The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Reluctant Prince
To an untrained observer, Princess Celestia and Green Grass were simply standing in the middle of the reception hall, being attended by a waiter⁽*⁾ with a platter of hors d'oeuvres and drinks. It might seem strange to the observer that the remaining ponies in the reception were clustered in small whispering groups at least a royal wingspan away from the Princess, but then again royalty do all kinds of strange things dressed in strange clothes at strange hours, quite unlike the common folk.
(*) The Office of Diplomatic Support Services also provides servants with selective hearing loss for certain occasions.
—
To anypony experienced in Canterlot culture, the Princess and her… escort were simply standing in the traditional ‘Princess Spot,’ only slightly modified from the days before the return of Princess Luna. Their location, as well as the location of each court member at the reception, should have been as predictable as the ripples spread from the impact zone of a pebble in a still pond. There was just one tiny detail that was different tonight. A single word.
Consort.
The concept of a royal consort was understandable in the abstract, and even more than a few of the royal houses had a spouse or prospective spouse with that particular title, but when the word was placed against Princess Celestia’s earth pony companion, the abstract thought quickly turned to concrete. This was something far stranger than strange, because there had not been a ‘consort’ for Princess Celestia in mortal memory, and nopony had the nerve to actually ask the Princess if there had been a slip of the tongue with her Herald, a spot of insanity, or perhaps it was one of the epic practical jokes she had begun to play since her sister’s return from ‘exile⁽¹⁾.’
(1) Exile being a more tolerable word for the social elite than the far cruder ‘Taken over by evil and imprisoned in the moon for a millennium to prevent the destruction of every living thing on the planet.’ If not rather strenuously reminded of it by both Princesses, the high society crowd would have much rather considered Luna ‘out of the country for a few years.’
—
To an extremely astute trained observer fluent in the language of court politics and the behavior of vulgaris politicus, or the Common Yellow-Striped Politician, it was as if a giant metaphorical boulder had been dropped in the metaphorical pond and exploded in flames. An extraordinary observer of politics might carefully chart the erratic movements of the ponies present to gain a deeper understanding of the rocks and shoals of ongoing schemes and plots by using this event to learn the true loyalties of the court.
The Princess simply seemed to enjoy the quiet of not being pestered by court politics for a few minutes as she stood next to Green Grass and smiled, lifting her glass to gently clink against the edge of the glass her ‘consort’ held loosely in one hoof. “I must say, Lord Green Grass, I have not been called a ‘delightful young mare’ in centuries. It surprised me almost as much as my Herald announcing your proposal to me on the steps.”
“It came as quite a surprise to myself also, Your Highness.” He took a microscopic sip out of his glass, managing to remove only slightly more alcohol than regular evaporation could explain. “I presume the guard you spoke with will ensure the mistaken announcement of your Herald⁽²⁾ and the subsequent photo of us taken by that rather excited Canterlot Times photographer will not result in a misleading headline tomorrow? I believe ‘Princess Celestia to wed Prince-Consort Green Grass’ was the phrase that flashed through my mind rather vividly.”
(2) Herald’s special talent was the loud and distinct projection of his voice. Unfortunately, that talent did not extend to making his voice pleasant.
—
The Princess tittered⁽³⁾ delicately into one gold-clad hoof. “I simply must apologize again. Herald has been losing his hearing for many years now, and has made several regrettable errors in announcements lately. Perhaps it may be time for him to finally be put out to pasture.”
(3) Definition: Ladylike laughter encouraging the opposite member of a conversation to continue digging their hole.
—
Prince Consort Green Grass took the news with a stiff nod, and an additional sip from his drink. It had not escaped his notice that the Princess had spoken with the guard before the ‘accidental’ announcement of his mythical upcoming royal marital status, but at this point his internal ‘Panic Mode’ had gotten so overloaded that an entire battalion of Neighponese Ninjas dropping from the rafters would not have fazed him. In fact, it would have been a welcome distraction, and he might have cheered.
The sharp sound of the iron-hafted Spear of State being struck against the stone floor of the entranceway cut off the buzz of frantic conversation in the reception area as every pony suddenly remembered there was a second Royal Princess of Equestria, and if Celestia had this kind of surprise for them, there was no telling what kind of doozy her sister had in mind for her introduction. The brisk tap echoed once, twice, then a third time before Herald cleared his throat and spoke.
