Da Problem wif Weirdboyz
What the planet was called had been lost of centuries; a small speck of rock near the Eye of Terror, it had been an agri-world until the Ruinous Powers had attacked and overrun it, slaughtering or enslaving every single living being they could find. Temples to the Four Gods of Chaos had replaced silos and warehouses, icons of depravity and pestilence dotted the landscape, and thousands of cultists and converts gave their lives and bodies to bring forth the armies of the Dark Gods. The shattered remains of Astartes and Imperial Guard vehicles lay rotting in the scorched plains of the planet, evidence of constant attempts by humanity to drive the Chaos warbands back into the Warp from whence they came. To the Imperium, the planet was blasphemy of the highest degree, to the powers of Chaos it was a bastion from which to spread their power.
To the orks, it was fun.
Nob ‘Eadsmasha hoisted a Word Bearer above his head, the pistons in his power klaw easily crushing the heavy armor of the Chaos Space Marine. With a roar he hurled the corpse into the enemy squadron, showering them with blood and knocking several to the ground. The Marines could do little to stop the ork’s rampage, and ‘Eadsmasha ripped through the squad like an angry squig amongst a group of Grots. Around him, his boyz hacked apart daemons and Marines with crudely fashioned axes and machetes, hooting and bellowing at the top of their lungs.
Not wanting his boyz to have all the fun, ‘Eadsmasha leveled his shoota and fired into the next squad, the gun rattling in his hand and barely managing to drown out his laughter. Had he been a bit more patient with the rokkit attachment, then he could have enjoyed the experience of watching a Word Bearer be blown apart at the seams (always good fun for the Painboyz to try and put them back together), but his natural impulse to shoot something had found the rokkit buried in some daemon’s eye when they first landed. Not that he cared; his shoota was loud and he had gotten a chance to kill Chaos boyz, and he was happy.
“Oi! Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha pulled his attention away for a moment to spot Mekboy Gearbrainz running up to him, his kustom mega-blasta crackling with energy. “Dem Chaos boyz iz pullin’ out dere weirdboyz, and we’z can’t bash ‘em fast enough!”
“Try shootin’ dem!” one problem ‘Eadsmasha had with his boyz was that they were always enthusiastic about getting into melee (then, which ork wasn’t) but at the expense of never actually shooting the enemy to soften them up. With the almost constant fighting the WAAAGH! had endured since they had landed, ‘Eadsmasha had had to replace his mob about four times over due to the enemy being prepared for their charges.
“We’z tried dat, but dem Chaos boyz iz ‘ard ‘n stuff... and one of da boyz went fer a ride on ‘is own rokkit, blew up a big wagon and a buncha other boyz too.” ‘Eadsmasha chuckled before looking around. More mobs of boyz were rushing past him, and the newly arrived Chaos sorcerers blew them apart with psychic attacks while the Chaos Space Marines rallied for a charge. A Predator tank rolled over a rise in the ground and fired, daemonically enhanced weapons spewing death into the tide of greenskins. The Predator proved to be his inspiration, and ‘Eadsmasha grinned as he slung his shoota over his shoulder.
“Ey boyz, I got me an idea!” the remaining boyz in his mob gathered around him. “Dat wagon dere’z tearin’ up da boyz, roight?”
“Yeah.” the orks replied.
“But we’z can turn it around and den it’ll start tearin’ up da Chaos boyz, roight?”
“Yeah Boss... How we do dat?” ‘Eadsmasha had to resist the urge to hit himself in the head with his own power klaw.
“We’z run over dere and krump da Chaos ladz, den we’z take da wagon fer ourselvez!”
“Great idea, Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha chuckled and raised his shoota.
“Last one ta da wagon is a filthy Grot-luvva! WAAAGH!!!” ‘Eadsmasha charged forward, his shoota belching lead at the Chaos forces surrounding the Predator. Some died, collapsing as heavy bullets found weak spots in their armor, but the shoddy ork gun meant that most of his bullets went wide or buried themselves into the ground. Not that ‘Eadsmasha cared, for in the next moment he was among the Daemonic enemy, lunging forward with his power klaw and ripping another Word Bearer’s chest off. Behind him, Gearbrainz fired his mega-blasta into the fray, a beam of concentrated energy punching through two Word Bearers before fizzling out. The rest of the boyz lay in with shootas, sluggas and choppas, and soon the ground was muddy from the blood of slain combatants.
