Conversion Bureau: St George

by kryxel

episode 2 part 2: what do you do with a drunken pony?

Berry Punch was bored. She did not have anything to do today and so was wandering the halls, looking for something, ANYTHING to do. She was passing room 42 when suddenly a human crashed through the door and landed on the ground. The human stood up and used both his hands to dust himself off. "OI! What did you do that for, you twit?"
Berry turned to see a human who was missing one of his forelegs (arms Berry, arms) step out of the room and pick up the skinny guy again. "Hal. I only have one thing to say. Mention my mother in that way again, and I will toss you head first into the river. Understood?" Hal nodded as the soldier sets him back down. "She ain’t my type anyway." Hal started walking away as Victor returned to the room. He looked at the smashed door and marveled that he was able to toss the little rat through a swinging door, without it swinging. His other two roommates were still on their beds. "Sorry," he said while sitting back down on his bed. Sales nods and Terrence... well, Terrence had not even woken up from his sleep.
Victor laid back and lands on something... warm. And furry. And breathing. He looks up and sees the pinkish purple pony that he almost fell on top of, sitting on his bed. "Hi. I’m Berry Punch," she said with a smile. "Victor. Victor Krum," he replied as he sits back up. "Sorry about the door. I will pay to have it fixed." Berry laughed. "That’s okay. We’ve had entire rooms disintegrated by new unicorns, so the construction team would probably be glad if they only have to fix a door. So anyway, care to have a walk?"
Victor arched an eyebrow. These were strange little equines. "A walk."
"Yes, a walk. You know, moving the legs, advancing at a steady pace through a field... Actually, you know what? Just down the hill a ways from here is a track around a football field. Used to belong to the local high school until the school closed.
Victor blinked. "A run would suit me just fine, want to come, little pony?"
Berry laughed. "Of course, I would love to. Also, my name is Berry. Don’t forget it!"
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A few minutes later the two of them were on the track of what used to be Pine View High School. The school had long since been replaced by a bar, a convenience store, and a few slum homes.
Victor did not mind this. All he saw was the stadium seats and the passing of the yard lines. He felt alive, his arm swinging and pumping slightly to build momentum. By his side, Berry was keeping up with a canter.
"So, what is your story?" Berry said, looking up.
"Well, I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I killed a grizzly with my dinner spoon when I was four... Oh, and I single handedly saved the world. Five times. And no-one ever thanks me for any of it," Victor said without even a smile.
Berry laughed and started galloping. "Oh, you must be kidding." She turned her head his way. "Ever been a drinker?"
Victor smirked. "What does a pony from Rainbow Land, where everything is sunshine and smiles, know about drinking?"
Berry slowed down. "I know how to make a great wine. I know that vodka can be added to everything. I know that synthol is never as good as the real deal. Oh, and Equestrian beer is more potent than the watered down drivel that passes for beer here."
Victor laughed. "Oh, I bet I could drink you under the table!"
Berry laughed as well. "I’m sure you can’t... but I can’t at the moment. I am still on the wagon."
Victor nodded. "Well, I may not know much about Equestria, but in my platoon we always drank to welcome a new friend. Would you at least allow me to drink to meeting you?"
Berry nodded her head. "sure, I would love that.
"Well, as the bureau does not allow drinks inside... Let’s go to the bar. It’s close enough."
Berry nodded again. "Just remember, no alcohol for me."
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The first thing Berry noticed about the "bar" that they walked into was the smell.
It had a tangy odor of fermented wines, hops and oats and a sprinkling of urine and puke.
Nothing like an Equestrian bar.
She noticed the neon signs still flickering and even the old, well-worn pool table. She glanced around until she saw what she was looking for.
THE bar staple of any true bar anywhere in the worlds: The Jukebox.
She trotted up to it and with a swift move, practiced with her years on the vineyard, she gave the side a nice, solid buck.
The kegtapper kick bumped the jukebox, and "red solo cup" started playing.
Victor ordered a B.O.O.D light, and started drinking as Berry sat down beside him in a booth.
"So, why is it that you know so much about wine and beer and stuff like that?" Victor asked the pony.
"Well, I run the great galloping grapes vineyard. It has been in the Punch family for several generations, you know. We fought the hostile takeover by the cider and soda families, and established ourselves as the best winemakers in Equestria... Or at least in Ponyville anyway. Our main export is the bubbly red to Sugarcube Corner."
Berry smiled, lost in memories for a moment.
Victor nodded. "Ahh... Well, why don’t you have just one sip. Just enough to keep your tasting buds up and running. You’ll need them for when you go back, right?"
Berry blinked at the comment. "Well, of course. The taste test is a very important part of winemaking..."
Victor ordered a shot of human sinthawine. "It is not real wine, so it would not count right?"
Berry looked at it. "I don’t know, it just does not seem right."
Victor laughed. "Well, it is. Trust me."
Berry looks up at the honest soldier, then back at the cup... before downing it in one quick gulp.
The barkeep looked a little concerned at Victor. "Can she handle that caliber? They upgraded the formula you know..."
Victor looked a little startled at the barkeep. "Upgraded how?"
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AHHHHH WANNA ROC AND ROLLL AWWW NAIIIGHT. AND PAWTY AVERY DAY! AHHH WANNA ROC AND ROLL ALL NAIGHT. AND PAWTY AVERY DAY!" Berry sang, as Victor carried her back into the bureau.
Ditzy was the first to arrive and take a look at Victor and Berry. "Oh my, what happened?"
"I took her out. Drinking."
Colgate levitated Berry who had started singing “ninety-nine apples attached to the tree” to their room, as Doctor Whoof trotted in. "So, how much did she drink?"
"One shot." Victor deadpanned.
"One shot... That drunk, from one shot. You have got to be kidding me. It is statistically and physically impossible, to get THAT drunk from just one shot."
Victor sighed, and pulled a small flask out of his pocket. "Try. And then tell me what you think."
Doctor Whoof shook his head. "There is simply no way that this," he said as he downed the bottle, "can make me...”
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The Doctor was sitting in his office, when the tan stallion came trotting in with the stallion’s tie tied around his head. "MY GOD I FORGOT HOW THE HUMANS LOVED TO PARTY. GUESS WHAT. BERRYS DRUNK. FROM ONE SHOT. AND GUESS WHAT! I AM TOO! IS THAT NOT JUST SUPER! I MEAN JUST REALLY...”
The pony slipped, and bumped into the desk. When he manages to get back up, somehow having gotten to the other side of the desk in the process, his eyes make a mostly successful attempt at out-derping his wife. "YOU KNOW, PEOPLE KEEP ON SAYING "THE DOC" AND WE BOTH GO LIKE "WHAAAT?" BUT I WAS THINKING, SHH SHH SHH, DUDE... THINKING THAT WE SHOULD HAVE DIFFRENT NAMES. LIKE YOU BE, WHATS YOURS, OH RIGHT YOU ARE "TENNANT" WELL YOU CAN BE TENNANT AND I CAN BE WHOOVES." And with that the pony falls over one more time, loudly snoring, as Victor entered the office.
"Sorry sir. I did not think he would just down it like that. He will be regretting that hang over in the morning."
The Doctor sighed, as the two of them file out of the office, carrying the sleeping stallion between them.
After having delivered the drunk pony to a place where he could sleep, he returned to his office, sitting down behind his desk and putting his feet on top of it. "So... That is what it is like, to see yourself drunk..."