“Announcing Her Highness, Princess Luna, and her escort, Lady Twilight Sparkle.”
Green Grass and the Princess had gotten far enough into the reception area that he felt safe to take a quick glance backwards, if nothing else to make sure he was not being targeted by one or both of the new arrivals. The stately procession of Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle down the entry stairs was taken much more positively by the attendees than the shocked silence of their own procession. There was even a faint flutter of gentle applause directed at the two darkly-clad ponies who matched outfits so well. A certain resonant harmony between them just sang out to his heart, cutting through the thick layer of frozen panic and memorized lines that kept him from running screaming out of the reception. He was not aware of his soft sigh until Princess Celestia matched it with one of her own.
“Don’t they make a lovely couple?” she said, turning to him with a cryptic smile. “It was unexpectedly nice of Twilight to volunteer to escort my sister around the reception. The two of them have so much to talk about.” For the briefest instant, Green Grass was quite certain Princess Luna had stuck her tongue out at them, but when he looked again, she was chatting amiably with Twilight and another couple.
“Yes, Your Highness,” responded Green Grass automatically.
“Pairing the two of them up was a masterful stroke of genius. The nobility have constantly snubbed my little sister ever since what they call her ‘little incident’ with the Elements of Harmony. Twilight has always been an inviting target for them, more so now when they can involve her in their little power games like some pawn to be played off against us both. Now they actually have to speak with Luna to get close to Twilight, and I do believe my little sister is enjoying every moment of it.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” responded Green Grass again, feeling a little claustrophobic despite the wide circle of empty space that surrounded Princess Celestia much as a cleared space around a military fortification that the enemy would have to cross under fire before assaulting the walls.
“Why, even their outfits are color coordinated, just like ours. How well-planned. For some reason, I had expected my student as an escort, while I thought you would be in the company of my sister. There must have been a change in the schedule I was not informed about.”
Suppressing another “Yes, Your Highness,” Green Grass forced himself to quit looking at punch bowls and trash cans⁽⁴⁾. Instead, he turned the metaphorical page of his script and prepared for his brief soliloquy before his probable death scene. In short, he was about to lie his flank off to the one pony in Equestria who could see through him like a sheet of glass.
(4) For the possibility of drowning himself, or throwing up into respectively.
—
“I have something to confess, My Princess. This evening was entirely my fault. There are a few disputed points in my thesis regarding the Griffon war of 615 and resulting political disruptions, so I thought it would be useful to get an actual eyewitness account of the event. Would I be able to get a few moments this evening to talk privately with Your Highness?”
“How in the world could I refuse such a polite request from such a charming young stallion? Twilight should be careful with you. I may just decide to keep you for myself.” The Princess gave a gentle ladylike laugh⁽⁵⁾ which Green Grass attempted to match, avoiding the nearly irresistible urge to burst into a sprint for the exit door by the smallest margin.
(5) Definition: Gentle laugh to be seen by a sibling, making them think they are being talked about.
—
“Although if my sister had reacted badly to your little ‘stunt’…” The drop in temperature in his vicinity was bitterly sharp. Green Grass could have sworn if his drink was not alcoholic, it would have frozen over. Certainly the little droplets of sweat on his back had frozen solid into beads of ice.
The Princess had not changed a single muscle in her tranquil expression, still looking out among her royal subjects with that enigmatic smile she seemed to wear like a permanent mask. It took substantial effort to avoid looking into her eyes like one of his students, trying to figure out what kind of magic trick she would both enjoy and help her master her talent. It was his special talent, but there were limits. After all, she already could raise the sun and the moon. What more did she need to do with them, juggle?
As Princess Celestia continued to make small talk in a one-way conversation with Green Grass, her voice was what finally made him see, in a flash of inspiration much as he would experience around a troubled student. The Princesses cared. Every pony in the reception hall, and outside, and all across Equestria was special to each Princess, loved with the fierce adoration of a parent to an only child. There was no place she or Luna would rather be than taking care of their ponies. Twilight Sparkle was far more than a student to Celestia, she was the pony who not only saved her sister from a horrible fate, but all of her beloved ponies across the nation.
