The Crystal Palace
“I love you, Cadance,” Shining Armor said as he buttered a slice of toast. The royal couple were sat in one of the many dining halls of the palace, enjoying breakfast together. Or at least, they would be, if Cadance, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Alicorn of Love and Vassal of Discord, wasn’t anxiously staring out the window to the south.
“Hm? Did you say something, love?” Cadance replied, turning from the window. She chuckled at Shinings exasperated eye roll. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just a little worried.”
“Worried? About what, Discord?” Shining walked over to his fiancee and embraced her. “You know that I’m not bothered about last night, right?”
“It’s not that...” Cadance said, looking back out the window. “But his appearance last night reminded me of the fact that he has always ruined my weddings. I love you so much, and I want everything to be perfect.”
“It’ll be perfect as long as you are there, by my side,” Shining whispered into Cadance’s ear, causing her to blush and nuzzle him affectionately.
“You are so sweet.” Cadance’s good mood quickly vanished however as she turned back to the window with a sigh. “I’m still worried. About Twilight. She actually lives with that monster.”
“We all worry about Twilight,” Shining said. “But she’s strong, you know that. Besides, you know who is watching over her.”
Cadance’s eyes grew wide. “Shining!” she hissed, panic entering her voice.
“It’s okay, my love. We’re alone. No one to hear us,” Shining whispered into Cadance’s ear, holding her close until she calmed down. “See, we’re all alone–”
“Derpy Deliveries! You post it, we’ll drop it!”
“–apart from Derpy, of course.” Shining rolled his eyes and turned to the mail mare. “We have mail?”
“Yep! It’s from Twilight.” Derpy dropped an envelope into the toast rack, taking a slice for herself and flew out the window, disappearing as suddenly as she appeared.
“Come on back to the table, love,” Shining said, Candace leaning on him as she limped back to her seat. “Lets see what Twilight’s sent us—probably a thank you note for the book.” Settling down, Shining picked up the envelope and a mug of coffee with his magic, opening the former and swigging the later.
The resulting spit-take was entered into the record books, and wouldn’t be beaten for another 150 years.
---
Dear Empress Mi Amore Cadenza and her royal consort Shining Armor,
You are both hereby invited to attend the wedding of His Grand Majestic Highness King Discord the First and Last and Twilight Sparkle, Court Mage, to take place at the Castle of Chaos at his Lordship’s convenience.
We hope to see you soon,
Love from the happy couple,
Discord and Twilight
P.S–Bring lots of gifts. D.
P.P.S–I still haven’t agreed to this. T.
P.P.P.S–Oh, hush, it’ll be great. D.
P.P.P.P.S–You said that about ‘Everypony is an Alicorn Day’. T.
P.P.P.P.P.S–I thought we agreed to never mention that again, Miss ‘Orange for a Horn’. D.
---
The Castle of Chaos
“WHAT?” Twilight backed away from the mirror in fear. She had never seen Celestia this angry before. Her ethereal, dawn like mane surged and whipped as if it were caught in a storm, both of her eyes were wide and her lips were curled in a savage snarl. “You’re getting married to that monster?”
“Hey, it’s not like I have any choice in the matter,” Twilight said, raising her hooves defensively. “Besides, it’s only one of his games. It doesn’t actually mean anything.”
“Twilight, take this seriously,” Celestia implored.
“Why? Discord isn’t. Then again, the only thing Discord takes seriously is you, and thats because you are the only plausible threat to him,” Twilight said, lying back down on her bed. “Speaking of which, did you know that I’m resistant to his mind alteration spell?”
Celestia was caught off guard by the sudden shift in topic. “Well, we always suspected that would be the case, but we were never able to confirm it.”
Twilight closed her eyes and leaned her head backwards, so she was looking at the ceiling. “I see,” she said simply. We? Does she mean herself and Luna? Or is there more to this?
Celestia had calmed down by now, and resumed the peaceful mask she normally wore. “Enough of this, shall we carry on with your studies?”
