Chapter 6: Stop The Bus, I Want To Get Off.
“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly insane every night of our lives.” William Dement
What does it mean to be an alcoholic? Is it simply a chemical dependency, or can you be addicted to the atmosphere drinking with others creates?
Am I just making up excuses?
These were the questions I found myself asking no one in particular, just the empty house I was sitting in my underwear in. I also found myself wanting a drink, despite it being 11am. Maybe I'm the one with a drinking problem.
I was tearing myself apart on the inside, wanting to go back to sleep right away and attempt to fix the damage I had caused in my second life, but at the same time I kinda wanted to stay away from Ponyville, even for just one night. I just wanted normal dreams again, or even none at all. It was too much to juggle at once, and I was starting to come apart at the seams after only a week.
Those old, unanswered questions started creeping their way back into my mind. I still didn’t know what the dreams meant or where they came from. I only knew they were abnormal; nobody anywhere seemed to have dreams like mine. Could it be that I was somehow actually going to Ponyville every night? Was I crazy for even asking that? Was I crazy?
I’ve never ruled out that possibility. It's not like I would realize I'd lost my mind after all.
I think most of all; I just wanted to forget about it. Just for a little while. I didn’t want to have to think about my current probation from work, or the mysterious land of ponies I was visiting every night. I wanted to feel normal, with only one reality to worry about.
Before I had time to talk myself out of it, I was punching the numbers into my phone. I thought about kittens while it rang. Kittens and bacon.
“Hello?” Sandra asked once the ringing stopped. We hadn’t spoken in the week since we'd met, but just hearing her voice was enough to calm me down a little bit. It also reminded me that I hadn’t said anything yet.
“...Oh, hey Sandra, it’s Jon.” I sputtered. Though I still hate starting conversations on the phone, it had gotten a little easier. A week of introducing myself had done me some good, apparently. “How have you been?”
“Oh! Hey Jon! I’m good! I didn't think I was going to hear from you, brony!” So much for getting away from pony-talk. “Have any cool dreams recently?” So much for getting away from dream-talk.
“Yeah, I guess...” I didn’t really want to talk about my freaky dreams at the moment. Or did I? Would talking about it help? I had no fucking idea. You ever get that feeling where you’re not sure if you hungry or full? It was kinda like that. “So, what are you up to?”
“Just working on a few illustration projects right now, I’ve been at it aaaaaall morning.” I could hear the strain in her voice and assumed she was rubbing her face while she said it. "I... don't think I've been blinking as much as I should..."
“Do you... want to take a break? I could go for a coffee right about now.” An Irish coffee, that is. This was the first time I had ever asked a girl out on the phone, I hoped I wasn't fucking it up.
“Coffee sounds great! My eyes feel like they’re melting. Let’s meet at the Timmies on Danforth in 15 minutes.”
Holy shit.
There was no way this was happening. All my pony problems seemed to move to the very back of my mind instantly. They were still there, gnawing on my thoughts like a toothache, but effectively dulled.
“Great! I’ll see you soon!”
____________________________________________________
I walked out of the chilly air and into the small coffee shop. It was filled with the usual suspects, young people like me, students bingeing on caffeine, and even a few hipsters typing away on macbooks. Some asshole in the back even had a damn typewriter. I spotted Sandra at a small table with two coffees already in front of her. I walked over and she waved.
“Hey, Jon! I got you a double-double, hope that’s okay.”
I sat down and took a big sip. “It’s just peachy, thanks.” I took off my coat and looked at the wonderful woman sitting across from me. The woman who had given me her number and agreed to have coffee with me. With me! I smiled.
“So, what's the latest and greatest? Still dreaming? Oh! Tell me about the last dream you had!”
Damn, that was fast. My smile waned a little. On the bus over, I thought about telling Sandra the truth. I really had no reason not to. She would probably think it was cool. Well, hopefully she would. At any rate, I could use some advice; I was clearly not doing well on my own.
Fuck it, here goes nothing.
“Well, actually, I’ve been having some really strange dreams lately. As far as I know, nobody’s having anything like them.” Most people wouldn’t be interested, but I guess Sandra isn’t most people. That’s probably why she was talking to me.
“Really? That’s so cool!” She sipped her coffee. “You know, I actually tried some of that stuff you mentioned last week and it worked! I dreamt I was on a huge wooden ship and a giant octopus attacked it! It was unreal! I even wrote it down when I woke up.”
I blinked. She had not only listened to what I had said in my drunken state last week, she tried it out. I involuntarily thought of Pina, then refocused on the reality I was in at the moment.
