In the land of Equestria, there are many 'What Ifs'. What if Applejack had stayed in Manehatten and become a cultured businessmare? What if Twilight had become friends with Lyra, Bon Bon, The Doctor, Derpy and Big Macintosh instead Pinkie and the rest? What if Zecora was a rapper (it isn't racist if she is a zebra!)? What if Celestia had been Nightmare Moon instead of Luna and they just kept making fan fic after fan fic about that scenario? But the biggest, most pressing ‘what if’ will be addressed here, good readers!
What if Bill Cosby's Floating Head was a cast member of the show?
[img] http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/1911.jpg[/img]
Applejack sighed as she bucked the tree, sending a nice load of red, juicy apples dropping into her bucket. It wasn't the apples that were making her sigh... she honestly didn't think there was any possible way for apples to make her upset. No, what was making her sigh was the constant stream of whiny complaints from the little filly next her, a certain Apple Bloom. Normally, Applejack wouldn't have minded so much, chalking up the whimpering list of issues as just the normal angst every filly felt. But Applejack found her mood already sour, as she had spent much of the night before trying to wrestle Granny Smith into the tub and thus had not gotten her normal 8 hours of rest.
"Apple Bloom, ya just have to accept that ya'll get your cutie mark when it is time for it to come and not a moment sooner. Ya have to be patient!" Applejack forced herself not to scream the words, remembering that such actions never tempered a filly's complaints (at least they hadn't with her!).
The filly in question stomped her hoof in frustration. "BUT I WANT-"
"No... none of that," Applejack said sternly, stopping the meme before it began. "Shame on you."
Apple Bloom scuffed her hoof against the ground. "I just want to know why I haven't gotten my cutie mark."
"There could be lots of reasons, darlin'," Applejack drawled. "You might not be old enough or you might not have found your special talent-"
"I think its cause you're the product of incest!" Bill Cosby's Float Head proclaimed, popping up next to the two earth ponies.
"WHAT?!?" Apple Bloom screamed, staring at the floating head of the old African American comedian.
"Uh, Bill?" Applejack stammered nervously, glancing around quickly. "Maybe now isn't the best time-"
Bill merely continued to grin as he spoke to Applebloom. "I think it is pretty clear that your sister let her big brother put his boppity bop in her zoppity zop until it went gloppity glop!" Bill Cosby's Floating Head proclaimed. "You are a genetic freak and a crime against nature, ya see!"
Apple Bloom stared at her sister, who was biting her lip and looking anywhere but her sister's direction. "Is this true?" she shouted in horror.
"...eeyup," Big Macintosh said as he trotted by.
"Called it!" Bill proclaimed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Apple Bloom raced off, ignoring her sister's pleas for her to come back and let her explain.
"Why did ya have to go and tell her that?" Applejack screeched, turning toward Bill Cosby's Floating Head and shaking her right hoof at him. "Now she is gonna be scarred for life! You have some nerve... what do you have to say for yourself?"
Bill blinked, considering his words carefully. "Nothin’ beats Jell-O Puddin’! Zip zip zip zaroo!"
The God Squad
Episode 28: I'm not gay, I'm Griffish
A week had gone by since the godly beings (and Shining Armor) had departed on the E.S. Lindsey Lohan. They were leaving Equestria behind and heading towards the great isle of Griffland, home of the griffin empire and their first stop on their worldly tour that would lead them to the changeling hive (plot point for the win!). The sea was fair, the sky was bright, and they were all thinking the same thing:
"I can't wait to kill me some griffins!" Tydal said, rubbing his hooves together in murderous glee
Ok, maybe they weren't ALL thinking the same thing.
"I have my new flank kicking shoes on!" Luna said in glee, lifting up her leg to display the spiked horseshoe she wore. "I was going to try them out on Prince Blueblood, but this will work even better!" Luna began to trot along the deck in glee. “These shoes are made for ass kickin’, and that is what they’ll do! One of these days these shoes are going to ass kick you too!”
Shining, who had finally managed to stop throwing up 12 hours ago (having never been on a boat before and discovering he was very much a land pony), glanced over and frowned. "Princess, those are golf shoes."
Luna nodded. "Correct, golf shoes."
"Why would you think they would be flank kicking shoes?"
"Uh... because that is how golf is played, by kicking flanks and taking names?"
Shining pursed his lips. "Remind me never to play golf with you."
"Aw, come on... I'll give you a handicap!"
The sole cricket that was on board chirped.
Tydal coughed as the joke fell flat.
"You ponies are no fun," Luna said, pouting.
Cadence emerged from the captain's quarters and happily cantered over to them, her mane billowing in the breeze. She had decided that the trip to Griffland meant she could play dress up again and she was wearing a white dress shirt, a black vest with the Griffin Jack emblazed upon the back, a marshmallow style poofy hat, a pair of purple sunglasses, and a rainbow colored skirt.
"'ello gov'nor, wots all 'is 'en?" she proclaimed with a grin, looking at her relatives and husband.
Tydal, Luna and Shining just gave her cold stares. "Please... stop talking like that," Luna finally stated.
"Talkin' like wot, gov'nor?" Cadence said with a huge grin, ignoring their sour looks.
