//------------------------------//
// Ch. 4 - The Losers, The Legend 
// Story: Better Than Best 
// by Signas 
//------------------------------//

	I hadn't realized how long I'd been in Ponyville; by the time I made it back to Canterlot, I could barely see a thing.  If it weren't for my naturally honed sense of direction, I probably would have crashed into a building or something.  I'll bet the darkness didn't realize it was dealing with a hazard specialist, though.  I am the alpha-darkness, bending low visibility to my whim.  And I'd need that talent soon enough, because where I was going, creepiness was the night's companion.

Canterlot Castle; a beautiful garden of smiles and sunshine by day, but when night falls, it becomes a terrifying breeding ground for ghosts and other probably fake monstrosities.  Trust me, I have first-hoof experience; as it turns out, I make fairly regular return visits to the castle.  Granted, they are almost always during the day, but it's pretty much a requirement for castles to be scary during the night before they can graduate from Paranormal Bullshit Academy.  While I may be a pro in the dark and a master of many other talents, dealing with ghosts is not something I enjoy doing.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to delivering this letter.

I eventually made a smooth landing at the castle's entrance, and sure enough, the same guards that always stand there were waiting for me.  With luck, I could hawk the letter off on them and go home.  "Hey, fellas."  A simple greeting was all it took to convince them to lower their wingblades.  Seriously, I hope they do a better job guarding the place when an actual threat shows up.

The two armored stallions looked me over, probably trying to see who would be awesome enough to show up that late at night.  "Wait a sec... aw geez, is that you Lightning Dust?"  The guard slapped his face; clearly he wasn't too pleased to see me.  Not surprising, considering why I'm usually there.

"Come on, is that any way to greet a friend?"  Fun fact: We weren't actually friends.

This time, the guard on the right spoke up.  "What did you do this time, Dusty?  Break some more schoolhouses?"

"Hey, it was only the one time."  It wasn't my fault they built a school between my place and Donut Joe's.  "I've got something that needs to be delivered.  Don't suppose you fellas could take care of it?"

"Hmm... well, I guess so.  Let's see it."  I passed the letter to the left guard.  He glanced over it, probably looking for a name.  My hopes of weaseling out of a delivery job were shot down when I saw his reaction to the delivery address.  "Whoa, this is for...  Heh, hell no, lady!  Do it yourself."  The jerk tossed the letter back at me; he's lucky I have such awesome dexterity because I would have been pissed if that had blown away.

"What's the matter?  Allergic to hillbilly?"

Righty snickered a little bit.  "More like, allergic to alcoholic slut."

Whoa now.  Applejack did mention that her cousin was a drinker, but that was an awfully harsh way to address somepony who was possibly your superior.  I may not always sugarcoat my words, but I at least know how to respect authority.  Kind of.  It was also possible that Apple Fritter was a lowly servant or something.  Actually, that seemed more plausible, considering her heritage.

Either way, it was obvious these cowards weren't pony enough for letter delivery, so it was up to me to save the day.  Er, night.  "Okay, fine, I'll take care of it."  Tucking the parcel under my wing, I made my way into the dark depths of the castle, leaving the snickering hyenas behind.  I'd lose a little sleep, but I'd make up for it with sheer willpower like usual.

Fortunately, I was able to a save a little time due to already being pretty familiar with the castle's layout.  Unfortunately, my familiarity consisted of the path from the front entrance to the throne room, which doubled as a court.  I didn't have guards escorting me like usual; needless to say, I was pretty much lost.  The darkness and creepy factor were only minor inconveniences at that point.

Unsurprisingly, I accidentally found myself in the throne room for what seemed like the fourth time that night.  "Stupid muscle memory," I mumbled, having had my fill of Celestia's Labyrinth of Stained Glass.  "Of course, the one time I actually want to find a guard, there are none around."  Suddenly, something glistened in the corner of my eye.  In the distance, I could just barely make out a series of colors.  Almost like... a rainbow.

"No way, it can't be..."  I didn't even spare a second before I was soaring across the throne room, headed towards the increasingly pony-shaped figure ahead of me.  As I approached it, the colors became more vibrant and noticeable.  There was no mistaking it; that was Rainbow Dash.  Except for one slight issue; why the buck would Rainbow Dash be in the castle in the middle of the night?  Was she delivering letters too?