“Nice.” I extended a fist. “Brohoof.” I was going to do it. I was going to tell her everything.
“Brohoof!” She laughed, returning the gesture. “But anyway, go on about your abnormal dreams.”
Abnormal. Maybe this was a bad idea. Why am I so fucking indecisive? Whelp, too late now. “I've kinda been... returning to the same place every night. And everything is continuous, like in real life. I can have a conversation with some... body one day, and when I come back the next night, they’ll remember what we talked about.”
Sandra sipped her coffee again as she mulled that over. I did the same.
“Is that even possible?” She asked. Good fucking question.
“Apparently it is, though like I said, I don’t think anyone else has dreams like this.” I had been checking the forums periodically; they still thought I was full of shit.
“Hmmmm. Well, where do you go?” Fuck, she should be a reporter or something.
I lifted my cup and answered into it, “...Ponyville...” It was more of a mumble, but from the way her eyes opened up, I knew she had heard me.
“... What?” I couldn’t tell if she was interested, concerned about my sanity, or concerned about her safety. Not because she wasn’t clear, but at the same moment she asked, I nearly smacked my face off the table in front of us. I had nearly passed out from a sudden, intense sleepiness.
Oh no no nonono, not now. Not here!
“I... uh... I gotta go!” I got up to leave, standing unsteadily. I’d never been so tired, but I wasn’t about to pass out on the coffee shop floor. Not in front of Sandra. I turned to go.
“Wait! Where are you going?” She asked getting up to follow. I told you already...
“I... just g-gotta go.” I slurred, pushing my way out the front door, my coat only half on. The cold air outside helped wake me up a little, but another wave of sleep was hitting me even harder than the first one. Somepony really wanted my ass awake.
“Jon! WATCH OUT!” Sandra called from the shop. For what?
That's when I heard a deep horn blow and the sound of squealing brakes. They sounded far away, I was just so tired.
I barely even felt the bus hit me.
____________________________________________________
“CAP! WAKE UP NOW!” Berry shouted frantically, shaking me with gusto.
I jolted upright in the bed, my body twitching like all my nerve endings were being napalmed. I was just hit by a mother fucking bus! I'd heard of rude awakenings, but that was only half of it.
I took a moment, sitting with closed eyes, trying to stop the shaking and collect myself. Berry was still screaming at me, but I wasn’t listening. I wonder if she’s still mad at me?
"THEY TOOK PINA!” I heard her wail through the fog inside my head. My eyes opened and I saw Berry was crying. She was shaking worse than I was. Scattered screams from outside added themselves to Berry's lament, and it became clear things were not quite right. I guess my problems are going to have to wait. I decided.
I drifted out of my catatonic state with zen focus and fierce determination. “Calm down Berry, and start from the beginning. What is going on?”
She collected herself as I hopped out of the bed and went over to the small window in the room. “These...t-these things are attacking Ponyville!”
“What?!” I looked out at the chaos on the streets. Ponies were running and hiding all over, then I saw the 'things'. They were pony-shaped, but definitely not ponies. They way they moved, it was all wrong. Like they had no bones or inner structure.
“They b-b-burst in here and started searching around, then held me back and took Pina away! W-why didn’t you wake up?!” She wiped away her tears, only to have more take their place.
“I- I have condition... It’s, not important.” I began, letting the lie die before it could leave my lips. Bigger things were going on at the moment. What were these things? And why would they take Pina? The ones outside only seemed to be causing trouble; breaking windows and scaring ponies. I looked away from the window. “Did they take anything else?”
“Yes, they also took that book Pina has been carrying around.” Oh shit... “Her dream journal.”
I turned away from her. Why would they take her journal? …Unless they were looking for somepony who was dreaming…
This... was likely all my fault.
“Cap? What's wrong? What do we do!”
“Stay here, I’m going to find Pina and bring her back.” I was halfway out the door already.
“WAIT! I’m coming with you.” Berry followed me out. I put on the sternest “do as I say” face I could muster, then turned around...
And was met with a far sterner “I DARE you to say no” face from Berry. My resolve vapourized.
“Okay.”
____________________________________________________
Ponyville was a mess. I had never seen it this late at night before, but I’m pretty sure there’s usually less screaming. The pony-shaped creatures were all over, but unless you call property damage and general shit-disturbing “evil”; this town had seen much worse. I caught sight of one of the creatures and ran over to give it a piece of my mind, (and a good thrashing,) getting my first good view of the things.
