Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 2
By CDRW
The first thing Twilight realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of the universe itself. A more malevolent being would have created a hellish wasteland filled to the brim with suffering, while a benevolent one would have ensured that when she woke up, it would be sans any memory of last night.
Twilight's brain, in a desperate effort to spare what was left of her crumbling sanity, immediately purged itself of the first realization and its disturbing theological implications in order to deal with the much more important issue of the second—that she remembered last night with perfect clarity. Since her brain (and the Universe) hadn't done the responsible thing and repressed the memory while she slept, she had to figure out some other way to deal with it.
Thinking was inevitable. Twilight thought, therefore she was, and Twilight was, therefore she thought. All she could do was try to channel it in the right direction. The right direction being straight into a wall, or barring that, off a cliff. Thus was the careful reasoning behind her first thought of the day.
Of course I haven't seen Celestia excuse herself to use the restroom. What kind of princess announces to the world that she needs to potty?
As first thoughts went, it wasn't bad. Not bad at all. It solved her dilemma admirably. It implicitly answered the question at the core of the issue, satisfying both reason and curiosity without delving too deep into the subject matter. She would have preferred something that completely invalidated the idea that Celestia ever used the bathroom as a first thought, but she would take what she could get.
In short, everything was good. Her sanity was battered but intact, and she could move on to other important matters, like discovering a fundamental particle of friendship in order to complete her Unified Model of Magic.
Twilight slowly opened her eyes, and that was when she made her third discovery, that she had been sleeping in her own bed at the library. It was a slightly perplexing discovery because she didn't remember ever going home, but one that she embraced happily because it lent credence to the new and wonderful theory that last night was all just a particularly vivid nightmare.
***
The first thing Princess Luna realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of ponykind itself. No one else had the sense of humor it took to invent the hangover.
The second thing she realized was that her sister was standing over her bed, watching her sleep.
Luna groaned. As realizations go, that was a very unsettling one to have while in the throes of alcohol-induced agony. If there was one thing she had learned over the millennia, it was that whenever Celestia watched you sleep, Bad Things happened when you woke up. Those Bad Things often involved the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Good morning, Luna,” Celestia said in a voice oozing with malice. “I believe you have a letter to write.”
Pretending to still be unconscious was not an option, so Luna did the next best thing. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over Celestia's hooves.
The resulting shriek was eardrum-shredding, skin-peeling, brain-pulping music to her ears.
Ha ha! The headache has been doubled!
***
Twilight threw back the covers and hopped out of bed, humming cheerfully as she set about her morning routine. Since it was all just a dream, she was freed from the need to worry about what happened. She showered, brushed her mane, and went downstairs to see what Spike had prepared for breakfast, and the entire time, not a single stray thought about the micturition habits of alicorns crossed her mind.
Twilight walked downstairs, and as she approached the kitchen, she heard several voices coming from the the other side of the door, including one that sounded suspiciously like Rainbow Dash asking when the food was going to be done. As she came closer, the rest of the voices resolved into those of her friends chatting overtop the sound of clattering of kitchenware.
"If you're so anxious to get your vittles, maybe you could stand to give the rest of us a helpin' hoof!" Applejack's voice snapped.
"Nah, you've got things covered. I'd just get in the way, right, Rarity?"
"Pinkie! You don't put frosting on pancakes!"
"See? Rarity agrees."
Twilight eased the door open with a bit of trepidation, and she was rewarded for her efforts with a roomful of silent staring ponies.
Applejack was standing over the stove with a spatula in her mouth and an unflipped pancake on the end. Rainbow Dash hovered near the ceiling in the center of the room, and Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood next to a plate that was heaped with a towering pile of flapjacks, the former levitating a butter knife covered in frosting that she had evidently just taken away from Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy was pouring orange juice into a row of glasses on the counter, the second to last one overflowing. Spike sat alone at the table, munching on a bowl of gems and milk.
"Good morning, everypony!" Twilight greeted them cheerfully as she eyed the stack of pancakes. "Those look good. Is there a special occasion?"
Rarity was the first to recover her composure. Tossing the butter knife into the sink with a dirty look at Pinkie, she said, "Good... morning, Twilight. No, there's no special occasion. We just felt like it would be good to have breakfast ready for you when you woke up." She simultaneously guided Twilight over to a seat at the table and floated the plate of pancakes down in front of her. Then she took the now empty pitcher from Fluttershy and grabbed a dish towel with her magic to try and wipe up the puddle of orange juice on the counter. "How are you feeling by the way?"
"Oh, I'm great!" Twilight said as she dug her fork into the pancake. "I slept wonderfully, and it sure is a beautiful morning outside. The weather team looks like they went all out today!"
"Nah, we're just that good," Rainbow Dash said as she swooped down low to take a seat next to Twilight. The blue pegasus stole a pancake off her plate and started munching on it, speaking around a mouthful of food as she went on. "You sure you're alright though?"
Twilight cocked a quizzical eyebrow at her friend. "Of course I am. why wouldn't I be?"
"Oh, it's just that you seemed a little upset last night," Fluttershy said quietly as she on Twilight's other side.
"Last night?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "You know, last night, when you went AAAAAAAAH and then fainted. That's usually Rarity's thing and it seemed kinda weird when you did it so we carried you home—well actually Big Macintosh carried you home because you're heavier than you look—and we decided to have a slumber party at your place and make you breakfast when you woke up so that you wouldn't go crazy and cast a spell that makes everypony in town love boiled spinach."
Twilight took a moment to swallow a bite of pancake and think before replying. "Hmmm... I don't remember that."
Applejack's disbelieving voice broke into her good mood. "Uhh, you don't remember the princesses stoppin' by our cider tasting, and Princess Luna gettin' so hammered that Celestia had to go an—"
"NO!" Twilight leveled her fork at her friend. "That was all a dream! It didn't happen! Princess Luna never drank any hard cider, and Princess Celestia didn't get embarrassed about her, and Princess Luna didn't make any drunken toilet puns, and I never, ever, ever thought about how I haven't ever seen Celestia excuse herself to use the bathroom and that doesn't matter anyway because PRINCESSES DON'T POTTY!"
The only sounds that broke the dead silence in the room were those of Spike belching a long plume of fire and the soft plop of a rolled up scroll as it fell to the table.