//------------------------------// // Poison Joke Aftermath and Discovery // Story: Of Earth Ponies and Their Magicks // by bahatumay //------------------------------// Screwball opened her eyes and looked around. My, what a lovely day it was! Listen to the birds singing, and the lovely breeze. What a great day to be alive! She stretched and yawned... before squealing in pain. She looked down to see a series of gashes on her chest. Mercy me! She had been attacked! Screwball looked down at the dried blood that clung to her coat. She should definitely get this looked at, and fast! Wasn't there a hospital in that quaint little town? Ponyville, was it? Lifting herself up, she smiled at the sight of pretty blue flowers all around her, and turned and trotted towards town, slowly, as to not disturb her scratches. Surely there would be some kind ponies there who could help her. * * * As luck would have it, she quickly found a building labeled “Ponyville General Hospital”. How wonderful! Just think, there were ponies who actually devoted their lives to helping others! She smiled happily as she pushed open the door. “Excuse me,” she started. The receptionist looked up from filing her hooves, and quickly dropped the file in surprise. “What happened to you?” she asked. “I'm not sure,” Screwball said truthfully. “I woke up this morning in the forest and these were already there.” The receptionist was already frantically skimming through the folder on her desk. “I think he's free... no, just went into surgery... he might... no... she's... Wait. We have a nurse visiting, she's available right now.” “I'll wait,” Screwball said pleasantly. “No, no, she'll be waiting, room A-113 right down that hall. Go! Now!” * * * Screwball flexed the bandages on her chest. Even though her gashes weren't completely covered yet, she said, “Thank you ever so much, Nurse Redheart. I'm feeling better already.” The white unicorn smiled. “Oh, I'm always ready to help. Now, I seem to have run out, so let me go get you some more bandages. And when I'm done, you should probably go see the police about these scratches. These definitely look intentional.” Screwball smiled and settled on the table. Quickly becoming bored, she began looking around the room, examining the blood pressure cuff, the dispenser for the thermometer covers, the many jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, and alcohol, the mirror, the words on her chest, the many locked drawers and wasn't that kindof silly? What if they needed something important from that drawer but it was locked? Wait. Her eyes flicked back to the mirror. Sure enough, that first mark on the left side of her chest (right side in the mirror, wasn't that funny?) almost looked like an 'e'. Turning, she faced the mirror. Slowly, she pulled down her bandages. Her eyes widened as she realized that the gashes on her chest spelled words that she could read in the mirror. 'poIson JokE' Her jaw dropped, and she pressed a hoof against her head as flickers of memories returned, each bringing a tiny stab of pain. A yellow pegasus. Animals running. Blue flowers. But what did it all mean? Redheart returned, and noticed the bewildered look on Screwball's face. She gently placed a hoof on her head. “Are you all right?” she asked. “Do you have a headache? Nausea?” “Yes, I... no, I'm fine.” Screwball pulled up a smile. “This is going to sound like a strange question, but do you know how to cure poison joke?” Redheart frowned in surprise, but quickly shifted back into her smile. “As a matter of fact, I do. The spa on Main street, run by Aloe and Lotus, have a poison joke cure. They run it as a public service. Why?” Screwball smiled. “Just curious. Thank you. You've been more than kind.” * * * Now freshly bandaged, Screwball trotted down the street, eyes moving back and forth as she tried to find the spa. Luckily for her, the ponies who built this town seemed to be preparing for uninformed visitors. For example, the bakery looked just like a giant gingerbread house, and the store that sold Quills and Sofas had a large sign and an outside display. Pictograph signs were everywhere, and sure enough, the spa quickly appeared. Screwball happily trotted up and held the door open for the white unicorn who came trotting behind her. “Oh, thank you,” she said. As the unicorn passed, Screwball noticed a strange red mark across her cutie mark of three diamonds. “Are you quite all right?” Screwball asked. "You aren't hurt, are you?" “Yes and no," the white unicorn confessed. “I have this awful itch, and it simply won't go away. Here, though, they have some things to help, and I always feel better after visiting.” “What a lovely place,” Screwball said. “Oh, I so agree. And it is so pleasant to be in the company of one as polite as yourself. My name