I’m sorry for listening to everything on your tape recorder, Valiant. It really was quite fascinating, and I’m impressed how well you’ve documented everything. I appreciate when you made the switch to talking in past tense all the way back at the beginning of the tape. I think it makes the story flow better.
I’ve seen you using the recorder before, but strangely you never mentioned it in your narrative. It’s somewhat entertaining to listen to your parodies of everypony’s voice. Speaking of that, I need to find out who this totallynotabrony is. My best guess at the moment is some kind of alter ego.
Anyway, I felt a little guilty about intruding on your privacy—er, even if you included several plans to murder me—so I left this message to apologize.
Twilight! I think he started a fire at the west end of town.
*clunk of tape recorder being set down*
Spike’s talking about you. I should probably go see how the battle is going.
Twilight’s gone now. I should probably say that it’s not really a battle, just you tearing Ponyville apart trying to kill the Black Twins. I don’t know if you know that or not. Twilight was saying that you went crazy, and I don’t know if crazy ponies know what they’re doing.
I can kinda see why you went nuts, though. I mean, zombies are bad news. I’m glad you’re trying to solve the problem instead of curling up into a ball and whimpering. I totally would have done the same thing.
Uh, I mean the solving the problem thing. Yeah.
*sound of door opening*
Spike, have you seen my dad around?
Oh, hey Trixie. Yeah, he’s down at the west end of town burning things.
Like, all of them?
All of the things? I think so. After the funeral, he went a little nuts. That was two days ago.
*clip clop of hooves coming closer, thump of Trixie’s protective lead block being set down*
Spike, why do you have his tape recorder?
Well, he’s not using it and I thought that as much as he documented everything he would want to know what happened during this little freakout episode.
I really hope he calms down soon. I got my cutie mark back! Well, I suppose not really back because it’s different than the one I had before, but I really want to show him. He’ll be so proud of me.
Huh, that’s an interesting cutie mark. I don’t know what it is, but it’s interesting.
I’m pretty sure dad can tell me more about it. I’m going to go find him.
Here, you take the recorder.
Dad, remember when you taught me that phrase ‘Go big or go home’? Well I have to say, you’ve gone so big that a lot of ponies don’t have homes to go back to. Two solid days of wielding weapons, building new weapons, and wielding those has really done a number on the town. I also would have thought that you would collapse from exhaustion before now.
Oh wait, I see your plan now. You’ve got a war of attrition planned for Black Twins. One of you has to break first. At the rate you’re going, this plan could work.
*distant explosion*
Was that…was that some kind of rocket? I can only imagine why you built that.
*distant machinegun fire*
Well, I know why you built that. The twins have some sort of shielding spell, but from what Twilight taught me, those have a limit. With a high enough volume of fire, you should be able to get through.
I just hope you manufactured enough ammunition.
It’s Trixie again. I just talked to Rainbow Dash. Besides being a bitch, she told me about what she saw of the fighting. It didn’t seem wise to go to that part of town myself. Luckily she was stupid enough to go have a look. Apparently you paused long enough to shoot at her. Sorry to tell you, she’s fine.
Anyway, the rocket that blew up earlier was apparently a small test platform. Once you calm down, remind me to ask you what NASA is. I don’t have to go over there to see the new rocket. It’s so tall that it makes Town Hall look tiny. The Mayor seems upset that you didn’t get a zoning permit. Hey Fluttershy, hold this for a moment.
What is it? Oh, is that Valiant’s recorder? I don’t think he would like somepony else touching it.
I don’t think he’s in a position to care at the moment. I’ll be right back.
*sounds of fumbling with hooves*
Is it on? I think it’s on.
*whimper*
I don’t like fire.
Fluttershy! I’m so happy I found you!
Hi Pinkie.
After Granny Smith’s funeral totally conflicted with our wedding plans, we need to make some new ones. It was so terrible that we had the whole wedding ready to go right after the burial, which looking back on it might have been poor planning, but at least everypony would have been right there and ready to attend. Stupid zombies ruining my plans. Er, not that I think Granny Smith is stupid or—Wow, is that Valiant’s tape recorder? We should record some cool songs. I’m sure he’ll love them. Well, maybe not love them, but maybe he’ll at least laugh when he’s going through the whole tape to listen to it.
I don’t think…
*accordion music*
Makin’ a song to tape record, doin’ it because I’m bored! When the tape spins, it makes me happy like I’m with my friends. I’m singin’ my lungs out, quite unlike a trout, which is because a trout is a fish and breathes with gills instead of lungs, and…hmm, the song needs some work. Give me a few minutes to think and come up with something better.
Hey dad, I just spoke to the Mayor. I told her that because the rocket is a vehicle and not a fixed structure, you shouldn’t need a permit to build. She wants you to demonstrate a liftoff to prove that, though.
I had to wrestle the recorder back from Pinkie. She seemed to think you would appreciate a nice polka. I swear, sometimes I think she’s actually the local radioactive pony.