"Hey, Dash!"  I called out to her, but there was no response.  Once I reached her, I suddenly felt extremely awkward for doing so.  "Oh, right.  Stained glass everywhere."  Yep, I was talking to a stained-glass image of my wing pony.  Fantastic.  I almost wanted to punch it, but I didn't need another misdemeanor on my record.

I was almost ready to give the castle excursion another shot, when I realized that there was something seriously wrong with what I just saw.  Sure, the actual Rainbow Dash wasn't in the castle.  But her image certainly was, and when I took a closer look at each of the designs in the throne room, I realized that she was in at least half of them.

These weren't just "pony flies around and looks happy" images, either.  No, Dash was shooting lasers, fighting some weird dragon thing, all sorts of crazy awesome crap.  "No way.  No bucking way."  I honestly couldn't think of any way to rationalize this situation; not just any pony can get her face immortalized in stained glass in Celestia's throne room.  When I saw the ponies that were shown with her, I just about pissed myself.

Complete with her crazy hat was Applejack.  Plain old hayseed Applejack, kicking up a storm with Rainbow Dash in Celestia's castle.  Rarity was there too; I knew she was a choice pick, but holy crap, I almost started to think that she was too good for me!  There was another pegasus, and the extremely pink pony from my memory.  And in the center of it all was a unicorn.  Of course the unicorn would get the most glory in Canterlot artwork.

Still, seeing their colors helped me realize something even more shocking; these were the ponies I saw at the academy.  The ones who thought flying a balloon in a dangerous airspace was a good idea.  Yet here they were, being important.  Whatever the reason was for them being up there, it was obvious that I was dealing with some pretty special ponies.

"What am I doing... I can't be wasting my time here."  The letter wasn't going to deliver itself; I could gawk at stained glass some other time.  It was food for thought, that's for sure, but I could ask about it later.  The darkness was still especially dark, but after some trial and error I happened upon a hallway I hadn't seen yet.  And lucky for me, it had some guards in it.  Not only that, but it looked like some sort of residential hall, so that's probably where all of the ponies were.  It was easily the most useful hallway in the entire castle, possibly all of Canterlot.

"Halt!  State your business."

A particularly surly guard wasn't about to let me just waltz in on a bunch of sleeping ponies; understandable, but still inconvenient.  "I'm here to deliver a letter to Apple Fritter."  I showed him the letter so he'd know I was serious.  "Can you direct me to her room?"

"Well, Lady Fritter's room is actually in the left wing," the guard stated, a bit of awkwardness in his voice.  "This is the right wing."

"Figures.  Alright, guess I'll head the-"

"But..."  Before I could leave, he stopped me with an extended foreleg.  "She's most likely in Prince Blueblood's quarters, which is in the royal hall just ahead.  It may be quicker just to go there.  It's the third door on the right."

For once, a pony not being where they were supposed to be was a good thing.  Wonders abound in Canterlot Castle.  "Sounds good to me," I said, making my way further down the hall.  The closer to the royal hall I got, the more guards there were.  Even when I'm not in trouble for something, having a bunch of stone-faced armored pegasi stare me down is really awkward.  They probably didn't even stop to appreciate my well-defined flanks.

Judging by the pointlessly lavish decorations, I was fairly certain I had made it to the royal hall.  "Third door on the right, huh?"  Naturally, seeing as how the princesses themselves slept in that wing, the guard count was off the chart.  From the looks of it, at least two elite guards were stationed to each door.  A pony's gotta wonder if they ever get to sleep?

I made my way past the first door, being eyed very closely by every guard in the vicinity.  Their stares were practically making my hair stand on end, but I wasn't about to let a little awkwardness stop my mission.  The second door went very much the same way; I think some of them recognized me, because they cocked their eyebrows and started mumbling.  Jerks.

Then there was the third door on the right.  The guards watching the door were, to my surprise, decidedly un-stone-faced.  They just stared ahead with blank eyes, with heavy bags on their lids to complete the "witnessed that which must never be seen" look.  That was an extremely bad sign.  The soldier on the right was just a young mare; she looked like she was about to cry.  Her companion, a bulky old stallion with an eye patch and bitchin' mustache, was probably the closest thing to a ghost I'd see in that castle.  Clearly something was wrong with the Prince's room.  The question was, did I want to find out what it was?