They had the crude shape of a pony, but seemed to be made of thick, black tar. Even in the dark I could see it bubbling and oozing. Their manes and tails were also made of the stuff. Pale, glowing eyes and a set of metal antennae on their heads completed the B-movie look. Some even had dripping wings and horns that appeared to be just for show. This is new. I thought, not recognizing the creatures from the cartoon. Must be some season 4 shit.
“HEY, SHITHEAD!” I called at the dripping monster. It stopped hatefully crushing flowers and turned in my direction, only it didn’t actually turn. The pony-like snout that was looking at the ground was absorbed into it’s head as another snout popped out in my direction. Its eyes flowed into place simultaneously, in possibly the creepiest act of head-turning I had ever witnessed.
“HALT, HABITANT.” It shouted, despite having no visible mouth. I didn’t halt though, I ran up and put a hoof through it’s fucking face. Like, all the way through and out the other side. It shook and bubbled furiously, mumbling incoherently. The goo it was made of was damn hot, but I hardly noticed. FUCK YEAH, ADRENALINE.
“Stuff it, fucker. Tell me what’s going on and where they took the girl RIGHT NOW or I will literally beat the tar out of you.” Taking a bus to the face had not left me in the best mood.
It mumbled again, shaking it’s head in what I assumed was a 'no, go eat a dick'.
“WHERE. IS. SHE.” I yelled, moving my leg in and out of it’s goo and essentially fucking it’s face with it. I don’t think it liked that.
I pulled out and it dropped to the ground. “Fool! I would never reveal our plans to a habitant-” It was interrupted by a crackle of electricity from it’s antennae. A throaty voice crackled from it.
“All units, continue pacification of Habitants. The mark has been received and is being processed at site Alpha. EVAC is set for 15 minutes”
I smirked at the tar pony as it bubbled in frustration. “So, you gonna tell me where site Alpha is, or do I have to beat it out of you?” I asked calmly.
“I WOULD NEVER-” I interrupted this time by bucking it in the face and splattering pitch all over a nearby house. A small, metal device with a pair of antennae and glowing eyes bounced off the wall and rolled onto the ground as the now headless monstrosity turned into a steaming puddle. It pointed an antenna weakly towards the outskirts of town.
Towards the field I had woken up in a week ago. Coincidence? Yeah fucking right.
I stomped down and crushed it under my hoof, releasing an explosion of sparks. “Let’s go.” I ran off, Berry close behind.
“What are they, Cap? I've never seen anything like that before!” She asked, struggling to match my hurried gait.
“I don’t know and I don’t care right now.” I replied. All that mattered was saving Pina. And maybe getting back at the fuckers who indirectly threw me under a bus.
____________________________________________________
“Morons! This is a child; she is of no importance to us. Where is the Anomaly?” The tar-robot-thing who appeared to be in charge demanded. Berry and I were hiding nearby in some bushes, listening intently. We could see Pina, she was being restrained by some sort of electric force field cage and flanked by 2 guards. Talk about overkill, she’s like 8 for fuck’s sake.
“But, she was at the waypoint! We found her recordings and everything!” One of them stammered, holding up Pina's dream journal.
“There are 5 entries in this book! Hardly the seasoned traveler we seek. Now get back out there and FIND THE ANOMALY!” shouted the commander, pacing around the small camp on goo hooves that would retract into it’s torso and protrude out again to move it forward.
“W-what about this one?” The other guard asked weakly.
“I will see to her. Get out of here NOW!” It bellowed. They took off immediately.
“This is our chance! There’s only one of them now.” Berry whispered. I watched; General Shit-Blob stood with its 'back' to us, reading through Pina’s journal. Damn, first they invade our town, and then they invade our privacy.
“Okay, get as close as you can to Pina but stay hidden. I’ll distract dipshit here, you open the cage and run.” I was doing a bad job of holding back swears, but I felt the situation called for proper curse words.
Berry nodded and moved off quietly. I got ready to hit the gooey bastard with a flying tackled when it started talking.
“Tell me, Habitant, who told you to record your travels?” It asked Pina.
She didn’t answer. She barely looked afraid. Major Horseapples didn’t like that. It turned and approached her energy cage with it’s weird, tar walking. “Speak! Or I shall make you wish you had!” It threatened. Now I really wanted to hit this douche, I mean, who threatens a child? “Tell me where the one we seek is! The one whose very presence here brings a foul stench to your world!”
Okay, getting a little personal here...
“I... read it in a book.” Pina said quietly to the dripping beast. Was Berry in position yet?
“YOU LIE!” It shrieked in a surprisingly unintimidating way.
“I’m not afraid of you! Cap is gonna save me!” Pina said bravely.