Speaking of that, I have some bad news. As I was coming back from Town Hall, a blue box appeared out of thin air. A stallion who looked exactly like Time Turner stepped out, gave me an envelope, and got back in. The box disappeared as suddenly as it arrived.
I read the letter. Due to some, uh…wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff, there’s a very real chance that I could re-mutate. I have to be careful with my magic output. In fact, I might be pushing it by carrying around this recorder. There is some medicine that can treat the symptoms, however. I’m on my way to Zecora’s place to see if she can make it.
I don’t know why Trixie left this tape recorder with me as she was passing by the farm. She said something about using less magic until a cure could be found. I had a listen to some of the stuff on the tape, and I’m not impressed by your impression of me, Valiant. I ain’t got no accent.
I can see the smoke from town. All those wooden stands in the market, probably. I think it’s safe to assume the market is closed today. That’s all right, I needed to do some work at home. I have to go get Fluttershy and see what she can do about the beavers that are flooding the orchard again. Maybe if they go so far as to cancel school, Apple Bloom can help. I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Miss Cheerilee has been a lot more assertive lately. Come to think of it, that started after she went with us to Shining and Cadance’s wedding. Does that sound about right, Big Mac?
How should I know?
Even with that silly Crusaders love plot, you were still friends with Cheerilee, right?
Eeyup, but that don’t mean we talk much. She could be a vampire and I could be a werewolf and neither of us would ever know.
That’s kind of a strange comparison, Big Mac.
Eeyup.
I don’t think you should be touching that, Apple Bloom.
This looks like Valiant’s recorder. What’s it doing here?
We could take it back to him.
That’s a great idea, Scootaloo!
Cutie Mark Crusader…um, Tape Recorder Returners?
We really need to come up with better names for this stuff.
I thought you were the dictionary!
That doesn’t help when you need a thesaurus!
*several minutes of robot noises*
Whoa! Did you see that?
Uh, girls, I think we might be in the danger zone here.
Hey, this is a good opportunity! We’ve tried lots of stuff with fire, everything except putting them out!
Cutie Mark Crusader Fire Putter-Outers!
Firefighters.
Shut up, Sweetie Belle.
Rarity, where is your sister and the other Crusaders?
I’m sorry, I haven’t the slightest clue.
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I found the tape recorder lying in the street and their voices are the last ones on it. At any rate, I called all of you here today because Princess Celestia will be coming to town soon with a special guest.
I got my hooves shined just like Rarity for the occasion!
I just wish Princess Celestia wasn’t so late.
Well Spike, she is bringing a special visitor. That could be part of it.
Uh, Twilight?
Hang on, Spike.
*muttering*
Oh! Princess Celestia…Discord? HOW COULD YOU BRING DISCORD HERE? Uh, your majesty.
*various screams and accusations, mostly overridden by Pinkie’s voice, perhaps involving dollops of whipped cream*
I’m fully aware that the last time Discord was here he created serious havoc, but I have use for his magic, if it can be reformed.
*fragmented recording*
Make that bunny cute again, now!
*static*
Dad, did you hear that shit? I recorded over the rest of their conversation because it wasn’t important, but I think it’s pretty clear that Celestia has ulterior motives. I’ll check into it.
As for Discord, I thought you killed him. I mean, at least you blew him up with that hydrogen filled airship. The stone covering his body was cracked and broken, but it looked like it had been glued back together. I personally haven’t seen Discord yet, so I don’t know if he’s all in one piece under the stone.
Oh, and angry beavers are building an industrial-strength dam near Sweet Apple Acres. I thought you might get a chuckle out of that.
I’m standing across the bridge from Fluttershy’s house. Or rather, where it used to be. Right now, it’s uprooted from the ground and turning slowly in midair. I think it’s safe to assume Discord is in there.
*magic noises*
Why hello there! You must be Trixie.
Uh, I guess that makes you Discord.
The one and only. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m feeling a little disjointed at the moment. Being crushed and exploded inside a statue sometimes does that.
I’d heard that you were made of a lot of different animals, but it looks like you went through a meat grinder before being put back together.
*meat grinder noises*
Like this?
That’s disgusting.
It was your idea. At any rate, yes, I was broken up a bit. Fortunately, immortals can’t really die, or Chaos forbid, be turned into zombies. I only needed a bit of help with the resurrection. As it happened a couple of nice unicorns happened along with just the spell I needed. I really should find them and thank them. Speaking of resurrection, I sense some powerful age spells were performed on you, my dear.
That’s right.
Fun! How about some aging spells right now!
*rumble*
What are you doing?
Digging for fossils, of course. I haven’t done an age spell in ages and ages, so I’d like a challenge. Ah, a nice tyrannosaurus rex.
*magic noises, bones rattling, a loud roar*
A dinosaur skeleton?!
Why yes, I do love a nice premodern pet now and again. Say, little girl, are you interested in taking care of a nice t-rex?
Discord! What are you doing out of the house?
*fluttering wings of an arriving pegasus*
I know you love animals, Fluttershy. I was just checking with Trixie to see if she would let you take care of her pet dinosaur for a while.
