire Interview
[What follows is a transcript of broadcast 1F15 of the Vinyl Scratch, approximately two weeks after the infamous first episode interview with Princess Celestia].
DJ-P0n3: You’re about to enter another dimension, not of sight and sound but of ROCK! You’re listening to K-COLT! Next stop, THE VINYL SCRATCH!
[Record scratch.]
DJ-P0n3: You’re listening to the first talk show in Equestria. Accept no substitutes! I’m your host, the priestess of punk herself, DJ-P0n3!
Octavia: And I’m her co-host Octavia ... still shocked we haven’t been sued yet.
DJ-P0n3: Well, it’s still early in the day, so who knows?! Haha!
Octavia: You don’t feel the least bit ashamed of what happened on yesterday’s show, do you?
DJ-P0n3: DJ-P0n3 does not know the meaning of the word shame!
Octavia: [Sigh.] Why am I not surprised?
DJ-P0n3: Besides, yesterday’s show was fantastic! What is there to be ashamed of?
Octavia: Well, let’s see. For one thing, you embarrassed our guest. Again.
DJ-P0n3: What? Noooooo, I was a model host to Photo Finish.
Octavia: At first. Then you made fun of her, just like you did the Princess!
DJ-P0n3: Okay, first of all, I did not make fun of the Princess. I used my cunning wit and intelligence--
[Octavia lets out a “Ha!”]
DJ-P0n3: To deliver the truth for the sake of justice! Even Celestia agreed I was right in the end.
Octavia: That doesn’t excuse you badgering her on air! She’s the ruler of all Equestria!
DJ-P0n3: Well I never voted for her.
[Octavia slams head on console.]
DJ-P0n3: And second, I didn’t embarrass Photo Finish. Not exactly.
Octavia: You said her accent was fake!
DJ-P0n3: No, no. That’s not what I said at all. I simply asked “What accent are we SUPPOSED to think that is?” There’s a difference. She didn’t seem that offended. She did give me that free camera.
Octavia: She threw it at your head!
DJ-P0n3: Yes. For free.
Octavia: Whatever. The point is I ended up having to apologize for you. Again!
DJ-P0n3: Oh, stop being such a stick in the mud. You know you love it. After all, you still come into work every day.
Octavia: [Angry muttering.] That’s because I’m afraid if I take a day off, you’ll set the studio on fire.
DJ-P0n3: Octy, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Octavia: Let’s ... let’s just get on with the show before I get a migraine.
DJ-P0n3: Right! Well, we have a great show for you today. Now, we were going to have an interview with Prince Blueblood, but for some reason he canceled at the last minute.
Octavia: Probably because he actually listened to the show and realized you’d spend all morning mocking him.
DJ-P0n3: [Fake sincerity.] Mock him? Me? Why Octavia, I am shocked you’d think such a thing! I ... I think I might cry.
Octavia: Crying would imply you actually have emotions.
DJ-P0n3: Well, forget all about the Prince, folks, because we’ve got a guest who’s even better. She’s one of the fastest flyers in Equestria and the definition of cool. That’s right, we’ve got Spitfire of the Wonderbolts here in the studio! Who needs some stuck-up snob when we’ve got her, right?
Octavia: There you go insulting ponies you’ve never met again.
DJ-P0n3: You’re just mad because he’d be the only guest we’ve had snootier than you.
Octavia: He is not snootier than me!
[DJ-P0n3 bursts out laughing.]
Octavia: Wait, I mean I’m not snooty! I mean he’s not snooty! I mean, ugh, shut up!
DJ-P0n3: You know, I don’t know how I had fun before I had you to pick on. Awww, now your face is all red. So cute…
Octavia: Jerk!
DJ-P0n3: And that’s not all, listeners! This interview will be extra special. You may not know this, but Spitfire and I also happen to be best friends!
Octavia: Wait, really?
DJ-P0n3: Yep. Since we were adorable babies! Thick as thieves! BFFs! All that junk.
[Pause.]
DJ-P0n3: What, you don’t believe me?
Octavia: No, it’s just that ... Spitfire is a Wonderbolt. A respected person. And you’re ... well, you. You can understand why I’d be a little confused.
[Door quietly opens and shuts.]
DJ-P0n3: Ohhhh? You don’t believe it’s possible for me to have friends?
Octavia: No, I just expected your friends to be more like … mental patients or criminal riff-raff.
[Spitfire chuckles in the background.]
Spitfire: Well, Vinyl does drive me crazy, but I’m not a mental patient just yet.
[DJ-P0n3 giggles.]