Tydal groaned. "Like an ignorant little gutter snipe!" He began to trot along the deck, his face twisted into a sneer as he lectured her. "Why you feel the need to butcher a native tongue I will never know!"
"Cause it be fun, gov'nor! It like 'Talk like a Pirate Day' 'cept there be more interestin' words ta insult tarts wit’. Fish and chips! Bangers and mash! Bob's your uncle!"
Luna shook her head in pain. "Uh, don't mention our Uncle Bob, ok?"
"Why not?" Shining asked, confused.
"Because he had a little operation and Bob our uncle is now Fanny our aunt," Luna replied.
"...ok then," Shining said, wishing he had just stayed quiet.
Tydal ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "I understand you want to immerse yourself in the Griffish culture but you don't need to talk like some Trottingham whore. You should be speaking like a lady!" No one pointed out the irony that the most violent of them was preaching culture and class (wait, is that ironic? Damn you Alanis Morrisette, now I’ll never know what ironic means!). "Now, repeat after me: The knife in the strife ends Shining's life."
"Hey!" Shining shouted. "Can we not use my murder as an example to teach my wife diction?"
"Oooo, I love Shining's-"
"No!" Luna, Shining and Tydal shouted.
"Wot?" Cadence asked in confusion.
"We are not making that joke," Luna stated. Cadence stuck out her lip and pouted.
"Why is Cadence talking like a gutter snipe?" Celestia asked, emerging from the caprtian’s quarters and joining them all on the deck.
"Thank you!" Tydal stated, chest puffed out at having his point proven.
"Just tryin' ta git into the mood, dodger!" Cadence said happily.
Luna shook her head in annoyance. "Why would you think talking like that... or dressing like that... would get you in the mood to visit Griffland?"
"Uh... cus this is 'ow the cool kids in Griffland talk, gov'nor?" Cadence stated.
Tydal's brow furrowed. "I suppose they might talk like that...but most time they are screaming insults and trying to eat you." He and Luna shared a grin as they thought of all the battles and bloodshed that awaited them. "Oh, it is going to be so much fun to fight them!"
Shining, Celestia and Cadence all nervously looked at each other. "You tell them," Shining finally said.
"I think this falls to you, Captain Armor," Celestia told him.
"I ain't bloody well gone tell'em!"Cadence exclaimed. "They'll beats me they wills!"
"What are you three arguing about?" Luna asked.
Shining and Cadence quickly placed their hooves against their noses. Celestia blinking, before exclaiming. "No fair, I didn't know we'd started doing that!" Shining and Cadence merely shrugged and Celestia, now 'it', let out a groan. "Fine... little sister, big brother, there is something I need to tell you about Griffland."
"What is it?" Luna asked. "Do they have a new doomsday weapon?"
"Have they formed an alliance with the camels of Humpistan? That will make the battle harder but-"
Celestia weakly smiled. "Uh, no. You know how you both have been gone for a long... long... long time?" The two nodded; Luna had, of course, been trapped in the moon, while Tydal had been a stone statue after his last battle with Discord. "Well... about 900 years ago, Griffland went through a... revolution."
"You mean a bloody, violent revolution that saw the poor fight the rich and caused the streets to run red with blood?" Luna asked.
"No, I mean a cultural revolution where the griffins decided to focus on developing their minds and putting away their weapons of war. They haven't declared war on anyone in 700 years."
Tydal and Luna just stared at her, the sound of their hearts breaking echoing along the ocean.
"Sorry," Celestia said weakly.
"No... no I don't believe you!" Luna screamed, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are not peaceful, nerdy birdies! They are warriors who will fight us and it will be fun and you are lying!" She fell on her belly and began to pound the deck like she was a toddler. "You're lying, you're lying, why do you lie!" Celestia gathered her up and hugged her sister as Luna dissolved into sobs.
Shining, for his part, was watching Tydal. "Are... are you crying?"
"No," Tydal whimpered, turning away. "I... just have something in my eye!"
"What is in your eye?" Shining asked.
"Saddness!" Tydal sobbed, his body trembling before he grabbed Shining and hugged him like a teddy bear.
"... they truly be noodled up, that's fer true!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Come on, everypony..." Celestia said, trying to calm her little sister down. "I know you were looking forward to a fight but Griffland is great! They have culture and nobility and the finest food they can import from Prance because their food is GHASTLY..."
Shining nodded, managing to push Tydal away. "And they still get into fights!"
"They... they do?" Tydal sniffed.
Shining meekly smiled. "Well... kinda. Instead of bloody battles, they have flyby conversations."
"I say, are you ponies headed into port?" a griffin called out from above them. He was wearing a monocle and a top hat and had a neatly trimmed beard.
"Uh... yes," Shining stated.
"Well, then I will join you!" the griffin landed and stretched his wings. "Hello, I am Downy Thinker the 3rd!" From within his Hammerspace INC flying bag Downy pulled out a tea set and began to pass out cups. "While we wait for them to process our papers we can pass the time telling stories about local architecture! Tell me... would you like to hear an amusing story about a bridge?"
Tydal and Luna began to sob even harder.
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