“Uh, about that...” Twilight gulped, before lifting her hat off her head, revealing the orange stuck to her head. “I, uh, had an accident with the spell earlier.”
“I see.” Celestia’s face was still and unmoving.
“I can’t cast any spells until the spell fades,” Twilight said, looking sheepish. “I think Discord might have actually enchanted it to remain like this as well, as it should have faded by now.”
“Twilight, you must simply be more careful. What happens if I need you, but you’ve incapacitated yourself?” Celestia said sternly, a hint of anger returning to her voice.
Twilights shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry, Celestia.” She was about to say more, but a knocking at the door cut her off. “And thats my cue to go—I’m being fitted for a wedding dress.” Celestia frowned, but said no more, allowing Twilight to stash the mirror away. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she said as the knocking intensified. “Who is—” she said as she threw open the door, but was cut off as Discord kissed her on the mouth. Without thinking she punched him on the snout, sending him to the floor. “What was that for!”
Discord picked himself up, covering his nose with his lions paw. “You just punched me,” he growled, glaring at Twilight, who backed up, eyes wide with fear.
Oh crap I’m dead I’m dead I’m dead. She closed her eyes, awaiting whatever gruesome end awaited her. Instead, she heard Discords booming laugh. Opening her eyes, she saw him clutching his sides, laughing uproariously at her.
“Hah-hah! This is why I’m marrying you, you’ve got spirit! I like that!” Discord cried out, pointing at her. "There aren't many willing to stand up to me like that these days!" He continued chuckling, his laughter dissipated slowly. When Discord next spoke, his voice was somber. “But seriously, hit me again and I will unmake you, understand?” Twilight nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Finally, Twilight found her voice. “Why are you here? And why did you... kiss me?”
“Well, firstly, I wanted to have a look at your room so I could see what changes I need to make to mine.” At Twilight’s expression, he clarified. “After we’re married, you’ll be moving into my room.” Twilight paled at that. "I mean really, just think of the gossip that would go around if the royal couple didn't sleep in the same room."
"We're not going to... You know, are we?" Twilight asked nervously, pushing her forehooves together.
Discord looked at her confusedly before comprehension dawned on his face. "You mean...? What, ew, gross! How can you even think that?! And I thought I was the twisted one!" He clicked his talons together, summoning a bottle clearly marked 'brain bleach' and took several gratuitous swigs from it. "Please, I'm the Spirit of Chaos, not... That!"
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. "But then, why did you kiss me?"
Discord shrugged. "For the same reason you're moving into my room—we are going to be a happily married couple. We're going to act the part completely."
Twilight face hoofed. "So basically, you're not content with just holding this sham of a ceremony, but you're insisting we pretend to be married for what, the rest of my life?"
Discord, however, had turned his back to Twilight and was now investigating the room. "Hm, you like to sleep with an oxygen atmosphere... Bookcase with books... arranged alphabetically? Bleh. What's this basket for?" He asked, holding up Spike's basket.
"That's Spike's. He sleeps in it." At Discord's confused look, she rolled her eyes. "You know, the baby dragon I hatched with my magic as a filly?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot about him," Discord said with a nod. "I suppose you'll want him to move in with us?"
Twilight hesitated. As much as wanted to stay with Spike, she also wanted to keep him away from Discord as much as possible. Eventually, she decided against separating herself from him. "Yes, I want him near me." Discord put the basket down and sat on Twilights bed, causing her to blanch—the mirror was only under the pillow!
“Hm, your bed is quite soft. Not as soft as a cloud of course—You ever slept on a cloud, Twilight?” he asked, bouncing on the bed. Twilight could only shake her head. “Huh, we’ll have to fix that.”
“Shouldn’t...” Twilight began, gulping. “Shouldn’t we be going to that dress fitting?”