is Rarity, and you are?” Rarity. Rarity. Why did that name sound so familiar? “My name is Screwball, but most ponies shorten it to Ball, as in 'Belle of the Ball',” Screwball said. That had come so naturally, so it had to have been the truth. Right? “Charmed,” Rarity said pleasantly. “And now for some comfort.” Screwball noticed how both spa ponies, which seemed to be the exact opposites of each other in color, lit up at the sight of Rarity. “The usual,” Rarity said. “I would like a simple poison joke cure bath, if that's all right?” Screwball requested. Both ponies smiled widely. * * * “So all I have to do is get in?” Screwball asked, poking a tentative hoof at the water. It certainly smelled good, even if it just looked like regular water, and it was nice and warm, too. “Da,” the pink one said in an accent that Screwball couldn't quite place. “Works like magic.” “Magic is good,” Screwball agreed. The pink pony chuckled. “I make own magic with hooves. Works better, and I know it works. Come by for massage some time. I show you real magic.” “She's quite right, you know,” Rarity agreed from the neighboring tub. At least, it was probably Rarity. The cucumber slices and green mud mask she wore made her look alien. “Aloe and Lotus are miracle workers.” “You're too kind,” Aloe said happily, and the two spa ponies turned and left the room to give them some privacy. Screwball slowly lowered herself in. "Like this?" she asked. “Just go under completely, dearie. It's almost too easy,” Rarity explained, still behind her cucumbers. Screwball nodded, took a deep breath, and dunked herself. Her eyes shot open in horror and understanding. She burst from the water, gasping for air. “Don't drown yourself, though,” Rarity chided playfully. Screwball's eyes narrowed. Element of Harmony. And they had almost been friends. Slyly, Screwball stomped with her right rear hoof, and Rarity's mane, unnoticed by her, flared bright pink. “You know, I'm feeling better already. Think I'll go home,” Screwball said. “You could wait in the lounge,” Rarity offered, “and we could go to lunch together.” “Thanks, but no thanks,” Screwball said. “I have... previous commitments.” And without further notice, she jumped out of the tub, spreading water everywhere, shook herself dry like a dog (much to Rarity's dismay), and sprinted out the door. She ran across the lounge towards the outer door, but one doesn't simply pass up an opportunity to create some chaos. Screwball skidded to a stop in front of the counter, much to the surprise of the two ponies standing there. “Hey!” she called. The two spa ponies looked at each other, then looked Screwball curiously. It was almost creepy how synchronized their actions were. Screwball hated synchronization. Too predictable. And their color-swapped colors? Awful. Bland. Horrid. “The white unicorn is wondering when she’s gonna get her happy ending.” Screwball had expected offense. She had expected horror. She had been hoping for at least a gasp, hopefully a faint. What she wasn't expecting, but what actually happened, was the blue pony's eyes widening with glee, and the pink pony giggling and giving her companion a hug. “Vell, go on!” the pink one said, waving on the blue one, who turned and skipped—really?—over to Rarity's room. Much to Screwball's consternation, she had apparently been hoping for this response. (1) Screwball slammed her head against the counter repeatedly. “This whole town is crazy!” she wailed, emphasizing each word with another hit. “And not the good kind!” She looked up to see the pink pony regarding her curiously. “Da,” she said, as if it were blatantly obvious. “But ve live here anyway.” Squealing in frustration, Screwball slammed her back right hoof down and Lotus' mane flared out, looking more like an afro than a spa pony haircut. Lotus looked in a mirror and gasped in surprise, and a tear came to one eye. Screwball snarled and stamped again, and a miniature raincloud appeared, drenching Lotus completely. She spun and stomped again and again, releasing chaos everywhere. Manes turned rainbow-colored. Mud hardened prematurely. Gardening magazines became Playcolts. Cucumbers became pickles. Solid soaps exploded. (2) Lotions burst from their bottles. Hot rocks turned ice cold. The steam in the sauna turned to snow. Liquid soap turned to soup. All in all, it was a big mess. Nodding in self-satisfaction, Screwball reached up to tug on her cap. To her horror, her head was bare. Screwball burst out of the spa. “Get out of my way!” she roared, sprinting out, knocking ponies over in her rush to escape and retrieve her one prized possession. One of the ponies she trampled was Applejack, who promptly returned her own hat to her head. “The audacity of some ponies,” she sniffed. * * * Screwball literally sprinted