Octavia: [Yelps.] OH! Um ... Miss Spitfire. I- I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear you come in. I wasn’t... I didn’t mean to ... she made me say it!
Spitfire: [Laughing.] Don’t sweat it. I’m just kidding around.
DJ-P0n3: Uh oh, who let the ratty mule in the studio?
Octavia: [Aghast.] Vinyl! How dare you--
Spitfire: Haha, still the same old Vinyl. Love the show. Nice to see someones paying you to run your mouth.
DJ-P0n3: I know! Can you believe it? I get health insurance too, and all I have to do is play music I like and make fun of our sponsors.
Spitfire: And all I do is fly around and look cool.
DJ-P0n3: We are such thieves!
Spitfire: I know!
[Both laugh together.]
DJ-P0n3: Ah, look at that. Too big to give a hug to your friend? You’re such a jerk!
Spitfire: I learned from the best, didn’t I? Haha.
[They hug.]
Spitfire: Awww, it’s good to see you too, Vinyl.
Octavia: Well ... that’s definitely something.
DJ-P0n3: What?
Octavia: Nothing, it’s just ... I never took you for the hugging type. It just seems so … nice of you.
DJ-P0n3: Oh. Thanks!
Octavia: Almost makes me forget you’re really a complete lunatic.
DJ-P0n3: [Gasp.] I’ll have you know I can be very affectionate!
Octavia: Hmph. I find that hard to believe.
DJ-P0n3: [Slyly.] Say the word and I’ll show you just how “affectionate” I can get.
Octavia: S-stop kidding around on the air!
Spitfire: [Whispering.] You think she’s joking?
Octavia: Huh?
Spitfire: Oh nothing.
DJ-P0n3: Thanks for joining us, Spitfire. It’s been too long.
Spitfire: No problem. I love the show. [Chuckles.] You two are fun together.
Octavia: [Wearily.] “Fun” isn’t exactly the first word that comes to mind. “Rock bottom” is more like it.
DJ-P0n3: Haha, Octy’s such a kidder.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Someone help me. Please.
DJ-P0n3: So, Spitfire! Why don’t you start by telling our listeners about the Wonderbolts?
Spitfire: Well, we’re the best flyers in Equestria. We’ve done air shows everywhere from Cloudsdale to Manehatten. We have a pretty demanding schedule, but I’m not complaining. Best job in the world.
Octavia: What’s the rest of the team like?
Spitfire: Oh, they’re all really nice. We all love meeting fans. They’re all very cool.
DJ-P0n3: Yes, very cool. Makes me wonder how they let you in, Spitshine.
Spitfire: [Snort.] I ... almost forgot about that nickname.
Octavia: Vinyl! Don’t disgrace the only guest who actually likes us! Don’t you know anything about showing respect?!
DJ-P0n3: You’re right. That was disrespectful. Miss Spitshine, I meant to say.
Octavia: Vinyl!
Spitfire: [Giggles.] No really, it’s fine. Vinyl’s just being herself.
Octavia: I know. And that’s precisely why it’s wrong.
DJ-P0n3: Haha, that’s a great lesson, Octy. All you fillies listening, remember what Octavia says: never be yourself.
Octavia: No, the lesson is to never be like Vinyl. Ever.
Spitfire: Words to live by.
[DJ-P0n3 laughs.]
DJ-P0n3: Can’t really argue with that one.
Spitfire: Trust me, Octavia, I already know. She’s always been like this. I could tell you some stories.
DJ-P0n3: Ah yes, my favorite kinds of stories: the ones about me!
Octavia: [Sighs.] Are there any where Vinyl gets hurt?
Spitfire: Tons.
Octavia: Tell me all of them.
DJ-P0n3: Psh. Octy, if you’re fishing for something to make fun of me for, good luck. I’m an open book! I’ve never been ashamed of a single thing I’ve ever done!
Spitfire: Oh? Then I guess that means you’ve told her about the concert?
[Pause.]
DJ-P0n3: The um ... [Cough.] The what?
Spitfire: The concert? I know you haven’t forgotten.
DJ-P0n3: I, er, don’t recall that.
Spitfire: Oh really? Good thing I remember it then...
DJ-P0n3: No! I mean ... [Nervous laugh.] Nobody needs to hear that--
Octavia: No, by all means Miss Spitfire, please continue!
[Octavia scoots mike closer to Spitfire.]
Spitfire: Well, back when we were fillies, you might not believe it, but Vinyl was a bit of a show-off.
Octavia: ...really? I would have never guessed.
Spitfire: She loved music back then and just knew that had something to do with her special talent, but didn’t know what her “thing” was.