Discord clicked his talons. “I knew I was forgetting something. And after I had that dressmaker brought in especially.” He leapt of the bed and landed by the door, opening it. “After you, milady.” Twilight bounded out the door, grateful for the chance to drag Discord away from her mirror. “Eager, much?” Discord said, with a twinkle in his eye.
“Maybe I just want you out of my room before you ruin my books,” Twilight said, not untruthfully, sticking out her tongue at him.
“Me? Ruin your books?” Discord said innocently as he lazily floated down the corridor. “How would I even begin to do that?”
Twilight trotted alongside him. “Well, you could... No, wait, I don’t want to give any ideas.”
“Snap,” Discord said, clicking his talons together. “You saw right through my nefarious plan. Oh well, plan B it is.” He clicked again, causing a translucent red thundercloud to appear over Twilight's head. There was a rumble of thunder before it began to gently snow a yellow powder all over her, causing her hair and coat to gleam with a yellow sparkle.
“Lemon sherbert?” Twilight asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.
Discord shrugged. “I was growing bored of chocolate milk.” He licked his paw, ran it over Twilights coat and then licked off the sherbert. “Bleh, I got fur on my tongue.”
“I wonder how,” Twilight muttered to herself. “And the cloud?” she asked, looking up.
“Strawberry jam.” Discord poked it, causing it to wobble slightly.
“I think this one needs to back to the drawing board.”
“Agreed.” Discord clapped his hands, causing two large slices of bread to materialise on either side of the cloud. Plucking the newly created jam sandwich from out of the air, he placed into a pocket (despite the fact that he was naked). “I’ll have that later.”
“Ew.” Twilight snorted with disgust. Unfortunately, this caused some of the sherbert on her head to fall off and up her nose as she breathed in. “AGH that burns that burns that burns!” She hopped about, shaking her head, but that only agitated the situation, until she was partly obscured by a yellow cloud of dust. “AGH my eyes!” Coughing and choking, she stumbled her way out of the cloud, her eyes and nose red.
Throughout all this, Discord was beside himself with laughter. One of the Discords turned to the other. “Hah-hah! We should totally do this more often.”
“Tell me about it,” the second Discord said. “This is hilarious. Ooh, maybe we should make a cloud that snows itching powder!”
“Guys,” a third Discord said. “I think Twilight needs our help.” He pointed at the distressed unicorn, who was rolling around on the floor trying to get the sherbert off her coat. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was sore from where she had been rubbing them.
“I have totally got this!” declared the first Discord, holding his arms above his head. With a quick clap, a cloud made of sage and onion stuffing appeared over Twilight, drizzling tomato puree over her, staining her mane and coat red.
“Thank you so much,” Twilight deadpanned, wiping tomato puree off her face. “Now, not only are my eyes and nose red and sore, but you’ve stained my fur and I smell of tomatoes. This dress maker is going to have a fit.”
“You’re welcome,” the three Discords said at once, bowing, unphased by Twilight's death glare.
Twilight sighed and lowered her head. "You're impossible. Come, let's get this over and done with."
The three Discords smoothly slid back into one being, before turning around and opening a door that had just materialised behind him. “After you, my ickle lickle Twiglet.”
“Please don’t call me that,” Twilight said exasperatedly.
“Anything for you, my ickle Twiglet,” Discord said, his semi-permanent smirk growing wider.
Twilight adopted a false grin and beamed at Discord. “Why, thank you, Discy-poo.” Discord glared at her, causing Twilight’s grin to become genuine. “What, can't take your own medicine?”
Discord maintained his glare for a moment, before sticking out his paw. “Truce?”
“Truce.” Twilight put her hoof into his paw and the two shook, sealing the deal. Without another word the two strode into the room, where they were assaulted by a flurry of words.
“Who’s there? Where am I? I don’t appreciate being held against my will like this!” screeched a white Unicorn with a curled violet mane and three blue diamonds for a cutie mark. “I’ll have you know that—” She stopped talking when she saw Discord, her eyes boggling. “Oh, my Lord! I see how it is. I, the beautiful Rarity, have been taken prisoner so that you can ravish me.” She leapt up into Discord’s arms and place her forehooves around his neck. “Go on, my Lord, I am all yours! Ravish me, you devilishly handsome villain!”