“...Cap?” Sergeant Shit-face repeated. Did somepony order up a heroic entrance?
I gracefully jumped out from the bushes and into the meadow, “I’m right here, Sergeant Shit-” and tripped over a tangle of undergrowth, landing on my face “Fuck!” I spat out dirt and grass and scrambled to my hooves.
Nice one, Mr. Hero.
“Shut up, brain.” I said under my breath. Everyone was staring at me now. “Ummm. Heya.”
“Cap! I knew you’d come!” Pina jumped excitedly, hitting the top of her force field prison and singeing her mane. She stopped jumping.
"So, you must be the Anomaly.” Tar-pony said, eyeing me up and down. I spat out more dirt. “How amusing.”
“Yeah, yeah, but all flattery aside; let her go and fuck off before I use you to pave my driveway.” I lowered my head and kicked up some dirt with a hoof. I don’t know if I looked like an idiot or not, but I felt bad as shit.
“This is not your place, Anomaly. What I am here to do must be done. The tumor must be removed. The error, rectified.”
It moved towards me in that freaky tar walk, calling me out on the violence card. Shit, why didn't I take those damn karate classes? I was paralyzed, this asshole meant business and I was... well, I was me. My ass was in for a kicking.
Just as I was about turn and run, Berry fell out of the bushes (man, fuck bushes) causing Lieutenant Turd-Nipples to turn and look. Without a second thought, I leapt into action and tackled the son of a bitch to the ground. I pummeled its head with my hooves, trying to smash the machine inside, but the slimy bastard was fast, dodging and blocking most of my strikes. I changed tactic and smashed at it’s antennae, breaking one in half and causing it to emit a loud burst of static. I covered my ears and received a buck to the gut for my momentary lapse in reason.
I flew off Colonel Colon and landed on my back a few feet away, wincing on the ground at what would surely be a few more bruises. I noticed Berry had reached the cage and was trying to get it open... by poking at it with a stick. Great, we’ll be out of here in no time.
“The time has come, Anomaly.” Tar-pony had gotten up and was plodding over to me. I needed to buy more time for Berry and her stick, so I tried to keep it talking (hoping it couldn't talk and punch at the same time.)
“Who are you guys? And what do you want with me?” I asked, trying to get on my hooves. I guess Admiral Asshole felt I should stay down because he ran over and slammed a hot tar-hoof on my chest, knocking the wind out of me and pinning me down.
“We are the keepers of order, and what we want should be clear.” It raised it’s other front hoof and it morphed into a sharp point. My final thought was Oh, that’s not good.
Or it would have been if Captain Cornhole’s radio hadn’t crackled to life with a high pitched squeal.
“All units, prepare for EVAC in 5 minutes. Requesting status update: where is the Mark? Respond.”
“Damn.” The bubbling mess on top of me said. I felt the heat from the hoof on my chest spread and I looked down to see it form a loop under my armpit (or...leg pit? whatever.) Hey, that kinda looks like a lasso I though. A second later I was flying through the air again. Another second later and I was lying on the ground in pain. Again.
“Attention! This is Unit Zero-One, the mark is at site Alpha. I repeat, the Anomaly is at site Alpha, send additional enforcement.”
Fuck. I tried to get up, but only managed to fall back on my face in pain. This is some rescue. My Brain reassured me.
“Got it!” I heard to my left. Berry had freed Pina! Never underestimate the power of a stick.
“Get out of here you two; I have the situation under control!” I shouted at them. Berry just looked confused.
“WATCH OUT!” Pina yelled. For what?
I turned around and found myself facing a pair of glowing, pupil-less eyes, floating in a thick, shitty stew. Oh, right.
'Zero-One' punched me in the throat, grabbing hold and wrapping a tar noose around my neck. It squeezed tight and lifted me off the ground.
“NO!” Berry cried. She broke into a speeding charge, aiming to ram right into Private Poop’s side. A moment before impact, one of it’s hind legs retracted into it’s body and shot out the side, hitting Berry square in the face. She fell onto the ground, out cold.
“Berry!” Pina ran over to her felled sister, crying. I coughed and wheezed and struggled, but to no avail.
“Fear not, Anomaly, for we will be done here soon.” It squeezed tighter and my struggling slowed. “I would not usually perform such dirty work myself...” Was it just me or was everything getting dark? “... but with such a high profile case like yours, I’m willing to make an exception and personally carry out the barbaric task.”
My eyes closed and I couldn't seem to open them. I thought I could hear Pina screaming, but then that faded out too.
There was only darkness now.
And silence.
Cold.
Dark.
Silence.
A white light.
It was so far away.