DJ-P0n3: Really, this ... this is nothing anypony needs to hear...
Spitfire: She wanted to get her Cutie Mark so bad so she took every instrument in town, regardless of whether she had actually asked for them or not, and tried all of them. And guess what? She found one instrument she just loved.
DJ-P0n3: Ooookay, well that was fun. Wasn’t that fun? Yep, fun, er, isn’t it time for the ad? Yeah, I think it’s time for the ad. Why don’t we run that right now?! [Muttering.] Where’s that button?!
Spitfire: I mean, she LOVED playing it and she wanted everyone to see. So she invited everyone in town to have a concert. She even built a little stage out of sticks and everything, made a little sign with her name on it, and everything. She was certain that if she held a big concert, she’d definitely get her cutie mark. She was so proud of that instrument …
Octavia: Well then, Miss Spitfire, I just have to ask …
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous muttering.] Where’s the plug on this console?
Octavia: What was the instrument?
DJ-P0n3: Spitfire, don’t!
Spitfire: Are you ready for this?
DJ-P0n3: You can’t!
Spitfire: An accordion.
DJ-P0n3: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Octavia laughs uncontrollably.]
DJ-P0n3: [Groans.] I can’t believe you told them. I was young and confused!
Spitfire: What’s there to be ashamed about? [Stifled laughter.] It was beautiful, really. I mean, when you did that polka version of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” ... tears were in my eyes. [Snort.] It was ... it was so moving.
Octavia: Ahahahahaha-- [Bangs hoof on console.]
DJ-P0n3: Yeah just ... get it out of your system, Octavia.
Spitfire: The tragedy of it all was her concert was cut short because the accordion happened to belong to the sheriff. She didn’t really think of that when she invited him ...
Octavia: AHAHAHAHAHA, oh god, I can’t breathe, Hahahahaha!
Spitfire: So he dragged her off-stage. But she wouldn’t give back the accordion. I mean, she loved that thing. She was kicking and biting him. They had to practically pry it away from her!
[Laughter continues loudly in the background.]
DJ-P0n3: It’s fine. It’s fine, Spitfire. [Chuckles.] You know, I was gonna be nice. You wanna play that game? We’ll play that game. How would you like to tell our listeners who your first kiss was?
[Octavia stops laughing.]
Octavia: Vinyl, calm down. There’s no need to retaliate. It’s not that there’s anything wrong ... [Covers mouth to hide laughter.] With you. [Voice cracks with laughter]. Playing the accordion.
DJ-P0n3: No, trust me, you’ll all love this. Tell them, Spitfire.
Spitfire: Aw, don’t be like that, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Inquiring minds want to know!
Octavia: Do you have any respect for anypony’s privacy?
DJ-P0n3: No. Octavia, guess who it was.
Octavia: I’m not going to join in such childish--
DJ-P0n3: Guess.
Octavia: Wha-- How should I know? Some nerdy colt or something?
DJ-P0n3: Not exactly...
Spitfire: Heh, you’re seriously going to tell them, aren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: No, Octy, it wasn’t a nerdy colt. I’ll give you three hints: it’s a different gender, it’s someone you already know, and the answer is me.
Octavia: What?!
DJ-P0n3: It’s true.
Spitfire: [Chuckle.] I can’t believe you’d bring that up. It was just a practice kiss.
DJ-P0n3: Hey, if I have to suffer, so do you. That’s what friends are for. [Pause.] Also, listeners, for the record? She uses tongue.
Octavia: [Angry.] Vinyl, that is wildly inappropriate!
DJ-P0n3: Why so mad? [Grins.] You jealous?
Octavia: Oh, you wish!
DJ-P0n3: Cause if you are, we can fix that right now. Your choice, open mouth or closed mouth?
Octavia: Gross!
DJ-P0n3: You have kissed before, right?
Octavia: I-I don’t see what that has to do with anything!
DJ-P0n3: So then you haven’t?
Octavia: I didn’t say that!
DJ-P0n3: But it’s true, isn’t it?
[Octavia stammers.]
Octavia: You-
DJ-P0n3: I already told you. We can fix all this right now...
Spitfire: [Chuckle.] This interview went in an odd direction.
DJ-P0n3: That tends to happen here.
[Octavia stammers some more, then thumps head on console.]
Octavia: [Muttering.] I am ashamed to know you. You know that, right?
DJ-P0n3: Wha? Oh yeah, whatever. Hmm ... you know, I just got a great idea.
Octavia: No fires!