Discord unceremoniously dropped her. “What? Ew! What's wrong with you ponies? I don’t ravish anypony! That’s Cadance’s job!”
“So... You’re not going to ravish me?” Rarity said meekly, oozing disappointment.
“No! No no no no!” Discord stomped his foot repeatedly, causing the room to shake. “All I want from you is a wedding dress for my fiance!” he said, pointing at Twilight.
“Well, why didn’t you say—” she began, only to cut off with a shriek. “Oh my stars, darling! Whatever happened to you!”
Twilight briefly looked at herself—her stained coat, her frazzled mane, the bloodshot eyes she just knew she had and her running nose, before turning to Rarity. “I had a wardrobe malfunction,” she deadpanned.
“Well now, I don’t think tomato puree is in this season, my dear,” Rarity snarked back, approaching Twilight. “We really must get you cleaned up before I can start to work on your—wait, wedding dress? Fiance? Oh you lucky thing, getting married to our glorious king!” Rarity swooned, trying to fall back into Discord’s arms, picking herself up with a “humph!” when he failed to catch her.
“Yes, lucky lucky me.” Twilight’s retort had lost none of its deadpan delivery. “Anyway, I don’t think we properly introduced ourselves. I’m Twilight Sparkle, court mage.”
“I’m Rarity, a dressmaker from Ponyville, and yes, I have heard all the jokes,” she said, rolling her eyes. A snort from Discord drew their attention.
“Oh sweet heavens,” Twilight cursed. “That’s his punning face.”
“So, you’re Rarity?” Discord chuckled. “As in, you’re a rarity? Ho-ho!”
Twilight covered her eyes. “I can’t watch. Tell me when it’s over.” She heard a clap, followed by a loud shriek.
“You’re not a rarity anymore, my dear!” Discord boomed. Twilight slowly lowered her hooves, and stared at the twelve Rarity’s staring back at her. “In fact, I’d say you now rather common!”
There was a moment's silence, punctuated only by Twilight's groan, before all the Raritys began to talk at once.
“What did you do to me?”
“Oh this is just dreadful!”
“Whatever will my family say!”
“So thats what the back of my head looks like.”
“My word, I am rather beautiful, if I do say so myself.”
“Finally, I get to use myself as a model!”
“Silence!” Discord all but roared. “You’re giving me a headache.”
“You should've thought of that before you made the extras,” Twilight chided. “Speaking of which, how did you do it?”
“I teleported a bunch of changeling drones in, forced them to take Rarity’s shape and then copied her memories onto the drones. Simple, really.”
“So, which is the real Rarity?” one of the Raritys asked.
Discord shrugged. “I don’t know, I lost track of her.”
Twilight groaned. “Ugh. Can we please get on with the stupid dress fitting already! We’ve traveled down so many tangents I’m starting to collect frequent flyer miles!” She held up a card showing that she had a considerable number of miles collected. “I don’t even know where this card came from!”
“Huh,” Discord said, taking a closer look at it. “‘Pinkie Pie Airlines. Taking you to the party!’ Well, I think that explains that.”
“No it doesn't,” one of the Raritys said. “That doesn’t explain anything.”
“Trust me,” Twilight said, turning to her. “Around here thats the closest to a rational explanation you can expect to get. Now, can I please be fitted for this dress?”
“Oh, yes, of course. But we need to get you cleaned up first.” Several of the Raritys gasped at once, and as one the entire group sang out. “Id~ea!”
“I’m not the only one filled with a sense of dread, right?” Discord asked Twilight.
“Nope.”
“Oh good, I thought it was just me.”
“Oh, don’t you worry none,” one of the Raritys said in a totally-not-comforting way. “A spa trip will do you the two of you a world of good!”