Sort of.

"You guys wouldn't happen to know if Apple Fritter is in this room, would you?"  I tried to lighten the mood with one of my trademark sexy smiles, with less than satisfactory results.  The disturbed duo flinched the second I mentioned her name, followed by the younger guard trying to shift her attention anywhere else.

The more experienced of the two sighed, but at least tried to help out.  "Yes, Lady Fritter is currently inside.  However, she and his highness Prince Blueblood are... um, preoccupied."  

"Not too preoccupied to accept a simple letter, I assume?"

"Well, no, but... I couldn't in good faith send you into that room."  Suddenly, his eyes were burning into my own, showing me the years of torment he had endured.  "What you witness in there could destroy you.  Look at my poor associate."  The mare didn't even budge; she just stood there, staring into the abyss.  "She made the mistake of walking in one night... and she's been like this ever since."

My will was faltering, but duty called.  "Sorry sir, but I've gotta do this.  Brownie points are at stake."  Just then, I heard some faint voices coming from behind the door.  They seemed cheerful enough, but the fact that the guards were so bothered by them anyway was cause for alarm.  I inched closer and closer to the door, my heart pounding faster just thinking of the horrors awaiting me.  With my ear pressed against the cold wood, their words became clearer...

"Alright, now that I've polished off the royal scepter, you wanna take a dip in mah fountain of youth or go on an excursion through mah crystal caverns?"

"Hic... as the Prinsh, I ORDER you to... uh, to deshide for me.  I'm far too drunk for such difficult thinking."

"Well golly gee, the caverns it is then!"

I could feel the cold sweat forming on my face.  There were absolutely no words for what I had just heard, not helped by the fact that I only understood about half of it.  "Are they, uh..."  I pointed a trembling hoof at the door.  "Are they entering the danger zone in there?"  I prayed that I was wrong and that there really was a fountain and a cavern hidden in the Prince's room, but a simple nod of the old guard's head confirmed my fears.

Swallowing my hesitation in one massive lump, I slowly reached my foreleg out.  My brain was screaming at me to just slide the letter under the door, but I needed to make sure it went to the right pony.  With a deep breath, I lightly tapped the door with my hoof.  The voices stopped, replaced by a thump and several hoof clops.  The steps grew louder and louder, each clop adding on to my anxiety.  Eventually, the door swung open, revealing a scene I had never hoped to see in my life.

The luxurious bed was occupied by a very fancy, and very intoxicated white stallion; he had to be Blueblood.  If the smell of booze and sex wasn't enough of a hint as to what was happening in there, the empty bottles littering the floor were evidence enough.  The guards, in spite of their better interest, now joined me in watching the horrors unfold.  And there to welcome us into the chamber of sin was a butter-colored mare, standing there with her green twin tails and kinky plaid miniskirt.

Judging by her face, she was about as confused as we were horrified.

"Can I help you?"  She cracked an adorable little smile, as if she was completely unaware that she'd just been screwing royalty.  Or maybe that's why she was smiling.

The fritters dotting her intentionally exposed flank indicated that I had found the pony I was looking for.  "Yeah, uh, I've got this letter."  I passed Applejack's invitation to her.  "It's from your cousin."

"Mah cousin?"  Fritter tore the top off of the envelope with a stocking-covered hoof, and took a look at the note inside.  Not even five seconds into it, a huge smile spread across her face.  "Well golly gee!  Applejerk's lettin' me come to the reunion this year!"  The crazy mare hopped up and down like a filly, making the situation all the more disturbing.  "You hear that, Bluey?  Mah family don't hate me no more!"

Hate her?  Applejack did act a little weird when she mentioned her, but hate's an awfully strong word.  It should only be saved for truly despicable ponies, like really slow old folks.  "Applejack said she forgot the invitation.  I doubt she actually hates you or anything."

"Psh, sure she did.  Just like she forgot last year's invite."  Fritter rolled her eyes, but didn't drop her smile for a second.  In fact, I couldn't detect even a drop of malice or spite in her voice.  "But I guess she couldn't get enough of little ol' me.  Boy howdy, I can't wait to see mah family again!"