And now, Twilight was dating a clumsy earth pony who lived in a trailer. He felt like a weed in the Royal Gardens.
“I can tell how nervous you are, Lord Green Grass.” Princess Celestia bestowed a compassionate look upon the tutor that made him feel slightly less weedy, and a little more flower-like. Perhaps a dandelion, if he were to stretch the analogy to a breaking point. “Since we started standing here, you have looked at each punch bowl, trash can and fire extinguisher visible in the hall. Are you needing a brief respite from the reception? I assure you, I am quite able to carry on in your absence.”
“N-no, Your Highness. If I start throwing up again, I’m not certain I would be able to quit.” Looking around for a distraction, his eye caught two of the male figures he least wanted to meet tonight, both talking urgently to each other with furtive glances in his direction. “Is that Twilight’s father over there speaking with the Earl of Pine Valley?”
“Yes, I believe he is apologizing for stepping on the Earl’s monocle in the confusion. Dreadful thing, confusion is. I much prefer a proper line of communication to be established, as to avoid unnecessary surprises. Don’t you agree, Prince Consort Green Grass?”
Green Grass actually had to take a measurable amount of his drink to wet his throat enough to respond. “Of course, My Princess. I overstepped my bounds. Please be assured that I have learned my lesson and shall not repeat my behavior.” He swirled the remaining drink absently, his overstressed mind desperately trying to find a conversational topic that did not involve the approach of any of the high society ponies currently keeping their distance as if he had somehow become a carnivore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a tiny shred of rationality gave up searching for an exit, possibly a high window with jagged concrete beneath, instead foolishly deciding to forge ahead into questions that had been bothering him for a long time.
“Your Highness, as a continuing matter of education, might I have permission to ask you a question about Twilight and Spike?”
She nodded gently. “You may ask, yes.”
“When I worked as a student assistant at your school’s entrance exam for the last few years, we always used a ceramic dragon egg for the final test. How the student reacts to their failure to hatch it tells a great deal about how they will react to failing in school. We were told if they throw a fit or get violent, it is much better to find out in the test than in a room full of young unicorns just coming into their power. Sometimes they have to replace the egg, but—” he tried to shrug, finding his shoulders nearly as rigid as ceramic themselves “—that’s why they don’t use a real egg.”
“You had a question?”
“Two, actually,” he said while trying to brace his courage. “I cannot picture anypony cruel enough to submit an unhatched dragon to an endless string of young students blasting away at it. I also cannot imagine any dragon giving up their egg willingly for that kind of abuse, no matter how much gold they may be offered. But then again, I can barely understand what it is like to love somepony, let alone have her become a prisoner held just out of reach for endless years, unable to be touched.” Turning slightly from his study of the surrounding court ponies felt much like turning his back on a circling pack of timber wolves, but he met Princess Celestia’s gaze hesitantly.
“How did you find that dragon’s egg?”
“One of my couriers found it in an abandoned nest. Dragons breathe on their eggs to hatch them, but this egg had far too thick a shell to hatch normally. Even I would have been unable to break it free without endangering the hatchling.”
“And how many students did you permit to try before Twilight?”
Her ancient gaze never faltered even for a moment. “None. I was extremely lucky.”
“My father told me Luck is where Preparedness meets Opportunity.” A movement in the corner of his eye drew his attention just in time to see Princess Luna look abruptly away, with a hidden expression that made him think she had somehow managed to hear every single word.
* * *
Don Rocinante turned out to be quite an educational experience for Green Grass, far in excess of his wildest imagination. He learned that Princess Celestia actually made an excellent theatre ‘date,’ better than her sister who constantly seemed just short of shouting advice to the actors on stage and actually better even than Twilight, who surreptitiously had concealed a small pad of paper and a quill to take notes over the performance. In fact, he actually managed to relax far enough for his oversaturated brain to finally realize he was actually sitting in the Princess Box of the theatre, with both Princesses, which led to him learning that there was a small Royal Bathroom tucked in just behind the box, perfectly suited for nervous young stallions to throw up inside.