Getting closer.
Faster.
Wait, not white.
Rainbow.
I hit the ground hard, gasping for air. Hot tar puddled around me in the grass, and a now three-legged pony made of tar shrieked.
“CAP! RUN!” A raspy voice yelled from above. Rainbow Dash! She swooped in again and kicked Zero-One in the cheek. For a moment, I sat stupidly in front of the monster trying to murder me as it swatted at the flying cyan annoyance. A bright flash of purple light brought me back to my senses, and I turned to see Pinkie Pie using Twilight as a gatling laser, backed up by the rest of the Mane six.
Squee!
“Hello?! Get them out of here!” Rainbow called down, pointing at Berry and Pina. "Now!"
Oh right, the rescue!
I got up and bucked Deputy Douche in the chest for good measure, then ran over to help Pina lift her dazed sister off the ground.
“Is s-she gonna be okay?” Pina sobbed.
“She’ll be fine.” I croaked. It’s very hard to talk with a constricted windpipe.
The fight raged on behind us as Rarity and Fluttershy ran up to help me with the unconscious pony.
“Cap! Oh my goodness, is she alright?” Fluttershy asked. Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking. Not like I was almost choked to death or anything.
“Yeah, just get her out of here, I need to help the others!” I wheezed. Rarity’s horn glowed and Berry floated delicately onto her back. Fluttershy lifted Pina and the four of them left the clearing that was site Alpha.
Pina looked back at me and shouted, “Be careful, Cap!” then they were gone.
Okay, objective one complete. I almost died, but they’re safe. Now I just have to deal with...
A cry from behind. Rainbow was down! Zero-One had swatted her out of the air with a grotesque tar appendage. I galloped over as the others moved to protect their fallen friend. Twilight launched a barrage of laser fire, landing several hits on it’s body that only seemed to slightly bother our gooey foe.
“Twilight! Aim for it’s head! It’s controlled by a little machine inside attached to those antennae!” I shouted, drawing its attention back to me. It sprung forward with malicious intent.
Fuck.
Suddenly, a loop of rope shot out of the darkness and snared the bastard’s broken antennae before it reached me. Applejack pulled on the other end with her teeth as hard as she could and yanked the little robot out of its bubbling skull.
"Gotcha now, ya sticky varmint!" Applejack drawled with southern glee.
“No!” Zero-One-Testicle shrieked, flailing its tar legs and catching the metal device in it’s goo-hooves. (Gooves?)
“Evac in 30 seconds. WHERE IS THE ANOMALY!” His radio crackled.
“NO!” it shrieked again. Zero-One's black tail disappeared into its body as a thin strand of tar coiled its way down the rope with incredible speed; smacking Applejack in the muzzle and causing her to release the rope. Zero-One shoved the machine back into it’s head and reared my way again.
Twilight moved in, protected by a shield spell, and laser beamed the shit out of it’s face. The tar bubbled and melted; revealing patches of the metal device underneath, but did no permanent damage. It roared and slammed it’s front legs on the ground as half of it’s body vanished. An instant later the missing tar burst up under Twilight, inside her shield. She let out a yelp as the hot substance slammed into her ribs.
Pinkie jumped in next, pushing a large cannon that she apparently had stashed nearby (for cannon related emergencies, no doubt.) She fired and filled the clearing with an explosion of confetti. When the dust settle, Unit Zero-One stood there confused, covered in little bits of coloured paper that stuck to his body.
Pinkie giggled, “Teehee, he looks like a piñata!” It turned on her, glaring menacingly.
“Ha... ha..?” She smiled nervously. Zero-One boiled hard, burning the confetti sticking to it’s body. Its arm turned into what looked like a large frying pan and crashed into Pinkie Pie, sending her flying into her group of friends who were trying to get up after their individual beat downs.
And just like that, I was the only one left standing. The boiling monster recollected itself and turned towards me.
Oh, fuck.
“Evac in five… four…”
Oh,YES!
It walked slowly in my direction. I was frozen in place, like a cheerleader in a horror movie right before she gets stabbed.
“Three… Two…”
He was standing right in front of me now, staring down into my soul. I could smell burning paper on top of the horrid, sickly tar stink of it’s body. It leaned in close.
“We will be back for you.” It said.
“…One. Zero.”
A bright flash, and I was alone, breathing heavily and trying not to pee myself. For a brief moment, everything was calm and quiet.
Peaceful.
Then the others began to pick themselves up and Twilight marched right up to me.
“Night Cap. What in the name of Celestia is going on here?.” She growled between clenched teeth.
I really, really wish I could tell you.