"Yeah, that's great.  Family's great."  As much as I would have loved to stay and talk to a half-drunk, sexed-up hillbilly, I had other places to be.  Just about anywhere but in that room, really.  Unfortunately, Fritter wasn't about to make my getaway easy, because I soon found myself caught in yet another back-breaking hug.

"Shucks, I don't know who you are, but you've made mah night!"  The show of gratitude took an extremely disturbing turn when she shifted from happy to lusty.  "And now," she whispered, rubbing an unwanted hoof on my side, "I think I oughta make your night.  Oh, Blueblood!"

The wasted prince lifted his head in response to his mistress' call.  "Think ya'll can handle two runs tonight?"  Fritter was far more excited about the idea than I was.

"Who do you think yer s-shpeakin' to, knave!"  Waving his mighty hoof in the air, the dignified Blueblood addressed his royal subjects.  "I have mated, um, fifty mares in one night!  You were at least twelve of them!"

"Haha, oh Bluey, you big goof!"  Why was she laughing so much?  This was like a circus of terror, and I wanted a refund.  "Don't worry 'bout Big Blue," she said, probably unaware of just what I was worried about.  "If he can't finish you off, I'll treat you right..."  As if that wasn't bad enough, Fritter decided to spread the love to the poor guards.  "Ya'll can join in too!  Always doin' such a bang-up job guardin' the place, you deserve a treat.  By which I actually mean-"

"No."  I tried not to push Fritter away too hard, but sometimes I've just gotta lay down the law.  "Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not into that."

"Not into... oh!"  At least she was reasonable where it counted.  "I'm so sorry!  Ya'll probably need some proper context."  Maybe not.  "You see, Bluey was just deployin' his troops into the deadly valley of-"

"No, I get what you're doing.  I'm just not going to go in that room."

"Not even for a few minutes?"

"No.  Not even for a few seconds."

If Fritter's pouting was an attempt to convince me to dance the forbidden groove with her, it wasn't working.  I had steeled myself to such pitiful attempts.  "But... but I gotta repay you somehow."

"No."  If ever there was a time to be generous, it was that very moment.... except that there WAS a way for her to repay me.  A way that didn't involve parts going into other parts.  "Wait.  Actually... there's something I'm wondering if you could answer for me."

That perked her right- actually, "perked" probably isn't the most tasteful adjective considering the circumstances.  Fritter grabbed my foreleg; instinctively, I ground my hooves into the carpet to prevent unexpected jerking.  "Well shucks, I'll do what I can!  Hey Bluey, rain check on the early morning train ride!"  The snoring coming from Blueblood's room suggested that he didn't mind too much.  "Alright, off we go!"

"Hold it, can't I just ask you-"  Too late.  We were already off, charging into the darkness.  Honestly, I felt safer alone.





"This.  This right here."  I thrust my hoof towards one of the numerous stained glass window's in the throne room.  "What's the story behind these?"

"What, you don't know?"  Fritter chuckled at my apparent lack of knowledge; I've busted flanks for less than that, but I digress.  "Those are the Elements of Harmony!"

"What the hell is an Element of Harmony?"

"Beats me, but mah cousin's one of them!  And let me tell you somethin',"  Fritter wrapped her leg around my shoulders, prompting me to be on my guard for surprise attacks.  "Havin' a hero as your family is great for your resume!"

"Heroes, huh?"  I looked up at the massive image.  They certainly did look heroic, but it was still just so hard to believe.  I mean, a bunch of random ponies from Ponyville becoming legends?  How come I had never witnessed any of their supposed heroics?  Admittedly, I don't tend to pay much attention to other ponies' accomplishments, but I think I'd know if magic lasers were being tossed around.

But it all started to fall into place.  Just looking at Fritter, it was obvious she wasn't exactly professional in nature.  So how did she manage to land such a cushy job?  Come to think of it...

"Hey Fritter, what exactly do you do around here, anyway?  Aside from, you know, drinking and boldly going where no pony has gone before?"

"Why, I'm the cook around here!  Celestia's personal food-preparicator!"  Yikes, not just a cook, but the princess' personal chef?