After the performance was complete, and most of the audience had left, Princess Celestia took the group to meet with the cast and crew backstage, a tradition she had begun at the first performance of the theatre, and continued ever since. The meeting turned out to be informal to such a degree that Green Grass was somewhat worried, until he finally recognized the deep professional courtesy between actors of two completely different stages. The only difference seemed to be the general lack of singing parts in the normal day of a princess⁽⁶⁾.
(6) Princess Celestia should have been concerned about falling behind. Luna was taking voice lessons and had hired a lyricist.
—
Princess Celestia seemed to know the lead actor, a young pegasus named Foix la Vella, quite well, and expressed considerable pleasure at the discovery that he had recently married the earth pony actress who played Aldonza. After Luna had resolved her questions about the changes in the Catalan dialect over her missing millennia, and some good-hearted teasing to Foix about foals, the conversation naturally just traveled to a nearby Catalan restaurant with nearly the entire cast as a guest of the Crown.
It was just amazing how the evening flowed past so quickly. One moment he found himself listening ardently to Princess Celestia describe the disaster of the first Canterlot theatre production, then he somehow became involved in a group discussion with both princesses and half the cast about his thesis. They talked loudly, and ate far more than any of them should have eaten. More than one bottle of wine was quietly produced and consumed during the party, and Green Grass never even noticed when Celestia and Luna quietly slipped out the back door. One at a time, the cast members also departed until only Twilight and himself remained, and the staff of the restaurant was quietly putting up the chairs and counting out the enormous tip⁽⁷⁾ Luna had left.
(7) Also, a lingering issue at the building code enforcement department mysteriously resolved itself the next day, clearing the way for a long-awaited expansion of the restaurant.
—
“I don’t want this night to end,” murmured Green Grass, looking across the table into Twilight’s soft violet eyes. “I want it to last forever.”
“Silly.” Twilight reached across the table and gently touched his cheek. “I’ve been through that before. It was a terrifying and uncomfortable experience, but I gained five new friends out of it.”
The two of them chuckled, and glanced over at the older couple who owned the restaurant. The elderly earth ponies seemed settled in for a long wait, sitting behind the bar with forelegs intertwined and a shared glass with the last bit of the last open bottle. Twilight sighed and held Green Grass’ hoof. “Do you think we could ever be like that? I mean… old. Together.”
“I don’t know for sure. I do know we can be like this. Young, and together. And tomorrow we can be older and together.”
“And later?”
He held her hoof tightly and tried to breathe through the tightness in his chest. “I don’t know.”
“Then we’ll just have to enjoy the moment, and let tomorrow take care of itself.” They both leaned forward until he could feel her breath across his face. “Would you like to continue this when we get home? Home? Oh, no! We missed the train back to Ponyville!”
“Yes. I mean, no! I mean—” Green Grass took a deep breath. “Princess Celestia told me she arranged alternate transportation home for us.”
“Dot would be us.” The deep voice sounded familiar to Green Grass, and his heart dropped into his upset stomach as a familiar broad-shouldered Royal Guard pegasus trudged out into the dim lighting of the restaurant. “Ve got de chariot outside vaiting on ya. Double-parked.”
“Chariot?” asked Green Grass weakly. “As in flying?”
“Yes!” shouted Twilight gleefully. “You’ll love it! Come on, I’ll show you the best place to sit so you can see the houses below as we fly.” She bounded out the door in a flurry of purple while Axe stood stoically by the doorway, still looking at Green Grass.
“The Princess not mind if her schweetie is hittin on anodder mare dis way, does she? ‘Cause we heard you iss de consort now.”
“If I say yes, could you drop me during the flight and make sure I hit some jagged rocks? I don’t want to suffer.”
The big Royal Guard gave a big toothy grin. “Naa, we just pullin der leg. The Princess say take goot care of you, und der Captain, he say same ting. We not even do loops, promise. Maybe a barrel roll if you ask real nice like, hokey? We get chu home fast so you kidz can go back to schmoochin. Now come on, not goot to keep der girlz waitin.”
Green Grass gave one last despairing look at the restaurant wine rack, both in sorrow for the full bottles still there and regret for not being so drunk they could just pour him unconscious into the bottom of that hellish flying machine. Still, Twilight was already out there, calling for him to hurry up, so he braced his courage and started to walk, muttering all the way.
“Twilight enjoyed the evening while I talked to the Princess and survived it all without dying. So how bad could this possibly be?”