DJ-P0n3: No, not this time. [Scoots chair.] I’ll be right back. Octavia, go to commercial.
Octavia: What? Wait!
[Sound of hooves clomping on the floor.]
Octavia: I don’t know how to work--
[Door slam.]
Octavia: ... the console. [Sigh.] It’s okay ... if that moron can do it, I should be able to. We’ll be right back after these messages, folks! [Long pause.] Um ... which button does she usually ... oh, here we go!
[Hits button. “Boing!” sound effect plays.]
Octavia: No wait, this one!
[Hits button, followed by fart sound effect.]
Octavia: Come on!
[Hits button. Slightly different fart sound plays.]
Spitfire: You okay there?
Octavia: I’m fine! I can figure this out. Okay, now I know for sure. It’s this one!
[Hits button. Volume lowers slightly. Octavia continues unaware she is still broadcasting.]
Octavia: There we go. [Exhales.] Today is just one of those days. Miss Spitfire, I just want to say how sorry I am about everything.
Spitfire: [Chuckles.] It’s fine. This is pretty fun.
Octavia: Yeah, but that stuff Vinyl said--
Spitfire: It’s not a big deal. We were just fillies. I’m not embarrassed. After all, you know how Vinyl is …
Octavia: I guess. [Pause.] Can I ask you something? Just between us?
Spitfire: Yeah?
Octavia: Well it’s just ... you seem relatively normal.
Spitfire: I try, yeah.
Octavia: And you say Vinyl’s always been this way, right?
Spitfire: Pretty much.
Octavia: Well ... why are you two friends?
Spitfire: That’s a weird question. [Laughs.] I’d figure you’d know already.
Octavia: What do you mean?
Spitfire: Well, you’re her friend too, right?
[Silence.]
Octavia: Um, what?
Spitfire: You’re not? Oh. Sorry, I just ... well, you guys sound close.
Octavia: Were we listening to the same show?! You think that’s how friends treat each other? I don’t think so! We’re not close at all! All she does is make fun of me. We never actually talk. We’re not friends. We’re ... I don’t even know what we are.
Spitfire: Hey, calm down. No reason to get upset.
Octavia: I’m not upset! I’m just … [Sighs.] I don’t even really know why I’m here. Every morning I wake up afraid of what I’m going to have to put up with today. Am I going to watch someone else get torn down for no reason? Am I going to lose more of my dignity? I’ve only got so much left …
Spitfire: ...are you okay?
Octavia: I don’t know. [Glumly.] The thing is, I know that nopony who listens actually cares what I think. They just listen to see me suffer and laugh while Vinyl destroys somepony for shock value. It makes me feel ... dirty. And Vinyl doesn’t realize it. And even if she did, she wouldn’t care. She doesn’t seem to care about anything aside from getting attention. That’s really all I’m here for: to be a prop she uses to give herself more attention. I guess that doesn’t make me much better than her, when you think about it.
Spitfire: …
Octavia: That’s why I asked. [Sad mumbling.] Why would anyone want to be friends with somepony like her? Or me?
[Long pause.]
Spitfire: Heh, you sound just like me, you know?
Octavia: Yeah. Sure.
Spitfire: No really. I know how Vinyl can seem sometimes. [Pause.] Would you like to hear a story?
Octavia: ...fine.
Spitfire: Well, Vinyl and I were friends growing up, that’s true. But ... I wasn’t so much her best friend as I was her only friend.
Octavia: She didn’t have any other friends?
Spitfire: Pretty much everypony thought she was obnoxious. Or loud. Or annoying.
Octavia: [Sarcasm.] Yeah, not sure where’d they’d that idea …
Spitfire: So pretty much everypony ignored her. Vinyl hated that. Probably why she talks so loud all the time, so everyone has to pay attention. And even though we were friends, sometimes even I really hated her.
Octavia: Really?
Spitfire: She loved to pick on me. Called me Spitshine, Spittoon, Spit-swapper ... mostly spit puns. She wasn’t that original. I actually thought she didn’t like me for a long time, even though I hung out with her and everything.
Octavia: So?
Spitfire: Well, eventually I had to leave for Flight School. We were both still pretty young at the time. Neither one of us had our Cutie Marks. When I told Vinyl I was moving, she didn’t say anything. She acted like it didn’t bother her at all. Tried to play it cool, I guess. So I ended up going to Cloudsdale to learn to fly. After I was there for a couple months, I got a letter from my parents saying Vinyl was in the hospital. I immediately freaked out and flew home.
Octavia: Why was she in the hospital?