True to his position as Boss, ‘Eadsmasha reached the Predator first. The tank’s occupants must have spotted him, for the pintle-mounted heavy bolter swiveled around to meet the nob as he charged forward. Undaunted, ‘Eadsmasha grabbed the heavy weapon with his power klaw and yanked backwards, ripping it from the side of the Predator and causing it to fire harmlessly into the air. Now with an opening, ‘Eadsmasha leapt into the tank followed closely by Gearbrainz, the orks’ eyes easily adjusting to the low light of the Predator’s interior. One Chaos Marine leapt down from the turret, chainaxe revving as he advanced upon the intruders.
“You dare to face me in combat, greenskin?” the Marine bellowed, raising his axe. “Your blood shall be a fine feast for the Dark Gods!” The Marine prepared to attack, but Gearbrainz raised his mega-blasta and baked the enemy’s head.
“And yer brainz’ll taste good wif a nice fungus beer.” the mekboy said before stowing his mega-blasta and pulling out his tools. More boyz piled in, some helping the mek fix up the hole in the tank while others crawled up into the turret or up the side of the tank in preparation for the fight to come. ‘Eadsmasha, joined by two boyz named Gorechoppa and Redwheelz, made his way to the front of the Predator and ripped the door off its hinges, exposing the two Chaos Marines driving the tank.
“‘ello dere. Mind if we’z have a chat?” Gorechoppa said before stabbing the spiky bit of his choppa into the first Marine’s face. The second reached for a bolt pistol, but Redwheelz’s slugga took off the Marine’s head and caused the corpse to spasm around before collapsing against the far wall. The three orks crammed into the cabin, pushing the dead Chaos Marines out before checking on the controls.
“You’z can drive dis thing, roight?” ‘Eadsmasha asked as Redwheelz settled down in the driver’s seat.
“Yeah boss; give me a minute ta get familia wif da controls and we’z got ourselves a wagon.”
“‘e don’t know what da zog ‘e’s doin’.” Gorechoppa grunted.
“Oi! Shut yer gob ‘fore I rip it off and use it fer squig-bait!” Redwheelz looked back at the controls. “‘Kay, let’s see wot happens when we’z pull dis lever here.” the ork pulled the aforementioned lever, and the Predator slowly turned towards the Chaos line. “‘Kay, dat’s good. Now we’z push dis button here.” As Redwheelz pushed the button, the tank stopped moving and fell silent, much to the confusion of the orks in the back.
“Ya turned it off, ya stupid git!” Gorechoppa shouted before Redwheelz slammed his fist into the other ork’s face, knocking him back and causing several teef to fall out.
“Zog off, I’m drivin’ ‘ere!” Seeing that Gorechoppa was going to be a liability, ‘Eadsmasha grabbed the boy and pulled him out of the compartment, throwing him in the general direction of Gearbrainz and the other boyz. “Now, we’z push dat again.” the tank roared back to life, causing Redwheelz to grin. He pulled a cigar from one of his pockets and set to work once it was lit. “Roight den; now we’z can stomp ‘em good!” Redwheelz pushed another lever and the Predator shot forward, the orks clinging to the top barely managing to hold on as they raced towards the forces of Chaos.
The Chaos Marines fired everything they could, but the Predator was moving too fast for an accurate shot. Some held their ground, while others ducked away to avoid getting squashed beneath the treads of the tank and it’s insane drive. Redwheelz hollered as Marines and daemons were sent flying, the tracks and hull of his new toy becoming flecked with red and black blood. The ork in the turret swung the autocannon around and fired, heavy shells blowing apart anything unlucky to be caught in the cannon’s arc of fire.