"And Applejack being some bigshot got you here?"

"Yup!  I tell you, she can be a killjoy but Applejerk ain't so bad all the time.  Why, this one time, she didn't even turn me in for showin' her sister mah naughty photos!"  Her laughing was contagious, to the point where I would have considered joining in if the mental image wasn't so disturbing.  "We don't always agree on stuff, but it's thanks to her personal recommendation that I was able to achieve mah dream."

"Achieve your dream, huh?"  As odd as she was, Apple Fritter had done something most ponies never manage to accomplish in their lifetimes.  Something even I had yet to accomplish.  "I can respect that.  Actually, the reason I even had that letter is because I've been going after my dream.  Or at least, preparing myself until I can actually reach it."

"I'm sure you'll make it."  Fritter gazed longingly at the image of her cousin.  "You grow up bein' told that you'll never amount to anythin'.  That your dreams'll never come true.  But look at me now!"  A goofy smile crossed her face.  "I showed 'em.  I'm livin' the life, doin' what I love!  I ain't perfect, but I ain't got any regrets.  All things considered, mah life is pretty gosh darn swell."

"Wow.  Where did that come from?"

"It came from mah heart, love.  And four bottles of alcobooze."

Doing what you love, whenever you want.  That was the dream for just about every pony in Equestria.  It was Apple Fritter's dream.  It was my dream.  I was determined to reach that dream at all costs.  Fritter, in spite of her flaws, had surpassed the odds and made her goals a reality.  But looking up at the bar I had set for myself, at Rainbow Dash, I started to have my first pangs of doubt.

Dash was a hero.  A living legend.  I may have been the lead pony, but she had done so much for Equestria that I didn't even know about.  I had never believed Dash to be the standard for perfection, but now... it was starting to feel like she was something more.  I thought my soul searching would go smoothly, that I could just iron out my problems.  But in just one day, I had seen the bar raised to heights that not even Celestia herself could fly to.

I was the best, but Dash... Dash was something higher.  Something better.  And I was going to get there.

"Well listen to me, just spoutin' off!"  My deep thought was shattered by Fritter, who seemed to have snapped out of her own moment of reflection.  "Didn't mean to get all sappy on you!  Drinks'll do that."

"No worries.  Actually," I said, somewhat surprised by what I was about to say, "I feel a lot better after talking.  Thanks, Fritter."

"Shucks, it ain't no thing, uh..."

"Lightning Dust."

"It ain't no thing, Dusty!"  Having had our fill of stained glass, we departed towards the castle entrance.  It was about time to hit the sack at last.  "You know, we oughta go drinkin' sometime.  You seem like a swell gal, it'd be tons of fun.  And, you know," she whispered, ushering the return of the creepy voice, "I can always come back to your place if you're interested in mah offer from before..."

"I think I'll pass on that, thanks."

"Aw... what about the drinks?  Little bit o' the drinky does a body good!"

Saying that I straight up didn't feel safe drinking with her seemed a little rude.  Normally that wouldn't stop me from doing so anyway, but she did kind of help me out.  "I will have one drink with you sometime.  One drink."

"Five drinks."

"One drink."

"...Two drinks?"

"One drink."

"You got yourself a deal, Dusty!"  We sealed the agreement with a hoofshake, reminding me that I'd need to shower at least five times later.  I was probably making a huge mistake, but in all honesty, it could never hurt to have somepony to drink with in Canterlot.  Even if she was an alcoholic sexual deviant.  Not even a minute after we exchanged the shake, she was already chatting up one of the guards.  Judging by his "I'm married" comment, I didn't need to guess the subject.

My chat with Fritter had given me a lot to think about.  Meeting the lofty heights Rainbow Dash had somehow reached was looking more and more difficult, but I was more motivated than ever.  What can I say, I love a good challenge!  Although the thought of challenges made me realize something else...

That morning, I had basically no friends.  Except Joe, who barely counts.  Suddenly, I had quite a few of them, and I wasn't even trying.  I know I've got the charisma of a rock star, but... it seemed like friends were coming too easy.  I couldn't help but wonder why I didn't have any friends before?

I wouldn't realize until later that friends are easy to make... the real challenge is keeping them.