It’s not my—
Fluttershy, Trixie, we’ve come to get you away from Discord! He’s just terrible and from the looks of it, completely out of control.
Actually Twilight, we’re making great progress. He’s even given Trixie a new pet.
You don’t underst—
*t-rex roar*
See, they get along great.
Seriously?
I’m just earning his trust by giving him some space to be himself.
Hate to break it to you, but he used all that space to tear out all the pages with reforming spells from the library.
Well, that does explain the paper eating.
HE ATE THEM?
*sound of hoof hitting face*
Tell you what, I’ll invite you all to a dinner party tonight. I’m sure his manners will have improved a lot by then. Discord, could you please put cottage back on the ground?
Certainly.
*crash*
Uh, I think I’ll skip dinner. I really need to go find my dad.
You might need a lot of luck for that, Trixie. Most of the reason we’re here is because Ponyville has become mostly uninhabitable.
I should be fine. He said radioactivity would help a lot if I ever found myself in a wasteland.
Before you go Trixie, can I borrow the tape recorder? Valiant will probably want to know how the dinner party went.
Twilight thinks she’s making notes as the meal progresses. Won’t she be surprised when she finds out that I’ve secretly been recording a little song for her?
Now this is the story all about how
Ponyville got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute, you just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the Prince of Chaos everywhere
In west Draconequustia born and raised
On the chaosground where I spent most of my days
Chillaxing, relaxing, being all cool
Playing with cotton candy clouds and shooting pool
When a couple of alicorns, they were no fun
Caught up with my trouble, had me on the run
I got in one little fight and Celestia decreed
She said, ‘You're getting sealed up in stone for your evil deeds.’
I hung out for a while and one time I got out
Only to get put freshly returned by some ponies with clout
They were led by this one purple mare
Yes Twilight, I name-dropped you right there
Out again, on parole this time
Celestia thinks I’ll commit no more crimes
But look at all this opportunity in front of us
To let me again be the Prince of Chaos
*rabbit noises*
Angel, wait! Come back with that recorder!
Forget Angel, look at those beavers!
*distant machine gun fire*
*close machine gun fire*
*indistinct explicatives being shouted in a loud voice*
Beauty, did you see that rabbit with a tape recorder?
You have an angry pony with an M60 in front of you, and you’re focused on something like that?
Good point. I am kind of interested to know how Valiant managed to build an M60.
And a skateboard.
To be honest, the Saturn V was the most surprising thing.
True.
Angel, what are you doing here? Oh, thanks for the recorder, dad will want this back. Huh? What are you trying to tell me?
*rabbit noises*
Machinegun? Over there? Thanks for the tip. Come on, Rexy.
*t-rex roar*
Dad!
*machinegun fire*
Dad!
I’M BUSY!
Too busy to see your daughter ride her first dinosaur?
I…what?
She has a tyrannosaurus skeleton, Blackwood.
I can see that. I think perhaps bringing back Discord was a bad idea.
YOU ASSHOLES DID WHAT!
Dad, no!
WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE?
*skateboard noises*
Well Trixie, it’s been two days and this is the first time he’s stopped shooting.
Shut up. Both of you. Hey, where do you think you’re going?
Well, two days is a long time. We’re bored.
Get back here, or I’ll tell this dinosaur to eat you!
It doesn’t have a stomach. What do you know about necromancy, anyway?
I’m sorry, dad. I know you would have wanted me to go after them, but I had to check on you.
*machinegun fire*
DEAD…THINGS…STAY…DEAD!
Come now, Valiant, I think this is a bit of an overreaction?
Valiant—yipe!—it’s true, Discord is reformed!
This isn’t working, Twilight. Not that you could reason with my dad before, but this is a whole new level of crazy.
I could just fly over there and take the gun away from him.
You know he would try to kill you too, Rainbow.
I just hope Princess Celestia doesn’t show up. That would be the worst possible thing! We know how Valiant feels about her.
Horseapples, is that—!
*explosion*
*static*
There! I wasn’t sure we could get this working again. These small audio electronics can’t take much abuse.
Thanks a lot, Vinyl.
*door close*
*sound of walking*
That might have been the most destructive final showdown Ponyville has ever seen. At the moment you’re still unconscious, dad. I’ll wait until you wake up and let you observe the results for yourself.
*door open*
Hey Nurse Redheart, can I see my dad?
He needs his rest.
I'm sure he's getting it.
Hey, wait!
*hooves on a tile floor*
Sir Win, what are you doing here?
Well, I’m a demon of my word. If there was the slightest chance that Valiant was going to die, I thought I should be present. I did give him his soul for his birthday, after all.
Oh, that’s right. He said it was a one-time deal.
Correct, and he hasn’t used that one time yet. He’s a very stubborn pony, always clinging to life.
Um, yeah. Anyway, do you know where his personal effects are?
The skateboard and the machinegun? I believe they’ve been stashed under the bed.
Thanks. Hmm, maybe I could learn to use this stuff while he’s recovering.
Knowing your father as I do, he would probably find that to be very badass, Trixie.
I'll make him proud.