Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Ponyville Confidential
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that this whole damn town is frighteningly insecure. It all started when the Cutie Mark Failures decided once again on their next crusade; newspaper. Although Sweetie Belle once again tried shipping in the most incorrect manner possible, and Scootaloo's wings have now begun to troll the body they're attached to. Brilliant.
So once Applebloom finally got them on the idea of journalism, they signed up for the school newspaper. So I also blame part of this fiasco on Cheerilee. The fact that these three have not been sent to some special needs class astounds me. Wait, scratch that. This is Ponyville we're talking about. The whole schoolhouse is pretty much a special needs class.
But she did do something right; the selection of the Editor-in-Chief. Diamond Tiara was after the juicy stories. And the staff photographer just got his cutie mark. Based upon the kind of photos he took, he's looking at a career with the ponyrazzi in Fillywood. The three birth defects can't figure out what to write in their column until Sweetie Belle finds Snips and Snails being butt buddies on the playground. Needless to say, this article spread like wildfire, and a newspaper written by kids is now the hottest thing in town.
So now that it's common knowledge that the school allows gay relationships on the premises, Diamond Tiara orders the newly christened 'Gabby Gums' to go beyond the school and get into the private lives of Ponyville. That's when things started to get fun.
I find it simply marvelous how bent out of shape an entire town gets when ponies start talking about them. In fact, I have a solution. How about we re-purpose the town hall. We get a gigantic blackboard, and black full suits for anonymity. So anypony can go in and write whatever they want with no consequences whatsoever. I'll call it...a forum! That way, anypony can go on a rant and get something off their chest. At least until technology advances and we have a machine in the comfort of our own home where we can just rot away in front of them.
Can you imagine if there was a show about those mythological 'human' creatures Lyra is always talking about? What if it was made for little fillies, but stallions and mares got into it too? With a machine like that, the worst of those fags could go and write a story about humans and post it for everyone to read! By the moon, can you think of anything more pathetic?
Well, to be honest, the articles began to lose their flare, at least in my opinion. Like, Pinkie Pie is a drugged-up party animal? Fluttershy's tail isn't real? I find this town boring? I thought this was a NEWSpaper. But I am impressed that Featherweight managed to snap a picture of your fat ass chowing down on some cake.
Well, after that picture made it to print, I imagine that Cheerilee was fearing for her possible future lunar lifestyle, so she shut the Gabby Gums column down. But not before they managed to get some delicious tears out of Fluttershy.
So even though Diamond Tiara lost her position as Editor-in-Chief, Madame Pinkie Pie predicted that she would become prosperous in the future through something involving a four-leaf clover and the letter 'b'. Not too sure what that means.
Your forum-trolling former student,
Twilight Sparkle