Spitfire: That’s exactly what I wanted to know. When I got there, I found out she’d broken her leg. I went right to her room and asked her what had happened. Apparently, she’d fallen out of a tree. She had climbed it, built some little “wings” for her hooves out of cardboard, and jumped out of it. She was trying to fly.
Octavia: …
Spitfire: So I said, “Vinyl, that is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why would you do something like that?” She said, “I wanted to go to Flight School. You have to fly to go to Flight School.” As if it was just common sense or something. When I asked her why she wanted to go there, she was quiet for a minute. That was a first, by the way; seeing her quiet about anything. And she just looked up and said, “I wanted to see you again.”
Octavia: She said that?
Spitfire: Yep. Evidently, all she had done while I was gone was figure out ways to come see me. [Pause.] I didn’t know what to say to that. After that I always wrote to her and visited when I could, but with my job, we still hardly see each other. To be honest, I was kind of glad when I heard you two on the radio. I figured Vinyl had found someone else she could actually be herself around.
Octavia: I ... I never knew any of that.
Spitfire: I’m not surprised. Vinyl doesn’t talk about her feelings much, but she has them. She’ll act like nothing bothers her, laugh, and make fun of you ... but she’ll also never tell you a lie, she’ll never cross the line once it’s been drawn, and she’ll never, ever, let you down when you really need her. [Gives a nervous laugh.] Sorry. I’m rambling a lot today I guess. Did I at least answer your question?
Octavia: ...yeah. Yes, I think it does.
[Door slams open.]
DJ-P0n3: Alright! I’m back! Sorry, it took me a few minutes to find this.
Spitfire: A camera?
DJ-P0n3: Yep. Just got it yesterday. For free, too!
[Octavia coughs.]
Octavia: Well, I guess we should go back on the air. Um, where’s that button?
DJ-P0n3: Oh, you’re already on the air.
Octavia: Huh? Wait, how did you--
Spitfire: What’s the camera for?
DJ-P0n3: To take a picture! Duh! Just have to set it up right here ... [Sounds of tripod being set up.] There we go! Get up here Spitfire.
Spitfire: What’s this for?
DJ-P0n3: This is the best episode ever, so I always want to remember it with a picture of my best friends! [Pause.] Hey.
Octavia: What?
DJ-P0n3: Well, get up here! We’re friends, right?
Octavia: ... yeah. Of course we are …
[Sounds of footsteps.]
DJ-P0n3: And let me just get her too. Alright, now everypony smile!
[Shutter snaps.]
DJ-P0n3: Awesome!
Spitfire: Well, I suppose it’s time for me to get going. We should do this again though.
DJ-P0n3: The studio door is always open for you.
Spitfire: That’s good to know.
[They hug.]
Spitfire: Bye Scratch.
DJ-P0n3: Till next time …
[Door opens, then quietly shuts.]
DJ-P0n3: Well, I thought that was a pretty good interview, don’t you think?
[Octavia says nothing.]
DJ-P0n3: Something wrong?
Octavia: You knew we were on the air already …
DJ-P0n3: Yeah ... turns out somepony actually left the radio on downstairs.
Octavia: ... you heard everything, didn’t you?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. Guess I did.
[Long silence.]
Octavia: Listen, I--
DJ-P0n3: You’re wrong, you know.
Octavia: Huh?
DJ-P0n3: You said nopony cares what you have to say. That’s not true. It’s a pretty dumb thing to say. Cause I can tell you, at least one pony does ...
[Uncomfortable silence.]
Octavia: So ... what are you doing after the show?
DJ-P0n3: I dunno.
Octavia: You want to go get something to eat after this?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. I’d like that. [Pause.] Whoa! Sorry about that folks! Things got sappy there for a second! That’s no way to end a show! These things always have to go out on a big laugh ... um ... wait I know!
[Clicks button. Fart noise. Dead silence for almost a minute.]
Octavia: [Genuine laugh.] Way to kill the mood there, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: It’s what I do best! That’s our show! See you next time folks!
[End of tape.]
[Spitfire remained a loyal friend of the show well into present day, returning to the show frequently enough to nearly be considered a regular character.]
[After the airing of this episode, fan letters flooded K-COLT in droves. Almost all of them were addressed to Octavia, and almost all of them assured Octavia that they, in fact, also cared what she had to say. Octavia never threw these letters away and many of them still decorate the studio walls.]
[Vinyl Scratch said in a later interview on “Late Night with Lyra and Bon-Bon” that she has only had one and only one picture she felt important enough to frame: the very same photograph she took on that memorable episode. She said she keeps it on her desk at the studio, so she can look at it everyday.]