forwards and backwards through the forest, looking for her hat. She poked her head down holes, she stuck her head out of knots in trees, she even checked an eagle's nest (much to the annoyance of Mama Eagle). Eventually, she found the patch of blue flowers that held her hat. Screwball reached behind a tree and pulled out a fishing rod. She lifted her hooves and found a piece of bubble gum stuck underneath, which she quickly peeled off and stuck on the end of the line to use as bait. It took a couple of casts and a couple of miss-catches (what was that boot doing out here, anyway?), but finally Screwball succeeded in retrieving her hat. She jammed it back on her head and let out a sigh of relief. She had felt so naked without it. Now that she felt back to her normal chaotic self, she leaned up against a tree and began to think. She would need a new plan, obviously, because her cover was pretty much blown. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if those pesky Elements were talking about her right now. Which, incidentally, they were. * * * The six ponies and one baby dragon met at Applejack's barn to discuss what had happened and the letter Twilight was planning to send to the princess for guidance. It looked like it was going to be a good meeting. There were also treats provided, courtesy of Granny Smith (who made the really tasty ones) and the Cutie Mark Crusaders Bakery Assistants, Yay, who made ones that only Pinkie could eat. This didn't seem to phase Pinkie, as she just crunched them happily. Or perhaps it was obliviously. Nopony was really sure when it came to Pinkie. “This has got to be the worst luck ever,” Rainbow Dash said. “That chaos magic just won't give up, will it?” “I'm starting to get worried,” Twilight confessed. “I really don't think this is normal. This has lasted longer than Princess Celestia originally thought it would, and there's just too many coincidences and weird things going on.” Nopony said anything, but as one, their minds went back to this morning, when Berry Punch was found suspended from an unnaturally large glob of gum suspended off the town hall, happily proclaiming that she was now a bird and requesting sunflower seeds be thrown at her. “Perhaps this chaos magic is tied to a pony?” Rarity suggested, pulling on her rather large hat. Pink really wasn't her color. “After that... incident at the spa, there was a purple pony with a messy mane and a cutie mark of a screw and a ball, and I'm sure I hadn't seen her before all this started happening. She called herself Screwball, and I'm certain that was a fake name.” “Yeah,” Rainbow added. “I've seen her around a couple times when some shady stuff was going on.” “Are you sure you're not just bitter because she beat you in a race?” Twilight asked. “Yes, I'm sure!” Rainbow snapped. “I'm afraid I'm in accordance with Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said as she shoved an entire apple fritter in her mouth, sending pastry crumbs everywhere (and sending a shudder up Rarity's back). “I do believe that this newcomer is really part of the problem.” Pinkie Pie looked at Applejack. “That's really getting old,” she said, and without warning, slapped her hard across the face. Applejack stumbled, but she remained on her hooves. When her eyes had stopped spinning, she turned on Pinkie. “Hey! What 'n tarnation d'ju do that fer?” “Applejack! Your accent is back!” And Applejack found herself on the receiving end of one of Rarity's hugs. Applejack was now thoroughly confused. “Ah don't have an accent,” she protested. “And what's with all th' affection and such?” “Applejack?” Rarity whispered. “Just accept it.” “Aaanyway,” Twilight said, trying to pull the discussion back on track. “That makes it sound like she's a chaotic pony, and there's no way that's possible.” “Only one way to find out!” Pinkie Pie said, sliding over a piece of paper. “Ask her!” “This is ridiculous,” Twilight protested. “There's no reason to bother the princess like this.” The expressions of her friends quickly caused her to change her mind. Twilight sighed. “Ok... Let's vote on it. All for?” Five hooves and one claw were raised into the air. “All against?” Only one hoof went up. Twilight sighed. “Fine, I'll send it.” She pulled out a quill. “Dear Princess Celestia...” When she was done, Spike sent it, and they didn't have long to wait before the reply came. It's probable. Be on your guard. Listen to Pinkie Pie. [signed] HRH Princess Celestia Six of the seven present stared at the reply. Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, had laid one of the brick-like cookies on the table and was occupied with attempting to smash it with her head. Applejack pulled her hat off her head and summed up their collective thoughts nicely. “Welp. We're in trouble now, huh?”