Unfortunately, Redwheelz’s rampage had to come to an end; a Land Raider, drawn by the carnage the orks were causing, rolled forward and fired, lasbolts and heavy cannon shells blowing orks and armor off the side of the Predator. Undaunted, Redwheelz floored the Predator towards the Land Raider, hoping to ram the enemy tank and destroy it. However, by some stroke of luck the treads of the ork’s hijacked vehicle hit the treads of the Land Raider, and with the slope of the Land Raider’s hull the Predator was sent flying into the air, over the Land Raider, and into a large squad of Terminators, squishing many of them. The orks on the side were flung off, but managed to recover and resumed their fight against the Chaos forces. ‘Eadsmasha unslung his shoota and left the cockpit, Redwheelz following behind.
“Why’z ya always got ta wreck everythin’ I try’z ta fix?” Gearbrainz said, returning his tools to his pockets.
“Coz it’s fun, dat’s why.” ‘Eadsmasha punched open one of the top hatches and climbed out, shooting a Chaos Marine in the face once he was free of the wrecked Predator. His boyz had fallen back to the wreckage, but more boyz had reached them and were pressing against the Chaos forces. ‘Eadsmasha, Redwheelz, Gearbrainz and the others leapt from the Predator and charged, reloading their shootas and sluggas and pouring bullets into the enemy.
“Greenskins!” a voice boomed over the battlefield. ‘Eadsmasha and his boyz looked up as a Chaos Sorcerer, clad in warped Terminator Armor, marched towards them surrounded by dozens of Bloodletters. “Your sacrifice and bloodlust has brought many welcoming tributes to the Dark Gods! They, however, will only be satiated by your own blood. Give back that which belongs to them, and perhaps your deaths will be swift!”
“We’z only givvin’ ya bullets fer ya ta choke on!” ‘Eadsmasha bellowed, raising his shoota in the air. “We’z da bosses ‘ere new, and no weird ‘umie’s gonna be tellin’ us wot ta give. Yer ‘eads gonna go on me trophy rack roight next ta dem Space Marines I stomped on da last planet we hit!”
“You dare to associate me with those weakling that serve the False Emperor?”
“You’z ain’t so tough yerself.” ‘Eadsmasha prepared to charge, lowering his shoota to gun down anyone in his path, but an odd clanking caught his attention. He looked quickly over his shoulder and saw a mob of Burnas being lead by a Weirdboy, the warp-infused ork glowing with WAAAGH! energy.
“Uh, Boss?” Gorechoppa said. “Maybe we’z shouldn’t be between da weirdboy and da Chaos boyz.”
“Dat’z probably a good idea.” ‘Eadsmasha turned. “Boyz! Get back to da wagon ‘fore da weirdboyz-” ‘Eadsmasha never got to finish, for the Chaos sorcerer and the weirdboy launched their attacks at the exactly same instant, dark magic and WAAAGH! energy exploding over ‘Eadsmasha’s mob. The orks below could only watch in terror as the two forces collided and mixed, ripping open an angry hole that began to devour all around it. ‘Eadsmasha tried to dig in by burying the blades of his power klaw in the dirt, but the pull of the tear in reality was too strong and he was sent hurtling into the unknown. As his mob disappeared, the hole closed and vanished along with them, the orks and Chaos Marines not caring where the unlucky mob had been sent.
.................
At Spike’s insistence, Twilight Sparkle was taking a nap, the purple unicorn curled up on her bed with a book resting near her head. She snuggled into her covers and sighed, her tail and limbs going numb as her body relaxed.
Spike’s right; I should do this more often. She thought. She would have allowed herself to relax even more and go to sleep had not her horn began to tingle and spark with energy. Puzzled, she sat up and looked at her horn, watching as it sparked and fizzled with energy. She looked outside, frowning when she saw that nothing was happening. It was a perfectly normal day in Ponyville, and everypony was going about their business completely unaware that something was wrong.
“Why’s my magic overreacting?” she muttered, climbing out of bed and walking to the window. A second survey showed that nothing was wrong, although there seemed to be a small patch of clouds over the Everfree forest.
“Spike? Are you down there?”
“Yeah Twilight.” Spike called. “Is something wrong?”
“Maybe... Can you take a letter to Princess Celestia?”
“Sure thing. Let me just finish putting these books away and I’ll get that all set up.” Twilight nodded and looked back towards the Everfree forest, watching the clouds. Small flashes of lightning caught her eye, and she thought she saw something fall from the clouds, adding to the growing suspicion that something was very wrong.
Why does everything bad have to happen to Ponyville?